The Test of Faith Through Infertility

I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.

Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.

In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.

Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!

I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

Having Faith Through Trials

It is so crazy how God uses times like this to stretch our faith.  I mean, C and I really believed we would get pregnant the first try again with our December 2014 IVF. Ha!  It has almost been one whole year of starting IF treatments for baby #3, and no bambino!  I think that would have been to easy for God.  I think he would rather use this time to grow our faith and give us an amazing story to share with others to give Him all the glory.  I mean, Rocco and Maximus's story just keeps getting more and more miraculous, if I don't say so myself!

How on earth we every conceived, let alone conceived twins, is beyond my brain.

Born with a Septated Uterus

Two surgeries to remove it.

Have PCOS

Have MTHFR gene mutation (everyone with PCOS does, apparently)

Husbands sperm cannot penetrate my eggs (reason unknown)

Almost complete IVF failure

TWO healthy gorgeous boys born Aug. 5, 2011

WHAT AN AMAZING GOD WE HAVE

When I sit and reflect on that, I'm just blown away.  Now, how can I be upset that this time hasn't gone as planned!?  Yes, it is painful, yes, we wish it worked the first time, but then God wouldn't have answered our very first prayer of starting this journey for #3, which was, "Lord, please give us just enough!"  One of our fears was having left over embryos.  Now we won't.  We've used them all, or are about to. Each one will have been placed where it was supposed to go.  They have all been prayed over.

We are currently doing a bible study on faith.  I have to say the timing couldn't be more perfect.  One of the the things I've been struggling with isn't faith, because I believe our God can do anything (see above), but trusting that he will do it again for me.  TRUST has been such a big word for me as we go through this.  It is a scary thing to put all of your trust in something/someone.  I was really convicted about this, going through FET #4.  I wanted to put a wall up, go through the motions, so my heart won't break again, but that is not trusting in what He can do.  I am going to believe in the impossible.

"According to your FAITH, will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29

My faith is strong, My trust is finally catching up, I am believing and praying for our miracles.

Our tentative transfer date is going to be October 16th.  Prayers appreciated :)

Our last chance....

I want to start by thanking those of you who commented on my last post.  Thank you for your kind words and words of encouragement.  I definitely needed some time to mourn the loss of yet another embryo and chance to give Rocco and Maximus a sibling.  C was very devastated too. He thought for sure our third embryo would be a taker.

The past month has been so good for us.  A break from TTC, and a chance to just be 'us' again.  Breaks are SO good!  Its hard taking breaks especially the older I am getting, and I'm sure some of you can relate.  I'm 34, and I always said I would be done by 35, God always has a way of changing our plans doesn't he?

But here we are, we have two "okay" embryos left.  We are transferring both. Its funny what IF does to a person.  In the beginning, C was VERY adamant about only wanting one baby, and only transferring one embryo.  But after almost 1 year since we started the journey for #3, we just want a healthy baby or two!  We want better chances, and to be done.  IF takes such a toll every month.  Every negative or loss is heartbreaking, and it takes time to recover again.

My boys ask me for a baby sister.  Just yesterday Rocco said, "I want God to give me a baby sister."  I replied, "I want God to give you a baby sister too!  Sometimes God says 'no' or 'not yet' and we don't always know why.  But Mommy loves you and Maximus SO much, and I am SO happy with just us!"  It might just be us four, and I have to be okay with it, I can be okay with it... I will be okay with it.  Please Lord help me be content if your answer is no!

I've been looking into adoption as well, not to seriously yet, but a little.  I've looked at international verses domestic. Both are hard and take a lot of time.  I'm open to it, but the process is difficult. We really need to pray about it. And its hard to think about when we still have two beautiful blasts waiting to go home in my uterus.

Last cycle post FET #3 was a fast one, 34 days.  I  had a feeling it would be a good one since I felt really good and healthy. Today I'm CD6 and am my E2 Vivelle dots.  Our tentative transfer date it September 25.

What we are doing different this cycle?  Starting at square one...  Going back to where we conceived our sons.  We are transferring our embryos to the Redondo Beach office, Dr. R (my original dr) will be doing my transfer, I am having Kristine be our embryologist (she was our embryologist with our boys), and we are doing assisted hatching (that will be different.).

I want to say I'm hopeful, but my heart breaks in reality.  I don't want to lose these last two.  I'm praying these will be our take home babies, both of them.  I'll take the bedrest, I'll take the pains, I'll take the C-section, I'll take it all for these two little ones to make it.  I love these two. 

I loved all of them.  Each one has caused me heartbreak each one has caused me to love it, and want it.  I just have to believe, the ones we lost will be waiting for me in Heaven.  That is only what makes sense to my feelings.  They were a life, they were alive, they just didn't make it.

IVF #2 is Officially Underway!

I started my period on CD41.  I was so frustrated it took so long, but I was just getting back on track with my natural supplements so everything was a bit out of whack.

CD3 I went in for my baseline... blood work, ultrasound, and consult.  C also came to get his bloodworm and drop off a sample for the SA.  We brought the boys with us as well and made it a family trip ;-)  They didn't come back with my for the U/S and had a total meltdown instead.

We aren't telling any of our family about moving forward with IVF, just like last time.  It is going to be a bit more challenging with appointments and a set a twins, but we will make it work.

Why aren't we telling anyone?  We don't want opinions.  Its no one else's business.  We prayed about moving forward with IVF for a long time, just like we did last time.  IVF is such a personal choice and one that people can have very strong views about.  We love our family.  My mom is my best friend and would totally support us as well, but it is still fun to keep somethings private... and hopefully be able to share a miracle surprise!

When I need reassurance, I seek the Lord.  When I struggle, he give me strength.  When I pray, he guides my steps and answers me. I truly feel calm about this IVF, as I did last time.  I trust the Lord and know that what ever happens, it is in his plan for us.  That is so comforting.

The Results

Chris's SA : 40 mil, great motility, but only 2% morphology!  

We didn't wait the full 48 hours (36 hours) of abstinence and he had a little trouble completing the task, so to speak.  As for the morphology, it is no wonder we aren't getting pregnant!  His sperm cannot penetrate my eggs so we are moving forward with ICSI again :)

Sara's: All my numbers were exactly were they were supposed to be!  I can't remember the exact numbers, but my FSH and Estrogen meant I am still fertile (here's hoping!)  The first u/s I did over 5 years ago to check my ovaries, I had about 40-50 tiny cyst on each one!  This time, only 8-10!  How amazing!  Natural medicine and clean eating does really work!  

So Now What?

I started my BCP's.  After being drug and hormone free for four years now, let me just say, my body did NOT like this.  I started the pills (2/day for three days) on CD3.  I had a head ache (and I have one right now!) and was extremely exhausted for a week!  I was taking naps when my boys napped, like 2-3 hours a day!  My body is hating me :(

I go in Tuesday for my hysteroscopy (no fun!) to check my uterus for any changes, especially since I had given birth to twins, had a c-section, and two surgeries to remove my uterine septum.  He is also doing my trial transfer. 

We are on full steam ahead!  Its all happening so fast! Last time, things couldn't move fast enough, now, its going to be here before we know it!  

I start Lupron on the 12th and Stims on the 22, and a tentative Egg Retrieval on the 5th. Eeek!  I just received my GIANT box of meds today.  It is so crazy!  

I'm ready.

Lets do this!

Still waiting...

So frustrating.  You are finally ready to go ahead with it and I'm still waiting to start my period.  CD35 and no sign....

In the mean time, I am doing the 21 day FIX!  I am getting my body ready to get pregnant (God willing).  I gained 10 lbs last year while healing my body from anemia (thank you PCOS) and adrenal fatigue.  I've been working out with the P90x3 consistently since May and I really LOVE it.  But the FIX is really helping me with my portions.   I'm day 8 on the fix and I can already tell a difference in my waist!  Be sure to follow me on my FACEBOOK PAGE where I am posting meals and other health info :)

Fun with my 50! The boys... 13 months! (pictures galore!)

First pair of big boys shoes!  We love vans! 

Back yard exploration!  Every night the boys love to go outdoors to explore and watch airplanes!

Maximus!

Maximus 

Oliver taking a nap!

Rocco  

Rocco loves to play the "drum"

Maximus

Rocco 

Rocco looking at the airplanes! We live near an airport and the boys LOVE to watch them fly by!

Rocco

Rocco

Maximus... His hair is getting CURLY like Mommy's!

Rocco, VERY strait hair like Daddy

Grandma came out to visit!

Bedtime stories with Grandma!

Mommy and Maximus after bath

Mommy and Maximus

Mommy and Maximus

Mommy and Rocco

Mommy and Rocco

Rocco intrigued by my camera

What a month!  The boys are growing leaps and bounds!  It is unbelievable.  In one month the have gone from babies to toddlers!  Some new things they are doing are...

Maximus: Started saying "uh oh, I did it! "His first sentence at 13 months!! Also says, "hi," "ball,"when he is eating he loves to say"mom" about 5o times to see me smile, of course, "dada," he signs "all done" or in Italian, "Finito..." (what Italiano I do know, I speak it to the boys).  It honestly melts my heart!  He is still cruising every where. No first steps yet.  Love to push the Lawn mower. "spider crawls" on hands and feet.  He falls a lot, cries and wines a lot.  I know he gets frustrated and wants to communicate, but can't.  Maximus is very temperamental, and a tester, I have had to start disciplining (time outs for a minute in the pack n play!) him at 12 months (something I NEVER anticipated!)  He had started hitting and biting at 12 months.  He went from baby to toddler over night!  Thankfully, I believe in discipline.  I believe discipline is LOVE.  He has improved tremendously and knows there are consequences to negative behavior, even at this young age.

Rocco: Says, "plane" which sounds more like "pain." He has picked up on Maximus saying "Mom" during meal times and says "mama" about 20 times and waits for me to smile or say "Ciao" or "Ti amo" to him or Maximus or blow them a kiss.  He also signs, "finito,"waves "hi" and "bye" Every night we go out in the back yard and watch the planes fly over us.  I also have taught Rocco to wave "Ciao" to the planes! He Cruises everywhere. No walking yet or steps, but will stand with no hands.  He Also loves to push the Lawn mower. "Spider crawls" on hands and feet.  Rocco is SUCH A sweet LOVING lil boy.  He loves to give Kisses and hugs and rub his head all over me, Daddy and Maximus.  He has a very mellow personality and is an easy going boy.  I am thankful of the balance ;-)

Cycle update

Cycle one- 35 days

Cycle two- 44 days

Cycle three- still waiting... I'm CD 46

I have officially started the Pregnitude on September 17th, which would be CD 40 (since I had the short break of the flu).  I have had cramps and bloating and I feeling like i am going to start AF any minute, but haven't.  I am not sure why I feel this way?  I loathe PCOS.

Name Change?

Should I change the name of my blog?  I don't know...  I kind of feel like it is false advertising.  I would hate for an IFer to come to my blog and then be bombarded with baby.  But, at the same time, I liked reading blogs that that had a happy ending.  I would just read the past posts where they went through all the IF treatments and then get their BFP!  Hmmmm.....  What do you think??  If you think I should change, any suggestions would be great!

PS.  we still want a #3, just not now (unless it happens by a BFMiracle)!

The Plan...

is all set!  I went in to see Dr. R yesterday with C.  We dropped off the manly goods, then got the blood work done and out of the way.  C went first this time which I think was much better.   I had to run to the restroom really fast and when I got back, his face and lips were WHITE, and she hadn't even begun!  Thanks to the wonderful advice we received, I held his hand and began asking him about his work and what he needed to do today.  Distraction worked GREAT!  He even commented how good it was to be distracted and before he knew it it was over.  After I did my blood work, I went in to have the ultrasound done and waited.  Finally the nurse came in and let me know the news... I have to wait a month!  I guess the lab is down the last week of November and first week of December for cleaning.  I would have had to have my retrieval/transfer during that time.  I guess being on BCP's too long is not good for an IVF cycle either.  The way I look at it is I get the fresh and clean lab for our cycle... we'll be one of the first!

She took me in another room and took out a calendar and wrote down my new guesstimated IVF schedule...
                              -October 27- Start BCP's
                              -November 16th- last pill
                              -Novemeber 21- Start new pack of BCP's
                              -December 1- Start Lupron injections
                              -December 5-last BCP
                              -December 11- Start stims
                              -December 20-22 - Estimated Retrieval
                              -December 25-28- Estimated Transfer (yes Christmas Day included!)

Its really only two weeks later then we anticipated before.  I'm sure its going to fly by!

Once I got home, I was thinking about being on BCP's an extra month for nothing.  So, I thought, why not do clomid?  I even called to ask if it was okay.  As soon as I got off the phone I got a sick feeling, like that is the wrong decision.  I almost blogged about should I or shouldn't I do clomid this cycle?  But, I listened to my gut.  I am not doing it because I feel like it would be a waste.  I hated how 50 mg of clomid made me feel and doing a 100mg I'm sure would make me feel worse.  I didn't get all emotional and crazy on it, but I could feel my ovaries and I felt like they were going to explode sometimes.  I never felt that way with follistim.  Weird.  Anyways, also I just feel like C and I are on the right path again.  The decision of IVF just FEELS right. 

I started BCP's yesterday and I am excited, actually, to not have to think about again for a bit.  We get another little break... even though we have a lot of these lately!

I just came home from bible study and this weeks discussion was about being humble and how we are called to do so.  The major thing that resonated with me on this was that trying to do this IF on my own.  I have not been humble towards God in the past because I was trying to figure it all out on my own.  Basically, it was like I didn't NEED Him.  That is a major thing God has been working on me this past year.  Humbling myself to ask Him for strength, guidance, healing, His will, etc.  When we were going through IF treatments last year I relied too much on my doctor, too much on the Internet for answers, when I SHOULD have relied on God.  I left him out of the equation which only left me alone and depressed. 

This time... I have put God first in everything, this is the first time I really feel like we waited and God answered.  We didn't just JUMP into IVF we were led there (not saying its going to work the first time or ever).  I'm not sure what God is going to do here, there are a lot of possibilities and I know it may not work.  Part of going through this process may be for God to show us another avenue He wants us to take, or it may be to give us the child of our dreams.  The ONE thing I do know for sure is that I NEVER want to leave God out of the equation of my life again!

UGH

Dr. D finally called at 230! As soon as I knew it was my RE I knew it was a BFN. Of course I asked why? He said it could be a number of things because there is no reason it shouldn't have worked, being that I'm 28, released 5-6 eggs, DH sperm is an A+, etc. So he said that it could be that the shell of the egg is too firm, or the sperm don't have this enzyme to break the shell of the egg, etc. He also wants me to have an Hysteroscopy again to check on my uterus to make sure it didn't seal shut since I had that septum removal surgery in April. He did one in May, but we didn't start TTC again until Aug. So, if all that is clear he wants to have an IVF consultation.

I'm supposed to call when I start my period, probably tomorrow since I quit the progesterone yesterday (Great choice!). But, my husband and I don't want IVF. There are too many cases where it doesn't work. Plus, we are not sure about the ethics of creating a ton of embryo's and dumping the rest. I know there is still much to learn. I'm not throwing in the towel on that yet. However, I am already a nervous wreck and emotionally drained from the injectables. I would be completely and utterly devastated if it didn't work. I am already completely and utterly devastated injectables didn't work. We are taking a break... Except I'm going to try accupuncture and herbs to try to help regulate my period... at least see if it helps!

I made an appt. for next Tuesday at a wellness center. I spoke with the accupuncturist about what she could do for PCOS and irregular menses. She said that she prescribes chinese herbs which can help regulate menses, will teach me to eat the proper foods for fertility, and of course, acupuncture for everything else. I will learn more on Tuesday.

I'm not sure if I want to give up temping, and I'm still considering getting OPK's. I'm wondering if I will ovulate sooner since being on all these meds! That would be awesome! My last unmedicated cycle was 53 days! I think I have a lazy left ovary! My right ovulated every time on the medicated cycle and not my left. Also I tend to ovulate every other month, so that would make sense.

What I'm realizing, and what I said this entire time is that, yes, medicine works, but ultimately its God who has the power to make pregnancy happen! It is in His timing... not mine!


Dear God,

Please give me the patience to wait on what you have in store for Chris and I. I feel like I have been carrying the burden of infertility and have not been waiting on you. I have been trying to do this without you. Please forgive me. I know that you have my best interest in mind. I know that your timing is perfect. Please remind me daily of this. Lord, Chris and I want a child so much, and if it is your will, please grant us the desire of our hearts. Thank you. Amen.

It has officially been 1 year...

Of trying to conceive! I know I know, most people don't even begin the battle of infertility until now. In some ways my husband and I are extremely lucky! But, this past year we have been through so much (which I will get to). Many ups and downs, hopeful and the shot down.

It was the last week of July, 2008. We had almost been married for one year. We were camping down in San Onfre, CA for the weekend. I was just being silly and told him that my BC were just about finished and maybe we shouldn't get another pack. He agreed!! WHAT!?! I got giddy. That was the last week I took my BC.

August came we celebrated our first anniversary in Hawaii. It was very romantic, just like we had planned. August past and no period. I thought, "Could I be pregnant?" After very pregnant like symptoms (which I learned from Google), pelvic pain, sore breasts, fatigue, etc, no period (!), I took a pregnancy test (or 3) and got my first BFN! I was confused. I know my body I know when I am feeling something... different. FINALLY, September 19 I got my period 54 day cycle! My first red flag!

Although, I have always had irregular periods I thought maybe it would be different now that I'm an adult, a grown woman. I remember a doctor telling me once that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant b/c my cycles were so irregular. At the time I didn't think much of it. I had been on and off b/c since I was 19. It was the only thing that helped my acne which I have always struggled with.

Anyway, I continued to have occasional pelvic pain. I knew something was not right. I made an appointment with my obgyn, she sent me in to have an ultrasound done. When my results came in I could not believe my results. I was diagnosed with a bicornuate uterus (2 uteri). My dr. actually took out a piece of paper and drew what my uterus looked like in comparison to a "normal" uterus. I am abnormal. She said I am unique.

October, I was sent in to have an HSG test. This is where they put a dye in a cathetor and put it through your cervix shoot it into your uterus to make sure there are no blockages in the fallopian tubes and that my uteri are both functioning.

After getting over the shock and coming to the realization that I would most likely end up on bedrest and have to have a c-section, if I got pregnant, I realized God made me this way, for whatever reason, and it was time to rely on Him for support.

My obgyn told me that we can try on our own for a while and if we were not pregnant by March to come back and we can try clomid. The next five months we figured that if we got pregnant it was meat to be since I was so irregular and I had two uteri. Well, nothing happened.

I went back to my obhyn in March. At this time she decided to give me a referral to an infertility specialist, Dr. Dourran (I'll call him Dr. D), who had coincidently helped her concieve through IUI. She said she didn't want to waste time with it and "get me pregnant."

Thank goodness I was sent to him because He brought new things to light. Dr. D ended up doing an ultrasound and thought that I may have a septated uterus. He said 9/10 times thats what it is. He didn't know for sure, however. I had to have surgery I was praying that it was septated, because that would mean it would be fixable and I would be able to potentially have a normal pregancy and delivery. Also, during the ultrasound the doctor said I had 30-50 follicals on each ovary and that I have PCOS, which is why I don't have my period very often :(

I had the hysteroscopy/laproscopy on Thursday, April 23. It was an almost 2 hour surgery! He went in through my belly button and through a Tiny incision (about the width of my pinky nail) below my bikini line. He had to take a camera and see if the top of my uterus was flat or if it was the shape of a V. That was the only way to tell if it was septated. If it was septated (meaning there was tissue coming down the middle of my uterus creating two wombs) he was going to remove it. Dr. D did!! It was septated. That was the first thing I asked when I woke up. I was shocked.

Recovery was not too bad. The first two days I was on strict bed rest and was in a lot of pain (Thank goodness for vicodin!). My mom came over and took care of me the second day since my husband had to go back to work. Monday I was back at work, but taking it very easy. I'm a high school teacher so I had my students helping me a lot.

I had to be on estrogen patches for three weeks following surgery. I guess it helped with healing. Once I stopped the patches I had a HORRIBLE period. I woke up soaked in blood and I had a tampon in. I was scared. I didn't realize how bad it was going to be, Dr. D never told me. At my one month follow up, he asked me how my period was and I found out that was normal. My uterus was cleaning itself out from the surgery. Dr. D did a follow up hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn't any scar tissue. There wasn't!

My DH and I wanted to try on our own one last timebecause we were going to Italy in July for our two year anniversary. I decided that I was going to take it very serious and start temping. I wasn't even sure I could ovulate on my own. I did end up ovulating on CD39, one week before we left for Italy and then started my period while we were there, very disappointing. But I still believe everything happens for a reason.

We got home from Italy on July24. I called Dr. D on Monday to tell him what has happened with my, cycle ovulation, etc. I now have an appointment on Wednesday, August 5, which will be CD21, to come in for a progesterone shot to start my period. Once my period starts I will start fertillity treatments which will TBA...

So that is my year summed up into one blog entry. I have been through a lot some good, some bad, and some ugly. But I now know that my DH and I are now emotionally and financially ready to become loving parents. I believe things happen for a reason and I am thankful I have not become pregant yet. Why? Because Dr. D said after my surgery that I would have had miscarraige after miscarraige because of my septated uterus. Everything happens for a reason.