Still pregnant... 5 weeks 4 days!

It is a miracle really.  I can't believe I'm sitting here, sore boobs, growing swollen belly (all baby bloat!) that doesn't go down, hungry as ever with cravings... still pregnant.

This coming Monday is our first ultrasound.  I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't terrified, because I am.  Although all my symptoms do give me comfort, the 'what if's' do pop in my head now and again.

I am still telling myself what I felt like God was saying to me... Trust me anyway!  I think that is going to be my motto for the entire pregnancy, God willing we make it!

Since my last BETA, I ran out of tests.  And I haven't picked up anymore.  I thought for sure I would still be testing, but I do rest in how i'm feeling.

Starting around four weeks and a day, my appetite began to increase a bit and I started craving more red meat.  Since I'm allergic to eggs (miracle in my health and why I think I'm still pregnant!), I've been eating meat for breakfast!  Sweet foods are just not filling me up!  No more protein shakes and greens, yuck!  Here is my breakfast today...

Meatballs, marinara and a side of pickled spicy vegetables!

Mothers day we drove up to Santa Barbara for a mini vacation.  C had to work, but the boys and I tagged along.  It was beautiful!  We had a great time.  

SB is like foodie heaven!  There are so many great organic/gluten free restaurants to choose from.  These pics are on the pier and we went to the little aquarium.  Its super cute... almost as cute as my boys!  (Maximus on left, Rocco on right)

The crazy thing about being on prednisone, is that it is supposed to mask morning sickness and fatigue.  I do get a little tired at times, but honestly I am doing pretty good!  I was also waiting to gain a ton of weight, and I've LOST weight (now maintaining).  Everywhere I read is that you get "moon face" from it.  So far so good in that dept.

I made a "FAITH PURCHASE" I couldn't help myself! We walked into the cutest toy/baby store down town. I thought "what the heck.." I am buying this in faith, believing this is going to be our take home rainbow baby. And, I just received my lab reports from my immunologist. Everything is looking GREAT, and he only wants me doing one day of IVIG this month! Praise God! (Before transfer I did 2 days back to back.) and that will save us 2k! 

I have hope! And BTW, my kids know. We talk about everything. They know about my losses. I am very open with them (on their level of course). But Maximus said today, "Mommy, God told me you are having a boy and this baby isn't going to die." I never told them the gender. Oohhhh Lord, I pray this is our Rainbow 

Organic 

I went and did my one day of IVIG today... $2,200 later :(  But, anything for my growing bun!  Its working so of course

we have to!

I will leave you with a belly shot... its not pretty!  This is a heparin tummy...

I already have a pooch! Although not sure if you can tell here!

I took this one at five weeks exactly...

Please continue to pray for us.  I'm praying every time I think of it, Lord, please protect this little life <3 p="">

The Test of Faith Through Infertility

I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.

Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.

In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.

Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!

I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️

A wish upon a puff...

We all know what you do when you blow on a dandelion puff... make a wish!  My boys love to blow these and make wishes.  I've taught them however, that thesewishes are like prayers to heaven, so that they always know who is listening.  A few days ago, Rocco wished upon a puff and said, "I wish for a baby in Mommy's tummy,"  I really pray these little "prayer wishes" make it to heaven and get answered!  It made me tear up a little when he said that so I wanted to document it here!  :)

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

And then there was one... IVF #3

Sorry for the delay, I've been processing all that happened!

After our amazing 100% fertilization report, it all went south.  Saturday I got a call, not from the lab, but from Dr. Amin.  From my previous experience, I knew this wasn't good.   Apparently on day five we had ZERO embryo's good enough to biopsy, but three that could potentially make it on day six.

My heart broke. Again.

On one hand I am SO glad we used all of our eggs, on the other hand, why does this keep happening!?

Dr. Amin called Sunday, and she let know that we had ONE 5AA (I've never had a 5AA!), and that was all.  Ironically, I had been praying for (at least) ONE (normal) 5AA all week!  I even had it written in my kitchen so I would remember to pray about it when I saw it!  See...

We had to make a decision to test or not to test, to do another cycle to get more to test, or just transfer it.  I really wish my cycle was aligned because I would have just had them put it right in!

I talked to C about it.  He just wants to transfer it.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm excited.  I'm scared to death!  The thought of going through this again, not knowing if its even normal and we could miscarry... again... terrify's me.  But, we are going to transfer it next cycle, say a prayer and  cross our fingers.

All we were praying for was one healthy baby from this.  Could this be THE ONE!?!?

3dp5dt FET#4

The last couple days were a breeze... today, hormonal mess!  I feel ultra sensitive, ultra tired, bloated and I have an on again off again headache that I woke up with.  I know it is all related to all the wonderful hormones I am on, but it sure makes it extremely hard not to think... what if?

I know it is WAY too early for any REAL pregnancy symptoms, but feeling like this makes me have POAS on my mind! Do you think I can hold out?  I have one FRER upstairs.  I should just go use it, to get it out of the house!  WHY OH WHY is the 2WW so hard!?

You really forget how difficult it is, until those P4 symptoms kick into high gear!

I've been pretty crampy since 1dpt, but I will list yesterdays...

• 2dp6dt- cramps, twinges, EXHAUSTED by 3pm (I couldn't finish putting away the groceries I had to lay down!), not a huge appetite.

• 3dp5dt- woke up with a dull headache and its been coming and going today, cramps still, maybe my bb's are getting sore (?), emotional, really tired all day, not a big appetite.

One thing I forgot to mention prior to transfer...  So a week prior to transfer I had been reading about assisted hatching and noticed on all the sites that it mentioned that the steroid, Medrol is necessary to take so your body doesn't reject the embryos and have an inflammatory response. Well, once I realized that, I immediately called my RE's office to speak to a nurse.  Only Barbara was available and she is not my favorite.  She always seems to make me feel like I'm asking too many questions.  Anyway, she said that they no longer use Medrol because new studies have shown it doesn't help either way.

That was not good enough for me!

I emailed Dr. A. and she said that it was true that they didn't normally give Medrol anymore, but looking back at my twins cycle, I WAS ON MEDROL!!!! Can you believe that!?  She said it would be up to me if I wanted it again.  I replied, "absolutely since that was my one cycle that worked!"

I can't help but wonder if that was my missing link for the last three cycles!  So LAME!

This journey can be so frustrating!

I started the Medrol Sunday and finished yesterday.  I had to take 4 pills a day for 4 days.

This morning I also woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach too!  I realized that Assisted Hatching, AH, was not mentioned at transfer and it wasn't on my embryo report.  I have been on the phone with my RE, and no one has an answer for me!  Apparently they are short handed in the lab and the embryologies haven't gotten back!  I just want to confirm it was done... for peace of mind, I guess!

I told C about my fears that AH wasn't preformed.  His reply, "Gods bigger than assisted hatching!" Duh!  He is so confident this is going to work this time!  I love it!  I really need some verses to rebuke doubt right now!  I think I will google some...

Wow!  For those of you who need a kick in the pants on FAITH, read Hebrews 11.  So good!

Today Is The Day! FET #4

I woke up at 4AM to pee... and I've been up since then!  I cannot keep calm!  I tossed and turned and decided to get up, have a cup of tea, and spend time with the Lord.  I've prayed more and prayed harder for these two embryos, just like I did when we conceived the twins.  Gods got this!

Today is going to be a good day!

Its Frozen Embryo Transfer Day!

Please pray our last two embryos thaw perfectly and begin to expand!  Please pray the transfer goes perfectly and our embryos make it to their 'home.'  Please pray they burrow deep and that God breaths life into them!

Thank you so much!

Less than One Week To Go! FET #4

I can't believe we are finally on the countdown to transfer! It is here and it's getting real folks! We are both excited, ready, anxious... I don't want to say scared, scared isn't the right word, I'm at peace that this is our last and final, but I'm nervous about what is to be. What is the answer going to be?

It has been interesting over here. A lot has been happening which has me to believe God has and is truly at work in our lives right now. A ton of prayers have been getting answered, like a ton!  So much has been on my heart and it feels like God has been using this time get my "ducks in a row, " so to speak.  Its weird and I almost can't even explain it!  Here are some examples...

*After years of praying for him, my husband is getting baptized!  He has been totally growing spiritually this year, and I have to believe it is because of what we have been going through that he is ready to fully commit his life to God.

*I am getting re-baptized.  I was baptized when I was 12 in a Seventh Day Adventist church. I chose to be baptized, but I had no relationship with Jesus.  I did it because my friends were and I thought I should.  Soon after I stopped going to church, questioned if there was a God, and became a stoner/Hippy during High School.  I became a born again Christian at 22.  I really wanted to get rebaptized then, but was told I "didn't need" to because I already was baptized at 12.  Well, I really feel God put that on my heart then, and I should have listened.  I have questioned it since!  I am SO excited to be getting baptized again... and with my husband! God is so good!

*A few weeks ago I met this really nice old lady who just moved into a senior center.  She mentioned that her kids/grandkids won't come and visit her.  God laid it on my heart!  So when I was leaving I ran into her in the parking lot and asked if the boys and I could come visit her, she said yes.  It had been a few weeks and I kept trying to go, but one of us kept getting sick!  Its been hanging over my shoulder.  Monday, we did it!  I made some paleo pumpkin muffins and brought them to her with fall flowers.  It was very nice visit and it felt so good serving.  She wants us to come back and make Italian cookies!  Yes please!

*For the last few years my relationship with my brothers has been almost non existent, even though we used to be extremely close.  The only way we would ever take or hangout is if I called, etc.  I have been so hurt by it and had been telling my parents that I was over them!  I felt that they just didn't care about me.  Well, just last Sunday, we decided to head up to my parents on a whim.  My brother came in storming mad at me because we didn't call him and tell him we were at my parents (we live an hour away!).  I was shocked and didn't know how to respond at first.  Long story short, we cleared up the relationship, I am relieved to know my brother loves me.  I called my other brother that night too and made plans to hang out!  God is good!

*This is maybe not as serious, but I truly feel this is a miracle.  My sons have Micky Mouse dolls that we take each trip to Disneyland every time we go.  They got them their very first time there and are very attached.  Last week Maximus lost his at Disneyland.  We didn't know if it was on a ride, or if it fell off the stroller?  As soon as we realized it was gone, the boys and I prayed!  We prayed that the right person would find it.  We went to Lost and Found gave the description and hoped for the best.  I got a call Monday that they found Maximus' Mickey Mouse!  I was shocked and in awe at what an amazing God we have!

Here is a pic of us on the way that day...

The benefit of bringing Mickey every time is the boys don't feel the need for something new all the time!  The appreciate what they have.  They are mailing the other Mickey and it should be here any time.  They can't wait to be reunited ;-)

The list goes on and on!  I just feel like God is preparing me for something big!  I pray its two new miracles!

I did my first PIO shot today... transfer is in five more days!  I've quit caffeine, no more wine... We are SO ready!

Having Faith Through Trials

It is so crazy how God uses times like this to stretch our faith.  I mean, C and I really believed we would get pregnant the first try again with our December 2014 IVF. Ha!  It has almost been one whole year of starting IF treatments for baby #3, and no bambino!  I think that would have been to easy for God.  I think he would rather use this time to grow our faith and give us an amazing story to share with others to give Him all the glory.  I mean, Rocco and Maximus's story just keeps getting more and more miraculous, if I don't say so myself!

How on earth we every conceived, let alone conceived twins, is beyond my brain.

Born with a Septated Uterus

Two surgeries to remove it.

Have PCOS

Have MTHFR gene mutation (everyone with PCOS does, apparently)

Husbands sperm cannot penetrate my eggs (reason unknown)

Almost complete IVF failure

TWO healthy gorgeous boys born Aug. 5, 2011

WHAT AN AMAZING GOD WE HAVE

When I sit and reflect on that, I'm just blown away.  Now, how can I be upset that this time hasn't gone as planned!?  Yes, it is painful, yes, we wish it worked the first time, but then God wouldn't have answered our very first prayer of starting this journey for #3, which was, "Lord, please give us just enough!"  One of our fears was having left over embryos.  Now we won't.  We've used them all, or are about to. Each one will have been placed where it was supposed to go.  They have all been prayed over.

We are currently doing a bible study on faith.  I have to say the timing couldn't be more perfect.  One of the the things I've been struggling with isn't faith, because I believe our God can do anything (see above), but trusting that he will do it again for me.  TRUST has been such a big word for me as we go through this.  It is a scary thing to put all of your trust in something/someone.  I was really convicted about this, going through FET #4.  I wanted to put a wall up, go through the motions, so my heart won't break again, but that is not trusting in what He can do.  I am going to believe in the impossible.

"According to your FAITH, will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29

My faith is strong, My trust is finally catching up, I am believing and praying for our miracles.

Our tentative transfer date is going to be October 16th.  Prayers appreciated :)

Results of Endo Biopsy.

Negative.

This means that my uterus is ready to go, and had been ready to go these last three try's.  This means that there is nothing more we can do.  This means that we continue to put the lives of these embryos in our Fathers hands.  This means that we continue to pray that they will make a life, each of them.

Trust.

I trust in His plan and his will for my life and these embryos lives.  I have surrendered to His design.

Amen.

One or Two?

IF Quote of the Day 

I've already began thinking about what we should do next... one or two?  I know it is going to be here before we know it!  I'm CD 11 today, but I don't plan on having a period for another 30 days :-/

We transferred our top quality embryo (out of 5) which was graded 4AA.  It looked perfect on paper, but it wasn't meant to be.  It just goes to show you that quality does not mean everything!

Here is how the rest are graded...

3AB (day 5)

4AB (day 6)

4AB (day 6)

3 BB (day6)

So, obviously grading does not really matter here.  My "perfect" embryo wasn't so perfect.  

This week I had been feeling horrible, run down, head aches, and exhausted.  I think my body is going in some type of hormonal shift after being on so many synthetic hormones.  I know this is not good for me.  I know I do not want to keep doing this over and over.  It is emotionally and physically taxing.

A few days after my miscarriage, I started taking pregnitude again to hopefully help my hormones and yesterday I started a little vegan cleanse (with lots of green smoothies, raw nuts and seeds, and salads) to detox my body from all these hormones.  I already am feeling better today, thank goodness!

To think about doing this more than one more time is stressing me out.  These hormones are torture.  Honestly, if it were up to me, I would transfer the top two... I just need to convince my husband and my doctor.  For blast transfers they recommend transferring one embryo at a time if you are 35 or under.  

The likely hood that both would take is slim!  But, if we did have twins again, we already have two of everything!  Decisions, decisions.... hmmmm!!!  

FAITH FAITH FAITH... I know I need to have faith and pray seriously about this!  I want to start praying about what embro(s) to put in.  I want to do this right!

I would LOVE your opinions!  What would YOU do?

ICLW:  If you are stopping by for ICLW, thank you! A little background... We were blessed with miracle twin boys via IVF and rescue ICSI after 3 1/2 years of TTC.  We again, haven't prevented pregnancy for the last almost three years with no luck.  We went through IVF again last December and I had to freeze everything because of OHSS.  FET #1 was a BFP, but I miscarried at 6 weeks. Now awaiting FET#2! :)

Having Faith Through Pain... Six Week Miscarriage

I'm doing better than I thought I would, considering.

Friday was rough.  I cried on and off through out the day, but I had to still be a mom which kept me busy, thankfully!  The hardest part was having to tell our friends and family who were so excited for us that we lost this baby.  I know so many people wait to announce their pregnancy's, but you know what, I am so thankful we had such a support of people praying for us, and giving us time to grieve. 

I posted this on my Instagram and my FB page on Saturday morning and I thought I would share it on here.  This was from my daily quiet time I spend with Jesus...

Psalm 23 is always what I turn to when I need reassurance, peace, comfort, strength. I am so thankful for the Lord and what He has done in my life. As a Christian, we are not promised a life without pain, or hurt, but we are promised a savior to comfort us, and guide us through the dark valley's, which we all go through. Sometimes things don't make sense, but I know the Lord is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good, no matter the circumstances. He never fails, but His plans are right, just, and fair, even when we can't see it. He is ALWAYS with us. I will rest in His green meadows, where I will find peace. Thank you Jesus for being my light in the world of darkness. Amen.

After reading and praying, I felt ready to move on.  Chris and I took the boys on a family run, we ran errands, rested, made dinner and enjoyed a bottle of wine.  It was nice to spend some quality time together as a family.  

Sunday, I was feeling good as well, but when we got to church, I ran into a lady who knew, she hugged me and tears began, again.  Church was so moving.  Worship was awesome, I could praise Jesus and thank Him for what he has given us.  I look forward to meeting that little babe who is now in a better place.  God is good.

(TMI) Right after church I went to the bathroom and there it was, my period. ugh!  Heavy and horrible.  I read that you aren't supposed to use tampons after a miscarriage because your cervix dilates, so I've been wearing pads... Not fun.  It just felt like a regular heavy period, that was until last night.  I woke up clenching the pillow having what felt like contractions about 1 min apart.  I was in the worst pain!  I  had to stand up and was leaning over my bed clenching like I was in labor!  I went to the bathroom and I heard a big plop, looking in the toilette and saw a pretty big clot, of which I am assuming were the remains.  It was terrible.  However, after that, the pains subsided and I went back to sleep.  My period has been very light today, just spotting red.

I am sad about everything but I am now ready to move on and try again!  One more period to go and we'll be back on the saddle!  

In the mean time... working out, eating clean (with the occasional glass of wine!), and my PCOS supplements!

Also, please sign up to follow by email on my other blog!!!  Check out Loving Life Naturally!!! :)

Oh the High's and Low's of IF

Yesterday's high just came crashing down with an extremely low BETA of 33. I'm devastated.  The worst part about it is, I can't take my second BETA until Monday.  I have to live in limbo for the next four days.

Chris and I had this "great plan" to go away this weekend up to Santa Barbara.  If it was negative, we would go wine tasting and if it was positive we would get some R&R.  This strait sucks.

Has anyone had such a LOW BETA and it turn out... or not?  I'm basically 15dpo.  I've never had a miscarriage, I don't know what to expect :(

PINK LINES...

...But they are BARELY getting darker!  I can see why POAS early can be bad!  I'm worried now... although I know I shouldn't be!  God is in control!  He's got this!  This baby is going to stick or not, there is nothing I can do!

Every time I see pictures of people FRER tests they get so much darker! UGH!  What do you all think?

My BETA just got moved to Thursday... Praying!

6dp5dt- 7dp5dt

For the last couple days I had a feeling I've felt before...  That 'I'm Pregnant' kinda feeling. I know I said I wasn't going to POAS, but because, 'I knew,' I just HAD to!!

Yesterday 6dpt I ran out and got a box of FRER tests and tested mid day with pretty diluted urine. There was the lightest lightest line ever... A real squinter BFP! I almost had doubts it was there! But it was there!! In all my years TTC, before having the boys, I have NEVER had a squinter, they would be STARK WHITE! Praise Jesus!! I'm freaken Pregnant!!!!! 

I ran up to tell my hubby and he knew it too! We had been looking a new homes earlier because he wants more space if our family is growing, so I brought him the checkbook and a pen handed it to him and said, "are you ready to write that check for a down payment... Because WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!"

We are so excited! Except, because the line is soooo light, he is trying not to get too excited until BETA, friday. 

Today I poas'd with FMU. It's still pretty light, but it's pink!

I have one test left, i think I will wait to test again at 9dpt which would be 14dpo! I'm so excited! This is FREAKIN happening!

As for symptoms... My bb's are huge, and beyond sore. As I sit here and type, I can feel almost throbbing pain in them! This was my telltale sign! They have ONLY ever been this sore when pregnant. I've also been a little bloated like AF bloated. Today I have a headache, not sure if that is related, otherwise just tired now.  I also have not been sleeping great and waking up early. Although
so far not with hunger pangs like last time.

Today, I did a P90x3 workout, upper body, and took the boys to the tidepools in Corona Del Mar.  It was a beautiful day. Praying this week continues to go well and the sticks get darker!! Oh! Today is my hubby's birthday... What a gift! :))

IVF #2 is Officially Underway!

I started my period on CD41.  I was so frustrated it took so long, but I was just getting back on track with my natural supplements so everything was a bit out of whack.

CD3 I went in for my baseline... blood work, ultrasound, and consult.  C also came to get his bloodworm and drop off a sample for the SA.  We brought the boys with us as well and made it a family trip ;-)  They didn't come back with my for the U/S and had a total meltdown instead.

We aren't telling any of our family about moving forward with IVF, just like last time.  It is going to be a bit more challenging with appointments and a set a twins, but we will make it work.

Why aren't we telling anyone?  We don't want opinions.  Its no one else's business.  We prayed about moving forward with IVF for a long time, just like we did last time.  IVF is such a personal choice and one that people can have very strong views about.  We love our family.  My mom is my best friend and would totally support us as well, but it is still fun to keep somethings private... and hopefully be able to share a miracle surprise!

When I need reassurance, I seek the Lord.  When I struggle, he give me strength.  When I pray, he guides my steps and answers me. I truly feel calm about this IVF, as I did last time.  I trust the Lord and know that what ever happens, it is in his plan for us.  That is so comforting.

The Results

Chris's SA : 40 mil, great motility, but only 2% morphology!  

We didn't wait the full 48 hours (36 hours) of abstinence and he had a little trouble completing the task, so to speak.  As for the morphology, it is no wonder we aren't getting pregnant!  His sperm cannot penetrate my eggs so we are moving forward with ICSI again :)

Sara's: All my numbers were exactly were they were supposed to be!  I can't remember the exact numbers, but my FSH and Estrogen meant I am still fertile (here's hoping!)  The first u/s I did over 5 years ago to check my ovaries, I had about 40-50 tiny cyst on each one!  This time, only 8-10!  How amazing!  Natural medicine and clean eating does really work!  

So Now What?

I started my BCP's.  After being drug and hormone free for four years now, let me just say, my body did NOT like this.  I started the pills (2/day for three days) on CD3.  I had a head ache (and I have one right now!) and was extremely exhausted for a week!  I was taking naps when my boys napped, like 2-3 hours a day!  My body is hating me :(

I go in Tuesday for my hysteroscopy (no fun!) to check my uterus for any changes, especially since I had given birth to twins, had a c-section, and two surgeries to remove my uterine septum.  He is also doing my trial transfer. 

We are on full steam ahead!  Its all happening so fast! Last time, things couldn't move fast enough, now, its going to be here before we know it!  

I start Lupron on the 12th and Stims on the 22, and a tentative Egg Retrieval on the 5th. Eeek!  I just received my GIANT box of meds today.  It is so crazy!  

I'm ready.

Lets do this!

Progress...

is being made.  Not in the hunger department, unfortunately.  I was up at 5am again this morning and hungry.  I even ate a little bowl of cereal before bed to ensure that I would be able to sleep in... nope!  These babies are hungry babies.  I know part of it is that I need to eat more.  Sometimes its hard because NOTHING sounds good.  I have added orange juice to my diet for the added calories. This is new because I would never "drink my calories" before.  I would always eat the fruit... less calories!  Now I need them.

Back to progress... I am becoming a much more confident pregnant woman instead of an infertile pregnant woman!  Here are some of the things I'm proud of:

• I'm not googling obsessively.  I am actually finding it really hard to think of things to google when I try.
• I'm not worried about Jinxing this pregnancy.  I have let go of the fear of losing one of the babies (vanishing twin).  I realize that if that were to happen, it would be because of a chromosomal problem and that is completely out of my control.
• I started prenatal yoga at a studio with a bunch of VERY pregnant women.  Yes, I kind of felt like an impostor because I am not sporting a belly (just a pooch), but I don't care.  I am doing whats good for me and my babies!  They say its best to start in the first trimester, so I did! Yesterday was my first class and I absolutely LOVE IT! This was my boldest move so far... huge!
• For my birthday, one of my good friends gave me onsies and receiving blankets.  It really freaked me out.  I wasn't able to look at them since I opened them and they stayed in the gift bag.  Yesterday I was able to lay them out on the bed, and put them away.  I didn't freak out... I got excited!  Progress!
• I'm feeling less anxious about my next ultrasound.  And waiting in general.
• I started using stretch mark cream.  Mostly for my boobs which are the main things growing.
• and I made my 8 week appointment with my OB!

I know its a lot.  But I am just trying to have faith.  I can't live in fear, so I'm moving forward!  I have to believe that everything is going to be okay.  I am not superstitious, so I don't believe I can "jinx it."  I believe God has a plan and what ever is meant to be will be.  There is nothing I can do that will change the inevitable.  All I can do is take care of my body by getting good nutrition, getting exercise, and getting enough rest.  So that is what I'm doing!

I forgot to mention that I am down to ONE progesterone suppository a day (from three) and I am off the vivelle estrogen dots (since Friday).  At Fridays u/s, Dr R checked my levels and my progesterone was at 60 and estrogen was over 2000!  I'm assuming those are good.  I did three days of two suppositories and yesterday was my first day of one.  It is a little nerve racking, but I'm trusting they know whats right.  I will have my blood drawn again Friday.

I'm currently 6 weeks and 4 days.  New symptoms?  Not really.  (tmi) My Nipples are starting to look a little different, a little more pronounced.  One I forgot to mention that I've had since four weeks... chest acne (yuck!).  My mom says its pregnancy rash. They are tiny red bumps, not too noticeable for others, but I think its disgusting.  Obviously, I'll take 'em!  But it doesn't mean I have to LOVE every symptom :)

4 weeks 5 days...

I hope this isn't too premature, but I went to Barns and Nobles and got a new pregnancy book!  I already got "What to Expect..." over 2 1/2 years ago, when we first started TTC.  I finally took it off the shelf... again!  I like that book, it has a lot of good information, but this new book is AMAZING!

Pregnancy Day by Day...

a look inside...

I just purchased it today, so I haven't really got into it too much yet.  But, what I love about it is that it gives, "a day-by-day account of pregnancy with detailed explanations of the physical and emotional changes that take place in your body along with fascinating insights into how your baby develops within the uterus."  It shows an actual picture each day of the baby... starting from ovulation!  There are tons of pics, tips, for each day!

I'm so excited to start reading it.  I feel like its really going to help me with the waiting times between ultra sounds, dr appts., etc!

***

Something else I really wanted to write about...

I was having a lot of issues with fear, before pregnancy and now with pregnancy.  Prior, I would think, if I could just GET pregnant, I would be okay.  Then I would know I can at least conceive.  Now that I'm pregnant, I have been fearful of losing these babies!  I was thinking, once I see BETA #2, I'll be okay, and then Ultrasound #1... then #2... and so on.

I was with one of my IRLF (in real life friends) yesterday, and was talking to her about this.  She had also dealt with pregnancy loss then IF from PCOS.  She reminded me that this can go on FOREVER, even after the babies come!  Of course I don't want that!  She reminded me that I needed to give God the power, let Him carry my burdens.  So that's what I did.

Sometimes I forget this, but usually, when something is weighing me down, I would imagine the cross on a hill and me pushing a duffel bag (my baggage) with whatever the issue is, labeled to it.  For example, "Infertility" or now, "my babies."  I have to say... a huge weight has been lifted.  I was praying yesterday and imagined pushing "my babies" to the cross.  I prayed... and I prayed... and I prayed.  I'm sure I will have to pray more about this.  But its so nice that we don't have to do this alone, He is there to carry our "stuff."

I was terribly mistaken...

about the number of follicles (eggs) I have.  I have over 20 ranging from 13-15mm in diameter now.  What happens is the doctors stop counting after they get a good idea of what their working with and say "PCO".  I saw Dr. R today, he was pretty impressed and said I'm doing "quite well," and "surgery is definitely on for Thursday!"  I'm going to trigger tomorrow night sometime, which I will find out more at tomorrows appointment.

From what I've read about PCOS, it may affect egg quality.  So, even though we have lots of follicles, they may not all be mature or the best quality.  If we have 20 eggs retrieved I will be ecstatic if half of them make embryo's.

The nurse wants me on a low-carb diet now so my body doesn't retain lots of water after ER.  I responded, "at Christmas time?"  Its so hard right now.  I'm loving not being on a diet.  She also wants me to "take it easy and rest."  No problem, I'm exhausted from all the holiday festivities!!

Because of our faith, choosing to move forward with IVF was really difficult.  I was concerned about having extra embryo's.  What would we do with them?  Although the bible doesn't discuss IVF, it is our belief that at conception a life is formed.  For some people they are cells, and to C and I they will be our babies.  If some don't make it, I will know I will have babies waiting for me in heaven.  I just keep praying that God gives us what we can handle.  C and I had decided that we would use all the embryo's we get.  I am having faith that God will bless us with the right amount.  Not to many, and hopefully, not too little.  Its a little scary having PCOS, because of all the follicles we produce!

Not sure if I mentioned this before... because I still have the residual septum, Dr. R only wants to implant a SINGLE embryo.  I am a little bummed because I have always dreamed of having twins, but because I have this funky uterus it is safer for me and my potential baby.

I have been contemplating the what ifs...

If this cycle doesn't work... I MAY take out the septum (then Dr. R would implant two embies)
If I have a chemical pregnancy... I WILL take out the septum
If I have a miscarriage... I WILL take out the septum
If this cycle works... I WILL THANK GOD FOR THE MIRACLE AND PRAY DAILY FOR THE SAFETY OF THIS BABY

With a Fork in the Road...

Lots of prayer...and another talk with Dr. R and we have THE plan.  C and I just cannot imagine going through ANOTHER surgery again.  The whole process is long and, of course, painful.  IVF would have been pushed back most likely until February.  No, its not that far away but, then again, it is in IF world.  We remembered what Dr. R stated from our very first appointment with him, "I never would have taken the septum out."  I know this is very controversial between doctors.  Dr. D obviously would have felt it was necessary and wanted a THIRD surgery.  Dr. R feels (and research shows) that septum's DO NOT cause infertility, they only can potentially cause miscarriages. And yes, that is entirely scary for me too!  That is why this decision was so extremely difficult.  However, I have never been pregnant, therefore, I am not sure it will be a problem.  I guess this will be another thing to put into God's hands.  If IVF does work and I do get pregnant, I will be more scared and cautious but, then again, I feel like I would be anyways, given our history.  So, I am cautiously optimistic.

I am excited that we are going forward with IVF.  I am praying I make a lot of good quality eggs and together, grade A embryo's.  Again, its in God's hands.  If, God forbid, we do miscarry and its the cause if the septum, we will remove it asap and then do a FET (frozen embryo transfer), given that we have some.

Here is our updated IVF schedule:

November 24- Start Lupron
November 25- HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!
December 4- Start Stims (yay Follistim!)
Week of December 13- Egg retrieval (ER)!
December 18-19?- Embryo Transfer (ET)!!
December 31- BETA and hopefully a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

obviously, these are estimations as far as the ER, ET and BETA, but that is my holiday schedule!  I have a good feeling its going to just fly. 

We are already booked as far as Christmas parties are concerned.  December 2 is C's office party which I put together.  We are taking a yacht in the Newport Beach harbor and having dinner.  The boat will be decked out with holiday decor' and there should be a lot of houses and boats decorated too!  I'm super excited about it!  Should be really fun. December 4 is a friends birthday party, December 12 is C's family Christmas party and my friends baby shower, December 18 is my family annual Fondue party (which I am most likely going to have "call in sick" to), December 19 is C's manager party (which I am most likely going to have "call in sick" to), then its Christmas eve and Christmas. 

I love love the holidays and all that they represent.  I love coming together with family and friends. It is definitely my favorite time of the year.