She Holds Onto Hope

Prayer is an amazing thing.

 I was super vulnerable Sunday and posted on my Instagram (@naturalhealthmomma) sharing the pain and hurt of miscarriage.  I'm not sure why I posted, but I felt a huge weight lifted.  The response was not what I expected at all!  I received over 100 comments of people telling me they were praying for me!  I read every comment with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I was overwhelmed by the love and support by so many!  I was humbled, to say the least!

Just prior to the insta posting,  I took the boys and went to church.  During worship, we were singing about being in His presence.  I realized that I never want to be out of His presence.  I was taking a stand, raising my hands in worship singing songs to my Lord, praising His name, even after losing two babies, I realized God is STILL good.  I was NOT going to let Satan win.  He wants to discourage me and pull me away from the one who wants to comfort me!

Since that day, I have had many conversations with God.  I realized that I can be angry and raise my fists at Him, or have him be here from me and help me heal from the wounds of IF and pregnancy loss.  I felt like I was drowning and I really needed him to pull me out of the pit of despair.  God is so good and he has been doing just that!

I've been really praying for my heart to line up with his will, praying for Him to take the desire of another baby away from me, if it wasn't what he had in store for us.

With the loss of baby #2, it put a lot of things into perspective for me.

• First, I realized that yes, traveling was important to me, but being a family and a mom was more important. We were planning on traveling to Europe in May, if I wasn't pregnant.
• Being a mom, is the best job in the world.  I feel like I was made to be a mom.
• We have a VERY short window to possibly grow our family (I'm almost 35), and a life time to travel the world.
• Adoption is not for me (at least at this point).  God has not placed it in my heart.  I have moments where I think, yes, I could do it! But ultimately I would have too many worries.
• Infertility is a lot like cancer.  If someone with cancer was failing treatment, would they just give up or keep trying until ALL options were exhausted.  Would they just stop the first treatment and decide "God must not want me to get well." NO!  They would keep trying to get well!  
• I was scared to death to share all of this with my husband.

I was researching the other night on other doctors in my area, and specifically doctors with high success rates.  I was blown away when I found SCCRM!  They are my very first RE actually, except Dr. D is no longer there and the original RE, Dr. Anderson is!  He has an 85% success rate!  I think that is unheard of!

Now, there is a lot of processing still to do.  I still may go there and decided I can't go through with it again. However, I feel like if I don't, I would always wonder.

I finally came clean to C the other night about my feelings.  One of the reasons I agreed to stoping treatment 'no matter what' after our last cycle is because I though for sure it would work.  He really doesn't want to do this again, but also doesn't want me to resent him for saying no.  I told him if his answer was no, I would have to get over it.  

Well, we ended up on the same page!  We are going to see Dr. A!  I needed hope, I needed to know we still have a chance.  I haven't ever felt our family was complete, even though I am soooo incredibly blessed and grateful for my boys!

I just have to believe God has put this baby on my heart for a purpose.  I either need this dr to tell me, sorry your uterus cannot carry more kids (surrogacy is not an option for me), or yes we can use your 27 eggs!  I need closure of some sort. Or we need to move forward!

My appointment is November 23.  Stay tuned!