BETA DAY

Sorry I haven't updated.  It has not been the smoothest 2WW.

 The morning of transfer, I woke up at about 5 am.  I wanted to go have my quiet time.  Today was a big day, and C and I decided it was likely going to be the last time we are going to do this regardless of the outcome (although we have said that many times).  But for some reason, this time it felt more real.  I sat down with my bible and devotion and opened to todays devotional and the heading was TRUST ME ANYWAY.  It was the perfect thing for me to read that morning and honestly the only way I could get through this 2ww.  I'm just going to share my instagram post I wrote that morning...

"I took this picture a few months ago on my way to a hair appointment. The sunset was just so gorgeous that I literally had to pull over the car to capture it. I thanked God for making such a beautiful sunset. Sometimes it seems like they happen at the perfect time, like they were painting just for... me! Do you ever feel that way?

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading in a devotional I actually bought for my kiddos. It brought tears to my eyes. The heading was "Trust Me Anyway" it was like he was speaking directly to me! 

And then the verse... "I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!" John 16:33

God doesn't promise us a problem free life, but he does promise to be with us through the storms. One thing is for certain, when my faith was tested through this journey and our four miscarriages, He NEVER let me go, even when I wanted to. He hung on to me when my faith hung on by a thread. Now, even through SO much heartache, I can stand firm in his love for me. I may never understand the why we had to go through this trial, but Lord, I do trust you anyway."

Transfer went smoothly.  Everything happened as it should.  Usually, I am a nervous wreck, anxiety is at a all time high, but this time was different.  I was calm, relaxed even.  I usually want to go strait home on bedrest, but this time, C and I went out to lunch!  We stopped by a new little restaurant called Eat Chow.  And because everyone always eat Mc Donald's Fries afterward (I just can't do that knowing how many chemicals are in their food!), we ordered some truffle garlic fries instead! OMGosh SO delish!

Then, I went home on bedrest.

Dr. P requires strict bedrest is required for three days (I only did two days with my twins).  The next morning, however, I woke up with a UTI of all things.  I tried to get someone to call in a prescription for me, but no one would.  First I was sent to my labcorp, but they couldn't test with a dip stick, only culture. So, Finally I ended up in urgent care, got my usual macrobid, and went back home.  I was terrified to take an antibiotic thinking it would kill the embryo, but I also didn't want a kidney infection.  I had to remind myself of what I felt God was telling me, "Trust me anyway!"

It cleared up right away, but on the second day, I ended up with a rash all over my abdomen.  It was the macrobid!  I have taken it many times before but now i'm allergic! Great!  My body is attacking the embryo!  TRUST ME ANYWAY!  I stopped the Macrobid after the second day, the third day, the rash was all over my face! Oh this is terrible, I am sure this cycle is a BUST.  TRUST ME ANYWAY!

Pray. Wait. Trust.

Dr's wanted me to take a STRONGER antibiotic Cipro, but since I wasn't having any more UTI symptoms, I decided not to take it.  I picked up a natural alternative called D-Mannose.  I started taking that every three hours when I stopped the macrobid.  Apparently it worked!

My symptoms started 3dp6dt:  Major bloat, sore boobs on the sides, heaviness  and pulling in uterus. I feel like as soon as implantation happens, I get this pooch!  It has progressively gotten bigger and bigger all week!

4dp6dt, I got a squinter on a FRER.  I mean it was like a barely there, am I seeing things squinter

5dp6dt, I was still questioning it. So I went and got these walmart cheapie tests...

6dp6dt, I wrote, "Symptoms: HOT all night, pulling and heaviness in the uterus, peed twice last night.  

Its all been the same, just increasing symptoms, peeing on sticks like a crazy lady!  Starting at 4 weeks and 1 day, I noticed an increase in my appetite.  I had vegan french toast for breakfast and then i was STARVING after church and all I wanted was a hamburger!  We went to the habit and i had a lettuce wrap double double!  I hadn't eaten there since I was pregnant with my boys. The last two mornings I've eating homemade meatballs and marinara for breakfast.  

The weirdest part is, I thought I would be ballooning up from the prednisone I'm on. Nope!  I've lost seven pounds!  I'm down to 135 as of this morning, and that is with me having a giant bloated tummy!  I think my body likes prednisone.  I was terrified of getting moon face.  But I'm losing weight!

I woke up this morning and took this test, 12dp6dt, which apparently is the same as 12dp5dt.  I just did that receptivity test to confirm my Uterus is receptive day six (like when i had my boys).

Best test yet, and you know I'm going to keep on testing!  I can't wait til Friday!  They just keep getting better.  Blood is drawn!  We also did our repeat immune labs... 10 vials of blood, checking my NK cells, antibodies etc. C had to do some too for it too.  I will get a report in a couple days and then I will know what my next dose of IVIG needs to be for next Wednesday!

BETA TEST

OMG... I just got the call!!!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!!  291 is the number!  Thank you JESUS!  I wish it was like the first time all over again.  Crying, tears of joy!  Unfortunately, that joy has been robbed from me.  I am SO happy we have a GREAT number, we have such a LONG road ahead.  My next beta is Friday... three days away!  Please Lord, protect this life.  Give us this baby we have desperately prayed for. Your will your way is always the right ways Lord, but please give us your favor once more.  We love you Lord.  You are the author and creator of life.  Your name is who we praise.  Your name and your name alone will be the one I praise for all of my days.  To you be the glory Lord, of this precious life. Amen.

See that bump!  It was flat as a board, but now I have a pooch! Praise Jesus! (bruises from heparin!)

Oh the High's and Low's of IF

Yesterday's high just came crashing down with an extremely low BETA of 33. I'm devastated.  The worst part about it is, I can't take my second BETA until Monday.  I have to live in limbo for the next four days.

Chris and I had this "great plan" to go away this weekend up to Santa Barbara.  If it was negative, we would go wine tasting and if it was positive we would get some R&R.  This strait sucks.

Has anyone had such a LOW BETA and it turn out... or not?  I'm basically 15dpo.  I've never had a miscarriage, I don't know what to expect :(

waiting....

I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep!  First off, because I was starving!  I had to go down and eat a bowl of cereal!  Second, because today is the day!

C and I finally dragged ourselves out of bed at 730.  We made it to the RE's at 8.  I shared my story with the nurses about the Rescue ICSI and they felt bad, but found it ironic because I was so worried about fertilization being the problem, and of course it was.  I also warned them that I may not answer the phone and that I'll let it go to VM, because I'm "too scared to hear the results!"  They didn't like that, because they want to hear my reaction (they must have a positive feeline!?).  I'm like, if its good, I'll call you back!

Anyways, now to wait...

8dp5(6)dt

and I'm going nuts!  Yesterday, for some reason, I didn't feel like doing anything!  I just kept googling and reading blogs.  Sorry I didn't update mine!  I didn't really have much to write about though.  I laid on the couch bundled up in two blankets, a beanie, gloves, and my new Ugg slippers, freezing, because our heater has been broken for almost the entire month of December (ours is 30 years old!)!  We are FINALLY getting a new one installed Monday.  As I'm typing this, my fingers feel like icicles, hence the other reason I didn't feel like sitting at the computer yesterday!  I stayed on the couch searching Dr. Google for symptoms or lack there of at 7dp5dt.  I admit it... I DO have a problem!  I'm addicted to Google... until my BETA tomorrow!!!!! 

Yup, that's right!  I called today to see if they would change my Beta from Sunday to tomorrow!  My original date was Saturday, the 1st, but their closed.  So of course, they pushed me back.  I talked some sense in them though.  I know it will show either way tomorrow, New Years Eve!  Tomorrow is technically 15 dpo, but we did the rescue ICSI, so it is now 14 dpo.  There should (better) be some HCG in there!  I am praying there is!!!  Although, I totally do NOT feel pregnant (not that I know what that feels like!).  Although my bb's are a little more sore today, and I feel a tinsy bit bloated.  I was also having a lot of cramping yesterday... AF like.  But, yes, I know, all P4 related!

If I'm not PG (But I am...positive thinking!), I will be able to drink some Champagne New Years!  But I really want to be SOBER for the next YEAR!  Please GOD!!!!

Tomorrow I'm going in early... like 730.  The nurse said the earlier you come in, the earlier you'll get your results!  So, C and i decided that we'll  have her call my cell, but I'm NOT going to answer it.  I will warn them of this tomorrow.  I just can't bare listening to "I'm sorry..." alone!  So, once I get the VM, I'm gonna go to his office, put the message on speaker phone so we can hear it together, good or bad.... PRAYING ITS GOOD!

So wish us luck and please pray for us (either way!).  We want God's will for our lives always!  Just hoping He's ready to give us our miracle!

Now to go warm up my icicles!! LOL


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Updated...

I forgot to say congrats to Uneggsplained!!!  She is now VERY pregnant after her first IVF.  So happy for her!  Go over and give her a congrats!

I didn't think I would...

cry. I didn't. I didn't think I would be so upset and grieving over the loss of my baby that may never be. It didn't come as soon as I heard the words, "Sara... I'm sorry. It didn't happen this month." When the nurse called to give me my results of the Beta, I knew immediately that the news was not good. But I didn't cry then.

My husband knows me so well. So he had my parents come over to either celebrate with us or support us for when we got the bad news. I am very blessed to have great relationships with my parents. Luckily it was a holiday and we all had it off (thank you Labor Day!). I didn't have to feel the repercussions of the bad news yet. I just enjoyed my day with a glass of wine and played some card games and went swimming. At least the whole day wasn't ruined.

When I was getting ready for bed, I checked my phone. I had my first comment on this blog! I was excited to read it, because I didn't even know anyone was reading my blog! My husband wanted to know what it said, as soon as I began reading the comment to him I started crying. It wasn't the comment that made me cry, however I just needed to cry. The comment helped. I was truly devastated that I was not pregnant.

I cried and my husband held me. We both were disappointed and hurt and don't understand what went wrong. It all seemed so perfect. Everything was right... 2 eggs, good size, good lining, great sperm, etc. It doesn't make sense. The last month I had put my hopes and dreams and envisioned my future family with my husband. I just thought maybe I would be that lucky girl who didn't need multiple cycles of fertility meds. I guess not.

Nothing in this life has come easy for me. I am not lucky. I have jumped through so many hoops to get where I am today. I don't know why I thought this one might be different. Its not. I do have hope though. I hope and pray that all this is worth it in the end and I will have my baby.