Monday, February 22, 2016
My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four. They like estrogen (e2) over 100.
I woke up feeling sad for some reason. Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA. I just felt kind of down in the dumps. I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant. And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.
When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray. I don't like this feeling. This feeling of envy. I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys. I didn't expect to feel it again.
I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this. I was wrong.
Why was I wrong? Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with. He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."
Church yesterday was so good! Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much! Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..." I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!
As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,' I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST. I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them. I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH." He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.
With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened. I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on. For now i will TRUST.