Having Faith Through Trials

It is so crazy how God uses times like this to stretch our faith.  I mean, C and I really believed we would get pregnant the first try again with our December 2014 IVF. Ha!  It has almost been one whole year of starting IF treatments for baby #3, and no bambino!  I think that would have been to easy for God.  I think he would rather use this time to grow our faith and give us an amazing story to share with others to give Him all the glory.  I mean, Rocco and Maximus's story just keeps getting more and more miraculous, if I don't say so myself!

How on earth we every conceived, let alone conceived twins, is beyond my brain.

Born with a Septated Uterus

Two surgeries to remove it.

Have PCOS

Have MTHFR gene mutation (everyone with PCOS does, apparently)

Husbands sperm cannot penetrate my eggs (reason unknown)

Almost complete IVF failure

TWO healthy gorgeous boys born Aug. 5, 2011

WHAT AN AMAZING GOD WE HAVE

When I sit and reflect on that, I'm just blown away.  Now, how can I be upset that this time hasn't gone as planned!?  Yes, it is painful, yes, we wish it worked the first time, but then God wouldn't have answered our very first prayer of starting this journey for #3, which was, "Lord, please give us just enough!"  One of our fears was having left over embryos.  Now we won't.  We've used them all, or are about to. Each one will have been placed where it was supposed to go.  They have all been prayed over.

We are currently doing a bible study on faith.  I have to say the timing couldn't be more perfect.  One of the the things I've been struggling with isn't faith, because I believe our God can do anything (see above), but trusting that he will do it again for me.  TRUST has been such a big word for me as we go through this.  It is a scary thing to put all of your trust in something/someone.  I was really convicted about this, going through FET #4.  I wanted to put a wall up, go through the motions, so my heart won't break again, but that is not trusting in what He can do.  I am going to believe in the impossible.

"According to your FAITH, will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29

My faith is strong, My trust is finally catching up, I am believing and praying for our miracles.

Our tentative transfer date is going to be October 16th.  Prayers appreciated :)

Yesterday...

I spent most of the day laying on the couch. First because I felt like crap from ER. My stomach is very bloated, has a VERY full feeling, and its very uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I have mild OHSS.  I can feel little stings in my ovaries occasionally. It feels like I have serious indigestion. I have been staying away from carbs (breads, pasta's, rice, etc) and drinking a lot of pedialyte and Gatorade. Not sure if its helping much because I felt way worse yesterday than the day before.

Second, I gave myself the day to be depressed. On one hand, I was pretty devastated (I feel like crap for nothing!). On the other hand, we have a diagnosis! After 2 1/2 years of ttc, we now know why we can't get pregnant! Even though I have pcos, I ovulate. Even though I was born with a septate uterus, it doesn't cause IF. C's sperm just don't want anything to do with my eggs!

Since I spent most of the day on the couch, I also used my android for some serious research with Dr. Google. What I read was pretty devastating (which did not help me feeling helpless and depressed!)!  With Rescue ICSI, eggs are old so the likely hood of them making good embryo's is slim and the likely hood of any implanting of giving you a baby is 7%. 7%!!!! That's not very much. However, I also asked Dr. Google to show me some success stories with Rescue ICSI... I found some! So I do have hope again! Especially since Dr. R called with our report a few min ago...

Dr. R... "I am calling with a better tone in my voice today!"

Me... "Okay???"

Dr. R... "We have at least five embryo's, but the embryologist is going to call you in a little bit with the official report!"

Me... "Thank you God! On the bright side at least we have a diagnosis!"

Dr. R... "Ya, but not the best way to do it!"

Me... "No kidding!"

So, we have AT LEAST five! FIVE embryo's! This is the CLOSEST we have EVER came to being pregnant! We actually have little babies growing in a petri-dish! I cannot believe it!

I know the likelihood of them making babies is slim. But, I am praying for a miracle! Miracles happen every day!

We are now doing a Day 3 transfer, which is really a Day 4 from ER, Monday afternoon sometime!  I am also going to ask if we can implant more then one since the quality isn't going to be as high! 

Will know more soon!  I have HOPE again!

I was terribly mistaken...

about the number of follicles (eggs) I have.  I have over 20 ranging from 13-15mm in diameter now.  What happens is the doctors stop counting after they get a good idea of what their working with and say "PCO".  I saw Dr. R today, he was pretty impressed and said I'm doing "quite well," and "surgery is definitely on for Thursday!"  I'm going to trigger tomorrow night sometime, which I will find out more at tomorrows appointment.

From what I've read about PCOS, it may affect egg quality.  So, even though we have lots of follicles, they may not all be mature or the best quality.  If we have 20 eggs retrieved I will be ecstatic if half of them make embryo's.

The nurse wants me on a low-carb diet now so my body doesn't retain lots of water after ER.  I responded, "at Christmas time?"  Its so hard right now.  I'm loving not being on a diet.  She also wants me to "take it easy and rest."  No problem, I'm exhausted from all the holiday festivities!!

Because of our faith, choosing to move forward with IVF was really difficult.  I was concerned about having extra embryo's.  What would we do with them?  Although the bible doesn't discuss IVF, it is our belief that at conception a life is formed.  For some people they are cells, and to C and I they will be our babies.  If some don't make it, I will know I will have babies waiting for me in heaven.  I just keep praying that God gives us what we can handle.  C and I had decided that we would use all the embryo's we get.  I am having faith that God will bless us with the right amount.  Not to many, and hopefully, not too little.  Its a little scary having PCOS, because of all the follicles we produce!

Not sure if I mentioned this before... because I still have the residual septum, Dr. R only wants to implant a SINGLE embryo.  I am a little bummed because I have always dreamed of having twins, but because I have this funky uterus it is safer for me and my potential baby.

I have been contemplating the what ifs...

If this cycle doesn't work... I MAY take out the septum (then Dr. R would implant two embies)
If I have a chemical pregnancy... I WILL take out the septum
If I have a miscarriage... I WILL take out the septum
If this cycle works... I WILL THANK GOD FOR THE MIRACLE AND PRAY DAILY FOR THE SAFETY OF THIS BABY

I am pretty...

devastated.  I just came home from my office hysteroscopy.  Thank God C came with me or I would have seriously been a wreck.  Usually I go into these and they are a piece of cake.  Usually take about five minutes.  This one took a lot longer.  It is very uncomfortable sitting there spread eagle and having a doctor dilate your cervix (ouch!).    C was a trooper and his hand is probably a bit sore from me squeezing it so hard.  Dr. R is very thorough so thank goodness for that!  When he first went in he thought every thing looked great, as did we.  Then he moved the camera over to the other "horn" and there is was... that dang septum is back for the THIRD time!  Two canals again. 

After he was done I just laid there, fighting back the tears.  What else could I do?  Dr. R stated our options and it is up to us what to do.  We can either have it removed for the third time, or go ahead with IVF and only implant one embryo.  How do we decide that?  He wouldn't give us an opinion either way.  I just broke down in tears at this point.  I don't know what to do???

C doesn't feel like he can go through another surgery.  Neither do I.  I have never even been pregnant so we aren't sure it would even cause that big of a problem.  LUCKILY, we remembered what Dr. R said from our first meeting, "I never would have removed the septum in the first place unless it caused a problem (aka miscarriage)."  Do we wait to see if we can get pregnant and potentially miscarry? Or do we do a cycle hope to get some really good embies, if we miscarry, have the surgery and then do a FET (God willing)?  UGH!!!!  I am pretty much devastated that we have to make this decision, AGAIN.

Feedback wanted please!  Thanks!

The surgery...

went great! I went in last Thursday for my SECOND uterine septum resection. I was much more relaxed, unlike the previous time. I knew what to expect, so that made it much easier going in! C stayed with me the entire time... making me laugh, along with all of the hospital staff, which was nice. Dr. D arrived at EXACTLY 11:45 (he's so punctual!) to take me back. Before I got wheeled away, C gave me a kiss, and then the anesthesiologist gave me a "relaxing" drug. It made me feel drunk! Before I knew it, I was out, and waking up in recovery 45 min later.

I was more coherent, less groggy, and in much less pain than the previous surgery. This is because last time Dr. D did the Laparoscopy as well and the surgery took 1 hour and 45 min. I woke up to graham crackers and juice and before I left I received a "happy pill..." percocet, I believe!

Once home, C thought I would sleep the rest of the night so he took me upstairs to bed. A couple hours later, I came downstairs to watch TV... which is where I spent pretty much the rest of the weekend. C was amazing all weekend! He truely made me feel loved. He made me all of my meals, made me a spritzer (San Pellegrino and cranberry juice!)when ever I wanted, etc. I am so lucky to have him as my husband!

Overall, recovery was much better, I had to move slow, but was in much less pain. I went back to work Monday. My students were awesome... helping me when I needed it! I stayed in my desk all day. However, by Tuesday I was a new woman! I no longer needed pain meds, and was moving around much quicker!

I am ecstatic about the results. Dr. D printed me some pics. The uterine septum is completely gone! Last time I remember seeing a little lip left over. Dr. D was less conservative this time! I am excited to see what the future holds!

I am currently on an estrogen patch for two more weeks. Next, I will be taking prometrium in order to start my period. Then on CD3 I will be starting Follistim!

C and I have learned a lot since our last cycles. We realized that medicine does work, but God is ultimately in control. We are relying much more on Him, and much less on us (I think that's a song!). Prayer is so important and it has definitely been what has kept us strong in this journey. Our family and friends have been so supportive and we have people praying for us that we don't even know! We feel so blessed.

To try or not to try...

Well I'm CD24. I am getting close to O, hopefully it will be a little sooner this cycle, since I'm on the Met now. The last two cycles I O'd on CD30, which made my cycles 43days each. But the question is, do we try for baby even though my septum is back and I'm scheduled for surgery in exactly 32 days? If we do try and get pregnant, what if I miscarry or worse, have preterm labor later on? Chances are, since I have NEVER been pregnant, I will NOT get pregnant this cycle.

My other thought is if I did get pregnant, it would be a miracle and maybe that baby is meant to be. I just don't want to do anything that will make this waiting process any longer... because I am SUPER excited to get this surgery over with. That is my rambling for the day. I have to get my thoughts out some where... my husband can only handle so much!

I am also SUPER excited because Chris made 'Presidents Club' at work! He is being awarded with a trip to South Beach... and I'm able to go because of when my surgery is! We were worried that the timing would be bad, but we leave on March 10th, 13 days after my surgery. I will just be getting that balloon out and will hopefully be feeling good.

Right now, since we are not officially ttc, I am back working out, hoping to tone up a bit so I'm not completely embarrassed to get in a bathing suit then.

We found our dream home yesterday! It has been so hard deciding where we want to move next. Currently we live in a tri-level town home that is sooo not kid friendly. But, if we got PG by next April, our baby(ies) would be due in January and then that gives us another year before they start walking to save up enough money for a big down payment.

We have been watching these homes for a while. It is a new housing track in a awesome location by the beach. This is going to be one of the last new home developments in the area. There are parks and plenty of trails that take you through a preserved area, great for bird watching!

Yesterday we took Oliver (my pup) down through the trails. It was such a beautiful day after being inside for a week because of the rain! It is nice to have a plan and a focus on what we want for our future! Now, all we need are some babes to bring along!

So, since I'm a planner, and I like to know what to expect with all this ttc stuff. I figured out all my upcoming dates:

Feb. 25 surgery, Get on estrogen patches
March 8 Get balloon out of my uterus
March 10 Leave for South Beach!
March 18 get off estrogen patches
March 21 start Period
March 23 start folllistim
April 5ish trigger/IUI


Yea!!!! I am praying this is it!

Good News and Bad News...

Which do you want first?? Well I will give you the bad news since that is what I got first... My uterine septum grew back! I was laying there on the table with Chris holding my hand, looking at the TWO cavities of my uterus. My other hand was on my head as I was holding back the tears. I had read about this recently, although I didn't quite believe it. I had found virtually no literature on it. The only thing I found was on yahoo answers. It was a girl saying it happened to her... I don't believe EVERYTHING I read on the internet ;-) Maybe I should?

Doctor D. wants to have surgery again next week! Ugh! Here comes the good news... this is why my AMAZING follistim cycle in September didn't work. He says "We have a short window of opportunity to get you pregnant." I go in for surgery next week, we will try follistim in February once I'm healed. If that doesn't work, IVF in March. This does answer a LOT of prayers. Now we Know how SCREWED up my uterus is, we don't have a lot of time or options.

I asked about getting pregnant next time... he said "hopefully, your uterus will stretch out so we don't have to keep doing surgery. But we will do a hysteroscopy each time to make sure." It will be okay to keep doing the surgery I guess, my uterus walls look fabulous with no scar tissue.

Back on the TTC path again... I guess I love my RE... Dr. D's got my back ;-)

Hysteroscopy day...

Well today's the day! I took a day off of work because I go for my hysteroscopy at 11:15. I started my antibiotics yesterday and then I take them till tomorrow. I am going to make sure my uterus has healed correctly since I had my surgery (removal of the septum) last April. I'm am about 99.9% sure it has. I honestly believe that the missing piece of the puzzle was the Metformin. I have been reading so many amazing things from people who have taken it. For example, one girl went through 4 1/2 years of of ttc, doing every kind of fertility treatment all gave her a BFN (so sad!). Then the doctor gave her metformin, then BAM (!) pregnant two months later! Here is a link to the success stories :

http://www.soulcysters.net/metformin-success-stories-193442/

It REALLY pisses me off! There has been so much research stating that all pcos'rs benefit from met. It NEEDS to be protocol! Why is there a lack of information for doctors? Why do I need to be my own self advocate to get the RIGHT things done? Some how in some way, the word needs to be spread. Too many women are suffering, not getting the information and help they need with their (unexplained?) symptoms! Its Bull shit!

I am happy that there are websites such as Soulcysters, that provide us women with support. It has definitely benefited me from reading.

On a different note, Dr. D wants to do and IVF consultation after my hysteroscopy. I am going to listen with an open mind, but tell him that Chris and I plan to give the Met 6 months... that would bring us to May. I started Metformin on 12/7/09. And BTW, since I have bumped it up to 1500 mg a couple weeks ago, I feel FABULOUS!!! I am beginning to have more energy, I am less hungry and I have lost almost 3lbs!!! I feel like my body is starting to function like a NORMAL human being!!!

I have goals for this new year (which I am feeling soooo optimistic about!). I am turning 29 on Sunday, Jan. 10. I can not wait to be 29, I am ready for 28 to be over it was a difficult year. 29 is going to bring new and exciting things... I just feel it! My New Years resolution is to GET PREGNANT! I know that is not COMPLETELY in my control, but I am planning on doing everything in my power. Here is what I'm doing now:

1) Walking every day (No gym, toned down my workouts)
2) Weights at home (2-3 days/week)
3) Low GI diet (easy and yummy!) (Book: The New Glucose Revolution by Jennie Brand-
Miller... given to me by my dietitian)
4) 3 fish oils w/ breakfast
5) prenatal
6) Vitamin D3
7) Calcium
8) 1500 mg Metformin with dinner
9) Acupuncture (once a week) and Chinese herbs (everyday)
10) Breathing exercises to lower cortisol (from dietitian)

That's it! Bring on 2010!!

It has officially been 1 year...

Of trying to conceive! I know I know, most people don't even begin the battle of infertility until now. In some ways my husband and I are extremely lucky! But, this past year we have been through so much (which I will get to). Many ups and downs, hopeful and the shot down.

It was the last week of July, 2008. We had almost been married for one year. We were camping down in San Onfre, CA for the weekend. I was just being silly and told him that my BC were just about finished and maybe we shouldn't get another pack. He agreed!! WHAT!?! I got giddy. That was the last week I took my BC.

August came we celebrated our first anniversary in Hawaii. It was very romantic, just like we had planned. August past and no period. I thought, "Could I be pregnant?" After very pregnant like symptoms (which I learned from Google), pelvic pain, sore breasts, fatigue, etc, no period (!), I took a pregnancy test (or 3) and got my first BFN! I was confused. I know my body I know when I am feeling something... different. FINALLY, September 19 I got my period 54 day cycle! My first red flag!

Although, I have always had irregular periods I thought maybe it would be different now that I'm an adult, a grown woman. I remember a doctor telling me once that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant b/c my cycles were so irregular. At the time I didn't think much of it. I had been on and off b/c since I was 19. It was the only thing that helped my acne which I have always struggled with.

Anyway, I continued to have occasional pelvic pain. I knew something was not right. I made an appointment with my obgyn, she sent me in to have an ultrasound done. When my results came in I could not believe my results. I was diagnosed with a bicornuate uterus (2 uteri). My dr. actually took out a piece of paper and drew what my uterus looked like in comparison to a "normal" uterus. I am abnormal. She said I am unique.

October, I was sent in to have an HSG test. This is where they put a dye in a cathetor and put it through your cervix shoot it into your uterus to make sure there are no blockages in the fallopian tubes and that my uteri are both functioning.

After getting over the shock and coming to the realization that I would most likely end up on bedrest and have to have a c-section, if I got pregnant, I realized God made me this way, for whatever reason, and it was time to rely on Him for support.

My obgyn told me that we can try on our own for a while and if we were not pregnant by March to come back and we can try clomid. The next five months we figured that if we got pregnant it was meat to be since I was so irregular and I had two uteri. Well, nothing happened.

I went back to my obhyn in March. At this time she decided to give me a referral to an infertility specialist, Dr. Dourran (I'll call him Dr. D), who had coincidently helped her concieve through IUI. She said she didn't want to waste time with it and "get me pregnant."

Thank goodness I was sent to him because He brought new things to light. Dr. D ended up doing an ultrasound and thought that I may have a septated uterus. He said 9/10 times thats what it is. He didn't know for sure, however. I had to have surgery I was praying that it was septated, because that would mean it would be fixable and I would be able to potentially have a normal pregancy and delivery. Also, during the ultrasound the doctor said I had 30-50 follicals on each ovary and that I have PCOS, which is why I don't have my period very often :(

I had the hysteroscopy/laproscopy on Thursday, April 23. It was an almost 2 hour surgery! He went in through my belly button and through a Tiny incision (about the width of my pinky nail) below my bikini line. He had to take a camera and see if the top of my uterus was flat or if it was the shape of a V. That was the only way to tell if it was septated. If it was septated (meaning there was tissue coming down the middle of my uterus creating two wombs) he was going to remove it. Dr. D did!! It was septated. That was the first thing I asked when I woke up. I was shocked.

Recovery was not too bad. The first two days I was on strict bed rest and was in a lot of pain (Thank goodness for vicodin!). My mom came over and took care of me the second day since my husband had to go back to work. Monday I was back at work, but taking it very easy. I'm a high school teacher so I had my students helping me a lot.

I had to be on estrogen patches for three weeks following surgery. I guess it helped with healing. Once I stopped the patches I had a HORRIBLE period. I woke up soaked in blood and I had a tampon in. I was scared. I didn't realize how bad it was going to be, Dr. D never told me. At my one month follow up, he asked me how my period was and I found out that was normal. My uterus was cleaning itself out from the surgery. Dr. D did a follow up hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn't any scar tissue. There wasn't!

My DH and I wanted to try on our own one last timebecause we were going to Italy in July for our two year anniversary. I decided that I was going to take it very serious and start temping. I wasn't even sure I could ovulate on my own. I did end up ovulating on CD39, one week before we left for Italy and then started my period while we were there, very disappointing. But I still believe everything happens for a reason.

We got home from Italy on July24. I called Dr. D on Monday to tell him what has happened with my, cycle ovulation, etc. I now have an appointment on Wednesday, August 5, which will be CD21, to come in for a progesterone shot to start my period. Once my period starts I will start fertillity treatments which will TBA...

So that is my year summed up into one blog entry. I have been through a lot some good, some bad, and some ugly. But I now know that my DH and I are now emotionally and financially ready to become loving parents. I believe things happen for a reason and I am thankful I have not become pregant yet. Why? Because Dr. D said after my surgery that I would have had miscarraige after miscarraige because of my septated uterus. Everything happens for a reason.