In progress... IVF #3 FET #1

The estrogen is kicking my butt!  I've been exhausted and getting random headaches the last few days since upping my patches from two to four.  This usually doesn't happen. Usually I feel great, but then crash from all the hormones after a cycle is OVER.

Other than that, I have been TRING to stay busy and not think about this process to try to guard my heart from more heart break, but man is that hard!  I can't wait until lining check, next Wednesday!  I can't wait until transfer day!!  I can't wait to symptom spot (please God let this little one be it!)!

I am ALSO planning a trip, just in case, for July or August, to Greece, Italy or somewhere in Europe!  Not purchasing, just researching.  Traveling is in my blood, I love it!  I love to explore the world and all the different cultures.  We will be taking the boys too.  They LOVE to travel too!  Also, we are planning to visit my cousin next summer of 2017 in the Philippines.  She is a missionary there and I plan to take the family to help her on the mission field!

So, yes, I, no WE, desperately want this baby who is on our hearts, this baby that I felt God laid on our hearts.  Maximus just today asked for a baby sister again!  We so want our little 5AA, but I am also planning on our future as a complete family of four!

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

Hope By a Thread... IVF#3 FET#1

I started AF two days ago, finally.  I had a 34 day cycle. Not too shabby for us with PCOS...  Last month it was a 30 day.  Just an update on taking Pregnitude, I have not taken it in over a year.  I do feel that it helped, but now I realize a clean, all natural diet is more prudent to keep my cycles regular and my weight in check.

I am in progress for my FET, CD 2 today.  Going for my day 3 blood work and u/s tomorrow.

I have to be honest, my heart still breaks.  My heart is so guarded.  I feel like I cannot get my hopes up with our 5AA.  I am having to stay distant or rather disconnected from this process.

Originally, I was thinking if this didn't take I may be up for one more IVF, but now, I think this may really be our last shot.

The thought of dragging this out anymore, pumping my body full of more hormones that I know are NOT good for me, is just to much for me to bare.

So this is me, holding on to hope by a thread, having faith that God knows what is best, and truly praying for a HUGE miracle.

Dr. Amin started me an antihistamine protocol a few weeks ago, per the other doctor I visited suggested it.  I am taking one pepcid and one claritin in the morning and one pepcid in the evening.  I do have horrible allergies so I'm hoping it helps.  I started my E2 patches on CD1.  Tentatively transfer is going to be March 9, lining check March 2.

Taken February 13, 2016 (9 years since our proposal). 

And then there was one... IVF #3

Sorry for the delay, I've been processing all that happened!

After our amazing 100% fertilization report, it all went south.  Saturday I got a call, not from the lab, but from Dr. Amin.  From my previous experience, I knew this wasn't good.   Apparently on day five we had ZERO embryo's good enough to biopsy, but three that could potentially make it on day six.

My heart broke. Again.

On one hand I am SO glad we used all of our eggs, on the other hand, why does this keep happening!?

Dr. Amin called Sunday, and she let know that we had ONE 5AA (I've never had a 5AA!), and that was all.  Ironically, I had been praying for (at least) ONE (normal) 5AA all week!  I even had it written in my kitchen so I would remember to pray about it when I saw it!  See...

We had to make a decision to test or not to test, to do another cycle to get more to test, or just transfer it.  I really wish my cycle was aligned because I would have just had them put it right in!

I talked to C about it.  He just wants to transfer it.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm excited.  I'm scared to death!  The thought of going through this again, not knowing if its even normal and we could miscarry... again... terrify's me.  But, we are going to transfer it next cycle, say a prayer and  cross our fingers.

All we were praying for was one healthy baby from this.  Could this be THE ONE!?!?

Houston, We Have Embryo's...

Yesterday went perfect!  We woke up at 630AM, got ready, made a green smoothie and some decaf green tea to go.  I had L come and watch the boys, who apparently slept in until 7:45 (They never do that for us!). We arrived at the Redondo Beach lab at 8:30.

We were called back at 8:45 by an embryologist I had never met before.  She brought us back, C signed some paperwork and showed proof it was him.  I mentioned that we had twins from rescue ICSI, and she paused for a minute and asked, "were they Christmas rescue ICSI?"  I responded "YES!"  She replied, "I heard about you guys!"  Awwwww... more proof that my twins are such Christmas miracles!  They are an amazing story!

Anyway, we went back to this tiny little room where I helped out my hubby a bit.  I figure, as least we get to do this part together!  There is no way, he would do that by himself.   I was really impressed with his sample, I think it was the most ever!  The last three or four months, he has really been cleaning up his diet, taking extra supplements, and working out again.  It must have helped!

I was told we would get a fertilization report this morning, but when I woke up I saw that I missed a call from them at 6:30 last night!  My heart was pounding when I went to listen to the voicemail!  Was she going to tell me all my eggs didn't make the thaw?  Or only a few? ahhhhh....  It was good news!  Out of the 27 eggs, 22 made the thaw, five died, but 22 made it and were ICSI'd!!!!  Praise Jesus!  I told Chris it was such a good thing we did all of them because originally he only wanted to do ten and then we would have potentially only had five!

I got my second call from them at 9:30am.  More good news!  Out of my 22 ICSI'd eggs, 22 fertilized!  Praise Jesus again!  We have 22 growing embryo's!!!!!!!

Today is day one, day three they will preform assisted hatching, day five, Saturday, I will get a call on  how many make it to blastocyst and which ones they will biopsy for PGS!  Day six, Sunday, I will get another call to see if I have any six day blastocysts to biopsy. This is so nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time!

Grow embryo's GROW!!!!!  Please pray pray pray!!!!

Moving Forward...

Where has the time gone!?  I hope you all had a very blessed holiday season!  Ours was busy, but memorable.  I was totally (okay not totally) checked out of IF, and was able to just be present with my family.  CHRISTmas with four year olds is a magical time and it is amazing to see it all through their eyes.

After CHRISTmas, we left the country and went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  After a year of IF treatments, my hubby and I SO needed this break!  It was amazing, reconnecting.  We brought the boys, of course and they are just getting more and more fun to travel and explore the world with!

While we were there on a boat, C looked over at me, while we were both holding a sleeping child in our arms, and said, "Alright, I'm ready for another baby." HA! It took having our two sweet boys who are just growing into such intelligent, loving and kind boys to make him REALLY desire another.  I mean this is such a roller coaster of emotion... this past year has been.  

Last month, I did blood work searching for something else that could potentially cause miscarriage, with Dr. Anderson. It came back showing that I had a positive SSA or Sjogrens syndrome, and also had low protein S, which is a blood clotting disorder.  My first reaction was, how the heck did I ever get pregnant and give birth to TWO beautiful little boys!?  And second, OMGosh my boys are SUCH miracles!  I really had to process all of this new info.  

I sent over my blood work to Dr. Amin to get her thoughts.  She wanted me to see a Rheumetologist prior to starting any more treatments, so I did.  The good news is that I have NO symptoms of sjogrens and the RA isn't worried at all.  The bad news is that for some reason, sjogrens can cause a heart block in growing fetus's in the womb!  However, she isn't really concerned because I have already had two babies just fine and I am asymptomatic.  She said, "If we tested everyone in the world for sometime, everyone would have something show up, even if they don't have symptoms."  However, knowing all of this, if I ever do get pregnant, I will need to see a perinatologist throughout my pregnancy, which I am totally okay with since I had to with my twins too!  I loved getting to see them grow so often!

Dr. Amin just retested the protein S to be sure it wasn't low from the miscarriage and it also came back normal! Praise God!

Last month I spent a lot of time in prayer, and processing all the info.  I just wanted a clear cut answer on what doctor to use... Dr. Anderson who has an 85% success rate, but will only transfer one embryo or Dr. Amin, who has a 75% success rate but will transfer two...  And if we should thaw 10 eggs or all 27 eggs!

Well one morning during my quiet time (when I read my bible and pray in a quiet place to hear Him speak), it all became very clear to me.  I was sure as ever and I still feel very confident in this decision.  I am sticking with Dr. Amin and we are thawing and fertilizing ALL 27 eggs.  I am very happy with this decision.  I am putting this all in Gods hands as I always do.  

It hit me that morning, that out of 29 eggs our first IVF, all we had were Rocco and Maximus, and NOTHING LEFT TO FREEZE.  We had two perfect embryos and that was all!  Now mind you, those were rescue icsi'd, but now my eggs are frozen!  We are putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak, and praying for a miracle... at least one healthy take home baby!

And when is this happening???  MONDAY!!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  We have to be there at 830 so they can ICSI the eggs with C's Sperm!  It is so exciting because I am not having to do an egg retrieval, we just show up to give his "goods!"

We will also be PGS testing the day five embryos and freezing.  I'm currently CD 8.  So transfer will be next cycle.

Please please PRAY that we get some good looking embryo's this week!  That all the eggs thaw perfectly! That we get at least one normal one... and for God's will most of all!  We are praying for one HEALTHY BABY! 

Thanks everyone! 

Decisions Decisions...

I had my consultation with the new potential RE today.

I wish I could say I left there feeling great about moving forward.  I don't.  I have a bit of anxiety about it, to be quite honest.  Now, don't get me wrong, Dr. Anderson is great.  He is very kind, made me feel comfortable, and even said, "I won't abandon you!"  Because I totally felt abandoned by Dr. R this last year.  Not totally his fault, however he warned me that he was moving, but still.  Never did I think this past year would end up like this.

So here is were I am struggling... We have 27 eggs.  How many do we ICSI?  What if we have left over embryo's... that are NORMAL!?  How do you decide what to do with them?  C made it VERY clear last night that he only wants to transfer one time.  If we have two normals, he would want to put them both in and call it a day.  Here is the problem.  Dr. Anderson will only do SET (single embryo transfers).  He said he has seen too many horrible outcomes with twin pregnancy's.  He said we were super lucky.  My other problem now is C.  He also made it veery clear that if we have two normals and we transfer one, we are are DONE.  He won't want to transfer the last one! I'm so at a loss!  What if we ended up with three?  I mean we could also end up zero!  HELP ME!

I asked Dr. A, "Now Knowing we only really want one or two, how many would you ICSI?" He said "All of them." What!?  That scares me to death!  He explained that because my eggs were frozen, the quality of them will not be as good, and because I overstimmed it could also effect quality.   He also said that for my age, and with fresh eggs, 1 out of 5 are normal. Hmmmm... so maybe we should do 10?

I don't know guys.  I feel very confused!  I have been praying all day for wisdom and discernment on this. If you have any wisdom, please share!

He is also sending me for blood work this week and wants me to do an office hysteroscopy Wednesday!  I'm CD 18 and there is no O in sight.  As for blood work, he is looking for other blood clotting disorders that may have caused the m/c.  My other RE's didn't do that!  I do believe he knows what he is doing.

I really wish God would just tell me clearly what to do.  I know he is my guide and I need to listen to my gut.  I am working on being in a quiet space when I pray.  This is a challenge with two littles, but it is a must!