pictures

We made it!  WE are a family of five and our baby making days are over!  Praise the Lord!

Traumatic Birth Story

For over three years we tried to have one more baby after our twins. We had four miscarriage and tons of heartbreak. Finally, God blesses us. We thought the trial was over, he was finally almost here. After all we went through I wanted the least amount of interventions possible, a natural VBAC (we had breech twins at 35 weeks 6 years prior). I knew I could do it! I love the class here. I learned so much! I ate my dates, started drinking RRL tea second trimester, and increasing to 3 cups a day around 35 weeks. I felt good baby was good. 

At 37 weeks baby boy flipped breech! I immediately came home did spinning babies and he flipped right back head down! I had kept praying “please give me the birth that is safest for us both” so I figured head down was a go for my vbac. 

At 38 +5 weeks, I got bronchitis and had to get on Antibiotics. I noticed I had started losing my mucus plug the couple days earlier. That night I wiped and there was blood mixed in! I thought for sure it was going to happen soon. The next day I felt so much better from the medication, so we were okay if labor started. 

38+6. It was about 10 pm a heard a pop and then a HUGE gush. My water broke. It was not a trickle. A gush like you see in the movies. I couldn’t believe it! I went to the bathroom and within 10 min I had to go poop twice! It was go time! I was starting to have contractions. I made myself another RRL tea with three bags, got my labor oils. I was contracting regularly with that tea. We went to the hospital. 

Once all checked in, of course my contractions died down and were sporadic. They had me walk the halls. Nothing. I wanted to avoid interventions, especially pit. By 6am I was only 1 centimeter dilated and bc of the time, and vbac they started me on pitocin. I knew at that point my birth preferences were out the window. I walked the halls for two hours then I found the birth ball. I LOVED that ball. It felt so good rocking through the contractions. 

I had to use the bathroom, I came out and the nurse was there concerned. Baby had a major decel and wasn’t recovering. She had me go on all fours, O2, lay on side etc. finally he started doing better. But then that continued every so often. He was not loving the contractions at all. She recommended the epidural bc I was high risk and he wasn’t doing well, so I got it. 

We also had to keep shutting off Pit and restarting so it just dragged every thing out. We basically stopped and had to restart labor many times. 

Baby continued to have decels. As a last resort, they inserted a catheter into my uterus and filled it with saline to relieve him since they figured it was a cord issue... it worked. Finally I was progressing and baby was doing great!

Once I got to five centimeters I started progressing quickly. But we were coming on the 24 hour mark. I started getting a fever. My doctor pressed on knowing I really wanted a vaginal birth. 

I finally got to ten centimeters. I pushed for 30 minutes really well. They had me wait for the doctor to get there because baby was right there. All of a sudden I started having major pain. Like a burning pain. They said it was because baby was right there. But it was horrible and did not feel right. Doctor came in and two pushes later Maverick Lucca was born blue with the cord wrapped two times around his neck at 4:03AM January 7, 2018. Daddy cut the cord and They put him on me and he was hot! He also got a fever and was 103! Thankfully he recovered quickly.

Right after delivery the pain continued! I said “why am I still in pain? It’s supposed to go away after I deliver!” They checked my uterus it was firm, checked for bleeding, I wasn’t. But I laid there in agony, I started saying “help me, help me, the pain is so bad, help me.” They decided to give me more epidural! I asked if it was my uterus rupturing. I asked why more drugs after delivery. This didn’t make sense. 

I obviously felt better with more drugs. I nursed my baby and got the skin on skin. Almost two hours later, I was being closely monitored, I was bleeding out, with blood pressure of 50/30. I was dying! A team of people rushed in and they did an ultrasound to see I was bleeding internally. I was wheeled out immediately. Before being knocked out I said “please just don’t let me die, please don’t let me die!”

I woke up at 9am in ICU. I found out I had a partial hysterectomy (they saved my ovaries and cervix) to save my life. Luckily it was our last baby anyway. I was doing well, recovering. 

The following day began the downhill spiral.
When I had my hysterectomy, my doctor (who was the on call OB), left my two main arteries open and I started bleeding internally again! I developed a football size hematoma and looked nine months and pregnant. I had to have another surgery to save my life, again! A radiologist went in through my groin to close off my arteries. They did successfully!

I was sent home with a belly full of blood.
This started the domino effect of problems. A few days since being sent home, I started bleeding which turned into hemorrhaging. I went back to the hospital and was admitted. Radiology came and inserted a drain into my abdomen and they drained 2 liters of blood. Five days later I was sent home again. 

A few days later I developed a fever and returned to the hospital, this time septic. I developed an infection by a hole left at the top of my vagina (again by the on call doctor who did my first surgery). I was admitted immediately and was put on a septic protocol and started IV antibiotics. Five days later I was sent home for the third time. This time we thought for sure for the last time. 

With a pic line in place, major antibiotics, I thought for sure I would be healed. But no. A few days later, at home, my csection scar began to open up and started oozing. It was gross. I went in again and was admitted and I had another fever. I had surgery the following day. This time with my OB and and general surgeon/plastic surgeon. When they went in, they were shocked what they found. All my major organs were covered in pus. They had to open me up completely to clean it out. 

In the past I would have been very upset to have such a gnarly scar. But you get to the point you are just thankful to be alive! 

But we did finally get our baby I’ve prayed so long for! We are so thankful for him, our beautiful boy sent from above, Maverick Lucca. I’ve been home now for two and a half weeks. 

The last picture is the one that saved my life. It was not planned to be cut open completely, but the infection spread and I needed to get completely cleaned out. It has become my testimony of the goodness of God...

And THIS is my testimony of the goodness of God. Even through this, my battle wounds... God is SO faithful! I literally was on my deathbed four different times. My at home nurse told me yesterday, “I honestly don’t know how you made it.” It was because of so many of you! I had SO SO many people praying for me, people I don’t know, people in other states, coming together IN PRAYER, as I fought for my life. NO, I am NOT going to be ashamed of this scar. This scar is a testimony of the goodness of my for real God, who NEVER left my side. This scar will be a constant reminder of what I battled, how I fought to be alive for my children. This scar, my battle wound, will be a reminder of answered prayers. I am finally on the path to healing and I praise Jesus, for he is so good to me... even through this. I will NOT be ashamed. I am a walking testimony.

on the way to the hospital  after my water broke!

Thank you for those that prayed for me!

Maverick Lucca born at 4:03am Jan. 7, 2018

I woke up in ICU the following day.  

our beautiful Maverick

cont' on next post

I finally got clearance...

to wean from prednisone!  I officially cheated, and started weaning 2.5 mg SLOWLY at almost 24 weeks, because originally they told me everyone weans between 20-24 weeks.  Then they had me wait til my labs were done... blah blah blah!   Prednisone is the worst drug I have ever been on!  It is definitely a love/hate relationship because I firmly believe we would not have this miracle without it, but the side effects... rapid heart rate, moon face, excess hair on face (I got my face waxed 3 times and I might need one more!), etc.  Its horrible!  I cannot wait to look like myself again!  Currently at 22.5 mg from 30 mg and I will be 26 weeks tomorrow! YAY!!!

But I have to admit I do get worried.  My ANA's (Anti-nuclear antibodies) were higher than they would like, 99.33 when they should be less than 20.  When you google about this, of course HORRIBLE things pop up, which I cannot even repeat here.  I'm still trusting God, that he is going to protect our little bambino.

Last night I was drawing my boys a bath and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...so thankful for this growing basketball... I mean BABY BUMP!  God is good!

Where has the time gone... SO many updates!

13 weeks have come and gone... so fast! I'm so sorry I've been MIA!  I am sure some of you may have thought the worst, but thankfully we are all doing well!

After my last post at 12 weeks, we shared our BIG news with the world...

After every storm, there is a RAINBOW of HOPE

With the greatest joy and humbled hearts, we are so beyond blessed to announce that we are expecting our rainbow baby BOY, due January 13, 2018.

The four white roses represent our angel babies in heaven.  We will never forget them or this journey. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, as we know how precious life is, and this miracle baby the Lord has blessed us with.  And for those of you who have prayed so fervently for us, Thank you.

"I did not give up waiting for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.  he lifted me up out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.  He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see what he has done and be amazed.  They will put their trust in the Lord."  

Psalms 40:1-3

We had an outpouring of love, prayers and support.  It was overwhelming.  I was in tears after sharing... because it is scary putting it all out there.  But this is our story and I want God to get the glory!

And Where Are We Now?
Its hard to believe that 13 weeks has flown by!  I'm now 25 weeks pregnant! Praise God!  I'm feeling him kick, roll, and nudge me all the time now!

The first time I felt him I was ALMOST 13 weeks. I know earlier than with the twins!  I didn't believe it myself at first, but there was little popcorn popping in my tummy! It would come and go, some times I wouldn't feel it for days... then I would worry!  I ended up purchasing a doppler... BEST. THING. EVER. It took all my worry away. After RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss), you are damaged. I of course, remind myself constantly of what the Lord said the morning of our transfer, "Trust Me Anyway..."  That has been the BEST thing for this pregnancy, because things are constantly going wrong.

At my 16 week appointment, my OB, for what seemed like the hundredth time, pushed more testing on me.  I reluctantly took the forms.  With my twins, I never did any testing, knowing we wouldn't terminate the pregnancy if something was wrong.  I didn't want to do any testing with this pregnancy either for the same reason and plus I know these tests are wrong all the time and give mothers undue stress.

 I ended up taking my second trimester screening test, just to get my OB off my back.  He called me two weeks later and said our test was positive for down syndrome.  Our anatomy scan was due the following week so he suggested I call them to let them know our test results and schedule a genetic counseling appointment. I was in tears. Praying. Having my friends pray for me and our baby.

C and I talked about it. Chose to NOT go to the counseling appointment, but believe and trust God, that either way, a baby with DS or not, THIS IS OUR BABY.  We did not want to do any further testing and of course we would not terminate.  PLUS, our little one was a genetically NORMAL embryo.  This just shows you how wrong these tests can be.

We went to our anatomy scan, and there were ZERO soft markers that would flag there was a problem or possibility of DS.  He looked perfect, measured 8 oz at 18 weeks.

After all the stress from that blood test, it ended up being a good thing that we did it!  Maybe it was a God thing! The reason the test flared positive is that I have some proteins in the placenta that can cause IUGR (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction) later in pregnancy.  It tends to happen more closer to third trimester.  Of course, again, I worried and prayed like crazy, and again was reminded to, "Trust Him Anyway..."  

Because of our history of RPL and Maximus being so small, 3 lbs 12 oz at 35 weeks, and he started veering off the track at my 30 week appointment, our perinatologist is now monitoring us closely!  I go for a growth scan every four weeks, just like I did with my twins!  Because we didn't do any testing with the twins, it makes me wonder if that is what happened with Maximus' placenta, or was it my whacky immune system attacking it, or was it just a twin thing?  We will never know, but I'm thankful for the extra monitoring.  I go every two weeks, alternating my OB, and now perinatologist.

At my 22 week appointment, our little rainbow measuring right on track again, at 1 lb 1 oz...  And this face... Soooo in love!  I could stare at it all day!  One HUGE benefit of going to the peri,  next to making sure my baby is safe, is getting 3D ultrasounds! Seeing this face makes it so much more real! There is a real baby in there... 

We can't figure out who he looks more like, Rocco or Maximus.  The picture above, he looks just like Rocco, even acts like him!  He is always SO mellow, sleeping in every ultrasound!  He was covering his face the whole time!  I have yet to see him kick around, although I do feel him  so much more now, thankfully!

All my immune stuff is going well.  I just did labs last week and should get the results again tomorrow about my next IVIG.  The last few months I only needed one infusion. I had to wait to start weening fro the prednisone because my ANA's and APA's were still elevated.  My face is SO puffy and I feel so horribly unattractive from them, but they have helped give us our miracle.  I'm not taking too many selfies these days, but I just started weening from them!  I read it takes getting down to 10-15mg to where I will notice a difference in the moon face. I'm going down super slow... 2.5 a week so I don't flare and have any issues.  I'm at 22.5mg a day still.  

Here is the latest bump date, taken yesterday.  I'm not looking at the camera, because honestly, my face is SO puffy.  I'm glad I didn't blow up everywhere else!

Total weight gain so far, 18 lbs!  I feel GREAT!  I LOVE being pregnant!  I am SO thankful for this miracle and second chance!  All the glory to God!

12 weeks 1 day

Eeeek!  Has it already been almost three weeks since my last post?  I'm so sorry!  I hope I didn't worry anyone!  All is well over here!  No news can = good news :)

The last couple weeks we have been so busy!  We had our annual family reunion camping trip up in El Capitan, which is  20 min past Santa Barbara.  It was so much fun!  It is so gorgeous up there!

Before we left, I had my final appointment with my RE and was released. Had my first appointment with OB. All went well!

Today I'm 12 weeks 1 day!  Thank you LORD for this amazing milestone! 

How I'm feeling... so grateful to be at this point. I never thought we would again, but God is so faithful! I have been SO exhausted lately! I keep thinking it is going to get better but the last couple weeks, 10-12, I've been more tired than ever! I'm ready for bed at 6:30 and can barely stay awake to watch a show! We are binge watching The Walking Dead! Amazing show, we are now on season 6. It super entertaining and I can't stay awake for it the last couple weeks! 

I'm still having some food aversions and smells are still strong for me. But no morning sickness. 

Yesterday, we took our announcement photos and should have them in a few days. I'm not sure when I will be ready to share them with The world, however. We have our 12 week ultrasound Wednesday, so maybe sometime after that. I'm a little terrified, but I know I will be until our little babe is born, so there really isn't a good time, anything can happen any time! Just trying to trust God that this IS our rainbow 🌈 take home baby! 

The only people who know are those who have prayed fervently for us the last few years, and who continue to do so! I knew I would need support no matter what happened. 

It's definitely getting hard to hide this bump any longer, but I'm still in that awkward in between 

Stage... "is she packing on the pounds or pregnant?" My pants and shorts are definitely snug and I don't like pressure on my abdomen, so I unbutton my pants a lot. 

We are just so thankful and humbled that we are to this point. When almost all hope was lost, God has truly blessed us! Never give up hope, put your hope in Jesus! 

NINE Weeks One Day!

Sorry for the delay! All is well over here, and our little baby boo is still cooking with no sign of ANYTHING wrong! No spotting, or bleeding, you know I ALWAYS check each time I go to the bathroom and I'm pleasantly surprised when there is nothing! This is what happens after RPL, you are scarred, and always expecting the worst.

Monday was our 8 week ultrasound. I was 8 weeks 2 days. I was nervous, of course, but thankfully my symptoms are giving me some peace of mind. I also decided to measure around my tummy for piece of mind since I'm not getting weekly u/s like I did with the twins.  May 24, around my belly button, I measured 32", then June 3, I measured 34"! Less than two weeks and I gained two inches, so I knew this little babe was growing! Although I know it's all bloat... and my daily cereal! I'm obsessed with Barbara's oat squares and almond milk. Same one I ate when I was pregnant with the boys! So funny! But I'm still weighing in at 138.6 as of yesterday, at 9 weeks. So I'm up 1.5 lbs. not too bad! I was much more starving with twins, gaining 13 lbs by week 13 and waking up in the middle of the night to eat! This pregnancy is SOOOOO much easier so far!

I started working out this week too! We have a little garage gym, and I found some pregnancy workout videos on YouTube! They are only like 25-30 min, and perfect! I'm home with the boys and hate going to the gym! I do want to find a yoga class to take once a week however! I LOVED taking prenatal yoga with the boys.

Taken 7 weeks 6 days.  I did my first workout, a yoga video I had!  It felt SO good!

Our last appointment with my RE is next Monday and I will be 10weeks 2 days. But they had me contact my OB and set an appointment, which will be this Friday! I'm going back to the same OB who delivered my twins. I'm excited bc I really want to have a vbac and he is 100% supportive of them is known at the hospital for being pro vbac! I'm a good candidate too! My mom had amazing births, longest was six hours, I being her last was born in less than an hour, almost in the parking lot! Praying I get to experience that and have a golden hour, skin on skin, with our baby! I cry thinking about it!

I'm still on progesterone and E2 shots.  They had be stop the PIO, at 7 weeks 6 days, and have me do crinone twice a day, but I've been cheating and adding an extra dose!  My progesterone was only 16 at my 8 week check up!  With my twins it was 60!  They "aren't concerned" because the suppositories go "strait to the source" but I'm sorry, I'm not!  We only have one week left of them, which is SOOO exciting, however!

I did my repeat labs Wednesday for our immune workup!  Will get results tomorrow to determine my next IVIG dose.  Praying all is still suppressed and our little one is protected!  I go in for an infusion Wednesday.

We are still waiting to announce this miracle to the world until 12 weeks or later. But I ordered a onesie that I want to use as a prop and I'm so excited it came! Going to schedule something in the next few weeks to take a few shots of the boys holding it with hubby and I.

Our little baby boo at 8 weeks 2 days, measuring 8 weeks 2 days and a beautiful heart beat of 149! Praise the LORD!

Each day, is a blessing. I can't believe we made it to nine weeks so far! God is so good!  After all these years and tears, we have our rainbow baby on the way! Never give up hope!

And please ladies, keep praying for our little babe, we need all the prayers we could get! xoxo, Sara

For this Child we have prayed...

I'm six weeks six days today, tomorrow SEVEN WEEKS!  I have not been able to say that since I was pregnant with my twins!  God is so good!

Monday was our ultrasound, to say that I was nervous, would be an understatement.  After so much loss, its like I'm just waiting for bad news.  But, its a miracle...

As of Monday, I was 6 weeks and 2 days and our little peanut was measuring 6 weeks 1 day and had a beautiful heartbeat of 113! I was in tears. After 2 1/2 years ttc #3, two IVF's, seven transfers, four miscarriages, so many tears, begging and pleading with God, and finally surrendering to His perfect will, even if that didn't include any more children, he blessed us.

Each day is such a blessing, and I really beginning to believe this WILL BE OUR RAINBOW baby! My pregnancy symptoms are getting stronger.  Today I was very nauseated until I ate something and may appetite is really off... or Im starving.  My stomach bloat is out of control... and I only have one baby!  I haven't gained any weight yet, I fluctuate between 136 or 137.  This is shocking to me since I'm on STEROIDS of all things.

We go back at 8 weeks for ultrasound  # 2.  I honestly thought I would be having more, like I did with the twins, but I don't want them.  They are a source of major anxiety.  Although, I continue to do my best to cast all my anxieties over to the Lord.... I know this little one is in his hands!

Still pregnant... 5 weeks 4 days!

It is a miracle really.  I can't believe I'm sitting here, sore boobs, growing swollen belly (all baby bloat!) that doesn't go down, hungry as ever with cravings... still pregnant.

This coming Monday is our first ultrasound.  I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't terrified, because I am.  Although all my symptoms do give me comfort, the 'what if's' do pop in my head now and again.

I am still telling myself what I felt like God was saying to me... Trust me anyway!  I think that is going to be my motto for the entire pregnancy, God willing we make it!

Since my last BETA, I ran out of tests.  And I haven't picked up anymore.  I thought for sure I would still be testing, but I do rest in how i'm feeling.

Starting around four weeks and a day, my appetite began to increase a bit and I started craving more red meat.  Since I'm allergic to eggs (miracle in my health and why I think I'm still pregnant!), I've been eating meat for breakfast!  Sweet foods are just not filling me up!  No more protein shakes and greens, yuck!  Here is my breakfast today...

Meatballs, marinara and a side of pickled spicy vegetables!

Mothers day we drove up to Santa Barbara for a mini vacation.  C had to work, but the boys and I tagged along.  It was beautiful!  We had a great time.  

SB is like foodie heaven!  There are so many great organic/gluten free restaurants to choose from.  These pics are on the pier and we went to the little aquarium.  Its super cute... almost as cute as my boys!  (Maximus on left, Rocco on right)

The crazy thing about being on prednisone, is that it is supposed to mask morning sickness and fatigue.  I do get a little tired at times, but honestly I am doing pretty good!  I was also waiting to gain a ton of weight, and I've LOST weight (now maintaining).  Everywhere I read is that you get "moon face" from it.  So far so good in that dept.

I made a "FAITH PURCHASE" I couldn't help myself! We walked into the cutest toy/baby store down town. I thought "what the heck.." I am buying this in faith, believing this is going to be our take home rainbow baby. And, I just received my lab reports from my immunologist. Everything is looking GREAT, and he only wants me doing one day of IVIG this month! Praise God! (Before transfer I did 2 days back to back.) and that will save us 2k! 

I have hope! And BTW, my kids know. We talk about everything. They know about my losses. I am very open with them (on their level of course). But Maximus said today, "Mommy, God told me you are having a boy and this baby isn't going to die." I never told them the gender. Oohhhh Lord, I pray this is our Rainbow 

Organic 

I went and did my one day of IVIG today... $2,200 later :(  But, anything for my growing bun!  Its working so of course

we have to!

I will leave you with a belly shot... its not pretty!  This is a heparin tummy...

I already have a pooch! Although not sure if you can tell here!

I took this one at five weeks exactly...

Please continue to pray for us.  I'm praying every time I think of it, Lord, please protect this little life <3 p="">

Blood is drawn!

Its been three days since my last beta.  Not sure why they do it every three days instead of two.  Its so much easier to calculate two, I think.  But, I'm so nervous!  Anxiously waiting the result.

I'm homeschooling Rocco and Maximus this year, but they have been going to a homeschool campus and taking classes.  Let me tell you, trying to teach twins is no easy feat.  However, this year has been such a blessing in growth and direction for all of us.  I really felt that God led us down the road to homeschooling.  However, next year, they are going to be at a local Christian school, I am SOOO excited about!  It is an amazing school, Christ centered.

I decided to finish up May just homeschooling at home, no more classes.  So to pass the time of the BETA results, we had a beautiful day at the nature center in Newport Beach.  Its 1:52 here, and I feel like I should be getting a call any minute!

Here are a few pics from our day...

And last but not least... MORE POAS... ;-)

Beta #1 @ 12 dpt = 291

Beta #2 @ 15 dpt = ???

BETA #2 is... 997!!!!!

I was shooting for 900, so I will take it!  Looks like our little bean is growing right on track!  The bad news is that my Progesterone was only 8.2, so I'm now going to be adding nightly PIO, but anything for this little miracle!  Praise Jesus!

BETA DAY

Sorry I haven't updated.  It has not been the smoothest 2WW.

 The morning of transfer, I woke up at about 5 am.  I wanted to go have my quiet time.  Today was a big day, and C and I decided it was likely going to be the last time we are going to do this regardless of the outcome (although we have said that many times).  But for some reason, this time it felt more real.  I sat down with my bible and devotion and opened to todays devotional and the heading was TRUST ME ANYWAY.  It was the perfect thing for me to read that morning and honestly the only way I could get through this 2ww.  I'm just going to share my instagram post I wrote that morning...

"I took this picture a few months ago on my way to a hair appointment. The sunset was just so gorgeous that I literally had to pull over the car to capture it. I thanked God for making such a beautiful sunset. Sometimes it seems like they happen at the perfect time, like they were painting just for... me! Do you ever feel that way?

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading in a devotional I actually bought for my kiddos. It brought tears to my eyes. The heading was "Trust Me Anyway" it was like he was speaking directly to me! 

And then the verse... "I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!" John 16:33

God doesn't promise us a problem free life, but he does promise to be with us through the storms. One thing is for certain, when my faith was tested through this journey and our four miscarriages, He NEVER let me go, even when I wanted to. He hung on to me when my faith hung on by a thread. Now, even through SO much heartache, I can stand firm in his love for me. I may never understand the why we had to go through this trial, but Lord, I do trust you anyway."

Transfer went smoothly.  Everything happened as it should.  Usually, I am a nervous wreck, anxiety is at a all time high, but this time was different.  I was calm, relaxed even.  I usually want to go strait home on bedrest, but this time, C and I went out to lunch!  We stopped by a new little restaurant called Eat Chow.  And because everyone always eat Mc Donald's Fries afterward (I just can't do that knowing how many chemicals are in their food!), we ordered some truffle garlic fries instead! OMGosh SO delish!

Then, I went home on bedrest.

Dr. P requires strict bedrest is required for three days (I only did two days with my twins).  The next morning, however, I woke up with a UTI of all things.  I tried to get someone to call in a prescription for me, but no one would.  First I was sent to my labcorp, but they couldn't test with a dip stick, only culture. So, Finally I ended up in urgent care, got my usual macrobid, and went back home.  I was terrified to take an antibiotic thinking it would kill the embryo, but I also didn't want a kidney infection.  I had to remind myself of what I felt God was telling me, "Trust me anyway!"

It cleared up right away, but on the second day, I ended up with a rash all over my abdomen.  It was the macrobid!  I have taken it many times before but now i'm allergic! Great!  My body is attacking the embryo!  TRUST ME ANYWAY!  I stopped the Macrobid after the second day, the third day, the rash was all over my face! Oh this is terrible, I am sure this cycle is a BUST.  TRUST ME ANYWAY!

Pray. Wait. Trust.

Dr's wanted me to take a STRONGER antibiotic Cipro, but since I wasn't having any more UTI symptoms, I decided not to take it.  I picked up a natural alternative called D-Mannose.  I started taking that every three hours when I stopped the macrobid.  Apparently it worked!

My symptoms started 3dp6dt:  Major bloat, sore boobs on the sides, heaviness  and pulling in uterus. I feel like as soon as implantation happens, I get this pooch!  It has progressively gotten bigger and bigger all week!

4dp6dt, I got a squinter on a FRER.  I mean it was like a barely there, am I seeing things squinter

5dp6dt, I was still questioning it. So I went and got these walmart cheapie tests...

6dp6dt, I wrote, "Symptoms: HOT all night, pulling and heaviness in the uterus, peed twice last night.  

Its all been the same, just increasing symptoms, peeing on sticks like a crazy lady!  Starting at 4 weeks and 1 day, I noticed an increase in my appetite.  I had vegan french toast for breakfast and then i was STARVING after church and all I wanted was a hamburger!  We went to the habit and i had a lettuce wrap double double!  I hadn't eaten there since I was pregnant with my boys. The last two mornings I've eating homemade meatballs and marinara for breakfast.  

The weirdest part is, I thought I would be ballooning up from the prednisone I'm on. Nope!  I've lost seven pounds!  I'm down to 135 as of this morning, and that is with me having a giant bloated tummy!  I think my body likes prednisone.  I was terrified of getting moon face.  But I'm losing weight!

I woke up this morning and took this test, 12dp6dt, which apparently is the same as 12dp5dt.  I just did that receptivity test to confirm my Uterus is receptive day six (like when i had my boys).

Best test yet, and you know I'm going to keep on testing!  I can't wait til Friday!  They just keep getting better.  Blood is drawn!  We also did our repeat immune labs... 10 vials of blood, checking my NK cells, antibodies etc. C had to do some too for it too.  I will get a report in a couple days and then I will know what my next dose of IVIG needs to be for next Wednesday!

BETA TEST

OMG... I just got the call!!!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!!  291 is the number!  Thank you JESUS!  I wish it was like the first time all over again.  Crying, tears of joy!  Unfortunately, that joy has been robbed from me.  I am SO happy we have a GREAT number, we have such a LONG road ahead.  My next beta is Friday... three days away!  Please Lord, protect this life.  Give us this baby we have desperately prayed for. Your will your way is always the right ways Lord, but please give us your favor once more.  We love you Lord.  You are the author and creator of life.  Your name is who we praise.  Your name and your name alone will be the one I praise for all of my days.  To you be the glory Lord, of this precious life. Amen.

See that bump!  It was flat as a board, but now I have a pooch! Praise Jesus! (bruises from heparin!)

Tomorrow...

All has been well.  I've been feeling good, staying busy, loving my boys and my family.  But then yesterday I was a wreck.  I got on google for good reason, looking for success stories of this DQ Alpha Match and what I found did not give me hope at all.  Most if not all the stories the people ended up using a surrogate in the end.  That is just not going to be in the cards for us.

I was emotional. crying.  my DH not being supporting said, "I never wanted to do any of this."  Just made it worse because then I felt so alone.  He is supposed to be me team mate.  In the end he appologized saying he just doesn't like to see me do all these shots etc.  I get it. I don't like it either.  I truly did believe God would bless our family, we have so much love to give.

We have been back and forth on transferring our last two and throwing in the towel and "calling it a day," to "no if we want a healthy baby, the best thing for everyone (me and the embryo) is to just put one in."  That is also what my RI recommended.  Because we have this DQ match, it could cause my immune system to elevate the NK cells and kill the baby :(  One is less stress.

Last week I did back to back infusions with my mom being my nurse at home.  It was a little stressful because one I had the boys home with me and two she had to learn how to use this IV pump.  It was different than the one at her hospital.  She is a labor and delivery nurse.  Once we got going it was fine.  I'm still on 10 mg prednisone, doing twice daily heparin. Tomorrow is T Day.  Fingers and toes crossed.

My montra for this cycle is THY WILL BE DONE.  I cannot imagine if this doesn't work, going through it again.  One day at a time.  I can't even look past tomorrow.  I can't pray for a baby.  I just want Gods will. However, once that life is in me... how can I not pray for its life?

The day after transfer, I'm going to up the prednisone to 30 mg.  So scared of moon face.  But if this works... I'll take it.

The plan... Immune protocol

Sorry for the delay! Lots to process!!!

One thing is for sure... Jesus is my Rock and that's how I roll! 🎸😂🙌🏻 He has been my rock and my refuge through each cycle, through each miscarriage. He has lifted me out of the pit and helped me find joy and peace... even through so much heartache. He has brought me to a place of surrender, even though he has asked me to complete the journey with our two remaining embryos. What does this surrender mean to me? I am finally okay with NOT having any more children. I'm okay if God gives us more too. I just want what God wants for me.

So, it looks like I still have some autoimmune issues! It also looks like DH and I also have a DQ match (a same gene). Which means my bodies attacks our embryos thinking they are a foreign invader.

When I first found out our protocol, I was fearful. My body is FINALLY feeling amazing and I'm scared to start taking a bunch of meds again. So here is my protocol...
1. Start 5 mg prednisone 2x a day 4 weeks before transfer. After transfer up to 30mg, 15mg twice a day til week 20 in pregnancy. Then ween off.
2. IVIG 7-10 days. Two days back to back, then once a month through out pregnancy.
3. Heparin and baby aspirin to prevent clotting throughout pregnancy.

It's a lot. I've thought about it all. DH and I both agree we can only do this once. It's risky! My health is at stake! the good thing is the the RI will follow me until delivery, if we are successful.
So, now we wait for CD 1! protocol is set. I'm ready!

Dandelion Puffs... immunologist update!

I don't make wishes anymore... I tell my boys when you blow on these they are like little prayers to heaven!  I started thinking about those yesterday on my run. In this, my infertility, my desire for a baby to complete our family, is no longer my prayer, no more blowing on dandelion puffs, I laid it down at the cross. My hearts greatest desire, my empty, hungry womb, it's out of my hands. I've surrendered to His plan, His desire for our family... thy will be done Lord.

FOUR MORE HOURS until our follow up  appointment with our Reproductive Immunologist. i was feeling very anxious about it. Knowing why our babies keep dying. I realized it's bc we will have yet ANOTHER diagnosis. It's hard having so many. It hurts knowing how broken your body is. But God is the great physicians. He is the miracle worker... and thy will be done. 🙏🏻

Submission.

My hands are raised high.  I'm waving the white flag.  God has me finally where he wants me.  In complete and utter surrender.  I finally get it, He is God, I am not, nor are my Re's.  We have all fought the good fight, only to lose the battle.  Yet, here I am.  Still breathing.  Still moving.  Still praying, with my faith as strong as ever.

I feel like I can't get enough... of Him.  I feel like I want more... of Him.  He is what I need, He is who I  am clinging to.  My faith isn't wavering.  It is like he has taken me on this journey, not to hurt me, but to grow me. Not to shake my faith, but to make it unshakeable.

God you are good, oh so good to me.  Even in this.  Even in this brokenness.  Even in losing my babies.

Surrender means waiting.  Waiting to see what God is going to do next.  Not moving an inch in any area until the fog has lifted and the path is clear.  God, I am waiting on you.

So here I sit, not still, still moving, searching, praying, filling my mind with Him and His words of truth.  I am focusing on Him and his promises for me.  That "He loves me and will never forsake me," that, "If He is for me than who ever can be against me," that "He is faithful," and that I can "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding."

I wait, Fully surrendered to what the Lord has for me and my family.

WTF appointment and such...

It's getting spooky around here 👻🎃 we are getting ready for a big Halloween Bash at our house tomorrow!
Just an update on all things ttc... I had my follow up WTF appt. basically my RE gave me two options, use a surrogate or try again. He thinks it's immune issues. He also gave our last two embryos each a 90% success rate, and I lost them 😪 Our last two he gave them an 80%. It makes sense though bc the only thing that has changed with my health is allergies! Since having my twins I get them super bad which means my immune system is over active. I got my immune records and it showed my anti-cardiolipins were elevated or high, also some NK cells. So, I have been doing some major research on my own! I found some articles that were very promising about adding prednisone, specifically 20mg starting at 'ovulation' until 12 weeks. Lots of success stories there! I am in the process of getting approval with that protocol. Also, I am adding the natural form of wobenzyme which has anti inflammatory properties and is also supposed to help! I have an appt with a naturopath Tuesday.
Most importantly I have completely surrendered this to the Lord! I feel a sense of peace and calm. We have also filled out adoption applications just incase. If God closes this door I am praying he will open another! 💕🙌🏻 Happy Halloween everyone!!!

At a loss...

How can this be us? This is our fourth loss. First with PGS normal embryos. Not sure if I told you all but we lost two boys 💔💔 I am seriously so lost and broken hearted. I don't even know where to go from here. We have two embryos left, but I think my uterus is destroying them. We did everything this cycle... hysteroscopy and resected a uterine septum (third time), RPL panal, added lovenox, intralipids, I did an uterine receptivity test, we finally had PGS normal embryos. There is nothing left. I've done the scratch thing too! Wasted thousands and thousands of dollars over two IVF's and seven transfers.. nothing to show for it but broken hearts and many babies in heaven... seven transfers and 10 beautiful embryos. Now only God can give us answers. How in the world did I have my twins?1.
Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine this would be us. All my boys wanted was a baby sister, we tried. This has all been such a test to our faith. I know God loves us, but no one should go through this😪  

I will have my WTF appointment and then decide what to do next, if anything. Surrogacy may be our only option for our remaining two. C texted me and said we should adopt a baby girl, today. We'll see! Researching options...

Beta... transfer eight.

19.... Heartbroken 😭 two PGS normals. I guess I'm just supposed to only be a mother to two.

Beta EVE.... 10dp6dt

Even with all my 'symptoms' I'm scared to death! I could really use some prayers. And after I post this, I will be doing some praying myself! I know these little embryos are in His hands. This was our SEVENTH transfer ttc a sibling for our twins. I went into it thinking it might be our last, regardless of outcome. I have seen/heard so many times "I'm so sorry Sara" I just can't bare to hear it one more time. Our first MC the beta was a 33, we lost that one at 6 weeks and I had a natural MC. Our second MC our beta was 120 something, I was excited! We finally were over 100. The second beta dropped to 88 😢. Our third the embryos started to implant than fizzled right before beta. My heart has been broken more times than anyone deserves, and I know some of you ladies have been through worse! I can't bear it! I need to lean on Jesus to carry me. We need a breakthrough... we need a miracle! In Jesus name! 🙌🏻 

I did it without poas. So proud of myself. Gave this whole cycle over to the Lord, laid it at his feet. All I want is His will and not mine... I just do pray it contains a miracle or two❤️🙏🏻

Symptoms increasing: fatigue, wanted to sleep on the couch this afternoon but boys didn't let me. Increased appetite, it's a different type of hunger I can't explain. Bb's growing and sore, bloating so bad and not going anywhere, gassy, craving salty foods. Tonight I ate my kids organic chicken fingers and ketchup and dipped carrots in the ketchup 😱 So strange for me!

6dp6dt Symptoms... Transfer number Eight!

Symptoms:  I woke up at 5 am again, this time with a migraine.  It has been coming and going all day.  I remember this with my twins but that didn't start until I was past six weeks!  Maybe its from the estradiol shots? My bb's are extremely sore and definitely growing.  My stomach is crazy bloated and not going anywhere!  I'm also already craving pickles and salty foods... and my appetite has increased!  

I think this week is going to drag... five days until BETA!  C doesn't want me taking a pregnancy test, even though I KNOW I'm pregnant!  I may have to sneak one on tuesday when I will be four weeks!  I seriously can't believe how pregnant I feel already!  This is crazy... In a very good way!

The Test of Faith Through Infertility

I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.

Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.

In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.

Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!

I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️