Dandelion Puffs... immunologist update!

I don't make wishes anymore... I tell my boys when you blow on these they are like little prayers to heaven!  I started thinking about those yesterday on my run. In this, my infertility, my desire for a baby to complete our family, is no longer my prayer, no more blowing on dandelion puffs, I laid it down at the cross. My hearts greatest desire, my empty, hungry womb, it's out of my hands. I've surrendered to His plan, His desire for our family... thy will be done Lord.

FOUR MORE HOURS until our follow up  appointment with our Reproductive Immunologist. i was feeling very anxious about it. Knowing why our babies keep dying. I realized it's bc we will have yet ANOTHER diagnosis. It's hard having so many. It hurts knowing how broken your body is. But God is the great physicians. He is the miracle worker... and thy will be done. 🙏🏻

Submission.

My hands are raised high.  I'm waving the white flag.  God has me finally where he wants me.  In complete and utter surrender.  I finally get it, He is God, I am not, nor are my Re's.  We have all fought the good fight, only to lose the battle.  Yet, here I am.  Still breathing.  Still moving.  Still praying, with my faith as strong as ever.

I feel like I can't get enough... of Him.  I feel like I want more... of Him.  He is what I need, He is who I  am clinging to.  My faith isn't wavering.  It is like he has taken me on this journey, not to hurt me, but to grow me. Not to shake my faith, but to make it unshakeable.

God you are good, oh so good to me.  Even in this.  Even in this brokenness.  Even in losing my babies.

Surrender means waiting.  Waiting to see what God is going to do next.  Not moving an inch in any area until the fog has lifted and the path is clear.  God, I am waiting on you.

So here I sit, not still, still moving, searching, praying, filling my mind with Him and His words of truth.  I am focusing on Him and his promises for me.  That "He loves me and will never forsake me," that, "If He is for me than who ever can be against me," that "He is faithful," and that I can "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding."

I wait, Fully surrendered to what the Lord has for me and my family.

WTF appointment and such...

It's getting spooky around here 👻🎃 we are getting ready for a big Halloween Bash at our house tomorrow!
Just an update on all things ttc... I had my follow up WTF appt. basically my RE gave me two options, use a surrogate or try again. He thinks it's immune issues. He also gave our last two embryos each a 90% success rate, and I lost them 😪 Our last two he gave them an 80%. It makes sense though bc the only thing that has changed with my health is allergies! Since having my twins I get them super bad which means my immune system is over active. I got my immune records and it showed my anti-cardiolipins were elevated or high, also some NK cells. So, I have been doing some major research on my own! I found some articles that were very promising about adding prednisone, specifically 20mg starting at 'ovulation' until 12 weeks. Lots of success stories there! I am in the process of getting approval with that protocol. Also, I am adding the natural form of wobenzyme which has anti inflammatory properties and is also supposed to help! I have an appt with a naturopath Tuesday.
Most importantly I have completely surrendered this to the Lord! I feel a sense of peace and calm. We have also filled out adoption applications just incase. If God closes this door I am praying he will open another! 💕🙌🏻 Happy Halloween everyone!!!

At a loss...

How can this be us? This is our fourth loss. First with PGS normal embryos. Not sure if I told you all but we lost two boys 💔💔 I am seriously so lost and broken hearted. I don't even know where to go from here. We have two embryos left, but I think my uterus is destroying them. We did everything this cycle... hysteroscopy and resected a uterine septum (third time), RPL panal, added lovenox, intralipids, I did an uterine receptivity test, we finally had PGS normal embryos. There is nothing left. I've done the scratch thing too! Wasted thousands and thousands of dollars over two IVF's and seven transfers.. nothing to show for it but broken hearts and many babies in heaven... seven transfers and 10 beautiful embryos. Now only God can give us answers. How in the world did I have my twins?1.
Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine this would be us. All my boys wanted was a baby sister, we tried. This has all been such a test to our faith. I know God loves us, but no one should go through this😪  

I will have my WTF appointment and then decide what to do next, if anything. Surrogacy may be our only option for our remaining two. C texted me and said we should adopt a baby girl, today. We'll see! Researching options...

Beta... transfer eight.

19.... Heartbroken 😭 two PGS normals. I guess I'm just supposed to only be a mother to two.

Beta EVE.... 10dp6dt

Even with all my 'symptoms' I'm scared to death! I could really use some prayers. And after I post this, I will be doing some praying myself! I know these little embryos are in His hands. This was our SEVENTH transfer ttc a sibling for our twins. I went into it thinking it might be our last, regardless of outcome. I have seen/heard so many times "I'm so sorry Sara" I just can't bare to hear it one more time. Our first MC the beta was a 33, we lost that one at 6 weeks and I had a natural MC. Our second MC our beta was 120 something, I was excited! We finally were over 100. The second beta dropped to 88 😢. Our third the embryos started to implant than fizzled right before beta. My heart has been broken more times than anyone deserves, and I know some of you ladies have been through worse! I can't bear it! I need to lean on Jesus to carry me. We need a breakthrough... we need a miracle! In Jesus name! 🙌🏻 

I did it without poas. So proud of myself. Gave this whole cycle over to the Lord, laid it at his feet. All I want is His will and not mine... I just do pray it contains a miracle or two❤️🙏🏻

Symptoms increasing: fatigue, wanted to sleep on the couch this afternoon but boys didn't let me. Increased appetite, it's a different type of hunger I can't explain. Bb's growing and sore, bloating so bad and not going anywhere, gassy, craving salty foods. Tonight I ate my kids organic chicken fingers and ketchup and dipped carrots in the ketchup 😱 So strange for me!

6dp6dt Symptoms... Transfer number Eight!

Symptoms:  I woke up at 5 am again, this time with a migraine.  It has been coming and going all day.  I remember this with my twins but that didn't start until I was past six weeks!  Maybe its from the estradiol shots? My bb's are extremely sore and definitely growing.  My stomach is crazy bloated and not going anywhere!  I'm also already craving pickles and salty foods... and my appetite has increased!  

I think this week is going to drag... five days until BETA!  C doesn't want me taking a pregnancy test, even though I KNOW I'm pregnant!  I may have to sneak one on tuesday when I will be four weeks!  I seriously can't believe how pregnant I feel already!  This is crazy... In a very good way!