Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Tomorrow...

All has been well.  I've been feeling good, staying busy, loving my boys and my family.  But then yesterday I was a wreck.  I got on google for good reason, looking for success stories of this DQ Alpha Match and what I found did not give me hope at all.  Most if not all the stories the people ended up using a surrogate in the end.  That is just not going to be in the cards for us.

I was emotional. crying.  my DH not being supporting said, "I never wanted to do any of this."  Just made it worse because then I felt so alone.  He is supposed to be me team mate.  In the end he appologized saying he just doesn't like to see me do all these shots etc.  I get it. I don't like it either.  I truly did believe God would bless our family, we have so much love to give.

We have been back and forth on transferring our last two and throwing in the towel and "calling it a day," to "no if we want a healthy baby, the best thing for everyone (me and the embryo) is to just put one in."  That is also what my RI recommended.  Because we have this DQ match, it could cause my immune system to elevate the NK cells and kill the baby :(  One is less stress.

Last week I did back to back infusions with my mom being my nurse at home.  It was a little stressful because one I had the boys home with me and two she had to learn how to use this IV pump.  It was different than the one at her hospital.  She is a labor and delivery nurse.  Once we got going it was fine.  I'm still on 10 mg prednisone, doing twice daily heparin. Tomorrow is T Day.  Fingers and toes crossed.

My montra for this cycle is THY WILL BE DONE.  I cannot imagine if this doesn't work, going through it again.  One day at a time.  I can't even look past tomorrow.  I can't pray for a baby.  I just want Gods will. However, once that life is in me... how can I not pray for its life?

The day after transfer, I'm going to up the prednisone to 30 mg.  So scared of moon face.  But if this works... I'll take it.

Monday, February 6, 2017

The plan... Immune protocol

Sorry for the delay! Lots to process!!!

One thing is for sure... Jesus is my Rock and that's how I roll! πŸŽΈπŸ˜‚πŸ™ŒπŸ» He has been my rock and my refuge through each cycle, through each miscarriage. He has lifted me out of the pit and helped me find joy and peace... even through so much heartache. He has brought me to a place of surrender, even though he has asked me to complete the journey with our two remaining embryos. What does this surrender mean to me? I am finally okay with NOT having any more children. I'm okay if God gives us more too. I just want what God wants for me.

So, it looks like I still have some autoimmune issues! It also looks like DH and I also have a DQ match (a same gene). Which means my bodies attacks our embryos thinking they are a foreign invader.

When I first found out our protocol, I was fearful. My body is FINALLY feeling amazing and I'm scared to start taking a bunch of meds again. So here is my protocol...
1. Start 5 mg prednisone 2x a day 4 weeks before transfer. After transfer up to 30mg, 15mg twice a day til week 20 in pregnancy. Then ween off.
2. IVIG 7-10 days. Two days back to back, then once a month through out pregnancy.
3. Heparin and baby aspirin to prevent clotting throughout pregnancy.

It's a lot. I've thought about it all. DH and I both agree we can only do this once. It's risky! My health is at stake! the good thing is the the RI will follow me until delivery, if we are successful.
So, now we wait for CD 1! protocol is set. I'm ready!

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Dandelion Puffs... immunologist update!

I don't make wishes anymore... I tell my boys when you blow on these they are like little prayers to heaven!  I started thinking about those yesterday on my run. In this, my infertility, my desire for a baby to complete our family, is no longer my prayer, no more blowing on dandelion puffs, I laid it down at the cross. My hearts greatest desire, my empty, hungry womb, it's out of my hands. I've surrendered to His plan, His desire for our family... thy will be done Lord.

FOUR MORE HOURS until our follow up  appointment with our Reproductive Immunologist. i was feeling very anxious about it. Knowing why our babies keep dying. I realized it's bc we will have yet ANOTHER diagnosis. It's hard having so many. It hurts knowing how broken your body is. But God is the great physicians. He is the miracle worker... and thy will be done. πŸ™πŸ»


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Submission.

My hands are raised high.  I'm waving the white flag.  God has me finally where he wants me.  In complete and utter surrender.  I finally get it, He is God, I am not, nor are my Re's.  We have all fought the good fight, only to lose the battle.  Yet, here I am.  Still breathing.  Still moving.  Still praying, with my faith as strong as ever.

I feel like I can't get enough... of Him.  I feel like I want more... of Him.  He is what I need, He is who I  am clinging to.  My faith isn't wavering.  It is like he has taken me on this journey, not to hurt me, but to grow me. Not to shake my faith, but to make it unshakeable.

God you are good, oh so good to me.  Even in this.  Even in this brokenness.  Even in losing my babies.

Surrender means waiting.  Waiting to see what God is going to do next.  Not moving an inch in any area until the fog has lifted and the path is clear.  God, I am waiting on you.

So here I sit, not still, still moving, searching, praying, filling my mind with Him and His words of truth.  I am focusing on Him and his promises for me.  That "He loves me and will never forsake me," that, "If He is for me than who ever can be against me," that "He is faithful," and that I can "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding."

I wait, Fully surrendered to what the Lord has for me and my family.




Friday, October 28, 2016

WTF appointment and such...

It's getting spooky around here πŸ‘»πŸŽƒ we are getting ready for a big Halloween Bash at our house tomorrow!
Just an update on all things ttc... I had my follow up WTF appt. basically my RE gave me two options, use a surrogate or try again. He thinks it's immune issues. He also gave our last two embryos each a 90% success rate, and I lost them πŸ˜ͺ Our last two he gave them an 80%. It makes sense though bc the only thing that has changed with my health is allergies! Since having my twins I get them super bad which means my immune system is over active. I got my immune records and it showed my anti-cardiolipins were elevated or high, also some NK cells. So, I have been doing some major research on my own! I found some articles that were very promising about adding prednisone, specifically 20mg starting at 'ovulation' until 12 weeks. Lots of success stories there! I am in the process of getting approval with that protocol. Also, I am adding the natural form of wobenzyme which has anti inflammatory properties and is also supposed to help! I have an appt with a naturopath Tuesday.
Most importantly I have completely surrendered this to the Lord! I feel a sense of peace and calm. We have also filled out adoption applications just incase. If God closes this door I am praying he will open another! πŸ’•πŸ™ŒπŸ» Happy Halloween everyone!!!

Saturday, October 15, 2016

At a loss...

How can this be us? This is our fourth loss. First with PGS normal embryos. Not sure if I told you all but we lost two boys πŸ’”πŸ’” I am seriously so lost and broken hearted. I don't even know where to go from here. We have two embryos left, but I think my uterus is destroying them. We did everything this cycle... hysteroscopy and resected a uterine septum (third time), RPL panal, added lovenox, intralipids, I did an uterine receptivity test, we finally had PGS normal embryos. There is nothing left. I've done the scratch thing too! Wasted thousands and thousands of dollars over two IVF's and seven transfers.. nothing to show for it but broken hearts and many babies in heaven... seven transfers and 10 beautiful embryos. Now only God can give us answers. How in the world did I have my twins?1.
Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine this would be us. All my boys wanted was a baby sister, we tried. This has all been such a test to our faith. I know God loves us, but no one should go through thisπŸ˜ͺ  

I will have my WTF appointment and then decide what to do next, if anything. Surrogacy may be our only option for our remaining two. C texted me and said we should adopt a baby girl, today. We'll see! Researching options...

Friday, October 14, 2016

Beta... transfer eight.

19.... Heartbroken 😭 two PGS normals. I guess I'm just supposed to only be a mother to two.
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