Tuesday, November 15, 2016


My hands are raised high.  I'm waving the white flag.  God has me finally where he wants me.  In complete and utter surrender.  I finally get it, He is God, I am not, nor are my Re's.  We have all fought the good fight, only to lose the battle.  Yet, here I am.  Still breathing.  Still moving.  Still praying, with my faith as strong as ever.

I feel like I can't get enough... of Him.  I feel like I want more... of Him.  He is what I need, He is who I  am clinging to.  My faith isn't wavering.  It is like he has taken me on this journey, not to hurt me, but to grow me. Not to shake my faith, but to make it unshakeable.

God you are good, oh so good to me.  Even in this.  Even in this brokenness.  Even in losing my babies.

Surrender means waiting.  Waiting to see what God is going to do next.  Not moving an inch in any area until the fog has lifted and the path is clear.  God, I am waiting on you.

So here I sit, not still, still moving, searching, praying, filling my mind with Him and His words of truth.  I am focusing on Him and his promises for me.  That "He loves me and will never forsake me," that, "If He is for me than who ever can be against me," that "He is faithful," and that I can "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding."

I wait, Fully surrendered to what the Lord has for me and my family.

Friday, October 28, 2016

WTF appointment and such...

It's getting spooky around here πŸ‘»πŸŽƒ we are getting ready for a big Halloween Bash at our house tomorrow!
Just an update on all things ttc... I had my follow up WTF appt. basically my RE gave me two options, use a surrogate or try again. He thinks it's immune issues. He also gave our last two embryos each a 90% success rate, and I lost them πŸ˜ͺ Our last two he gave them an 80%. It makes sense though bc the only thing that has changed with my health is allergies! Since having my twins I get them super bad which means my immune system is over active. I got my immune records and it showed my anti-cardiolipins were elevated or high, also some NK cells. So, I have been doing some major research on my own! I found some articles that were very promising about adding prednisone, specifically 20mg starting at 'ovulation' until 12 weeks. Lots of success stories there! I am in the process of getting approval with that protocol. Also, I am adding the natural form of wobenzyme which has anti inflammatory properties and is also supposed to help! I have an appt with a naturopath Tuesday.
Most importantly I have completely surrendered this to the Lord! I feel a sense of peace and calm. We have also filled out adoption applications just incase. If God closes this door I am praying he will open another! πŸ’•πŸ™ŒπŸ» Happy Halloween everyone!!!

Saturday, October 15, 2016

At a loss...

How can this be us? This is our fourth loss. First with PGS normal embryos. Not sure if I told you all but we lost two boys πŸ’”πŸ’” I am seriously so lost and broken hearted. I don't even know where to go from here. We have two embryos left, but I think my uterus is destroying them. We did everything this cycle... hysteroscopy and resected a uterine septum (third time), RPL panal, added lovenox, intralipids, I did an uterine receptivity test, we finally had PGS normal embryos. There is nothing left. I've done the scratch thing too! Wasted thousands and thousands of dollars over two IVF's and seven transfers.. nothing to show for it but broken hearts and many babies in heaven... seven transfers and 10 beautiful embryos. Now only God can give us answers. How in the world did I have my twins?1.
Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine this would be us. All my boys wanted was a baby sister, we tried. This has all been such a test to our faith. I know God loves us, but no one should go through thisπŸ˜ͺ  

I will have my WTF appointment and then decide what to do next, if anything. Surrogacy may be our only option for our remaining two. C texted me and said we should adopt a baby girl, today. We'll see! Researching options...

Friday, October 14, 2016

Beta... transfer eight.

19.... Heartbroken 😭 two PGS normals. I guess I'm just supposed to only be a mother to two.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Beta EVE.... 10dp6dt

Even with all my 'symptoms' I'm scared to death! I could really use some prayers. And after I post this, I will be doing some praying myself! I know these little embryos are in His hands. This was our SEVENTH transfer ttc a sibling for our twins. I went into it thinking it might be our last, regardless of outcome. I have seen/heard so many times "I'm so sorry Sara" I just can't bare to hear it one more time. Our first MC the beta was a 33, we lost that one at 6 weeks and I had a natural MC. Our second MC our beta was 120 something, I was excited! We finally were over 100. The second beta dropped to 88 😒. Our third the embryos started to implant than fizzled right before beta. My heart has been broken more times than anyone deserves, and I know some of you ladies have been through worse! I can't bear it! I need to lean on Jesus to carry me. We need a breakthrough... we need a miracle! In Jesus name! πŸ™ŒπŸ» 

I did it without poas. So proud of myself. Gave this whole cycle over to the Lord, laid it at his feet. All I want is His will and not mine... I just do pray it contains a miracle or two❤️πŸ™πŸ»

Symptoms increasing: fatigue, wanted to sleep on the couch this afternoon but boys didn't let me. Increased appetite, it's a different type of hunger I can't explain. Bb's growing and sore, bloating so bad and not going anywhere, gassy, craving salty foods. Tonight I ate my kids organic chicken fingers and ketchup and dipped carrots in the ketchup 😱 So strange for me!

Sunday, October 9, 2016

6dp6dt Symptoms... Transfer number Eight!

Symptoms:  I woke up at 5 am again, this time with a migraine.  It has been coming and going all day.  I remember this with my twins but that didn't start until I was past six weeks!  Maybe its from the estradiol shots? My bb's are extremely sore and definitely growing.  My stomach is crazy bloated and not going anywhere!  I'm also already craving pickles and salty foods... and my appetite has increased!  

I think this week is going to drag... five days until BETA!  C doesn't want me taking a pregnancy test, even though I KNOW I'm pregnant!  I may have to sneak one on tuesday when I will be four weeks!  I seriously can't believe how pregnant I feel already!  This is crazy... In a very good way!

The Test of Faith Through Infertility

I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.

Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.

In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.

Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!

I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️
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