Thursday, April 23, 2015

One or Two?

IF Quote of the Day 
I've already began thinking about what we should do next... one or two?  I know it is going to be here before we know it!  I'm CD 11 today, but I don't plan on having a period for another 30 days :-/

We transferred our top quality embryo (out of 5) which was graded 4AA.  It looked perfect on paper, but it wasn't meant to be.  It just goes to show you that quality does not mean everything!

Here is how the rest are graded...

3AB (day 5)
4AB (day 6)
4AB (day 6)
3 BB (day6)

So, obviously grading does not really matter here.  My "perfect" embryo wasn't so perfect.  

This week I had been feeling horrible, run down, head aches, and exhausted.  I think my body is going in some type of hormonal shift after being on so many synthetic hormones.  I know this is not good for me.  I know I do not want to keep doing this over and over.  It is emotionally and physically taxing.

A few days after my miscarriage, I started taking pregnitude again to hopefully help my hormones and yesterday I started a little vegan cleanse (with lots of green smoothies, raw nuts and seeds, and salads) to detox my body from all these hormones.  I already am feeling better today, thank goodness!


To think about doing this more than one more time is stressing me out.  These hormones are torture.  Honestly, if it were up to me, I would transfer the top two... I just need to convince my husband and my doctor.  For blast transfers they recommend transferring one embryo at a time if you are 35 or under.  

The likely hood that both would take is slim!  But, if we did have twins again, we already have two of everything!  Decisions, decisions.... hmmmm!!!  

FAITH FAITH FAITH... I know I need to have faith and pray seriously about this!  I want to start praying about what embro(s) to put in.  I want to do this right!
I would LOVE your opinions!  What would YOU do?

ICLW:  If you are stopping by for ICLW, thank you! A little background... We were blessed with miracle twin boys via IVF and rescue ICSI after 3 1/2 years of TTC.  We again, haven't prevented pregnancy for the last almost three years with no luck.  We went through IVF again last December and I had to freeze everything because of OHSS.  FET #1 was a BFP, but I miscarried at 6 weeks. Now awaiting FET#2! :)

Monday, April 13, 2015

Having Faith Through Pain... Six Week Miscarriage

I'm doing better than I thought I would, considering.

Friday was rough.  I cried on and off through out the day, but I had to still be a mom which kept me busy, thankfully!  The hardest part was having to tell our friends and family who were so excited for us that we lost this baby.  I know so many people wait to announce their pregnancy's, but you know what, I am so thankful we had such a support of people praying for us, and giving us time to grieve. 

I posted this on my Instagram and my FB page on Saturday morning and I thought I would share it on here.  This was from my daily quiet time I spend with Jesus...


Psalm 23 is always what I turn to when I need reassurance, peace, comfort, strength. I am so thankful for the Lord and what He has done in my life. As a Christian, we are not promised a life without pain, or hurt, but we are promised a savior to comfort us, and guide us through the dark valley's, which we all go through. Sometimes things don't make sense, but I know the Lord is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good, no matter the circumstances. He never fails, but His plans are right, just, and fair, even when we can't see it. He is ALWAYS with us. I will rest in His green meadows, where I will find peace. Thank you Jesus for being my light in the world of darkness. Amen.


After reading and praying, I felt ready to move on.  Chris and I took the boys on a family run, we ran errands, rested, made dinner and enjoyed a bottle of wine.  It was nice to spend some quality time together as a family.  

Sunday, I was feeling good as well, but when we got to church, I ran into a lady who knew, she hugged me and tears began, again.  Church was so moving.  Worship was awesome, I could praise Jesus and thank Him for what he has given us.  I look forward to meeting that little babe who is now in a better place.  God is good.

(TMI) Right after church I went to the bathroom and there it was, my period. ugh!  Heavy and horrible.  I read that you aren't supposed to use tampons after a miscarriage because your cervix dilates, so I've been wearing pads... Not fun.  It just felt like a regular heavy period, that was until last night.  I woke up clenching the pillow having what felt like contractions about 1 min apart.  I was in the worst pain!  I  had to stand up and was leaning over my bed clenching like I was in labor!  I went to the bathroom and I heard a big plop, looking in the toilette and saw a pretty big clot, of which I am assuming were the remains.  It was terrible.  However, after that, the pains subsided and I went back to sleep.  My period has been very light today, just spotting red.

I am sad about everything but I am now ready to move on and try again!  One more period to go and we'll be back on the saddle!  

In the mean time... working out, eating clean (with the occasional glass of wine!), and my PCOS supplements!

Also, please sign up to follow by email on my other blog!!!  Check out Loving Life Naturally!!! :)


Friday, April 10, 2015

Heart broken

This week, had been going great. I was filled with joy, hope and peace knowing that my belly was getting bigger, my boobs with getting more sore, fatigue was kicking in especially in the evenings and I was really embracing this pregnancy. It came crashing down today.

We went for my 6 week ultrasound and there was no sac. We lost the baby. I had red blood (that stopped quickly each time), last Thursday, Saurday and yesterday after Barre class, dark red blood. It was old blood and I likely passed the sac.

When the doctor couldn't find the sac, he gave us his condolences and gave us some time. We both cried. It is very hard to see my husband with tears. We loved this baby.

I am sad, my heart breaks, but I have comfort knowing the Lord has greater plans for us. I have peace knowing that this was His way of taking care of something not chromosomally right. Jesus needed this baby more than us and we have one little one to welcome us home when the time comes. I'm going to take some time to mourn. This just makes me all the more greatful and thankful for the two miracles I do have. God is [still] good.

Prayers welcomed. God bless.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Just One

One teeny tiny sac!

It was so small it was actually hard to see, but it was there! Yay!  I'm 5 weeks 2 days, but really measuring 5 days behind which makes me 4 weeks 4 days.  Will this change my due date?  That would make this little babe due December 7!  What  a Christmas gift!

The day that babe implanted, was the day I KNEW I was pregnant!  It was like a sixth sense!

My 4 week 4 days Symptoms:
I just woke up from my first afternoon nap, tired!  Exhaustion has kicked in full force!
Heaviness in my Uterus area, with light cramping off and on.
Full BB's not super sore anymore
waking up at 5 am
a pooch that gets bigger by evening
no M/S, no food aversions (Please stay away! I was already nauseated by this point with the twins)

I go back next week, Friday for another ultrasound.  I can't wait!

Wishing all of you a very blessed Easter!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Just when you think you can breath again...

RED BLOOD. Yup!  I was finally feeling the relief of BETA #3 and feeling officially pregnant, than BAM, back into reality.

I was getting myself ready to take R&M to preschool, I go into the bathroom and there is not only red blood in my panty liner (I have to wear them all the time because of the P4 suppositories), but I see it dripping into the toilet like a period. "Lord, please don't let me miscarry!" I thought for sure I was!

I ran out told my husband I was bleeding, and he was so calm and collective, "You did that with the boys! Your fine!" UGH!  I DID bleed with the boys, red blood, but it was at 13 weeks!  This pregnancy has already had one rough beginning.

I immediately call my RE's office and spoke to the nurse.  She said, no sex, no exercise, feet up, don't take any more baby aspirin for now, and this happens to 40% of all pregnancies.

It slowly stopped and I'm barely spotting brown now.   I have had my feet up all day, and I'm resting.

Looking back to yesterday, I may have over did it with my twins.  We went to the park by my parents house, and the boys had me lifting them over my head (Rocco is 37 lbs and Maximus 35 lbs), to go across the monkey bars, a swinging thing, and rings.  My thought was, if I did it before, I should be able to do it now.  I guess not :(

I still have my first ultrasound tomorrow!

For now, I think we better stay low and do some inside activities!  This was two days ago, my boys making a train... All Aboard!!!

Rocco in the front, Maximus in back :)

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Beta #3! 5 weeks pregnant!

This baby must be growing.  The last two days I've been up at 5am wide awake and I can't go back to sleep for the life of me.  I'm not hungry, I don't think, but my mind is wide awake.  I'm also having trouble going to sleep at night!  I think I have a little case of pregnancy induced insomnia.

I had this with the boys.  With them it started two days before BETA #1, which was 9dp5dpt, or 14dpo.  I few days later I was starving in the middle of the night.  I hope that doesn't start!

So far, I haven't had much of an appetite.  I'm not especially hungry, just eating as usual, with no aversions to food.

Per my transfer day, I'm officially 5 Weeks today!  Although I know I'm going to measuring 5 days behind... unless this baby does some major catch up!

My belly is already sticking out!  I have a pooch!  Is it because my uterus already knows what to do?  I'm not having much ligament growing pains, like I did with the boys, or those horrible stabbing vagina pains (they were painful!). My bb's are still sore, full and heavy with blue vains and my nipples are also filled out.  I have been getting tired in the afternoon, but no naps yet, and I'm going to bed around nine, it just takes me a while to fall asleep.

Today is BETA#3.  I don't feel nervous this time since all the symptoms are progressing, but I am anxious for the #.

Beta #1 @ 10dp5dt = 33
Beta #2 @ 14dp5dt = 271
Beta #3 @ 16dp5dt = ???

Stay tuned!!!

***updated***

Just got the call from the nurse! Beta #3 came in at 699!!! This babe is growing! I go back friday for my first ultrasound! Thank you Jesus!!! Praise God!!!

Monday, March 30, 2015

Maybe Baby? BETA LIMBO... and BETA #2

This past weekend was so nice to get away.  Part of me wanted to cancel the trip, because of this BETA LIMBO we've found ourselves in, yet I knew we REALLY needed some time away without the kids.  We haven't had a weekend away since last August!
Getting ready for our dinner date!
We stayed at this quaint little hotel nestled in the hills of  Santa Barbara with little cottages for the guests.  It had a B&B feel to it, yet a total romantic getaway... wine and cheese at 5 (except me!)!  We loved it!
Little cottages at night
Saturday C and I did a four mile hike down into the canyon walking along stream.  It felt amazing to be out in the fresh air with nature.  I really needed it with all this stress.  I was beyond exhausted when I got home and just wanted to take a nap, pool side.

The gorgeous hike!

Making it to the top!  So proud of us!   And p.s.  That cleavage was NOT there two weeks ago! ;-)

So what do you do on vacation when you might, maybe, be pregnant, and are surrounded by wine... EAT, EAT, EAT!  We got room service for breakfast.  And yes, I ate all of that!



One of the coolest parts of this hotel was that the Chef grew much of his own produce and it was organic!  You all know I'm a natural health fanatic! I was in heaven!

So with all this R&R, all I could think about was this MAYBE BABY.  Can I just say, I don't know whats worse a BFN, or this LIMBO.  The whole weekend I was fearing the worse!  How could this go well!?  And lets recap... BETA # 1 at 10dp5dt was a measly 33!  

I read blogs, and threads, some good and some bad on our down time.  I became a little obsessed with reading success stories.  I knew it could go either way!  This maybe baby had a 50% shot!  This maybe baby had many people praying for it (my close friends know and my parents).  I had to tell my parents after I got the BETA, I knew this baby needed some prayers, and if it didn't work, I would need some support from my besties and parents.


This is the best part... each day my tests kept getting darker!  I would POAS, come out disappointed and tell C it was lighter, then he would go in to check and say, "No, Sara, its darker now!"  No way!


 These tests work!  The top is from BETA #1 day, at 33 HCG. The middle test is from Saturday, FMU,  and the bottom is from yesterday morning, with diluted urine (after breakfast.)  Can you see the difference?

This morning I went in first thing at 7am so I would be sure to get my results back soon!  I waited and waited and waited.  They've always called in the morning.  Finally at 1:30 I called them!  I was so sick of waiting on eggshells!  For the number to double every 48 hours, it only needed to be at 132.

Low and behold, I cannot believe what my number is... 271 !!!!!!!!!  It more than quadrupled with a doubling time of 31.6 hours, per BetaBase.  This little babe is playing some catch up!

So I think I've figured out what MAY have happened.  FET's sometimes take a blast longer to implant, 1-5 days.  This blast implanted on day 5, which is why I got SUCH a squinter BFP the next day, and it slowly been doubling since then!  So I will likely be 5 days behind when we get to U/S.

I know we aren't out of the woods yet, I go back for another BETA wednesday, but for now, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! Praise Jesus!!!!




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