BETA DAY

Sorry I haven't updated.  It has not been the smoothest 2WW.

 The morning of transfer, I woke up at about 5 am.  I wanted to go have my quiet time.  Today was a big day, and C and I decided it was likely going to be the last time we are going to do this regardless of the outcome (although we have said that many times).  But for some reason, this time it felt more real.  I sat down with my bible and devotion and opened to todays devotional and the heading was TRUST ME ANYWAY.  It was the perfect thing for me to read that morning and honestly the only way I could get through this 2ww.  I'm just going to share my instagram post I wrote that morning...

"I took this picture a few months ago on my way to a hair appointment. The sunset was just so gorgeous that I literally had to pull over the car to capture it. I thanked God for making such a beautiful sunset. Sometimes it seems like they happen at the perfect time, like they were painting just for... me! Do you ever feel that way?

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading in a devotional I actually bought for my kiddos. It brought tears to my eyes. The heading was "Trust Me Anyway" it was like he was speaking directly to me! 

And then the verse... "I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!" John 16:33

God doesn't promise us a problem free life, but he does promise to be with us through the storms. One thing is for certain, when my faith was tested through this journey and our four miscarriages, He NEVER let me go, even when I wanted to. He hung on to me when my faith hung on by a thread. Now, even through SO much heartache, I can stand firm in his love for me. I may never understand the why we had to go through this trial, but Lord, I do trust you anyway."

Transfer went smoothly.  Everything happened as it should.  Usually, I am a nervous wreck, anxiety is at a all time high, but this time was different.  I was calm, relaxed even.  I usually want to go strait home on bedrest, but this time, C and I went out to lunch!  We stopped by a new little restaurant called Eat Chow.  And because everyone always eat Mc Donald's Fries afterward (I just can't do that knowing how many chemicals are in their food!), we ordered some truffle garlic fries instead! OMGosh SO delish!

Then, I went home on bedrest.

Dr. P requires strict bedrest is required for three days (I only did two days with my twins).  The next morning, however, I woke up with a UTI of all things.  I tried to get someone to call in a prescription for me, but no one would.  First I was sent to my labcorp, but they couldn't test with a dip stick, only culture. So, Finally I ended up in urgent care, got my usual macrobid, and went back home.  I was terrified to take an antibiotic thinking it would kill the embryo, but I also didn't want a kidney infection.  I had to remind myself of what I felt God was telling me, "Trust me anyway!"

It cleared up right away, but on the second day, I ended up with a rash all over my abdomen.  It was the macrobid!  I have taken it many times before but now i'm allergic! Great!  My body is attacking the embryo!  TRUST ME ANYWAY!  I stopped the Macrobid after the second day, the third day, the rash was all over my face! Oh this is terrible, I am sure this cycle is a BUST.  TRUST ME ANYWAY!

Pray. Wait. Trust.

Dr's wanted me to take a STRONGER antibiotic Cipro, but since I wasn't having any more UTI symptoms, I decided not to take it.  I picked up a natural alternative called D-Mannose.  I started taking that every three hours when I stopped the macrobid.  Apparently it worked!

My symptoms started 3dp6dt:  Major bloat, sore boobs on the sides, heaviness  and pulling in uterus. I feel like as soon as implantation happens, I get this pooch!  It has progressively gotten bigger and bigger all week!

4dp6dt, I got a squinter on a FRER.  I mean it was like a barely there, am I seeing things squinter

5dp6dt, I was still questioning it. So I went and got these walmart cheapie tests...

6dp6dt, I wrote, "Symptoms: HOT all night, pulling and heaviness in the uterus, peed twice last night.  

Its all been the same, just increasing symptoms, peeing on sticks like a crazy lady!  Starting at 4 weeks and 1 day, I noticed an increase in my appetite.  I had vegan french toast for breakfast and then i was STARVING after church and all I wanted was a hamburger!  We went to the habit and i had a lettuce wrap double double!  I hadn't eaten there since I was pregnant with my boys. The last two mornings I've eating homemade meatballs and marinara for breakfast.  

The weirdest part is, I thought I would be ballooning up from the prednisone I'm on. Nope!  I've lost seven pounds!  I'm down to 135 as of this morning, and that is with me having a giant bloated tummy!  I think my body likes prednisone.  I was terrified of getting moon face.  But I'm losing weight!

I woke up this morning and took this test, 12dp6dt, which apparently is the same as 12dp5dt.  I just did that receptivity test to confirm my Uterus is receptive day six (like when i had my boys).

Best test yet, and you know I'm going to keep on testing!  I can't wait til Friday!  They just keep getting better.  Blood is drawn!  We also did our repeat immune labs... 10 vials of blood, checking my NK cells, antibodies etc. C had to do some too for it too.  I will get a report in a couple days and then I will know what my next dose of IVIG needs to be for next Wednesday!

BETA TEST

OMG... I just got the call!!!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!!  291 is the number!  Thank you JESUS!  I wish it was like the first time all over again.  Crying, tears of joy!  Unfortunately, that joy has been robbed from me.  I am SO happy we have a GREAT number, we have such a LONG road ahead.  My next beta is Friday... three days away!  Please Lord, protect this life.  Give us this baby we have desperately prayed for. Your will your way is always the right ways Lord, but please give us your favor once more.  We love you Lord.  You are the author and creator of life.  Your name is who we praise.  Your name and your name alone will be the one I praise for all of my days.  To you be the glory Lord, of this precious life. Amen.

See that bump!  It was flat as a board, but now I have a pooch! Praise Jesus! (bruises from heparin!)

THREE days til PUPO status!

That God has a plan. That our tears and heartbreak won't go wasted.  That he will use them for His glory.  That His plan is greater than our desires.  I believe.

When you find a chocolate pineapple you must eat it right away, because it must be good luck!

I'm totally counting down!  I have been so calm about this whole cycle... until I started the progesterone! I think part of the thing that has helped me so much is not talking about it with my friends/family.  I'm not obsessing.  I also just felt that God was leading me to this RE, so I am trusting in this plan.  We also found a septum and removed it, we are trying a whole new protocol, are doing intralipids (One round done, will do another day of transfer and another after BFP!), and I start lovenox transfer night!  However, I started worrying again when I started the progesterone on Monday!

Getting my Intra lipids via IV!

So, I know some of you have done more progesterone than your RE recommended.  My new RE only recommends crinone twice a day, AM/PM.  That's it!  I'm sorry, but after our first miscarriage, I had my progesterone tested, it was only a 7 and I was on 3 suppositories per day! I messaged my coordinator and she said

"The gel twice per day should be adequate. If the progesterone is less than 10 at time of hug test, then we will add PIO."

I'm sorry but I don't want to risk it!  I have three bottles of unopened PIO from my IVF #3.  I added 1 cc of PIO to the regimen.  After what we have been through, I'm not risking not having enough!  That is crazy!  So I'm doing 1 shot of PIO and crinone twice a day.  You cannot take too much progesterone, but you can have too little!

We did a mini trip to Santa Barbara last week! Maximus on left, Rocco on right!

I Think I Tested Too Early... 5dp6dt IVF #3

My boy Maximus on the SUP with Mommy!

First of all, Thank you for all of your support!  I so appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement!

After my last poas around 3pm, seeing a BFN, I couldn't take it any more... I put those sticks AWAY! Vowing not to test for at least two days so I can get a better answer.  I went to bed feeling hopeless, 100% sure that this didn't work, devastated, bargaining with God, I am going to bed with new found hope tonight!

How am I feeling 5dp6dt? I think I might have tested too soon!  HELLO BLOAT!!!!!  Oh how I missed you!  Its back... its full on!  I should my stomach to my hubby and he confirmed.  He had just got done commenting how flat my stomach was again two days ago.  My bb's are also getting sore, more so on the sides.

This morning I woke up still feeling helpless. Hopeless.  You should read my prayer journal!  Asking God WHY?  WHY does this keep happening to us?  I was then reading in Psalms and I was given this verse...

Reminded again that my hope and trust is in him... and nothing else!

Today my gf Crystal and I took our kiddos to the nature center in New Port Back Bay.  It was the perfect place to get my mind off of all this!  The had a scavenger hunt for the kids to find things in nature... lady bug, tadpoles, pinecone, bark, a log, butterfly, lizard, etc.  The kids LOVED it!  I found it super healing.

As I was walking around, I kept thinking, am I feeling the bloat coming back?  Are my bb's now sore?  OMGosh they are!  I'm not kidding, my stomach is getting more bloated by the min. AMAZING.

I am keeping those tests away.  I'm going to rest in these symptoms.  Pray they keep getting stronger. Wait for BETA Saturday and PRAY these babes STICK!  Please let them be our take home babies!!!!

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

Trusting God Through Miscarriage

I have to share this amazingly written post. Just when I thought my faith was unshakeable, Satan found a way to shake it... But he is not going to win! I could feel the walls going up just like the writer in the post below says, but I need my savior to get me through this time. I hope this piece touches you like it did for me. 

Trusting God through Miscarriage by Krissi Trowbridge

“The enemy is after your joy. He wants to steal it forever, and ever.”

Those words shook me to my core while on the phone with a friend. You know in movies where one line is spoken and the mood heightens or changes entirely? This was that… But in real life, in my real heart. Those words pierced like arrows, challenging me to zoom out of the sea of pain I was drowning in, and see a much bigger picture. The big picture was the threat to the quality, the joy I would or would not experience in my life, for the rest of my life, and I wasn’t backing down.

Moments before my friend spoke those words to me in prayer, I had been in the doctor’s office. My husband and I went in together for a routine pregnancy check up. There was nothing unusual going on, which we were fine with after experiencing an early term miscarriage in December. We expected to be in and out after an ultrasound and blood work. We had seen our new baby at two previous appointments, and were eager to get a glimpse of that precious life we were picking out names and planning for. As I lay on the exam table the doctor put the sonogram wand over my stomach. I love hearing baby’s heart beat. It’s the most beautiful music to a mama’s ears. I waited, and heard nothing. I looked at the screen and saw our baby, still, and lifeless.

It seemed like hours staring at that screen, knowing in my heart the truth, but trying to convince myself I was wrong or I was dreaming. Finally our doctor broke the deafening silence, and with tears in his eyes said “I… I can’t hear a heartbeat.” I went numb. Was this really happening? Emotions threatening to engulf me, I was half listening to the doctor tell us to go home today and we would talk about the different options on how to get the baby out… It was all too much. All I could do was lay there.

I felt God’s peace, but I also felt the walls going up around my heart. When you receive such a blow to your joy, your promise, your faith… It shakes you. Being shaken is part of life, but remaining anchored in the midst of the storm is a choice. That choice was a very real one at that moment.

When I heard those words, “the enemy is after your joy” it was like an awakening alarm went off inside of me. Not that I had to be joyful in that moment, but that I could believe the Lord’s joy would strengthen me until I could be. There was a voice in my heart that was shouting of God’s goodness, His faithfulness, even through this. I didn’t know what it was going to look like, but I had decided I would not let the enemy steal my joy for the rest of my life. That I would walk out this pain and healing process with the Lord by my side, carrying me through. In my heart came John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, but my focus was beyond it. My focus was on my Father. The One who knows me and loves me. The One who had prepared me in ways and had others already praying for me. The One who doesn’t kill babies, or anyone for that matter. I felt a resolve in my heart. I felt anchored. Anchored to Jesus. Anchored to His joy. Anchored to peace that really was surpassing my understanding. Anchored to Him. My emotions were thrashing about like an incredible storm, threatening the strength of my anchor, but I just kept breathing. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t have to. I would walk this out, not to impress God with my own strength, but while leaning on Him in my weakness, fully dependent on Him, letting His strength and joy meet all of my pain. Getting up that day was so hard, as were the days and weeks after that appointment.

I had always read “the joy of the Lord is your strength” in Nehemiah 8 as if I had to force myself to be joyful, so I would be strong. This journey of back to back miscarriages has taught me it is not my joythat brings strength, but HIS. I can not tell you how many times I have listened to ‘Forever’ by Kari Jobe. I always laugh and cry with unexplainable joy at the line:

“Oh death, where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!”

It has been a few months now, and I have found myself in different phases of heartache and healing. I kept feeling like I should be ok. People expected me to be ok. There are triggers that cause tears. It took me weeks to go through my closet and take out the maternity clothes. Baby showers are very different for me now. The thing is, I know that at my core I really am ok, but the Lord is still healing me. In prayer one day I asked the Lord why I wasn’t ‘there’ yet… Fully healed. He showed me a picture of me in a deep pit, head in my hands while I cried. He said, “Daughter, you keep thinking I am reaching down from the top of the pit, desperate to help you get out and move on. I’m not there. I am in the pit with you, holding you and weeping with you. Don’t focus on getting there, just focus on Me. Soon we will be out of the pit… not because of your strength, but because you allow Me in your pain, in your pit. I am not in a hurry to get you to the other side, I am interested in the full healing of your heart.” He has been beside me every second of this process. His joy has truly given me strength.

This season has been painfully healing, horribly beautiful, and one I will always remember. Yes, because of the loss, but also for the love, the faithfulness, nearness and depth I have discovered in God. We can’t know we are established in our faith, until that faith is tested. What good is a beautiful mansion, if the foundation has a hole in it? The Lord uses our pain as opportunities to draw us to Him, and rebuild us stronger than before. Just because I am hurting, doesn’t mean God isn’t good. His character does not change when I go through pain.

I will continue to embrace the pain until joy and strength burst from it. I won’t be afraid to feel it ALL, with Jesus, so He can heal me the whole way of this journey, because I trust Him. I won’t settle for anything less than redemption, and neither should you. If you too, have a baby waiting for you in heaven, know that as you read this, I have already prayed for you and your family. You are still a mother, and your baby is worth honoring and acknowledging, no matter how short their life. I see you and with all of my heart want to hug you and hear your story.

There really is nothing He can not bring you through, Mama, If you chose to trust Him, even when it doesn’t line up with what makes sense to you. I promise He won’t leave you broken. He didn’t cause your pain, but He wants to love and heal you through to a more anchored, joyful, beautiful you. Nothing is too difficult for Him.
There may be pain in the night, but joy really does come in the morning! I am praying your joy may be filled to overflowing, even in the midst of the storm. Stay anchored, Sister. He has you!