Saturday, October 15, 2016

At a loss...

How can this be us? This is our fourth loss. First with PGS normal embryos. Not sure if I told you all but we lost two boys πŸ’”πŸ’” I am seriously so lost and broken hearted. I don't even know where to go from here. We have two embryos left, but I think my uterus is destroying them. We did everything this cycle... hysteroscopy and resected a uterine septum (third time), RPL panal, added lovenox, intralipids, I did an uterine receptivity test, we finally had PGS normal embryos. There is nothing left. I've done the scratch thing too! Wasted thousands and thousands of dollars over two IVF's and seven transfers.. nothing to show for it but broken hearts and many babies in heaven... seven transfers and 10 beautiful embryos. Now only God can give us answers. How in the world did I have my twins?1.
Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine this would be us. All my boys wanted was a baby sister, we tried. This has all been such a test to our faith. I know God loves us, but no one should go through thisπŸ˜ͺ  

I will have my WTF appointment and then decide what to do next, if anything. Surrogacy may be our only option for our remaining two. C texted me and said we should adopt a baby girl, today. We'll see! Researching options...

Friday, October 14, 2016

Beta... transfer eight.

19.... Heartbroken 😭 two PGS normals. I guess I'm just supposed to only be a mother to two.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Beta EVE.... 10dp6dt

Even with all my 'symptoms' I'm scared to death! I could really use some prayers. And after I post this, I will be doing some praying myself! I know these little embryos are in His hands. This was our SEVENTH transfer ttc a sibling for our twins. I went into it thinking it might be our last, regardless of outcome. I have seen/heard so many times "I'm so sorry Sara" I just can't bare to hear it one more time. Our first MC the beta was a 33, we lost that one at 6 weeks and I had a natural MC. Our second MC our beta was 120 something, I was excited! We finally were over 100. The second beta dropped to 88 😒. Our third the embryos started to implant than fizzled right before beta. My heart has been broken more times than anyone deserves, and I know some of you ladies have been through worse! I can't bear it! I need to lean on Jesus to carry me. We need a breakthrough... we need a miracle! In Jesus name! πŸ™ŒπŸ» 

I did it without poas. So proud of myself. Gave this whole cycle over to the Lord, laid it at his feet. All I want is His will and not mine... I just do pray it contains a miracle or two❤️πŸ™πŸ»

Symptoms increasing: fatigue, wanted to sleep on the couch this afternoon but boys didn't let me. Increased appetite, it's a different type of hunger I can't explain. Bb's growing and sore, bloating so bad and not going anywhere, gassy, craving salty foods. Tonight I ate my kids organic chicken fingers and ketchup and dipped carrots in the ketchup 😱 So strange for me!

Sunday, October 9, 2016

6dp6dt Symptoms... Transfer number Eight!

Symptoms:  I woke up at 5 am again, this time with a migraine.  It has been coming and going all day.  I remember this with my twins but that didn't start until I was past six weeks!  Maybe its from the estradiol shots? My bb's are extremely sore and definitely growing.  My stomach is crazy bloated and not going anywhere!  I'm also already craving pickles and salty foods... and my appetite has increased!  

I think this week is going to drag... five days until BETA!  C doesn't want me taking a pregnancy test, even though I KNOW I'm pregnant!  I may have to sneak one on tuesday when I will be four weeks!  I seriously can't believe how pregnant I feel already!  This is crazy... In a very good way!

The Test of Faith Through Infertility

I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.

Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.

In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.

Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!

I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️

Saturday, October 8, 2016

4dp6dt- 5dp6dt Transfer Eight

I took this last night! This is my tried and true pregnancy symptom... I get major bloat which looks more like a pooch! My stomach was flat 4 days ago! It started 3dp6dt and by yesterday it's definitely more! The best part, it's still here this morning! After three losses I'm staying cautiously optimistic, but with those pregnancies, I never had it this early! Praying at least one of these little ones stuck and continue!

Here are some more symptoms... went to dinner last night with friends, exhausted by 8pm! Restless sleep again. Peed twice in the middle of the night. It's 11am right now and I need a nap 😴

Thursday, October 6, 2016

3dp6dt Transfer numero eight!

Houston, we have symptoms!

I got super bloated from being on Lupron for so long. After stopping, it took a while to go back down.  The day of transfer I woke up and thought, "wow, the bloat is gone!  My stomach is finally going back to normal!"  I actually thought I looked thin again!  Well that is GONE!

This morning I woke up and thought my stomach looked a little bloated and C agreed, but then I didn't think much of it.  As the day went on, I started getting very tired and foggy headed, boobs started getting much more sore, and tonight... I got the bloat!  The bloat I can't suck in... I can't believe it!!!  I'm 90% sure as least one of these little ones attached!  Please Lord keep them growing big, strong and healthy!

The breakdown...

AM:  Woke up multiple times last night, once to pee, vivid dreams (the last couple nights), slightly bloated, hungry, made out with DH and his mouth tasted like metal!

Lunch: opened my salad and it smelled stinky to me, I almost didn't eat it.  Tired and foggy headed, sore bb's and more pulling on the left side in pelvic area.

PM: Sore bb's, and the bloat is back!!!

Please pray for us!!!

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