Blood is drawn!

Its been three days since my last beta.  Not sure why they do it every three days instead of two.  Its so much easier to calculate two, I think.  But, I'm so nervous!  Anxiously waiting the result.

I'm homeschooling Rocco and Maximus this year, but they have been going to a homeschool campus and taking classes.  Let me tell you, trying to teach twins is no easy feat.  However, this year has been such a blessing in growth and direction for all of us.  I really felt that God led us down the road to homeschooling.  However, next year, they are going to be at a local Christian school, I am SOOO excited about!  It is an amazing school, Christ centered.

I decided to finish up May just homeschooling at home, no more classes.  So to pass the time of the BETA results, we had a beautiful day at the nature center in Newport Beach.  Its 1:52 here, and I feel like I should be getting a call any minute!

Here are a few pics from our day...

And last but not least... MORE POAS... ;-)

Beta #1 @ 12 dpt = 291

Beta #2 @ 15 dpt = ???

BETA #2 is... 997!!!!!

I was shooting for 900, so I will take it!  Looks like our little bean is growing right on track!  The bad news is that my Progesterone was only 8.2, so I'm now going to be adding nightly PIO, but anything for this little miracle!  Praise Jesus!

3dp6dt Transfer numero eight!

Houston, we have symptoms!

I got super bloated from being on Lupron for so long. After stopping, it took a while to go back down.  The day of transfer I woke up and thought, "wow, the bloat is gone!  My stomach is finally going back to normal!"  I actually thought I looked thin again!  Well that is GONE!

This morning I woke up and thought my stomach looked a little bloated and C agreed, but then I didn't think much of it.  As the day went on, I started getting very tired and foggy headed, boobs started getting much more sore, and tonight... I got the bloat!  The bloat I can't suck in... I can't believe it!!!  I'm 90% sure as least one of these little ones attached!  Please Lord keep them growing big, strong and healthy!

The breakdown...

AM:  Woke up multiple times last night, once to pee, vivid dreams (the last couple nights), slightly bloated, hungry, made out with DH and his mouth tasted like metal!

Lunch: opened my salad and it smelled stinky to me, I almost didn't eat it.  Tired and foggy headed, sore bb's and more pulling on the left side in pelvic area.

PM: Sore bb's, and the bloat is back!!!

Please pray for us!!!

2dp6dt- Transfer Number Eight!

AM- Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero. Symptoms. Cramps gone. Feel nothing. Boobs slightly tender from progesterone.

Lunch time- Maybe I feel something in my uterus a little heaviness.  Some tweaks and pulls. Tired. Headachy.

Evening- Headaches that come and go.  More pulls on the left side kind of by my ovary area. Fatigue. Sore bb's.  DH mentioned my bb's look big... All progesterone related.

Still doing 1cc PIO and 2 crinone/day.  My mom came over today to help and today is my last day of bedrest, thank goodness!  All you do on BR is obsess over every little thing!  I am sending my mom home with all my cheapo wandfo tests.  I don't want ANY temptations in the house!  Just getting them out of here relieves some stress for me!  I THINK I'm going to wait for BETA... which is next Friday.  Unless I get that I'm totally pregnant feeling! ;-)

In the mean time... I'm PREGNANT... until proven otherwise!!!

Transfer Day!

The night before transfer I was calm and filled with peace (as I wrote in prev post).  I slept great, woke up refreshed, had a quiet time.  I have been loving my prayer life with the Lord.  I started journaling my prayers and it really helps me to focus and open up.  Anyway, we ate breakfast, got the kids ready for Disneyland, Nonna and Papa were taking them, and we were off!

We had to be there at 9am... then we waited.  At first this really irritated me about my new RE.  Always waiting, but then I realized it was because he was the best in the area and totally slammed!  So I changed my attitude and decided he was worth the wait.  We waited 1 hour and 40 min before being called back.  Thankfully I prepped Chris on the waiting, so he was able to work the whole time on his laptop. A little annoying, but okay because he was there with me.

Dr. P came in with a pic of our perfectly normal embryos.  He said they were completely hatched out of their shell but didn't give me any grades.  Apparently calling them 6's is old school.  This place is much more advanced than what I'm used to for sure!  He left for a few and came back in, prepped me,  inserted a catheter which I saw on the screen and said that another catheter would go through it carrying our embabes! It was so fast!  I saw two beautiful flashes and they were there, back to where they belong.

I laid there for about 15 minutes before I was sent back to the surgery center for another round of lipids.  I closed my eyes, listened to an IVF meditation on Youtube and rel

axed.

I came home and I'm now on three days of bedrest.  It was a perfect day... although I really missed my boys, I was thankful they were gone so I could rest in peace and let these little ones implant (hopefully!).  I keep hearing Pomegranate juice is so good for implantation so I made a mocktail of Cold pressed Pomegranate and San Pellegrino.  Very delicious!

I also did my first lovenox injection.  I heard it burns and it does!  It feels like menapur, so it wasn't SO bad, I just pushed it in slow. :)

 I will post my 1dpt on another post...

Transfer Eve...

Chris and I were just going over what number transfer this is.  He thinks its six I think its eight or I'm considering it the eighth!

Transfer ONE- IVF #1- My beautiful twins
Transfer TWO- IVF #2-FET 1- SET BFP low beta of 33, miscarried at 6 weeks.
Transfer THREE- FET 2-SET BFN
Transfer FOUR- FET 3- SET BFN
Transfer FIVE- FET 4- two embryos- BFP Beta 120ish - second Beta 89ish :(
Transfer SIX- Using my frozen eggs- embryo died. Didn't transfer, but I count it, bc it died day of transfer :(
Transfer SEVEN- IVF #3- Two beautiful 6aa blasts. started to implant then fizzed out.
Transfer EIGHT- PGS- Two blasts- ???

Looking at this is scary. Daunting. Heart wrenching for anyone to go through this.  I can't believe it was me!  This doesn't count the surgeries, IUI's, hundreds of injections, pills, thousands of dollars, and months TTC on our own!  I can ask why me God, but I already know the answer!  God has been using this to work big things in my heart.  I have always been one who can 'figure it out' to make it work.  This is the one thing in my life, I can't.  I have to rely totally on God.  I have no idea what the future holds, if we get our miracle(s), or not, if this will be our last transfer, or not.  But looking at this knowing what we did this cycle to make it work,  I can't imagine anything else will help it happen.

This cycle I feel like I have completely let go.  I had one or two days of anxiety about my progesterone.  But thank God, I got approval about doing the PIO and Corinne.  Other than that, I just stopped talking about it, not with my IRL friends, not with my bible study, I don't really want prayers... Okay I do really want prayers, but I don't really want to ask people I know!  I feel like I'm done with all that.  God knows my heart.  God knows the desires of my heart, and he also knows what is best for us.  This is it.  I'm at peace, totally calm about tomorrow.  I pray this peace will continue through the 2ww and beyond!

So, tomorrow, I have to be there at 9am.  After transfer I do another intralipids via IV. I start lovenox tomorrow night, a little scared about that because I heard it burns, and those bruises look terrible :(

FET with PGS

I don't even know what number FET this is, but I know this one is going completely different! Not sure if it's the new protocol? Being on BCP's so long bc of our trip? Or just a fluke thing? Well, we had some big bumps in the road this FET cycle! First I've never had to do bcp's and Lupron for an FET. After I stopped the pills, I had a period, but then my lining was still thick! My re had me stay on the Lupron a week longer to hopefully help it thin. Then I went back and there was fluid in it 😖 so then I had to have it drained a few days later! Finally, I started my estrogen shots! Did one round of intralipids, I go back Monday for a lining check. Just this past Monday my lining was already at 13😳!  Re said it looked great and shouldn't get much thicker. We are finally on track. Transfer is going to be in 12 days!!!! We plan on transferring two PGS normals... After two years trying for a sibling for our twins and countless tears, we are praying this is it! We are also adding lovenox soon!

Right now we are in Santa Barbara! My DH just opened an office here on state street, expanding his business! We love it here! I'm so extremely proud of him! God is so good!

A wish upon a puff...

We all know what you do when you blow on a dandelion puff... make a wish!  My boys love to blow these and make wishes.  I've taught them however, that thesewishes are like prayers to heaven, so that they always know who is listening.  A few days ago, Rocco wished upon a puff and said, "I wish for a baby in Mommy's tummy,"  I really pray these little "prayer wishes" make it to heaven and get answered!  It made me tear up a little when he said that so I wanted to document it here!  :)

Transfer is scheduled!!

Eeeek!  I'm excited... anxiously excited for MONDAY!  Yup!  That is just around the corner and will be here before we know it!

Lining was 11.8 today, nice and thick, and actually the thickest ever!  So I am [getting] super hopeful for this little guy or girl.  I gave myself my first shot in the bum today and I must have hit a sweet spot because I am already sore, super sore and it has a welt! Not fun but I'm praying this will be worth it this time.

I know God has a plan, I know he CAN do this, I am just praying he WILL.

Because of everything going on with this FET, we decided it would be best if I stayed home with the boys this year and not join my husband in Hawaii! C makes president club for his company every year and we have been so blessed to have take the boys the last four years!  The weather is not always great, last year was cold and rainy actually, so I hope I am not missing too much.

However, since C is gone for the next four days, I decided to hit San Diego with my boys, just us three.  We just checked into this BEAUTIFUL Spanish style hotel in La Jolla.  We are going to the Zoo tomorrow, and other than that I just want to rest!  I'm super exhausted, dizzy, and headachy from all the meds.

I just changed my E2 patches yesterday (still on 6), but  they are lowering it to four patches again friday (praise Jesus!), because I just don't feel well.  Dr. Amin thinks it has to do with the claritin, but I don't think so.  I felt fine until I started the patches!

I will leave you with a pic of my surfer boys I just took down in the lobby!  :)  Prayers appreciated that I will feel better AND for a major miracle!!!!  Thank you all!

Just Enough

My appointment was as to be expected... lining check 5.4, E2 was at 77 so they had me up my estrogen patches from two to four.  They like estrogen (e2) over 100.

I woke up feeling sad for some reason.  Not excited about this, moving forward with our 5AA.  I just felt kind of down in the dumps.  I kept thinking about all the other women (my IRL friends) that get pregnant so easily, like when they are trying to prevent getting pregnant and accidentally get pregnant.  And me who has been off BCP's since my twins were 12 months old, who has been trying for another baby, who has put in five live embryos so far and still doesn't have another baby.

When I got back home from my appointment, I just sat in my car and needed to cry... and to pray.  I don't like this feeling.  This feeling of envy.  I haven't felt it in such a long time, since before the boys.  I didn't expect to feel it again.

I thought because we were so blessed with our two, I was protected from this.  I was wrong.

Why was I wrong?  Because these feelings are exactly what Satan wants to discourage me with.  He loves to fill our minds with lies, like "How unfair God is," and how "this is His fault."

Church yesterday was so good!  Its on walking by the Spirit and I was reminded so much!  Galations 5:19 says, "Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outburst of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkeness, carousing, and things like these..."  I was so convicted with my feelings and asked the God to forgive me and prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me and change me and my desires because according to Galations 5:22, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."  I don't know about you but I WANT to be filled with those things, those fruits!

As discouraged as I was that we didn't have more embryo's, that we don't even know if our 5AA is 'normal,'  I was reminded of the word God gave me TRUST.  I was reminded that the Holy spirit led us to thaw all of our eggs and ICSI all of them.  I was reminded that our very first prayer when starting this journey for number 3, was "Lord, please give us JUST ENOUGH."  He has given us ONLY ONE perfect 5AA out of 29 eggs.

With that, my faith is restored, and my hope is strengthened.  I still don't know if we will get our baby, but I have to have faith in this crazy path He is taking us on.  For now i will TRUST.

Hope By a Thread... IVF#3 FET#1

I started AF two days ago, finally.  I had a 34 day cycle. Not too shabby for us with PCOS...  Last month it was a 30 day.  Just an update on taking Pregnitude, I have not taken it in over a year.  I do feel that it helped, but now I realize a clean, all natural diet is more prudent to keep my cycles regular and my weight in check.

I am in progress for my FET, CD 2 today.  Going for my day 3 blood work and u/s tomorrow.

I have to be honest, my heart still breaks.  My heart is so guarded.  I feel like I cannot get my hopes up with our 5AA.  I am having to stay distant or rather disconnected from this process.

Originally, I was thinking if this didn't take I may be up for one more IVF, but now, I think this may really be our last shot.

The thought of dragging this out anymore, pumping my body full of more hormones that I know are NOT good for me, is just to much for me to bare.

So this is me, holding on to hope by a thread, having faith that God knows what is best, and truly praying for a HUGE miracle.

Dr. Amin started me an antihistamine protocol a few weeks ago, per the other doctor I visited suggested it.  I am taking one pepcid and one claritin in the morning and one pepcid in the evening.  I do have horrible allergies so I'm hoping it helps.  I started my E2 patches on CD1.  Tentatively transfer is going to be March 9, lining check March 2.

Taken February 13, 2016 (9 years since our proposal). 

3dp5dt FET#4

The last couple days were a breeze... today, hormonal mess!  I feel ultra sensitive, ultra tired, bloated and I have an on again off again headache that I woke up with.  I know it is all related to all the wonderful hormones I am on, but it sure makes it extremely hard not to think... what if?

I know it is WAY too early for any REAL pregnancy symptoms, but feeling like this makes me have POAS on my mind! Do you think I can hold out?  I have one FRER upstairs.  I should just go use it, to get it out of the house!  WHY OH WHY is the 2WW so hard!?

You really forget how difficult it is, until those P4 symptoms kick into high gear!

I've been pretty crampy since 1dpt, but I will list yesterdays...

• 2dp6dt- cramps, twinges, EXHAUSTED by 3pm (I couldn't finish putting away the groceries I had to lay down!), not a huge appetite.

• 3dp5dt- woke up with a dull headache and its been coming and going today, cramps still, maybe my bb's are getting sore (?), emotional, really tired all day, not a big appetite.

One thing I forgot to mention prior to transfer...  So a week prior to transfer I had been reading about assisted hatching and noticed on all the sites that it mentioned that the steroid, Medrol is necessary to take so your body doesn't reject the embryos and have an inflammatory response. Well, once I realized that, I immediately called my RE's office to speak to a nurse.  Only Barbara was available and she is not my favorite.  She always seems to make me feel like I'm asking too many questions.  Anyway, she said that they no longer use Medrol because new studies have shown it doesn't help either way.

That was not good enough for me!

I emailed Dr. A. and she said that it was true that they didn't normally give Medrol anymore, but looking back at my twins cycle, I WAS ON MEDROL!!!! Can you believe that!?  She said it would be up to me if I wanted it again.  I replied, "absolutely since that was my one cycle that worked!"

I can't help but wonder if that was my missing link for the last three cycles!  So LAME!

This journey can be so frustrating!

I started the Medrol Sunday and finished yesterday.  I had to take 4 pills a day for 4 days.

This morning I also woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach too!  I realized that Assisted Hatching, AH, was not mentioned at transfer and it wasn't on my embryo report.  I have been on the phone with my RE, and no one has an answer for me!  Apparently they are short handed in the lab and the embryologies haven't gotten back!  I just want to confirm it was done... for peace of mind, I guess!

I told C about my fears that AH wasn't preformed.  His reply, "Gods bigger than assisted hatching!" Duh!  He is so confident this is going to work this time!  I love it!  I really need some verses to rebuke doubt right now!  I think I will google some...

Wow!  For those of you who need a kick in the pants on FAITH, read Hebrews 11.  So good!

Less than One Week To Go! FET #4

I can't believe we are finally on the countdown to transfer! It is here and it's getting real folks! We are both excited, ready, anxious... I don't want to say scared, scared isn't the right word, I'm at peace that this is our last and final, but I'm nervous about what is to be. What is the answer going to be?

It has been interesting over here. A lot has been happening which has me to believe God has and is truly at work in our lives right now. A ton of prayers have been getting answered, like a ton!  So much has been on my heart and it feels like God has been using this time get my "ducks in a row, " so to speak.  Its weird and I almost can't even explain it!  Here are some examples...

*After years of praying for him, my husband is getting baptized!  He has been totally growing spiritually this year, and I have to believe it is because of what we have been going through that he is ready to fully commit his life to God.

*I am getting re-baptized.  I was baptized when I was 12 in a Seventh Day Adventist church. I chose to be baptized, but I had no relationship with Jesus.  I did it because my friends were and I thought I should.  Soon after I stopped going to church, questioned if there was a God, and became a stoner/Hippy during High School.  I became a born again Christian at 22.  I really wanted to get rebaptized then, but was told I "didn't need" to because I already was baptized at 12.  Well, I really feel God put that on my heart then, and I should have listened.  I have questioned it since!  I am SO excited to be getting baptized again... and with my husband! God is so good!

*A few weeks ago I met this really nice old lady who just moved into a senior center.  She mentioned that her kids/grandkids won't come and visit her.  God laid it on my heart!  So when I was leaving I ran into her in the parking lot and asked if the boys and I could come visit her, she said yes.  It had been a few weeks and I kept trying to go, but one of us kept getting sick!  Its been hanging over my shoulder.  Monday, we did it!  I made some paleo pumpkin muffins and brought them to her with fall flowers.  It was very nice visit and it felt so good serving.  She wants us to come back and make Italian cookies!  Yes please!

*For the last few years my relationship with my brothers has been almost non existent, even though we used to be extremely close.  The only way we would ever take or hangout is if I called, etc.  I have been so hurt by it and had been telling my parents that I was over them!  I felt that they just didn't care about me.  Well, just last Sunday, we decided to head up to my parents on a whim.  My brother came in storming mad at me because we didn't call him and tell him we were at my parents (we live an hour away!).  I was shocked and didn't know how to respond at first.  Long story short, we cleared up the relationship, I am relieved to know my brother loves me.  I called my other brother that night too and made plans to hang out!  God is good!

*This is maybe not as serious, but I truly feel this is a miracle.  My sons have Micky Mouse dolls that we take each trip to Disneyland every time we go.  They got them their very first time there and are very attached.  Last week Maximus lost his at Disneyland.  We didn't know if it was on a ride, or if it fell off the stroller?  As soon as we realized it was gone, the boys and I prayed!  We prayed that the right person would find it.  We went to Lost and Found gave the description and hoped for the best.  I got a call Monday that they found Maximus' Mickey Mouse!  I was shocked and in awe at what an amazing God we have!

Here is a pic of us on the way that day...

The benefit of bringing Mickey every time is the boys don't feel the need for something new all the time!  The appreciate what they have.  They are mailing the other Mickey and it should be here any time.  They can't wait to be reunited ;-)

The list goes on and on!  I just feel like God is preparing me for something big!  I pray its two new miracles!

I did my first PIO shot today... transfer is in five more days!  I've quit caffeine, no more wine... We are SO ready!

Results of Endo Biopsy.

Negative.

This means that my uterus is ready to go, and had been ready to go these last three try's.  This means that there is nothing more we can do.  This means that we continue to put the lives of these embryos in our Fathers hands.  This means that we continue to pray that they will make a life, each of them.

Trust.

I trust in His plan and his will for my life and these embryos lives.  I have surrendered to His design.

Amen.

Change of Plans...

I had been feeling very unsettled, and frustrated, to say the least. This last month, while on "Reset," I emailed Dr. R.  Dr. R moved full time to the Beverly Hills office and no longer does appointments in the Orange County office, where I am.  I had been feeling like I was slipping through the cracks.  No one was taking charge of us, or being our advocate.  Here is my email, copied and pasted...

Hi Dr. R!

I called your office to make an appointment, but your first avail was Sept 17 and I should be starting a new cycle next week.  Sorry, I didn't call sooner!  We are actually in Hawaii right now and enjoying the 'break,' but are ready to try again.

So, this is where we are at.  We have two 'just okay' six day embryos left, which is why we want to transfer both AND this will also be our last time trying.  If these don't work, we want to close this chapter and just enjoy our family of four, which we are beyond blessed with and so thankful for!

However, since this is our last time trying, we want to make sure we do EVERYTHING right and ask all the right questions.  This can be our follow up! :)

1. Why do you think the last three transfers didn't take? Bad embryos? Bad batch?  Does my body not like frozen embryo's?  

2. Before my last transfer, I asked the nurse about doing assisted hatching.  She said that is usually done at the time the embryo's are made and before freezing.  Is this true?  Do we have this option? Do you think this will help?  If it is an option, why has no one suggested it?

3. I did a little reading, I googled specifically, "three failed FET's,"  and found that uterine scratching/biopsy gave a 20% increase in implantation. Do you do this?  Should we do this?

4. What else if anything can we do to make this cycle successful?

5. I also read that Immune problems can cause your IVF to be unsuccessful.  I know I've already been pregnant and given birth, but could I have something new?

6.  Can we have Christine be our embryologist at transfer time?  :)  Looking forward to going to back to Redondo.

7. Do the different offices of Rep Partners have different success rates?

Okay I think that is all!  I wish I had you for all of my other transfers, but I'm hoping to make this last one a taker!  Praying for our take home baby! :)

Thank you Dr. R!

Chris and Sara

 

It took him FIVE days to respond.  I felt like I was bothering him.  Apparently they over book at the BH's office, and they even had Kim Kardashian as a patient, so that makes them more in high demand.

 

Anyway, my nurse had to call him before I could get a response!  His reply's were short and didn't really give me much of anything for comfort.  No other plan.

 

Here is his response...

 

Sara and Chris

 

I hope that you enjoyed (or are still enjoying) your vacation.

 

I understand your wanting to  transfer 2 embryos.  You just need to acknowledge the risk and understand the risk of twins.
1)      I do not know what you haven’t conceived.  Everything looks great.  It could be simply that we have found the normal embryo(s) for this cycle yet.
2)      We routinely hatch embryos when we do day 3 transfers and in day 5 when the zonas (the “shell”) is thickened.  We can do it if you want on the embryos prior to transfer.  We just have to get the lab a note
3)      Uterine scratching does not work.  We thought it did but more information has been generated and most MDs feel that it is not helpful.
4)      ???
5)      Nothing immunologic that we know of will be helpful in your case.
6)      If you want Kris to help, we can asked her.
7)      The clients are different so the successes are a little different but these differences are NOT real.

 

Dr. R

 

This gave me no hope. Except, maybe we just haven't found our one good embryo?  I wasn't settled.  I messaged another Dr in the practice anonymously on a forum they have. He replied that it was true that the scratch has now been found to not really add to anything, but suggested a biopsy of my lining, that will also include the scratch so when "next year they find it to work again, you will have done it!"

 

BAM!  I like how this doctor thinks! 

 

However, I no longer felt comfortable to email of ask Dr. R.  I called my nurse, she called Dr. R, and asked him to call me, I received a text from him that said, "yes, that is probably as good idea."

 

Seriously!? Probably!? Probably is not good enough for me!  I need to hear a definitive yes or no!  The next morning I called again in tears.  I spoke to Patty, she is so sweet, and totally understood my frustration.  I spoke with Dr. A, whom I also totally trust.  She told me that she was surprised I came up with the Endometrium biopsy on my own and that she wanted to suggest it to me after our last appointment, but I wasn't her patient!  I told her that Dr. R had stopped being my advocate after he moved and I was slipping through the cracks.  She agreed.  She scheduled me for the following day.

 

The following day, which was this past Friday, I had Endo Scratch/biopsy done!  It wasn't bad at all, and I'm usually such a baby.  I took 800 mg of ibuprofen, said a prayer asking the Lord to take away the pain, and I barely felt cramps.  It took less than five minutes and felt like a pap smear at most.  I've been spotting the last couple days and have had ZERO pain, and the bleeding is now stopping.

 

With only two embryo's left, I really wanted to make sure we crossed all of our T's and dotted all of our i's.  I just couldn't go through another FET doing the same thing and hoping for the best.  I will get the result of the biopsy at the end of the week.  They are looking for inflammation or an infection which is pretty common and asymptomatic.  If all is normal, at least we did the scratch! 

 

We were supposed to transfer this coming Friday, but now Dr. A had me start prometrium to start my period.... then we will do our last and final FET.

 

Sorry this post was so long!  I had so much to get off my chest.  I honestly believe, God is using this time to grow my faith, and help me to trust him MORE... even if nothing comes from all of this. The day of my break down, I was feeling not only frustrated with my doctor care, or lack there of, but also frustrated that I wasn't seeing a clear cut path on what we should do, like we did with the boys.  When we went through IVF with the boys, I was calm, I felt peace and totally trusted the Lords leading.  I've felt lost this time.  I realized that day, that I needed to give these embryos over to the Lord, they are his after all, not mine.  Just like I did in the past.  I pictured the cross up on a hill, and a duffle bag, with "embryos" written across it.  I push it to the cross, because he promises to carry our burdens for us!

 

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is east to bear and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30

 

I can honestly say, I feel peace.  No matter the outcome, I know I can trust Him, and I know his plans are for good.

 

Our last chance....

I want to start by thanking those of you who commented on my last post.  Thank you for your kind words and words of encouragement.  I definitely needed some time to mourn the loss of yet another embryo and chance to give Rocco and Maximus a sibling.  C was very devastated too. He thought for sure our third embryo would be a taker.

The past month has been so good for us.  A break from TTC, and a chance to just be 'us' again.  Breaks are SO good!  Its hard taking breaks especially the older I am getting, and I'm sure some of you can relate.  I'm 34, and I always said I would be done by 35, God always has a way of changing our plans doesn't he?

But here we are, we have two "okay" embryos left.  We are transferring both. Its funny what IF does to a person.  In the beginning, C was VERY adamant about only wanting one baby, and only transferring one embryo.  But after almost 1 year since we started the journey for #3, we just want a healthy baby or two!  We want better chances, and to be done.  IF takes such a toll every month.  Every negative or loss is heartbreaking, and it takes time to recover again.

My boys ask me for a baby sister.  Just yesterday Rocco said, "I want God to give me a baby sister."  I replied, "I want God to give you a baby sister too!  Sometimes God says 'no' or 'not yet' and we don't always know why.  But Mommy loves you and Maximus SO much, and I am SO happy with just us!"  It might just be us four, and I have to be okay with it, I can be okay with it... I will be okay with it.  Please Lord help me be content if your answer is no!

I've been looking into adoption as well, not to seriously yet, but a little.  I've looked at international verses domestic. Both are hard and take a lot of time.  I'm open to it, but the process is difficult. We really need to pray about it. And its hard to think about when we still have two beautiful blasts waiting to go home in my uterus.

Last cycle post FET #3 was a fast one, 34 days.  I  had a feeling it would be a good one since I felt really good and healthy. Today I'm CD6 and am my E2 Vivelle dots.  Our tentative transfer date it September 25.

What we are doing different this cycle?  Starting at square one...  Going back to where we conceived our sons.  We are transferring our embryos to the Redondo Beach office, Dr. R (my original dr) will be doing my transfer, I am having Kristine be our embryologist (she was our embryologist with our boys), and we are doing assisted hatching (that will be different.).

I want to say I'm hopeful, but my heart breaks in reality.  I don't want to lose these last two.  I'm praying these will be our take home babies, both of them.  I'll take the bedrest, I'll take the pains, I'll take the C-section, I'll take it all for these two little ones to make it.  I love these two. 

I loved all of them.  Each one has caused me heartbreak each one has caused me to love it, and want it.  I just have to believe, the ones we lost will be waiting for me in Heaven.  That is only what makes sense to my feelings.  They were a life, they were alive, they just didn't make it.

Maybe Third Times the Charm?

6dp5dt I tested because last time I got my first BFP that early... BFN!  

7dp5dt I tested because IF it would surely be positive by now if it was going to work... BFN!

8dp5dt I tested because I had spotting and I REALLY wanted to take my patches off and stop all meds (but didn't)... BFN!  I also started getting sore BB's this day, super late, not a good sign.

9dp5dt I woke up to my period. BAM! BIG FAT NEGATIVE! This was on Fourth of July.

Back to the drawing board again  

What an emotional roller coaster!  I was on and off the phone with the nurses at my RE for the last few days, then texting my RE, Dr. R., on Fourth of July!  He is the BEST, helping me on the holiday no less.

I was really back and forth prior to starting this last cycle, on weather or not to do PIO (progesterone in oil) or the suppositories again.  My gut was telling me PIO, but my bum was telling me suppositories.  I also talked one of the RE's about it (Dr. C) and she said they were the same basically, but you can't check the P4 level  with the suppositories in the blood.

After speaking with Dr. R, I AM doing the PIO this cycle.  There is no way I should be having all this bleeding problem, so my body isn't absorbing the P4 well.  So maybe my 4AA (the one I miscarried) was viable and I just needed more p4? We'll never know, but it makes me sad.  My poor 3 AB didn't make it either! :(

I'm cd3 today and bleeding very heavily... 1 super + every 2 hours! Yesterday was worse.  I had my lining check today and my lining is still pretty thick, 9mm, which means I still have many days of bleeding to do :(  Starting some iron supplements so I don't get anemic again!

The good news is that we are jumping right in to another FET! Yay!  I'm so happy they don't make you wait a cycle if you get a BFN!

My updated protocol and  schedule...

CD3- lining check and blood test, start E2 patches

CD8- blood test again

CD10- having an office hysteroscopy and u/s to make sure there isn't anything in there (polyps, m/c leftovers, fibroid, etc.

CD14- u/s to check lining again and get transfer date!

CD21 - Tentative transfer day and we are transferring a six day 4 AB (July 23)

The last few days of my 2ww I didn't update because I ended up getting really sick with a sinus infection, having to get on antibiotics, and I was EXHAUSTED, physically from the sickness and emotionally from the 2WW.  Luckily it was right before the Fourth so we ending up have an amazing day.  We rode our bikes to watch the annual Huntington Beach parade and then we had a big swim party with fireworks.  It was a good day after a crappy 2WW... and yes, I enjoyed my wine! ;)

Having Faith Through Pain... Six Week Miscarriage

I'm doing better than I thought I would, considering.

Friday was rough.  I cried on and off through out the day, but I had to still be a mom which kept me busy, thankfully!  The hardest part was having to tell our friends and family who were so excited for us that we lost this baby.  I know so many people wait to announce their pregnancy's, but you know what, I am so thankful we had such a support of people praying for us, and giving us time to grieve. 

I posted this on my Instagram and my FB page on Saturday morning and I thought I would share it on here.  This was from my daily quiet time I spend with Jesus...

Psalm 23 is always what I turn to when I need reassurance, peace, comfort, strength. I am so thankful for the Lord and what He has done in my life. As a Christian, we are not promised a life without pain, or hurt, but we are promised a savior to comfort us, and guide us through the dark valley's, which we all go through. Sometimes things don't make sense, but I know the Lord is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good, no matter the circumstances. He never fails, but His plans are right, just, and fair, even when we can't see it. He is ALWAYS with us. I will rest in His green meadows, where I will find peace. Thank you Jesus for being my light in the world of darkness. Amen.

After reading and praying, I felt ready to move on.  Chris and I took the boys on a family run, we ran errands, rested, made dinner and enjoyed a bottle of wine.  It was nice to spend some quality time together as a family.  

Sunday, I was feeling good as well, but when we got to church, I ran into a lady who knew, she hugged me and tears began, again.  Church was so moving.  Worship was awesome, I could praise Jesus and thank Him for what he has given us.  I look forward to meeting that little babe who is now in a better place.  God is good.

(TMI) Right after church I went to the bathroom and there it was, my period. ugh!  Heavy and horrible.  I read that you aren't supposed to use tampons after a miscarriage because your cervix dilates, so I've been wearing pads... Not fun.  It just felt like a regular heavy period, that was until last night.  I woke up clenching the pillow having what felt like contractions about 1 min apart.  I was in the worst pain!  I  had to stand up and was leaning over my bed clenching like I was in labor!  I went to the bathroom and I heard a big plop, looking in the toilette and saw a pretty big clot, of which I am assuming were the remains.  It was terrible.  However, after that, the pains subsided and I went back to sleep.  My period has been very light today, just spotting red.

I am sad about everything but I am now ready to move on and try again!  One more period to go and we'll be back on the saddle!  

In the mean time... working out, eating clean (with the occasional glass of wine!), and my PCOS supplements!

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Maybe Baby? BETA LIMBO... and BETA #2

This past weekend was so nice to get away.  Part of me wanted to cancel the trip, because of this BETA LIMBO we've found ourselves in, yet I knew we REALLY needed some time away without the kids.  We haven't had a weekend away since last August!

Getting ready for our dinner date!

We stayed at this quaint little hotel nestled in the hills of  Santa Barbara with little cottages for the guests.  It had a B&B feel to it, yet a total romantic getaway... wine and cheese at 5 (except me!)!  We loved it!

Little cottages at night

Saturday C and I did a four mile hike down into the canyon walking along stream.  It felt amazing to be out in the fresh air with nature.  I really needed it with all this stress.  I was beyond exhausted when I got home and just wanted to take a nap, pool side.

The gorgeous hike!

Making it to the top!  So proud of us!   And p.s.  That cleavage was NOT there two weeks ago! ;-)

So what do you do on vacation when you might, maybe, be pregnant, and are surrounded by wine... EAT, EAT, EAT!  We got room service for breakfast.  And yes, I ate all of that!

One of the coolest parts of this hotel was that the Chef grew much of his own produce and it was organic!  You all know I'm a natural health fanatic! I was in heaven!

So with all this R&R, all I could think about was this MAYBE BABY.  Can I just say, I don't know whats worse a BFN, or this LIMBO.  The whole weekend I was fearing the worse!  How could this go well!?  And lets recap... BETA # 1 at 10dp5dt was a measly 33!  

I read blogs, and threads, some good and some bad on our down time.  I became a little obsessed with reading success stories.  I knew it could go either way!  This maybe baby had a 50% shot!  This maybe baby had many people praying for it (my close friends know and my parents).  I had to tell my parents after I got the BETA, I knew this baby needed some prayers, and if it didn't work, I would need some support from my besties and parents.

This is the best part... each day my tests kept getting darker!  I would POAS, come out disappointed and tell C it was lighter, then he would go in to check and say, "No, Sara, its darker now!"  No way!

 These tests work!  The top is from BETA #1 day, at 33 HCG. The middle test is from Saturday, FMU,  and the bottom is from yesterday morning, with diluted urine (after breakfast.)  Can you see the difference?

This morning I went in first thing at 7am so I would be sure to get my results back soon!  I waited and waited and waited.  They've always called in the morning.  Finally at 1:30 I called them!  I was so sick of waiting on eggshells!  For the number to double every 48 hours, it only needed to be at 132.

Low and behold, I cannot believe what my number is... 271 !!!!!!!!!  It more than quadrupled with a doubling time of 31.6 hours, per BetaBase.  This little babe is playing some catch up!

So I think I've figured out what MAY have happened.  FET's sometimes take a blast longer to implant, 1-5 days.  This blast implanted on day 5, which is why I got SUCH a squinter BFP the next day, and it slowly been doubling since then!  So I will likely be 5 days behind when we get to U/S.

I know we aren't out of the woods yet, I go back for another BETA wednesday, but for now, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!! Praise Jesus!!!!

Oh the High's and Low's of IF

Yesterday's high just came crashing down with an extremely low BETA of 33. I'm devastated.  The worst part about it is, I can't take my second BETA until Monday.  I have to live in limbo for the next four days.

Chris and I had this "great plan" to go away this weekend up to Santa Barbara.  If it was negative, we would go wine tasting and if it was positive we would get some R&R.  This strait sucks.

Has anyone had such a LOW BETA and it turn out... or not?  I'm basically 15dpo.  I've never had a miscarriage, I don't know what to expect :(

PINK LINES...

...But they are BARELY getting darker!  I can see why POAS early can be bad!  I'm worried now... although I know I shouldn't be!  God is in control!  He's got this!  This baby is going to stick or not, there is nothing I can do!

Every time I see pictures of people FRER tests they get so much darker! UGH!  What do you all think?

My BETA just got moved to Thursday... Praying!