Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Tomorrow...

All has been well.  I've been feeling good, staying busy, loving my boys and my family.  But then yesterday I was a wreck.  I got on google for good reason, looking for success stories of this DQ Alpha Match and what I found did not give me hope at all.  Most if not all the stories the people ended up using a surrogate in the end.  That is just not going to be in the cards for us.

I was emotional. crying.  my DH not being supporting said, "I never wanted to do any of this."  Just made it worse because then I felt so alone.  He is supposed to be me team mate.  In the end he appologized saying he just doesn't like to see me do all these shots etc.  I get it. I don't like it either.  I truly did believe God would bless our family, we have so much love to give.

We have been back and forth on transferring our last two and throwing in the towel and "calling it a day," to "no if we want a healthy baby, the best thing for everyone (me and the embryo) is to just put one in."  That is also what my RI recommended.  Because we have this DQ match, it could cause my immune system to elevate the NK cells and kill the baby :(  One is less stress.

Last week I did back to back infusions with my mom being my nurse at home.  It was a little stressful because one I had the boys home with me and two she had to learn how to use this IV pump.  It was different than the one at her hospital.  She is a labor and delivery nurse.  Once we got going it was fine.  I'm still on 10 mg prednisone, doing twice daily heparin. Tomorrow is T Day.  Fingers and toes crossed.

My montra for this cycle is THY WILL BE DONE.  I cannot imagine if this doesn't work, going through it again.  One day at a time.  I can't even look past tomorrow.  I can't pray for a baby.  I just want Gods will. However, once that life is in me... how can I not pray for its life?

The day after transfer, I'm going to up the prednisone to 30 mg.  So scared of moon face.  But if this works... I'll take it.

Monday, February 6, 2017

The plan... Immune protocol

Sorry for the delay! Lots to process!!!

One thing is for sure... Jesus is my Rock and that's how I roll! πŸŽΈπŸ˜‚πŸ™ŒπŸ» He has been my rock and my refuge through each cycle, through each miscarriage. He has lifted me out of the pit and helped me find joy and peace... even through so much heartache. He has brought me to a place of surrender, even though he has asked me to complete the journey with our two remaining embryos. What does this surrender mean to me? I am finally okay with NOT having any more children. I'm okay if God gives us more too. I just want what God wants for me.

So, it looks like I still have some autoimmune issues! It also looks like DH and I also have a DQ match (a same gene). Which means my bodies attacks our embryos thinking they are a foreign invader.

When I first found out our protocol, I was fearful. My body is FINALLY feeling amazing and I'm scared to start taking a bunch of meds again. So here is my protocol...
1. Start 5 mg prednisone 2x a day 4 weeks before transfer. After transfer up to 30mg, 15mg twice a day til week 20 in pregnancy. Then ween off.
2. IVIG 7-10 days. Two days back to back, then once a month through out pregnancy.
3. Heparin and baby aspirin to prevent clotting throughout pregnancy.

It's a lot. I've thought about it all. DH and I both agree we can only do this once. It's risky! My health is at stake! the good thing is the the RI will follow me until delivery, if we are successful.
So, now we wait for CD 1! protocol is set. I'm ready!

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Dandelion Puffs... immunologist update!

I don't make wishes anymore... I tell my boys when you blow on these they are like little prayers to heaven!  I started thinking about those yesterday on my run. In this, my infertility, my desire for a baby to complete our family, is no longer my prayer, no more blowing on dandelion puffs, I laid it down at the cross. My hearts greatest desire, my empty, hungry womb, it's out of my hands. I've surrendered to His plan, His desire for our family... thy will be done Lord.

FOUR MORE HOURS until our follow up  appointment with our Reproductive Immunologist. i was feeling very anxious about it. Knowing why our babies keep dying. I realized it's bc we will have yet ANOTHER diagnosis. It's hard having so many. It hurts knowing how broken your body is. But God is the great physicians. He is the miracle worker... and thy will be done. πŸ™πŸ»


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