I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.
Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.
In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.
Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!
I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️
2 comments:
As hard as it's been, infertility isn't the biggest challenge I've had in life. I grew up with poverty and abuse, and was on my own by age 20. One of the hardest things about infertility is that besides my husband, I don't have any family of my own. It seems cruel that life has also denied me a child of my own. It's likely that the things I went through in childhood have effected my health and at least in part led to these issues. I have autoimmune issues which correlated to abuse and chronic stress in childhood. So, infertility is just one aspect of much suffering I've lived out. At the same time, I have a loving husband and despite our own difficult families, we've managed to stay together and be good to each other. I'm grateful everyday for him. My life's pleasures and possibilities far exceeds that of my parents (despite their easily having two children).
I have wondered at times if God has tested me. Sometimes, I've thought of Job and related my own experience to him sitting in the belly of the whale. I had a miserable childhood; I overcame that, married and worked a good job; I got mysteriously sick, had to stop working and couldn't get pregnant. Is this a test from God? Am I supposed to learn something from this? Will this make me a better person? In the story of Job, his faith remains strong. The point of the story is that suffering tests our faith in God. It's a compelling story.
Human life is full of suffering, but I don't believe God directs it or controls it. God offers us sustenance, and seeking out knowledge of the love of God and an acknowledgement of our common humanity is all we can do to alleviate that suffering. When I married my husband seven years ago, I imagined a future with children, a dog, a house, more people in our life through our children. I don't have any of those. Our life has been put on hold while trying to have children, and distracting ourselves from our lack of children. Instead we have many fewer people in our lives as our friends have all married and had children themselves and subsequently disappeared from our lives. We're more isolated without children and with infertility. It's saddening. I've worked very hard amidst this to stay connected to God and to other people. I'm grateful that I feel that connection mostly everyday.
People say to me, "it's up to God" about pregnancy, but I don't believe that. I want to. I want it to be some magical, wonderful thing that happens when people love each other. But we're beyond that. I know it depends instead on the refinement of a technology that wasn't even available when I was born. My own faith taught me growing up that ivf was wrong, that the creation of superfluous embryos was a punishable offense to God, that sex could only be about the possibility of children, that a marriage without children was abnormal. I know you can say that ivf itself, with its possibilities to create children for people who don't have them, can be from God, but if so what about all of the other human beings in time who didn't have access to ivf? Are they less worthy in God's eyes? What about people now who might have access to it, but can't afford it? I'm grateful for ivf, but I also recognize that I am lucky to be one of the few who can take advantage of it.
I don't know what will happen if I'm not pregnant, if I never get pregnant. How will I feel? I know that if I do, I will feel grateful to God. At times, maybe I will attribute my pregnancy, my happiness to God, but it will be a false attribution. God has nothing to do with it. The doctors do. Somehow though, our human life does come from God. I wouldn't be alive without God. I wouldn't be enjoying the sunshine, smelling the flowers, laughing with my husband, if not for God. So I can be grateful to God for my child's life, however that child is conceived.
Wishing you the best for your beta.
This is not the only storm I've been in either. I also don't believe God tests us but he does allow us to be tested by Satan, to allow us to grow! This life is but a blip in time compared to an eternity waiting. This life is to prepare us for the next.
My past consisted of drugs and alcohol. I was a broken mess, I've been arrested spent the night in jail. All that before I met Jesus. I say I should be dead, but God had other plans. I'm so sorry you had such a terrible upbringing. It isn't fair. I'm so glad you made it out, and have a wonderful husband.
My thoughts on Ivf... it took me so long to get to the point to do it. I prayed and prayed about it. I don't think it's for everyone, but if God leads you, it was his plan. I have felt Gods leading time and again. I trust that. I relate cancer to infertility. Would we tell a cancer patient to just put it in Gods hands and pray he gets well or go see a doctor? I am so thankful you have a Good perspective on God and his great love for you! Never forget it.. no matter what!
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