What the F?

 I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks.  I was a walking zombie, numb, confused, hurt, and angry!  I was angry at myself and at God!  How could he let us go through this?  How could he allow us to fail...again?!  We prayed so earnestly, so passionately!  We are good people!  Why did this happen to us?

I got a call from Beta #2 on Monday, my 126 beta dropped to 88 and I was told to stop all medication. "I'm so sorry Sara," Patty said.  I was numb, sitting there with my kids, Mom, Sister-in-law,  niece and nephew, who I just got done telling them "how amazing God was who blessed us with another pregnancy."  I drank three glasses of wine that night and went to bed at 7pm.

Tuesday, I woke up crying.  All I could do is cry, thinking about my baby(ies)  dying in my womb.  F-this. What the F God?  Where are you God?  Why are you not talking to me God?  I thought you led me God?  Where was my Shepard?  I was F-ing pissed.

I had friends texting me (who weren't supposed to know, but some found out bc we canceled bible study).  C told some close friends at the office and their wives texted me.  I still have yet to respond to anyone.  I couldn't think about it, I didn't want to hear it.  I just wanted to be alone...and hug my son's so much more!

I didn't want hugs from anyone else, no sad looks, no I'm sorry's, not even my C.  I was numb.

My mom came over, she has been with me when I have been like this before.  Numb from a break-up years ago.  I remember this feeling.  It took me a long time to recover, but I did.  I started remembering how God got me out of the darkness, and believed he could do it again.

C, has never seen me like this.  I fall asleep early then wake up to pee and can't fall back asleep for hours.  I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, I went to my moms, and I actually cracked a smile or two.

Thursday, I went to my Italian class.  Prayed a lot and could actually start searching for scriptures for comfort.  I am still in pain, but doing much better.

Friday, the dark cloud is lifting (as my C would say!).

I am still waiting to start my period/miscarry.

Praying.

**Updated**  Just started my period/Miscarriage,  four days after stopping meds.