4dp6dt- 5dp6dt Transfer Eight

I took this last night! This is my tried and true pregnancy symptom... I get major bloat which looks more like a pooch! My stomach was flat 4 days ago! It started 3dp6dt and by yesterday it's definitely more! The best part, it's still here this morning! After three losses I'm staying cautiously optimistic, but with those pregnancies, I never had it this early! Praying at least one of these little ones stuck and continue!

Here are some more symptoms... went to dinner last night with friends, exhausted by 8pm! Restless sleep again. Peed twice in the middle of the night. It's 11am right now and I need a nap 😴

3dp6dt Transfer numero eight!

Houston, we have symptoms!

I got super bloated from being on Lupron for so long. After stopping, it took a while to go back down.  The day of transfer I woke up and thought, "wow, the bloat is gone!  My stomach is finally going back to normal!"  I actually thought I looked thin again!  Well that is GONE!

This morning I woke up and thought my stomach looked a little bloated and C agreed, but then I didn't think much of it.  As the day went on, I started getting very tired and foggy headed, boobs started getting much more sore, and tonight... I got the bloat!  The bloat I can't suck in... I can't believe it!!!  I'm 90% sure as least one of these little ones attached!  Please Lord keep them growing big, strong and healthy!

The breakdown...

AM:  Woke up multiple times last night, once to pee, vivid dreams (the last couple nights), slightly bloated, hungry, made out with DH and his mouth tasted like metal!

Lunch: opened my salad and it smelled stinky to me, I almost didn't eat it.  Tired and foggy headed, sore bb's and more pulling on the left side in pelvic area.

PM: Sore bb's, and the bloat is back!!!

Please pray for us!!!

Transfer Eve...

Chris and I were just going over what number transfer this is.  He thinks its six I think its eight or I'm considering it the eighth!

Transfer ONE- IVF #1- My beautiful twins
Transfer TWO- IVF #2-FET 1- SET BFP low beta of 33, miscarried at 6 weeks.
Transfer THREE- FET 2-SET BFN
Transfer FOUR- FET 3- SET BFN
Transfer FIVE- FET 4- two embryos- BFP Beta 120ish - second Beta 89ish :(
Transfer SIX- Using my frozen eggs- embryo died. Didn't transfer, but I count it, bc it died day of transfer :(
Transfer SEVEN- IVF #3- Two beautiful 6aa blasts. started to implant then fizzed out.
Transfer EIGHT- PGS- Two blasts- ???

Looking at this is scary. Daunting. Heart wrenching for anyone to go through this.  I can't believe it was me!  This doesn't count the surgeries, IUI's, hundreds of injections, pills, thousands of dollars, and months TTC on our own!  I can ask why me God, but I already know the answer!  God has been using this to work big things in my heart.  I have always been one who can 'figure it out' to make it work.  This is the one thing in my life, I can't.  I have to rely totally on God.  I have no idea what the future holds, if we get our miracle(s), or not, if this will be our last transfer, or not.  But looking at this knowing what we did this cycle to make it work,  I can't imagine anything else will help it happen.

This cycle I feel like I have completely let go.  I had one or two days of anxiety about my progesterone.  But thank God, I got approval about doing the PIO and Corinne.  Other than that, I just stopped talking about it, not with my IRL friends, not with my bible study, I don't really want prayers... Okay I do really want prayers, but I don't really want to ask people I know!  I feel like I'm done with all that.  God knows my heart.  God knows the desires of my heart, and he also knows what is best for us.  This is it.  I'm at peace, totally calm about tomorrow.  I pray this peace will continue through the 2ww and beyond!

So, tomorrow, I have to be there at 9am.  After transfer I do another intralipids via IV. I start lovenox tomorrow night, a little scared about that because I heard it burns, and those bruises look terrible :(

THREE days til PUPO status!

That God has a plan. That our tears and heartbreak won't go wasted.  That he will use them for His glory.  That His plan is greater than our desires.  I believe.

When you find a chocolate pineapple you must eat it right away, because it must be good luck!

I'm totally counting down!  I have been so calm about this whole cycle... until I started the progesterone! I think part of the thing that has helped me so much is not talking about it with my friends/family.  I'm not obsessing.  I also just felt that God was leading me to this RE, so I am trusting in this plan.  We also found a septum and removed it, we are trying a whole new protocol, are doing intralipids (One round done, will do another day of transfer and another after BFP!), and I start lovenox transfer night!  However, I started worrying again when I started the progesterone on Monday!

Getting my Intra lipids via IV!

So, I know some of you have done more progesterone than your RE recommended.  My new RE only recommends crinone twice a day, AM/PM.  That's it!  I'm sorry, but after our first miscarriage, I had my progesterone tested, it was only a 7 and I was on 3 suppositories per day! I messaged my coordinator and she said

"The gel twice per day should be adequate. If the progesterone is less than 10 at time of hug test, then we will add PIO."

I'm sorry but I don't want to risk it!  I have three bottles of unopened PIO from my IVF #3.  I added 1 cc of PIO to the regimen.  After what we have been through, I'm not risking not having enough!  That is crazy!  So I'm doing 1 shot of PIO and crinone twice a day.  You cannot take too much progesterone, but you can have too little!

We did a mini trip to Santa Barbara last week! Maximus on left, Rocco on right!

Lets Do This! IVF#3

Just finished my last day of Lupron!  Woot woot!!

Lining Check... DONE!
Bloodwork... DONE!

See my twins behind the dildo cams?  They are such good boys!

I've been pretty good on the lupron except for the last few days.  I've been super emotional.  It has not helped that my brother and his girlfriend just announced that they are "accidentally" expecting.  Hearing my moms joy for this new baby to be just broke me.  Everyone knows what we have been through this past year, so much loss and heartbreak.  She knows we are going through IVF again.  It made me want to STOP sharing my story with anyone.  NO one gets the pain.  No one knows what its like to go through IF.  This just makes me want to keep it all in, and share with only my IVF and IF sisters.

Everyone is just so excited over this baby, which I know i will love too, but the timing couldn't be more terrible.  Here we are, married, doing what is 'right', and they accidentally get knocked up, while i go and give my self drugs, shots in the gut!  She didn't even want kids.  When I said congrats to her, she was like, 'haha ya thanks.'  She has no idea the gift she has been given.

My heart breaks, but I am holding on to a tiny bit of hope for us, for my boys, who are also praying a baby!

Tomorrow is going to be DAY 1 for stims!  Here is what my meds are...

AM-baby aspirin, 5iu lupron, 1 cc menopur

PM- 100iu gonal-f

Last IVF I stimmed for 11 days.  I'm guessing it will be about the same!

LETS DO THIS!

Hope By a Thread... IVF#3 FET#1

I started AF two days ago, finally.  I had a 34 day cycle. Not too shabby for us with PCOS...  Last month it was a 30 day.  Just an update on taking Pregnitude, I have not taken it in over a year.  I do feel that it helped, but now I realize a clean, all natural diet is more prudent to keep my cycles regular and my weight in check.

I am in progress for my FET, CD 2 today.  Going for my day 3 blood work and u/s tomorrow.

I have to be honest, my heart still breaks.  My heart is so guarded.  I feel like I cannot get my hopes up with our 5AA.  I am having to stay distant or rather disconnected from this process.

Originally, I was thinking if this didn't take I may be up for one more IVF, but now, I think this may really be our last shot.

The thought of dragging this out anymore, pumping my body full of more hormones that I know are NOT good for me, is just to much for me to bare.

So this is me, holding on to hope by a thread, having faith that God knows what is best, and truly praying for a HUGE miracle.

Dr. Amin started me an antihistamine protocol a few weeks ago, per the other doctor I visited suggested it.  I am taking one pepcid and one claritin in the morning and one pepcid in the evening.  I do have horrible allergies so I'm hoping it helps.  I started my E2 patches on CD1.  Tentatively transfer is going to be March 9, lining check March 2.

Taken February 13, 2016 (9 years since our proposal). 

FET #4 Transfer Day Update!

Thinking PINK!  Although we would be happy, ecstatic, blessed, grateful, with a healthy baby or two no matter the sex!  On our way!

Yesterday went off without a hitch.  Except for the fact that I woke up at 4 am to pee and then couldn't go back to sleep for the life of me because I was TOO EXCITED!  I couldn't believe the day was finally here!  I ended up getting out of bed at 4:30, made a cup of Tulsi Camomile tea and spent some time in The Word.

I'm in reading in 1 Samuel and I'm to the part where Saul went to meet Samuel so he could speak a prophetic word to him.  When he arrived, Samuel said to Saul, I've been waiting for you!  I have a word from the Lord.  He went on and said that he was going to be king and rule over the Isrealites.  Saul replied, who me?  But I am the least in all of my tribe!  He was anointed, filled with the Holy Spirit and went on to be a King!  It was the perfect reading for this transfer day.  I couldn't help but reflect on our last two embryo's.  They were the weakest in the bunch, but God LOVES to use the weak to make them strong!  It was so comforting and reassuring to read this and confirm that I can trust in him and his promises.

We ate a quick breakfast, took quick showers and I used coconut oil as lotion since it is all natural (my favorite anyway), nothing scented!  My friend L came to help with the boys yesterday.  This time we didn't tell ANYONE, besides her, that we were having our transfer.  C is a little superstitious, since we didn't tell anyone with the boys and it worked then.  When I walked out front I looked up and the sky was just gorgeous!  I was like it was a sign that today was going to be perfect...

C and I feeling hopeful before we left!

We arrived in Redondo Beach a little before 9am.  I met my acupuncturist, D,  in the lobby for the first time, she is very sweet and helpful.  C went to go get a cup of coffee at a coffee shop while I had my acupuncture done and I realized I left my water bottle in the car I was supposed to drink!  Acupuncture was okay.  It wasn't that relaxing before transfer because I was SO anxious!  I just wanted to know how my little embabies were doing.  One of my fears was that one would not make the thaw.  However, D brought an awesome meditation for me to listen to which helped a bit.  While I was laying there I was envisioning  God's hands holding our to blasts like usual.  I was also envisioning angels surrounding me blowing trumpets, it was a beautiful thing!  Then as I saw Gods hands, the were suddenly over my belly and I saw him open His hands and let them fall onto my stomach.  It was amazing!  It was like he was telling me they are going to be okay, these are the ones I am giving you!  I pray this is right!

After acupuncture I drank three large glasses of water quickly and took my valium.  They wheeled me into the transfer room, which is the same room I had my ER in too.  Dr. A checked to see if my bladder was full enough, and it wasn't so I had to drink another large glass of water.  I was a little relieved because my valium hadn't kicked in just yet.  A few minutes later Kristine our embryologist from R & M's rescue ICSI cycle came in and I totally teared up!  It was so good to see her!  I showed her a picture of my boys and she said she always shows other couples who end up needing rescue ICSI a picture I gave her of my twins, who need hope!  I thought that was beautiful!  They are such miracles!

Kristine said "BOTH embryo's thawed beautifully!" Praise Jesus!  C got to see them in the petri dish again prior to transfer, just like with the boys.  I think that is so cool!  I am SO thankful we transferred these two back to where it all began!

Our beautiful blasts... The top is a 4AB, and the bottom a 3AB.  He makes the weak STRONG!

Transfer was perfect too!  Dr. A is awesome, she really took her time and researched where Dr. R placed the twins in my Uterus, so she could put these two in the exact same spot!  I do have scar tissue from having my septum removed AND from C-section so I am praying these two find the perfect cozy location.

After transfer I was wheeled back into recovery, where I had my second session of Acupuncture and I listened to another meditation.  This time I was so relaxed I fell asleep!

Lucky socks!

After I woke up, I had to pee!  She wheeled me in a wheel chair to the bathroom, then wheeled me out to meet C who was getting the truck.  I had my legs up and was reclined for the drive home.  Once home, I heated up lunch in the toaster oven, and laid in bed... and fell asleep until 4pm! I tried to get my boys to go to the park while I rested, but they insisted on taking a nap too!  We all slept until 4!

1dp5dt- today I'm sticking to couch rest.  I'm lounging, still in my pjs, drinking water, and trying to pass the time.  I'm going to try real hard not to symptom spot OR POAS this cycle.  We'll see because I can usually tell if its going to be a neg.  Today I am a little crampy, just mild AF type.  I'm shocked my bb's are NOT sore at all.  Last July when I did PIO for the first time, my bb's were sore on transfer day!  Every time is a little different apparently.

Beta day is on October 31!  I'm going to be staying busy busy busy until then!

This was a long post so if you read it all... YOU ROCK!  Please con't to pray for my little embabies!  THANK YOU!!!! xoxo

We Are Almost READY... FET!

After a wonderful CHRISTmas and New Years in Mexico, I'm back on!

We visited Dr. R for a follow up yesterday and to go over what to expect for FET.  He talked about our FIVE embryo's and  we decided which one to transfer first, which we are going to transfer the AA expanded day five blast.  We also have an AB expanded day five blast, and the rest are day six blasts.

He said our first two have about a 50% chance of making a baby, then the rest start declining to 40%, 30%, and 20%, based off of their quality.  We have a good shot here, with 28 non-fertilized eggs on ice!

Yesterday I was CD24.  Dr. R checked my ovaries to see if they were healed and where I was in my cycle, since I am irregular.  My right ovary was completely healed and my left was about 90%.  I am no where near O, which I believe is because they were so destroyed last month with all the eggs!

He started me on Provera to get my period started, other wise we would be about a couple months away from transfer!  Dang PCOS! Two pills down, eight to go!

In the mean time, I'm working out again after a month and a half off from IVF.  I'm pumped to get back in shape... running, Barre, and P90x3!  Also, clean eating all the way!  I want to be in great shape and health when we do this transfer! :)

Happy NewYear!  And this is also my 300th post! Crazy!

Lots of updates!

Yikes!  Where does the time go?  So so much has been happening!  Rocco and Maximus are turning 9 months tomorrow! Can you believe it!?  It truly is unbelievable how fast it does go!  Those first three months feel like an eternity with the lack of sleep learning how to be a mother, learning your babies needs and wants then BAM you get it down and they are NINE MONTHS OLD!  Oh how I love them!

My babies are so much fun!  I love my life with them!  Each day they make me smile, each day they make me laugh... of course we have challenging moments, but I wouldn't change a thing!  I am truly BLESSED beyond words with the sweetest most lovable little boys a Mommy could ask for!

Rocco is crawling like crazy, since 7 months, and honestly I think he is going to walk soon.  C started walking when he was 9 months... I'm scared.  This week Rocco learned to pull himself up in his crib, I walked into this in the morning...

Look how proud he is of himself!  Then, with in two more days, he has learned to  pull himself up on just about everything he can grasp, including our back door, he has also climbed up a step from the living room to the foyer.  Thankfully, he is the only one doing this...

Maximus army crawls EVERYWHERE.  I'm not really sure if he will actually crawl, since he is so efficient at army crawling.  He can keep up with Rocco and go from room to room.  He sits up very well but cannot sit-up on his own or go back to to crawl from sitting.  He is in no hurry and neither am I!  Maximus is VERY busy, high energy, so I know that he won't be walking, he'll be RUNNING! Ha!
He is definitely my lil comedian and is so funny!  I have never met a baby like him.

Last week, we FINALLY went back to the RE and the boys got to meet all the nurses, Dr. R, and the Embryologist!  It was SUCH an awesome day!  I brought them a little thank you...

We actually had to go to both offices to see everyone.  I got a little teary going back there and seeing the nurses who were so supportive throughout our IVF process.  It is something that I can NEVER forget!  Going back just reminded me of how far we have come and how emotional the process was.  Anyways, Dr. R got to hold the babies which was so neat to see since he got to hold them as embryos!  I am so mad because I forgot to get a photo :-/  I was so caught up in the moment.  However, I went to go see Kristine, the embryologist, who told me at the transfer, "you have to bring these babies back to see me after you have them, we NEVER see this happen!"  Which I elaborate on HERE, in a previous post from our IVF cycle.  

Kristine had been following our story through the computer, since they update to make sure there was a live birth.  She remembered us IMMEDIATELY and was SO happy to meet the little miracles she helped create.  One thing she said, which surprised me is that we are their MOST SUCCESSFUL case EVER of rescue ICSI because we got twins and that we only had a 2% chance of it working to get ONE BABY, let alone TWINS! What little miracles I have here!!!  She wanted me to take a picture of the three of them so here they are...

It was such an awesome day!  The boys also did so good... I am one PROUD mama!!

Sunday, the boys are getting dedicated to the Lord in church and we are having a celebration lunch back at our new home (which we are LOVING!).  All is good here and we are all just so blessed :)

Tonights the night...

to trigger!  I'm gonna be "trigger happy" tonight! LOL.  I gotta get these suckers out!  I am so uncomfortable.  Not necessarily bloated, but I can definately a LOT of pressure in there.  I am also peeing more often with less pee.  My ovaries are sitting on my bladder :-P

Bad news... I have to work up the courage to give myself the shot in the butt MYSELF tonight at EXACTLY 10:30.  I cannot mess around.  I have always said "I work better under pressure" so it works in this circumstance too "I shoot better under pressure."  Wish me luck!

Good news... I don't have to do the progesterone shots!!!  I told the nurse that C can't give them to me because of his fear of needles.  She called Dr. R and he gave the okay for the suppositories! YAY!  I was so scared of those things!  I do have to insert one vaginally 3/day and they are messy, but its so worth it to me!

The lab is in another office in Redondo Beach (literally across the street from my old work at the high school).  Because we live about an hour away with LA traffic, we are getting a hotel down there so we don't have to rush and deal with the traffic at 7am.  Plus C cannot (will not) produce the sample in the office, he has to do it in the comfort of "his own home" (and with the help of his wife!).  He is all embarrassed about it for whatever reason. 

We are scheduled for 830.  I probably won't post tomorrow, but please keep us in your prayers!

Its getting crowded...

in my ovaries!  Since yesterday, I have been progressively getting more uncomfortable.  I feel pressure in my pelvic area and I'm worried because ER isn't going to be til NEXT WEEK!  I know its only going to get worse.  I'm also VERY worried about OHSS, especially since I was so uncomfortable after my last IUI's and I O'd only SIX eggs (which was very dangerous for IUI!). 

My blood work Tuesday showed an increase in estrogen and then I had a follow up appt yesterday.  All of my lil follicles measured 10-11mm which was good, but when I asked how many... he responded 20 + (yikes)!!  He is HOPING that we get about 12 good eggs  instead of 20 okay ones.  BUT, I have so many already growing!  I thought that they would also lower my dose, but nope, I'm still taking 225 iu's of Gonal F.  My estrogen level is just slowing plugging along.  It was at 350 yesterday.

On a good note, I spent the week at my parents since C was in Dallas.  I had such a good time.  My mom and I made ginger bread cookies and decorated them.  They are yummy!  I also got ALL of my xmas shopping done.  Since the next couple weeks are going to be filled with IVF appointments and I am not sure how I'm going to be feeling after ER, I had to get it done.

(Its my Oliver cookie!)

When I picked C up from the airport, there was almost no space in the back of my car (with the seats down) for his suitcase!  Its full of presents! 

I'm not sure about the side effects of all this medication, but I have been having really bad headaches on and off this week, also I've been seriously tired, and I ate so many carbs at my parents (its carb heaven over there!).  But, its either the meds OR I'm STILL detoxing from caffeine but I haven't drank any coffee in weeks only ice OCCASIONALLY, I'm tired from all the xmas shopping (?), and I may have ate so many carbs because its comfort food and I ate emotionally since I was "home."  Not sure?  I do feel bloated, but I think that is from all the food.  When I got home today, I slept for 3 hours.  It was nice. 

Oh... my mom never found out about the meds, but I do suspect she thinks we are doing some kind of IF treatment since I had to leave for a Dr appt.  And on Wed. I had to drive ALL the way home because I forgot "something" at home that was mucho importante (my Lupron, but I couldn't tell her!)!  That wasn't fun, its an hour drive each way.

I have another appt in the morning!  Will post my stats tomorrow :)

It started...

today... my IVF cycle that is!  I am excited to say I got my first Lupron shot!  I went in this morning for what I thought was going to be just a basic ultrasound, but then was told I was doing my trial transfer.  I was a little surprised to say the least... didn't know what to expect!  I didn't see Dr R today, it was Dr. C.  It was my first time with her and she is amazing!  She is one of the sweetest Dr.'s I've met!  Anyways, we were talking the whole time and before I knew it, it was over.  If you have ever had an IUI done it feels the same way.  You uterus cramps just slightly as they insert the measuring device.  They do this also to make sure your cervix isn't difficult to find or maneuver.  Luckily, she had no problem finding mine.

After that was over, I went over and met with a nurse so she could show me how to do the Lupron shots.  She was going to do the first one for me, but I decided to do it myself.  I am pretty brave, now that I've done three cycles of Follistim.  Giving myself a shot is a piece of cake!  Although if I have to do those progesterone shots I WILL BE SCARED!  Those needles are thick and I've read that they hurt! 

My next appointment is December 3.  I go in for a ultrasound and to get the rest of my meds.  I believe I'm just doing Follistim to start, but I can be mistaken.  I am praying that's all.  I feel comfortable with that one, the needles are so small and don't hurt a bit.  Its just getting past the whole fear of actually sticking yourself.  Once you do it your good to go!

After the doctors, I literally baked all day!  It was so much fun!  I turned on the Christmas music, put on an apron, and became domesticated.  I made the pumpkin cinnamon rolls (literally just took them out of the oven!) and they look AMAZING, pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting (for the kids)(I was in the baking mood and added that one to the list), and the cranberry sauce.  Tomorrow all I need to do now is make the brussel sprouts and artichoke dip, which I forgot to add to the recipes yesterday!  Its amazing  here it is...

1 c. mayo
1 c. Parmesan
2 14 oz cans artichoke hearts, chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
2 4 oz cans Chile's
1 4oz can jalapenos

mix together and bake at 350 until its golden on top, about 20 - 25 min.  Enjoy with tortilla or pita chips!

Its always a hit!  Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!

With a Fork in the Road...

Lots of prayer...and another talk with Dr. R and we have THE plan.  C and I just cannot imagine going through ANOTHER surgery again.  The whole process is long and, of course, painful.  IVF would have been pushed back most likely until February.  No, its not that far away but, then again, it is in IF world.  We remembered what Dr. R stated from our very first appointment with him, "I never would have taken the septum out."  I know this is very controversial between doctors.  Dr. D obviously would have felt it was necessary and wanted a THIRD surgery.  Dr. R feels (and research shows) that septum's DO NOT cause infertility, they only can potentially cause miscarriages. And yes, that is entirely scary for me too!  That is why this decision was so extremely difficult.  However, I have never been pregnant, therefore, I am not sure it will be a problem.  I guess this will be another thing to put into God's hands.  If IVF does work and I do get pregnant, I will be more scared and cautious but, then again, I feel like I would be anyways, given our history.  So, I am cautiously optimistic.

I am excited that we are going forward with IVF.  I am praying I make a lot of good quality eggs and together, grade A embryo's.  Again, its in God's hands.  If, God forbid, we do miscarry and its the cause if the septum, we will remove it asap and then do a FET (frozen embryo transfer), given that we have some.

Here is our updated IVF schedule:

November 24- Start Lupron
November 25- HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!
December 4- Start Stims (yay Follistim!)
Week of December 13- Egg retrieval (ER)!
December 18-19?- Embryo Transfer (ET)!!
December 31- BETA and hopefully a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

obviously, these are estimations as far as the ER, ET and BETA, but that is my holiday schedule!  I have a good feeling its going to just fly. 

We are already booked as far as Christmas parties are concerned.  December 2 is C's office party which I put together.  We are taking a yacht in the Newport Beach harbor and having dinner.  The boat will be decked out with holiday decor' and there should be a lot of houses and boats decorated too!  I'm super excited about it!  Should be really fun. December 4 is a friends birthday party, December 12 is C's family Christmas party and my friends baby shower, December 18 is my family annual Fondue party (which I am most likely going to have "call in sick" to), December 19 is C's manager party (which I am most likely going to have "call in sick" to), then its Christmas eve and Christmas. 

I love love the holidays and all that they represent.  I love coming together with family and friends. It is definitely my favorite time of the year.

I am pretty...

devastated.  I just came home from my office hysteroscopy.  Thank God C came with me or I would have seriously been a wreck.  Usually I go into these and they are a piece of cake.  Usually take about five minutes.  This one took a lot longer.  It is very uncomfortable sitting there spread eagle and having a doctor dilate your cervix (ouch!).    C was a trooper and his hand is probably a bit sore from me squeezing it so hard.  Dr. R is very thorough so thank goodness for that!  When he first went in he thought every thing looked great, as did we.  Then he moved the camera over to the other "horn" and there is was... that dang septum is back for the THIRD time!  Two canals again. 

After he was done I just laid there, fighting back the tears.  What else could I do?  Dr. R stated our options and it is up to us what to do.  We can either have it removed for the third time, or go ahead with IVF and only implant one embryo.  How do we decide that?  He wouldn't give us an opinion either way.  I just broke down in tears at this point.  I don't know what to do???

C doesn't feel like he can go through another surgery.  Neither do I.  I have never even been pregnant so we aren't sure it would even cause that big of a problem.  LUCKILY, we remembered what Dr. R said from our first meeting, "I never would have removed the septum in the first place unless it caused a problem (aka miscarriage)."  Do we wait to see if we can get pregnant and potentially miscarry? Or do we do a cycle hope to get some really good embies, if we miscarry, have the surgery and then do a FET (God willing)?  UGH!!!!  I am pretty much devastated that we have to make this decision, AGAIN.

Feedback wanted please!  Thanks!

The Plan...

is all set!  I went in to see Dr. R yesterday with C.  We dropped off the manly goods, then got the blood work done and out of the way.  C went first this time which I think was much better.   I had to run to the restroom really fast and when I got back, his face and lips were WHITE, and she hadn't even begun!  Thanks to the wonderful advice we received, I held his hand and began asking him about his work and what he needed to do today.  Distraction worked GREAT!  He even commented how good it was to be distracted and before he knew it it was over.  After I did my blood work, I went in to have the ultrasound done and waited.  Finally the nurse came in and let me know the news... I have to wait a month!  I guess the lab is down the last week of November and first week of December for cleaning.  I would have had to have my retrieval/transfer during that time.  I guess being on BCP's too long is not good for an IVF cycle either.  The way I look at it is I get the fresh and clean lab for our cycle... we'll be one of the first!

She took me in another room and took out a calendar and wrote down my new guesstimated IVF schedule...
                              -October 27- Start BCP's
                              -November 16th- last pill
                              -Novemeber 21- Start new pack of BCP's
                              -December 1- Start Lupron injections
                              -December 5-last BCP
                              -December 11- Start stims
                              -December 20-22 - Estimated Retrieval
                              -December 25-28- Estimated Transfer (yes Christmas Day included!)

Its really only two weeks later then we anticipated before.  I'm sure its going to fly by!

Once I got home, I was thinking about being on BCP's an extra month for nothing.  So, I thought, why not do clomid?  I even called to ask if it was okay.  As soon as I got off the phone I got a sick feeling, like that is the wrong decision.  I almost blogged about should I or shouldn't I do clomid this cycle?  But, I listened to my gut.  I am not doing it because I feel like it would be a waste.  I hated how 50 mg of clomid made me feel and doing a 100mg I'm sure would make me feel worse.  I didn't get all emotional and crazy on it, but I could feel my ovaries and I felt like they were going to explode sometimes.  I never felt that way with follistim.  Weird.  Anyways, also I just feel like C and I are on the right path again.  The decision of IVF just FEELS right. 

I started BCP's yesterday and I am excited, actually, to not have to think about again for a bit.  We get another little break... even though we have a lot of these lately!

I just came home from bible study and this weeks discussion was about being humble and how we are called to do so.  The major thing that resonated with me on this was that trying to do this IF on my own.  I have not been humble towards God in the past because I was trying to figure it all out on my own.  Basically, it was like I didn't NEED Him.  That is a major thing God has been working on me this past year.  Humbling myself to ask Him for strength, guidance, healing, His will, etc.  When we were going through IF treatments last year I relied too much on my doctor, too much on the Internet for answers, when I SHOULD have relied on God.  I left him out of the equation which only left me alone and depressed. 

This time... I have put God first in everything, this is the first time I really feel like we waited and God answered.  We didn't just JUMP into IVF we were led there (not saying its going to work the first time or ever).  I'm not sure what God is going to do here, there are a lot of possibilities and I know it may not work.  Part of going through this process may be for God to show us another avenue He wants us to take, or it may be to give us the child of our dreams.  The ONE thing I do know for sure is that I NEVER want to leave God out of the equation of my life again!

She's HERE...

Yes the infamous AF FINALLY arrive.  After 10 days on Provera and 7 days waiting, I am thrilled to say I have bad cramps!  I was able to call Dr. R's office this morning to share my good news. 

C and I are both going to go in on Wednesday.  I have to go for what I believe is an u/s and to get bcp's.  C is going to give his manly goods which, I guess, they will culture (required for IVF) and do the standard checks... #'s, motility, morphology, etc.  and we both have to get blood work.  C is devastated about the blood work.  He is so scared of needles and almost passed out last time!  I however, am a pro!  I have had so many shots in my life its crazy!  When I was a kid I had to have allergy shots twice a week in each arm for asthma , I also used to give blood (I'm B+ a more rare blood) until I started these IF treatments and became anemic (which I'm not anymore), and of course all of the Follistim shots in the tummy with tons of blood work.  I seriously feel like a human pin cushion, which I'm sure many of you relate! 

So I was doing some research on IVF yesterday and was trying to figure out the time line.  I was wondering how long on BCP's, Lupron, etc.  Normally, you have to be on BCP's for two weeks.  I was able to go over the potential schedule with the nurse the morning.  Unfortunately, I will be on BCP's an extra week because their lab is going to be down for a week (I'm assuming for Thanksgiving?) so everything is going to be pushed back a week or so.  But she said my retrieval will be around the 9th or 10th of Dec with the transfer around the 12th or 13th (I think).  I will know more on Wednesday.  Does that mean that is would be a 3day transfer?  What is better a 3 or 5 day transfer?

Can't wait to find out ALL of the details!!!

I think we hit the JACKPOT...

in insurance!!  I am so excited!  Because we had a change in status (me quitting my job), and C and I were both insured through the school district, we were able to go to his company insurance before Open Enrollment.  I did a lot of research prior to choosing, but did not know exactly what would be covered for IF entirely.  We chose United Health's POS plan (HIGHLY recommend!).  I hadn't heard of a POS plan prior to his company offering it.  I thought there was HMO and PPO and that's it.  Well, We chose the POS plan which is only little more per month than the PPO.  We get to choose our doctors (NO MORE REFERRALS... THANK YOU GOD!), choose our hospitals, and 90% of everything is covered with the exception of IF treatments.  For IF, EVERYTHING IS COVERED... INCLUDING IVF!!!  I got a call from Dr. R's office stating our benefits and I could not believe it!!!

I truly feel that God has been leading us to this point.  It is amazing!  Last year I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life... to quit my career as a high school teacher (after months of prayer and seeking Gods provisions for C and I).  That alone has been a blessing to us.  Secondly, I felt an urgency (led from the Holy Spirit) to get our medical records from Dr. D and found C's semen analysis which was far from stellar and made us reconsider who our RE should be. Thirdly, I found Dr. R, but because our current HMO insurance didn't include him, we decided to go with the POS.  I was originally going to just switch medical groups but then that would have been a hassle because I didn't like the hospitals they were associated with.  My dream is to have our bambini (babies in Italiano) at Hoag Hospital which overlooks Newport Beach Harbor.  I want a room with the Ocean view (jk... not really! LOL!)!  Plus the hospital is amazing and has a great track record with phenomenal doctors.  I would feel very safe delivering there :) Fourthly, in the last two weeks we have had three people to tell us to do IVF.  A couple of our friends who have two girls, a woman at church who I had shared briefly my story, and then the other night one of my girlfriends who's sister has pcos and went through everything (almost) that we have and finally got her daughter via IVF.  I told her Dr. R wanted to do a couple of clomid cycles before doing IVF and she said "my sister would tell you to just do the IVF, its too emotional going through clomid if it hasn't been working already."  And Fifthly,  I haven't drank any Alcohol in over 10 weeks.  This was totally Gods leading.  I have been prepping for this moment and I didn't even realize it.

So, C and I were talking last night and we made a decision... we are doing IVF next cycle!!!  But shhhh... its a secret!  We aren't telling anyone... not even my mom!  It is going to be very difficult, but we feel that with all that we have been through, we want to do this together and then share the good news when it comes.  We don't want to get anyone's hopes up anymore.  It has been 28 months since we began this journey together, with so many ups and downs.  We have shared the process with so many friends and relatives that we are ready for it to be just us two.    Sharing didn't get us anywhere.  It has been a long hard road which I never thought would end with IVF, but here we are.  We are ready.

I am still waiting for my period.  I am CD 45 and 6 days post Provera.  I am now glad that it has taken a while to my period (everything happens for a reason in Gods planning).  When we got home last night, I emailed Dr. R...

Hi Dr. R!

We are STILL waiting for my period over here.  I'm cycle day 44 and 5 days post provera.  Anyways, C and I were talking.  We are now thinking we just want to do the IVF.  Its been 28 months since we started ttc and we are tired of waiting... Plus we have full coverage on our new insurance (united health POS plan!).  Can we do that this up coming cycle or is it pushing it?

I still want to have a look at the inside of my uterus (sonohysterogram?) to make sure all is okay and have C's second semen analysis, which I'm going to schedule this week. 

Not sure when my period is going to start, but I would love to do IVF!  We are ready!

Thanks, S

I didn't think I would get a response til Monday, but I woke up to this from him...

"S

Your cycle should start within the next few days. If it doesn't, please let know. Beforehand, we need the semen analysis and we will so the sonohysterogram while you're on birth control pills (BCPs), which is the first med you'll take. Call us when you cycle starts. We'll see you on or before day 3 of your cycle. If everything isn't perfect, we won't do IVF.

Dr. R"

C and I are SUPER excited and trust him completely.  I know this is the right decision I can feel it in my heart!  

3rd opinion...

went much better!  I went to Reproductive Partners because I have heard SUCH great things.  I had to change medical groups to see this Doctor, but in LA magazine he was rated "top doctor!"  They have offices in Beverly Hills, Redondo Beach, Westminister, and La Jolla.  C and I met with Dr. Rosen.  He is AMAZING!  He is so honest, kind, and very thorough.  He really educated us on our past experiences, present and what our future options are.  C and I both had really good vibes from him and we both feel like we can trust him with our TTC future :-)  He walked us through our options... IVF or starting over with Clomid.  He said we should have started with that from the beginning.  Not sure why we were pushed to injections/IUI.  Because of our ages... 29 and 31, he feels that we should not necesarily rush to IVF.  This is why I don't trust all RE's!  Sometimes I feel like they push that because it makes the most $$.  I am really glad we went to see Dr. Rosen.

He didn't push one way or another, it was up to us to decide.  We both felt that we should start with a "clean slate" with Dr. R.  IVF is so final. We are only going to do two to three cycles of clomid and thats it... give it one last chance.  The good news is that I feel very good about this change, not stressed about clomid not working, it is also less invasive than injectables and less time consuming (less dr visits, bloodwork, etc.).  I am not necessarily hopeful it will work, but I am open to it :)

As for C's seman analysis...Dr R really wasn't that concerned because he had SUCH high numbers and motility, which is a relief!  He does want him to start taking vitamins and fish oil (everyone should!) and he wants to do another S/A.  We are also going to do a postcoital test,
which "checks a woman's cervical mucus after sex to see whether sperm are present and moving normally. This test may be used if a woman is not able to become pregnant (infertility) and other tests have not found a cause."  Dr. D never did that, he just pushed IUI.

Once we decided on our next plan of action I emailed Dr. R and recieved this in response...

"Sara - If you want to start this cycle, we could start you tomorrow, day 6 of your cycle (starting day 3-6 is equally good but we try to start everyone on day 5) or we can wait til next cycle.

If you want to start this cycle, please call our Westminster office, 714-702-3000, and set it up.  I will forward this to both the front office staff and the MD on call that day, Dr. Cassidenti.

Your chart is in Redondo but the computer has all my notes.

Let me know and good luck (PLUS: great decision)

Dr. Rosen"

This made me feel VERY good.  I feel like we made the right decision.  IVF may still be in our future, but at least now we have a fresh start, with a new plan, and a great new RE.  I am looking forward to it!

We decided to take another month off.  I didn't want to rush into anything and feel the pressure that comes with IF treatments.  I want to be in a good place.  Plus I needed to get my medical all lined up, switch groups, get referral, etc., otherwise we would be paying out of pocket... not fun!

Met with a new RE...

today.  It went well.  She took one look at the SA and said "this is a problem."  However, she was shocked that a second SA wasn't done.  All over my papers all that was stated was "pcos/uterine sepum," not "male factor," which means it was completely over looked.  Dr. A also stated that the majority of the time when it comes to IVF, both partners have the problem, not just one.  I carried this burden all last year and up until this point.   I went through 7 months of acupuncture every week, cut coffee, alcohol, slowed my exercise, battled with depression, etc.  I don't even care about the loss in thousands of dollars, but the emotional toll it took on me.  Horrible!

She wants C to do another SA, of course, but it will be very extensive.  She will culture it to make sure there isn't an infection, recheck the morphology, etc.  One thing really cool about this office is that they have an open lab.  She would want C to come and watch and see his lil swimmers on the screen.  I think thats pretty cool.  She said the person who runs the lab is someone with a Phd., not a tech or something.  They have had no mix ups here because of the individualized attention they give each patient.  She was pretty appauled at the lack of further testing Dr. D's office did on both of us.

If we go through the IVF process she would suggest ICSI, if his SA came back with the same result.  Good news is that sperm change month to month and she has some good suggestions for him...

• "Take a multivitamin. A daily multivitamin can help provide selenium, zinc and folic acid — trace nutrients that are important for optimal sperm production and function.
• Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. These foods are rich in antioxidants, which may help improve sperm health.
• Reduce stress. Stress might interfere with certain hormones needed to produce sperm. Stress can also decrease sexual function.
• Get regular exercise. Physical activity is good for reproductive health as well as your overall health. But don't overdo it. Men who exercise to exhaustion show a temporary change in hormone levels and a drop in sperm quality.
• Watch your weight. Too much or too little body fat may disrupt production of reproductive hormones, which can reduce your sperm count and increase your percentage of abnormal sperm. You're most likely to produce lots of high-quality sperm if you maintain a healthy weight.

• Watch out for toxins. Experts think certain workplace and household substances might have an effect on sperm quantity and quality. These include heavy metals used in industrial workplaces, pesticides and chemicals in solvents. Use protective clothing, proper ventilation and face masks to reduce the risk of absorbing such toxins.
• Quit using tobacco. The sperm of men who smoke may be misshapen and may move more slowly than those of nonsmokers. Smoking can also damage your sperm's DNA. Experts suspect such damage could even affect a baby's growth and development and increase a child's chance of having certain health problems, including cancer. And chewing tobacco isn't safe either — it also may cause low sperm counts and damage. As if that weren't enough, tobacco use can increase erectile dysfunction. Research shows men who both smoke and drink alcohol have lower sperm counts and motility than do men with either habit alone.
• Limit alcohol. Heavy drinking may reduce the quality and quantity of sperm. Limit alcohol to no more than one or two drinks a day. The combination of tobacco and alcohol is particularly harmful.
• Steer clear of illicit drugs. Marijuana can decrease sperm density and motility and increase the number of abnormal sperm. Cocaine and opiates can contribute to erectile dysfunction, and amphetamines can decrease sex drive.
• Skip the tub. To maximize the quality and quantity of your sperm, avoid hot tubs and baths. Spending more than 30 minutes in water 102 F (40 C) or above may lower your sperm count. Saunas and steam rooms may have a similar effect.
• Avoid hormone havoc. Anabolic steroids, usually taken illegally, can shrink the testicles and drastically reduce fertility. Anti-androgens used to treat prostate enlargement and cancer interfere with sperm production. Testosterone supplements also decrease fertility.
• Stay cool. Increased scrotal temperature can hurt sperm production. Experts know that hot work environments, tight underpants, prolonged sitting and use of laptop computers can all increase scrotal temperature. They are still studying how these activities affect fertility." (sited from the MayoClinic).

We'll see... I have another appointment on Tuesday with one more!  I have already spoken with him on the phone and he is SUPER nice!!