Friday, February 26, 2016

In progress... IVF #3 FET #1

The estrogen is kicking my butt!  I've been exhausted and getting random headaches the last few days since upping my patches from two to four.  This usually doesn't happen. Usually I feel great, but then crash from all the hormones after a cycle is OVER.

Other than that, I have been TRING to stay busy and not think about this process to try to guard my heart from more heart break, but man is that hard!  I can't wait until lining check, next Wednesday!  I can't wait until transfer day!!  I can't wait to symptom spot (please God let this little one be it!)!

I am ALSO planning a trip, just in case, for July or August, to Greece, Italy or somewhere in Europe!  Not purchasing, just researching.  Traveling is in my blood, I love it!  I love to explore the world and all the different cultures.  We will be taking the boys too.  They LOVE to travel too!  Also, we are planning to visit my cousin next summer of 2017 in the Philippines.  She is a missionary there and I plan to take the family to help her on the mission field!

So, yes, I, no WE, desperately want this baby who is on our hearts, this baby that I felt God laid on our hearts.  Maximus just today asked for a baby sister again!  We so want our little 5AA, but I am also planning on our future as a complete family of four!

Monday, February 22, 2016

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Hope By a Thread... IVF#3 FET#1

I started AF two days ago, finally.  I had a 34 day cycle. Not too shabby for us with PCOS...  Last month it was a 30 day.  Just an update on taking Pregnitude, I have not taken it in over a year.  I do feel that it helped, but now I realize a clean, all natural diet is more prudent to keep my cycles regular and my weight in check.

I am in progress for my FET, CD 2 today.  Going for my day 3 blood work and u/s tomorrow.

I have to be honest, my heart still breaks.  My heart is so guarded.  I feel like I cannot get my hopes up with our 5AA.  I am having to stay distant or rather disconnected from this process.

Originally, I was thinking if this didn't take I may be up for one more IVF, but now, I think this may really be our last shot.

The thought of dragging this out anymore, pumping my body full of more hormones that I know are NOT good for me, is just to much for me to bare.

So this is me, holding on to hope by a thread, having faith that God knows what is best, and truly praying for a HUGE miracle.

Dr. Amin started me an antihistamine protocol a few weeks ago, per the other doctor I visited suggested it.  I am taking one pepcid and one claritin in the morning and one pepcid in the evening.  I do have horrible allergies so I'm hoping it helps.  I started my E2 patches on CD1.  Tentatively transfer is going to be March 9, lining check March 2.

Taken February 13, 2016 (9 years since our proposal). 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

And then there was one... IVF #3

Sorry for the delay, I've been processing all that happened!

After our amazing 100% fertilization report, it all went south.  Saturday I got a call, not from the lab, but from Dr. Amin.  From my previous experience, I knew this wasn't good.   Apparently on day five we had ZERO embryo's good enough to biopsy, but three that could potentially make it on day six.

My heart broke. Again.

On one hand I am SO glad we used all of our eggs, on the other hand, why does this keep happening!?

Dr. Amin called Sunday, and she let know that we had ONE 5AA (I've never had a 5AA!), and that was all.  Ironically, I had been praying for (at least) ONE (normal) 5AA all week!  I even had it written in my kitchen so I would remember to pray about it when I saw it!  See...

We had to make a decision to test or not to test, to do another cycle to get more to test, or just transfer it.  I really wish my cycle was aligned because I would have just had them put it right in!

I talked to C about it.  He just wants to transfer it.  I'm not going to lie and say I'm excited.  I'm scared to death!  The thought of going through this again, not knowing if its even normal and we could miscarry... again... terrify's me.  But, we are going to transfer it next cycle, say a prayer and  cross our fingers.

All we were praying for was one healthy baby from this.  Could this be THE ONE!?!?

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