4dp6dt- 5dp6dt Transfer Eight

I took this last night! This is my tried and true pregnancy symptom... I get major bloat which looks more like a pooch! My stomach was flat 4 days ago! It started 3dp6dt and by yesterday it's definitely more! The best part, it's still here this morning! After three losses I'm staying cautiously optimistic, but with those pregnancies, I never had it this early! Praying at least one of these little ones stuck and continue!

Here are some more symptoms... went to dinner last night with friends, exhausted by 8pm! Restless sleep again. Peed twice in the middle of the night. It's 11am right now and I need a nap 😴

I Think I Tested Too Early... 5dp6dt IVF #3

My boy Maximus on the SUP with Mommy!

First of all, Thank you for all of your support!  I so appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement!

After my last poas around 3pm, seeing a BFN, I couldn't take it any more... I put those sticks AWAY! Vowing not to test for at least two days so I can get a better answer.  I went to bed feeling hopeless, 100% sure that this didn't work, devastated, bargaining with God, I am going to bed with new found hope tonight!

How am I feeling 5dp6dt? I think I might have tested too soon!  HELLO BLOAT!!!!!  Oh how I missed you!  Its back... its full on!  I should my stomach to my hubby and he confirmed.  He had just got done commenting how flat my stomach was again two days ago.  My bb's are also getting sore, more so on the sides.

This morning I woke up still feeling helpless. Hopeless.  You should read my prayer journal!  Asking God WHY?  WHY does this keep happening to us?  I was then reading in Psalms and I was given this verse...

Reminded again that my hope and trust is in him... and nothing else!

Today my gf Crystal and I took our kiddos to the nature center in New Port Back Bay.  It was the perfect place to get my mind off of all this!  The had a scavenger hunt for the kids to find things in nature... lady bug, tadpoles, pinecone, bark, a log, butterfly, lizard, etc.  The kids LOVED it!  I found it super healing.

As I was walking around, I kept thinking, am I feeling the bloat coming back?  Are my bb's now sore?  OMGosh they are!  I'm not kidding, my stomach is getting more bloated by the min. AMAZING.

I am keeping those tests away.  I'm going to rest in these symptoms.  Pray they keep getting stronger. Wait for BETA Saturday and PRAY these babes STICK!  Please let them be our take home babies!!!!

1dp6dt IVF #3

Still on bedrest!  Really trying to take this rest serious!  Thankfully I've had some help with my boys today and my mom stayed all day yesterday and put them down last night.  

So far, I don't feel anything other than some minor twinges and crampy feelings on an off, hoping thats a good sign! My bb's are not sore at all from the progesterone yet.  I was so so bloated from ER, but that is almost gone, and I pray it comes back!  Bloating is my #1 pregnancy sign!

I have a bunch of internet cheepies so a took a test to see if trigger was still there and there was a tinge of a line so I know it is.  We did only did a 5000iu trigger so hopefully it will be gone soon and then I can see those tests get darker!  If we do get a positive, I am going to try really hard NOT to get excited.  I have to guard my heart. After two losses, its hard, it changes you.  We just want to see a heartbeat!  First things first though... burrow in deep little ones! 

stick stick stick! IVF #3

Last night (and the last few days), I was filled with anxiety and fear, questioning if we were doing the right thing, attempting to having more babies, and how many to transfer.  I really feel like the devil was at work and I was being spiritually attacked.  I tossed and turned couldn't sleep.  I prayed and prayed for peace and clarity on transferring one or two embryos.  I finally fell asleep when I felt that God answered me.  I was reminded that this whole cycle, I laid at His feet, like I did with the boys.  I let go and let God do his work.  So we decided that we are putting our faith in trust in the creator of life. I realized that no matter what we put in, God has the final say.  We can end up with no baby, one baby or two!  I fell asleep at that thought and felt sure we were doing the right thing.

I ended up having a terrible dream that Dr. A only transferred one and left the other one in the dish and it was going to be destroyed.  I was beyond devastated!  More confirmation we needed to transfer both!
Last night Rocco did the most precious thing at dinner, he prayed the most sincere prayer on his own. He stopped eating and said "we need to pray mommy."  He closed his eyes put his two hands together and said, "Dear Lord, please put two babies in mommy's tummy, one for Maximus and one for me." My heart completely melted.  Lord hear his prayer!

We are finally PUPO!  PUPO With the best two blasts I've ever seen!  A 6AA completely hatched embryo and an almost completely hatched AA embryo (Kristine our embryologist said it was like a 5 1/2 AA)! They were so big they couldn't capture their whole picture! What a blessing! We are so thankful! Thank you for all of your prayers! Now we just need some sticky vibes for these two beauties 😍😍

taken right before transfer, valium kicking in! :)

We had the most stressful  time getting to the transfer!  I was 15 minutes late!  Every light was red going down the freeway, the onramp was closed to the freeway we had to take another detour, horrible LA traffic, more red lights off the freeway. I was a stress case and so thankful for the valium!

Our embabies!  The top on is the 6AA, the bottom is the almost 6AA :))

Day FIVE Embryo Update! IVF #3

You guys I'm in tears! After all we have been through years and years of trying, BFN's, two miscarriages, so many hoops, trials, two other IVF's, never once did we get one hatching blast on day five! I'm blown away a by the goodness of God, that he has given us some beautiful embryos....

👉🏻SIX hatching blasts
👉🏻TWO expanded
👉🏻SEVEN early
👉🏻FOUR morula's

My twins were and expanded blast and an early blast on day six! So I know the grading does not necessarily mean everything! But I know from this, that we are SO much closer to completing our family! I praise God so much for his faithfulness. He has never left my side.

We are transferring TWO at 10:30 tomorrow! Prayers that the right embryos get put back, and they take!


From Day three...
25 Fertilized
1 stopped dividing
3 aren't six cell yet
21 are 6-8 cells!

Twenty Five!!!! IVF #3

We've got embabies! Praise God!!!! I've really been praying, putting all of this in Gods hands! His will, not mine!

For IVF # 2 we were very concerned about having extra embryos. We had 37 eggs retrieved, but we only ICSI'd seven of them, from that we got five blasts! I was relieved that we only ICSI'd seven! However, my RE made me do a freeze all bc of my high E2 numbers. I had no idea what was going to come of it! I did not know that all we would get was two babies in heaven and three BFN's. It was a year of trials and heartbreak. We were planning on only doing one last IVF. We thought for sure it would have worked bc it did us the first time! IVF #1 we were given a 1% chance of working, but we found out our diagnosis and we were blessed with our twin boys!

This IVF # 3, we never planned on. I do feel the Lord has been leading us this whole time! I have felt his presence, his guidance. I am also very sure this is our last and final try to complete our family, baby or no baby.

Instead of trying to 'control' the outcome of our embryos, I am TRUSTING the Lord, that he knows what he is doing. The creator of life has them in His hands. I have let go and let God do his thing.
As hard as that is to do, I think that has been my biggest lesson during all of our Infertility struggles, letting go of control and TRUSTING in the creator! What a relief for us that we can do that! Let him carry our burdens and do all the work! :) thank you God for these 25 growing embryos! I trust in your great plan for them, and our family! 🙏🏻❤️ now #growgrowgrow

Sims day 8, 9, 10! IVF #3

So, I've started an IF Instagram if you want to follow me on there too (twinmommaSara_ttc)!  I'm posting on both places.  This one I'm more detailed on my emotions and what is going on with everything.  But, I post more on there... pics etc.  Instagram is has an amazing support group for infertility, IVF, and all things TTC.  The hashtag #IVFsisters is a great one to connect!  Its also fun following other sisters who are cycling the same time as you.

I added my fourth shot!  Here is my latest meds list:

5 iu lupron

1cc menaBURN (I say that bc it burns!)

1 cc HGH (Human Growth Hormone)

150 iu gonal-f 

This day was awesome.  I was still feeling good.  I had to go to the RE to have them mix up the Saizen (HGH) and get my third shot of the day in the morning.  When we (the boys and I) came back home, my friend Crystal came over with her kiddos.  It was such a beautiful day!  I heated up the pool for the kids to swim, while we lounged outside in the sun.  The pic above was taken at the boys t'ball game.  They were exhausted!  After the game they told me they didn't like baseball anymore, I honestly don't like it.  Its so demanding and my kids are only four!  I signed them up only for my husband who loves it!

I have one lead follicle measuring 20mm and another bunch measuring 16 and another bunch measuring 13.  Dr is going to ignore the lead follicle, pray it doesn't ovulate.  It shouldn't since i'm still on lupron.  We are going for the second bunch.  My E2 rose to 1900 so I'm starting the OHSS diet... staying away from carbs, sugars, and eating lots of fats, veggies, salt.  I'm adding himalayan salt to my water and drinking coconut water.

We went to a friend of the boys bday party.  I came home so exhausted! I started drinking the electrolyte water, but not the diet so much for lunch bc there weren't many options.  I cam home, my belly hurting and I was so tired.  Last night for dinner I just ate a burger no bun and salad.  I woke up feeling so much better.

Stims day 10!  This was from this morning.  I was hoping I would be ready to trigger, but I wasn't counting on it.  I've had to swim for 11 days the last two times.  Follicles are growing...

The one with the X is my lead follicle which is already at 26!  Its probably going to get over ripe ;)  but that is okay!  We are triggering tomorrow night!!!  I was thinking we were going to have less eggs, but I'm not so sure!  My Estrogen rose again from 1900 to 3200... OHSS here I come! :(  Just praying my diets helps!

 I will leave you with a pic from today of my free-spirited child, Maximus.  I just love him so much!

Stims Day SEVEN! IVF #3

I went in for another follicle and E2 check!  Still waiting for my E2 levels... praying they don't get too high!  But as for my follicles, my RE is very happy!  Everything is growing well and she keeps comparing this cycle with the one that worked!  I'm on much lower meds.  I was taking 225 iu of Gonal and now I'm only taking 150 iu.  Today my follicles (about 20 of them) were measuring 10mm to 13mm and one was at 15mm and lining was already at 10!

Starting tomorrow, I'm going in daily!  They want to closely monitor me and make sure I don't over stim.  Well actually, I am not going in for a monitoring appt, but they are going to show me how to mix and inject the HGH (Human Growth Hormone).  So starting tomorrow my poor belly will be taking FOUR injections a day :(  I'm getting so sensitive too.  I am hesitating with each shot because they are really starting to hurt.  I am full of tiny holes and bruises.

My RE thinks I will be ready for trigger Monday or Tuesday which will be 10 or 11 days of stims. ER will likely be Wednesday or Thursday!  Yippee!!!  I can't wait!

Today I'm feeling a bit headachy, with aching ovaries.  I'm also exhausted but that could just be from spending the whole day at Disneyland!  C is gone to Nevada for a work conference, so the boys and I have been staying busy... Aquarium Wednesday, Disney Thursday, and today rest! Zzzzzz....

I will admit, I've been having mixed emotions.  I was talking to one of my gf's about having more kids.  She is D-O-N-E and happy with her two girls.  At moments, I do feel like I could be done too and question myself trying again.  The boys are getting older and the thought of starting all over does worry me a bit.  I've also thought about the fact that we will likely have extra embryo's.  What will we do with them?  Traveling with two kids is a piece of cake, what if we have twins again?  Will we still be able to travel?  I do think part of the reason I want more is because I've only had one pregnancy and I've wanted to experience it one more time!  Not to mention I love my boys so freakin much, and I feel like I have more love to give!

In any regard, I am moving forward.  Looking forward to seeing what God will do... :)

I will update with my E2 level once I get the call

Stims Day FIVE! IVF #3

I took this pic after leaving my RE! I went in worried because I thought they didn't order me enough Gonal-F, but to my surprise my favorite nurse, Patty, blessed me with a FREE gonal-F pen! She had it saved for me because sometimes the reps come in with samples. So sweet! We are paying 100% out of pocket so this was sure a blessing and a huge surprise!

Everything is going great! Estrogen rose to from 71 Monday to 280 today, and I have at least 10 follies on each ovary measuring from 7-10mm :) I'm guessing 5-6 more days of stims, this is going quick!

Once they get to 14mm we are adding Saizen HGH  (Human Growth Hormone) for three days to help with egg quality, which will hopefully be this weekend! :) It's getting real ladies... And I'm gettin excited again. I've been just going through the motions, scared to get my hopes up to fail again. But we have to have hope, at least a little 🙏🏻❤️

My current meds...
AM: Lupron 5iu
        Menapur 1cc
PM: Gonal-F 150u (bumped up from 100 Monday after my 71 estrogen level)


Here are a few more pics of my week!

Mixing my MenaBURN!  I forgot how much this stuff burns!  I just inject super slow and its much better.

My mornings... ;)

Day 3 I woke up with a migraine.   Thankful for my littles who kept me company on the couch.  Its all those extra hormones!

I've been eating super clean!  Green juices daily!

GROWING THOSE EGGS!!!

Lets Do This! IVF#3

Just finished my last day of Lupron!  Woot woot!!

Lining Check... DONE!
Bloodwork... DONE!

See my twins behind the dildo cams?  They are such good boys!

I've been pretty good on the lupron except for the last few days.  I've been super emotional.  It has not helped that my brother and his girlfriend just announced that they are "accidentally" expecting.  Hearing my moms joy for this new baby to be just broke me.  Everyone knows what we have been through this past year, so much loss and heartbreak.  She knows we are going through IVF again.  It made me want to STOP sharing my story with anyone.  NO one gets the pain.  No one knows what its like to go through IF.  This just makes me want to keep it all in, and share with only my IVF and IF sisters.

Everyone is just so excited over this baby, which I know i will love too, but the timing couldn't be more terrible.  Here we are, married, doing what is 'right', and they accidentally get knocked up, while i go and give my self drugs, shots in the gut!  She didn't even want kids.  When I said congrats to her, she was like, 'haha ya thanks.'  She has no idea the gift she has been given.

My heart breaks, but I am holding on to a tiny bit of hope for us, for my boys, who are also praying a baby!

Tomorrow is going to be DAY 1 for stims!  Here is what my meds are...

AM-baby aspirin, 5iu lupron, 1 cc menopur

PM- 100iu gonal-f

Last IVF I stimmed for 11 days.  I'm guessing it will be about the same!

LETS DO THIS!

Day four of Lupron done!

IVF #3 is underway!  I received my box of meds (and it is STILL overwhelming seeing it all).  I took my last BCP two days ago and I'm on day four of Lupron.  I was feeling extremely exhausted and then I realized it was from the Claratin.  Dr. A had me start the antihistamine protocol again, but for how tired I was, I just had to stop!  I found THIS BLOG POST and I'm going to follow the protocol she gives from CCRM.  It is basically what my RE suggests, but starting it just before transfer...

The Claratin/pepcid protocol:
starting two days before transfer
5 mg prednisone twice a day (prescription steroid)
10 mg Claritin once a day
20 mg Pepcid in morning and at night

I have my prednisone prescription ready too!  

So, as for Egg Quality (and overall health), here is what I'm taking, 600 mg CoEnzymeQ10, Myo-Inositol, Vitamin D 5000iu, Garden of Life Raw Prenatals, Methyl-Folate, Prenatal DHA, baby asprin, Amazing Grass Green Superfood, and Vitamin C!  I was taking DHEA, but my face now looks like a 16 year old girl... totally broken out!  I quit that immediately!

One week from today I start my stims!  We are SOOOOO ready!  :)

The Joy of the Lord is My Strength!

I read this during my quiet time with the Lord and had to share!

"This is the sacred day before the Lord. Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength!" Nehemiah 8:10

What a great reminder! I had just got done asking God 'why' we are going through this trial, of loss (two miscarriages and still no baby), and heartbreak, and he reminded me that the 'why' wasn't important. Going through this I am still able to have so much Joy, hope and strength, for the Joy of the Lord of MY strength! What matters more than the 'why' of heartbreak, is that we put our hope and trust in the Lord through these trials! 

Each and everyone of us have our own struggles and trials in this life, but we can still have JOY and he will give us HIS strength to get through it! 

If you are going through something, like IF, I pray you put your hope and trust in the Lord, because he can make the broken pieces in our life beautiful!

UPDATES:

I'm on my second week of BCP's, still waiting for my biopsy report, which should be here any day.  Meds are ordered and I can't believe I will be starting Lupron at the end of the week for IVF #3!  This is getting real!

Moving Forward!!!

What wrench I was thrown! I was not planning on our 5aa not making the thaw, and I was not planning Having  feelings of trying again! Yup! We are doing one last IVF because we never even got a chance with this cycle! I can't believe it but I feel excited again! I guess I was so down about our 5aa was because that cycle totally did NOT go as planned! We didn't even get a chance!

Dr Amin wanted to talk to Dr R, my Original RE about The new plan prior to us beginning. I received a call from her this morning and Dr R wanted me to do a mock transfer with a biopsy next month to see what day my uterus is most receptive to transfer an embryo. All these transfers have been on day 6 of progesterone, when I got pregnant with the boys, they were transferred on day 7 of progesterone because they were rescue ICSI'd. They think possibly my uterus is more receptive after 7 days!

My heart sank because that would just push out this process even more! I would have to a 'pretend' fet, do the patches, and Shots to biopsy on day 6. Well I told her that is just too much! So she had me give myself a shot and come in today since today would be the day I transferred with the boys!

What a relief!! I gave myself another P4 shot (I have been doing them in the morning so I didn't miss a day), took some ibuprofen and went in for the biopsy. Not bad at all! A little cramps for a min and it was done! Phew! Not I should start my period this week some time, then the bcps!

We will be doing long lupron, but with a much lower dose of stims, and adding Human Growth Hormone when the follies get to 14mm to help with egg quality. Also, I'm going back to start taking some supplements from the list my RE gave me for egg quality.  Apparently less is more so we will be shooting for less eggs yet better quality.  I think that must be what the issue was, a bad batch of eggs. Dr. Amin mentioned that I have a TON of eggs but with so many the quality goes down.

I will get the results of my biopsy in two weeks, but we'll start the BCP's right away!

Also, we plan to do a fresh transfer of TWO embryos and PGS the rest, given we have some good one!

I have to say, I'm excited again!  Yesterday I wasn't even sad really, it was more of a relief!  I was so relieved that we didn't have to go through the 2ww torture, which I feel is the WORST part of the whole process!  It is so emotional and you get attached to what ever is put in you, hoping it's THE ONE(S)!

I was SO sure this last transfer was going to be it, but I didn't even get a chance to try ONE MORE TIME.  So this WILL be it folks!  Our official LAST IVF!  I know you are probably tired of me saying that! ;-)

Transfer is scheduled!!

Eeeek!  I'm excited... anxiously excited for MONDAY!  Yup!  That is just around the corner and will be here before we know it!

Lining was 11.8 today, nice and thick, and actually the thickest ever!  So I am [getting] super hopeful for this little guy or girl.  I gave myself my first shot in the bum today and I must have hit a sweet spot because I am already sore, super sore and it has a welt! Not fun but I'm praying this will be worth it this time.

I know God has a plan, I know he CAN do this, I am just praying he WILL.

Because of everything going on with this FET, we decided it would be best if I stayed home with the boys this year and not join my husband in Hawaii! C makes president club for his company every year and we have been so blessed to have take the boys the last four years!  The weather is not always great, last year was cold and rainy actually, so I hope I am not missing too much.

However, since C is gone for the next four days, I decided to hit San Diego with my boys, just us three.  We just checked into this BEAUTIFUL Spanish style hotel in La Jolla.  We are going to the Zoo tomorrow, and other than that I just want to rest!  I'm super exhausted, dizzy, and headachy from all the meds.

I just changed my E2 patches yesterday (still on 6), but  they are lowering it to four patches again friday (praise Jesus!), because I just don't feel well.  Dr. Amin thinks it has to do with the claritin, but I don't think so.  I felt fine until I started the patches!

I will leave you with a pic of my surfer boys I just took down in the lobby!  :)  Prayers appreciated that I will feel better AND for a major miracle!!!!  Thank you all!

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

Hope By a Thread... IVF#3 FET#1

I started AF two days ago, finally.  I had a 34 day cycle. Not too shabby for us with PCOS...  Last month it was a 30 day.  Just an update on taking Pregnitude, I have not taken it in over a year.  I do feel that it helped, but now I realize a clean, all natural diet is more prudent to keep my cycles regular and my weight in check.

I am in progress for my FET, CD 2 today.  Going for my day 3 blood work and u/s tomorrow.

I have to be honest, my heart still breaks.  My heart is so guarded.  I feel like I cannot get my hopes up with our 5AA.  I am having to stay distant or rather disconnected from this process.

Originally, I was thinking if this didn't take I may be up for one more IVF, but now, I think this may really be our last shot.

The thought of dragging this out anymore, pumping my body full of more hormones that I know are NOT good for me, is just to much for me to bare.

So this is me, holding on to hope by a thread, having faith that God knows what is best, and truly praying for a HUGE miracle.

Dr. Amin started me an antihistamine protocol a few weeks ago, per the other doctor I visited suggested it.  I am taking one pepcid and one claritin in the morning and one pepcid in the evening.  I do have horrible allergies so I'm hoping it helps.  I started my E2 patches on CD1.  Tentatively transfer is going to be March 9, lining check March 2.

Taken February 13, 2016 (9 years since our proposal). 

And then there was one... IVF #3

Sorry for the delay, I've been processing all that happened!

After our amazing 100% fertilization report, it all went south.  Saturday I got a call, not from the lab, but from Dr. Amin.  From my previous experience, I knew this wasn't good.   Apparently on day five we had ZERO embryo's good enough to biopsy, but three that could potentially make it on day six.

My heart broke. Again.

On one hand I am SO glad we used all of our eggs, on the other hand, why does this keep happening!?

Dr. Amin called Sunday, and she let know that we had ONE 5AA (I've never had a 5AA!), and that was all.  Ironically, I had been praying for (at least) ONE (normal) 5AA all week!  I even had it written in my kitchen so I would remember to pray about it when I saw it!  See...

We had to make a decision to test or not to test, to do another cycle to get more to test, or just transfer it.  I really wish my cycle was aligned because I would have just had them put it right in!

I talked to C about it.  He just wants to transfer it.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm excited.  I'm scared to death!  The thought of going through this again, not knowing if its even normal and we could miscarry... again... terrify's me.  But, we are going to transfer it next cycle, say a prayer and  cross our fingers.

All we were praying for was one healthy baby from this.  Could this be THE ONE!?!?

Houston, We Have Embryo's...

Yesterday went perfect!  We woke up at 630AM, got ready, made a green smoothie and some decaf green tea to go.  I had L come and watch the boys, who apparently slept in until 7:45 (They never do that for us!). We arrived at the Redondo Beach lab at 8:30.

We were called back at 8:45 by an embryologist I had never met before.  She brought us back, C signed some paperwork and showed proof it was him.  I mentioned that we had twins from rescue ICSI, and she paused for a minute and asked, "were they Christmas rescue ICSI?"  I responded "YES!"  She replied, "I heard about you guys!"  Awwwww... more proof that my twins are such Christmas miracles!  They are an amazing story!

Anyway, we went back to this tiny little room where I helped out my hubby a bit.  I figure, as least we get to do this part together!  There is no way, he would do that by himself.   I was really impressed with his sample, I think it was the most ever!  The last three or four months, he has really been cleaning up his diet, taking extra supplements, and working out again.  It must have helped!

I was told we would get a fertilization report this morning, but when I woke up I saw that I missed a call from them at 6:30 last night!  My heart was pounding when I went to listen to the voicemail!  Was she going to tell me all my eggs didn't make the thaw?  Or only a few? ahhhhh....  It was good news!  Out of the 27 eggs, 22 made the thaw, five died, but 22 made it and were ICSI'd!!!!  Praise Jesus!  I told Chris it was such a good thing we did all of them because originally he only wanted to do ten and then we would have potentially only had five!

I got my second call from them at 9:30am.  More good news!  Out of my 22 ICSI'd eggs, 22 fertilized!  Praise Jesus again!  We have 22 growing embryo's!!!!!!!

Today is day one, day three they will preform assisted hatching, day five, Saturday, I will get a call on  how many make it to blastocyst and which ones they will biopsy for PGS!  Day six, Sunday, I will get another call to see if I have any six day blastocysts to biopsy. This is so nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time!

Grow embryo's GROW!!!!!  Please pray pray pray!!!!

Moving Forward...

Where has the time gone!?  I hope you all had a very blessed holiday season!  Ours was busy, but memorable.  I was totally (okay not totally) checked out of IF, and was able to just be present with my family.  CHRISTmas with four year olds is a magical time and it is amazing to see it all through their eyes.

After CHRISTmas, we left the country and went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  After a year of IF treatments, my hubby and I SO needed this break!  It was amazing, reconnecting.  We brought the boys, of course and they are just getting more and more fun to travel and explore the world with!

While we were there on a boat, C looked over at me, while we were both holding a sleeping child in our arms, and said, "Alright, I'm ready for another baby." HA! It took having our two sweet boys who are just growing into such intelligent, loving and kind boys to make him REALLY desire another.  I mean this is such a roller coaster of emotion... this past year has been.  

Last month, I did blood work searching for something else that could potentially cause miscarriage, with Dr. Anderson. It came back showing that I had a positive SSA or Sjogrens syndrome, and also had low protein S, which is a blood clotting disorder.  My first reaction was, how the heck did I ever get pregnant and give birth to TWO beautiful little boys!?  And second, OMGosh my boys are SUCH miracles!  I really had to process all of this new info.  

I sent over my blood work to Dr. Amin to get her thoughts.  She wanted me to see a Rheumetologist prior to starting any more treatments, so I did.  The good news is that I have NO symptoms of sjogrens and the RA isn't worried at all.  The bad news is that for some reason, sjogrens can cause a heart block in growing fetus's in the womb!  However, she isn't really concerned because I have already had two babies just fine and I am asymptomatic.  She said, "If we tested everyone in the world for sometime, everyone would have something show up, even if they don't have symptoms."  However, knowing all of this, if I ever do get pregnant, I will need to see a perinatologist throughout my pregnancy, which I am totally okay with since I had to with my twins too!  I loved getting to see them grow so often!

Dr. Amin just retested the protein S to be sure it wasn't low from the miscarriage and it also came back normal! Praise God!

Last month I spent a lot of time in prayer, and processing all the info.  I just wanted a clear cut answer on what doctor to use... Dr. Anderson who has an 85% success rate, but will only transfer one embryo or Dr. Amin, who has a 75% success rate but will transfer two...  And if we should thaw 10 eggs or all 27 eggs!

Well one morning during my quiet time (when I read my bible and pray in a quiet place to hear Him speak), it all became very clear to me.  I was sure as ever and I still feel very confident in this decision.  I am sticking with Dr. Amin and we are thawing and fertilizing ALL 27 eggs.  I am very happy with this decision.  I am putting this all in Gods hands as I always do.  

It hit me that morning, that out of 29 eggs our first IVF, all we had were Rocco and Maximus, and NOTHING LEFT TO FREEZE.  We had two perfect embryos and that was all!  Now mind you, those were rescue icsi'd, but now my eggs are frozen!  We are putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak, and praying for a miracle... at least one healthy take home baby!

And when is this happening???  MONDAY!!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  We have to be there at 830 so they can ICSI the eggs with C's Sperm!  It is so exciting because I am not having to do an egg retrieval, we just show up to give his "goods!"

We will also be PGS testing the day five embryos and freezing.  I'm currently CD 8.  So transfer will be next cycle.

Please please PRAY that we get some good looking embryo's this week!  That all the eggs thaw perfectly! That we get at least one normal one... and for God's will most of all!  We are praying for one HEALTHY BABY! 

Thanks everyone! 

Decisions Decisions...

I had my consultation with the new potential RE today.

I wish I could say I left there feeling great about moving forward.  I don't.  I have a bit of anxiety about it, to be quite honest.  Now, don't get me wrong, Dr. Anderson is great.  He is very kind, made me feel comfortable, and even said, "I won't abandon you!"  Because I totally felt abandoned by Dr. R this last year.  Not totally his fault, however he warned me that he was moving, but still.  Never did I think this past year would end up like this.

So here is were I am struggling... We have 27 eggs.  How many do we ICSI?  What if we have left over embryo's... that are NORMAL!?  How do you decide what to do with them?  C made it VERY clear last night that he only wants to transfer one time.  If we have two normals, he would want to put them both in and call it a day.  Here is the problem.  Dr. Anderson will only do SET (single embryo transfers).  He said he has seen too many horrible outcomes with twin pregnancy's.  He said we were super lucky.  My other problem now is C.  He also made it veery clear that if we have two normals and we transfer one, we are are DONE.  He won't want to transfer the last one! I'm so at a loss!  What if we ended up with three?  I mean we could also end up zero!  HELP ME!

I asked Dr. A, "Now Knowing we only really want one or two, how many would you ICSI?" He said "All of them." What!?  That scares me to death!  He explained that because my eggs were frozen, the quality of them will not be as good, and because I overstimmed it could also effect quality.   He also said that for my age, and with fresh eggs, 1 out of 5 are normal. Hmmmm... so maybe we should do 10?

I don't know guys.  I feel very confused!  I have been praying all day for wisdom and discernment on this. If you have any wisdom, please share!

He is also sending me for blood work this week and wants me to do an office hysteroscopy Wednesday!  I'm CD 18 and there is no O in sight.  As for blood work, he is looking for other blood clotting disorders that may have caused the m/c.  My other RE's didn't do that!  I do believe he knows what he is doing.

I really wish God would just tell me clearly what to do.  I know he is my guide and I need to listen to my gut.  I am working on being in a quiet space when I pray.  This is a challenge with two littles, but it is a must!