3dp5dt FET#4

The last couple days were a breeze... today, hormonal mess!  I feel ultra sensitive, ultra tired, bloated and I have an on again off again headache that I woke up with.  I know it is all related to all the wonderful hormones I am on, but it sure makes it extremely hard not to think... what if?

I know it is WAY too early for any REAL pregnancy symptoms, but feeling like this makes me have POAS on my mind! Do you think I can hold out?  I have one FRER upstairs.  I should just go use it, to get it out of the house!  WHY OH WHY is the 2WW so hard!?

You really forget how difficult it is, until those P4 symptoms kick into high gear!

I've been pretty crampy since 1dpt, but I will list yesterdays...

• 2dp6dt- cramps, twinges, EXHAUSTED by 3pm (I couldn't finish putting away the groceries I had to lay down!), not a huge appetite.

• 3dp5dt- woke up with a dull headache and its been coming and going today, cramps still, maybe my bb's are getting sore (?), emotional, really tired all day, not a big appetite.

One thing I forgot to mention prior to transfer...  So a week prior to transfer I had been reading about assisted hatching and noticed on all the sites that it mentioned that the steroid, Medrol is necessary to take so your body doesn't reject the embryos and have an inflammatory response. Well, once I realized that, I immediately called my RE's office to speak to a nurse.  Only Barbara was available and she is not my favorite.  She always seems to make me feel like I'm asking too many questions.  Anyway, she said that they no longer use Medrol because new studies have shown it doesn't help either way.

That was not good enough for me!

I emailed Dr. A. and she said that it was true that they didn't normally give Medrol anymore, but looking back at my twins cycle, I WAS ON MEDROL!!!! Can you believe that!?  She said it would be up to me if I wanted it again.  I replied, "absolutely since that was my one cycle that worked!"

I can't help but wonder if that was my missing link for the last three cycles!  So LAME!

This journey can be so frustrating!

I started the Medrol Sunday and finished yesterday.  I had to take 4 pills a day for 4 days.

This morning I also woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach too!  I realized that Assisted Hatching, AH, was not mentioned at transfer and it wasn't on my embryo report.  I have been on the phone with my RE, and no one has an answer for me!  Apparently they are short handed in the lab and the embryologies haven't gotten back!  I just want to confirm it was done... for peace of mind, I guess!

I told C about my fears that AH wasn't preformed.  His reply, "Gods bigger than assisted hatching!" Duh!  He is so confident this is going to work this time!  I love it!  I really need some verses to rebuke doubt right now!  I think I will google some...

Wow!  For those of you who need a kick in the pants on FAITH, read Hebrews 11.  So good!

Today Is The Day! FET #4

I woke up at 4AM to pee... and I've been up since then!  I cannot keep calm!  I tossed and turned and decided to get up, have a cup of tea, and spend time with the Lord.  I've prayed more and prayed harder for these two embryos, just like I did when we conceived the twins.  Gods got this!

Today is going to be a good day!

Its Frozen Embryo Transfer Day!

Please pray our last two embryos thaw perfectly and begin to expand!  Please pray the transfer goes perfectly and our embryos make it to their 'home.'  Please pray they burrow deep and that God breaths life into them!

Thank you so much!

One or Two?

IF Quote of the Day 

I've already began thinking about what we should do next... one or two?  I know it is going to be here before we know it!  I'm CD 11 today, but I don't plan on having a period for another 30 days :-/

We transferred our top quality embryo (out of 5) which was graded 4AA.  It looked perfect on paper, but it wasn't meant to be.  It just goes to show you that quality does not mean everything!

Here is how the rest are graded...

3AB (day 5)

4AB (day 6)

4AB (day 6)

3 BB (day6)

So, obviously grading does not really matter here.  My "perfect" embryo wasn't so perfect.  

This week I had been feeling horrible, run down, head aches, and exhausted.  I think my body is going in some type of hormonal shift after being on so many synthetic hormones.  I know this is not good for me.  I know I do not want to keep doing this over and over.  It is emotionally and physically taxing.

A few days after my miscarriage, I started taking pregnitude again to hopefully help my hormones and yesterday I started a little vegan cleanse (with lots of green smoothies, raw nuts and seeds, and salads) to detox my body from all these hormones.  I already am feeling better today, thank goodness!

To think about doing this more than one more time is stressing me out.  These hormones are torture.  Honestly, if it were up to me, I would transfer the top two... I just need to convince my husband and my doctor.  For blast transfers they recommend transferring one embryo at a time if you are 35 or under.  

The likely hood that both would take is slim!  But, if we did have twins again, we already have two of everything!  Decisions, decisions.... hmmmm!!!  

FAITH FAITH FAITH... I know I need to have faith and pray seriously about this!  I want to start praying about what embro(s) to put in.  I want to do this right!

I would LOVE your opinions!  What would YOU do?

ICLW:  If you are stopping by for ICLW, thank you! A little background... We were blessed with miracle twin boys via IVF and rescue ICSI after 3 1/2 years of TTC.  We again, haven't prevented pregnancy for the last almost three years with no luck.  We went through IVF again last December and I had to freeze everything because of OHSS.  FET #1 was a BFP, but I miscarried at 6 weeks. Now awaiting FET#2! :)

Having Faith Through Pain... Six Week Miscarriage

I'm doing better than I thought I would, considering.

Friday was rough.  I cried on and off through out the day, but I had to still be a mom which kept me busy, thankfully!  The hardest part was having to tell our friends and family who were so excited for us that we lost this baby.  I know so many people wait to announce their pregnancy's, but you know what, I am so thankful we had such a support of people praying for us, and giving us time to grieve. 

I posted this on my Instagram and my FB page on Saturday morning and I thought I would share it on here.  This was from my daily quiet time I spend with Jesus...

Psalm 23 is always what I turn to when I need reassurance, peace, comfort, strength. I am so thankful for the Lord and what He has done in my life. As a Christian, we are not promised a life without pain, or hurt, but we are promised a savior to comfort us, and guide us through the dark valley's, which we all go through. Sometimes things don't make sense, but I know the Lord is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good, no matter the circumstances. He never fails, but His plans are right, just, and fair, even when we can't see it. He is ALWAYS with us. I will rest in His green meadows, where I will find peace. Thank you Jesus for being my light in the world of darkness. Amen.

After reading and praying, I felt ready to move on.  Chris and I took the boys on a family run, we ran errands, rested, made dinner and enjoyed a bottle of wine.  It was nice to spend some quality time together as a family.  

Sunday, I was feeling good as well, but when we got to church, I ran into a lady who knew, she hugged me and tears began, again.  Church was so moving.  Worship was awesome, I could praise Jesus and thank Him for what he has given us.  I look forward to meeting that little babe who is now in a better place.  God is good.

(TMI) Right after church I went to the bathroom and there it was, my period. ugh!  Heavy and horrible.  I read that you aren't supposed to use tampons after a miscarriage because your cervix dilates, so I've been wearing pads... Not fun.  It just felt like a regular heavy period, that was until last night.  I woke up clenching the pillow having what felt like contractions about 1 min apart.  I was in the worst pain!  I  had to stand up and was leaning over my bed clenching like I was in labor!  I went to the bathroom and I heard a big plop, looking in the toilette and saw a pretty big clot, of which I am assuming were the remains.  It was terrible.  However, after that, the pains subsided and I went back to sleep.  My period has been very light today, just spotting red.

I am sad about everything but I am now ready to move on and try again!  One more period to go and we'll be back on the saddle!  

In the mean time... working out, eating clean (with the occasional glass of wine!), and my PCOS supplements!

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Here we go again...

Looks like we are moving on for baby #3! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!  It is shocking really and hasn't totally set in!  I mean... I can't believe we are going to do this all over again!  But, I'm also very excited!

Really, we were both hoping and praying for a magical little miracle to happen. But it didn't.

Our appointment was Sept. 26.  I was anxious.  I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  Chris wasn't 100% he wanted to go through it again.  We had concerns.

I walked into the RE's office and my eyes started tearing up!  The nurse looked one look at me and remember me immediately! Its been FOUR YEARS since I walked out of there, also with tears in my eyes (happy tears of course!).  We made it full circle.

Dr. R is amazing, honestly.  He gave me a big hug and was excited to see how Rocco and Maximus were doing.  We all chatted for a bit casually.  Then came the questions.

We were concerned about embryo's in particular.  Lets recap... Last time, I made 29 eggs and I was on the lowest dose of medicine apparently.  I DO NOT want 29 embryos.  I honestly have a tough time making more than we need.  He suggested to ICSI 8 of them and we would likely get 2 blasts.  That seems like a lot to me still.  I suggested 6, and he agreed that would suffice.  We would then freeze any extra eggs, incase it doesn't work, so I would at least not have to go through the entire IVF process again with egg retrieval.

Has anyone done this?  I literally had a nightmare last night that we had all of our ICSI'd eggs become perfect blasts.  I do not think I could live with myself.  I could not have all of these babies.  I could not live knowing that I had kids growing up somewhere with another family near by (if we adopted them out), and I do not think I could destroy them!  What to do?!  I guess I'm still really torn on the number.

We have a little time to figure it out, pray, pray, pray, and TRUST God will guide us into the best outcome!

Right now I'm in the waiting phase... currently in the middle of my cycle.  I have to wait to start my period and then start the BCP's. We have a little time to figure it out again.

Thoughts welcome!

I thought I would share this picture I took of my twins today.  They are truly best buddies... and are asking for a little brother or sister! We are praying!!!