Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I didn't think I would...

cry. I didn't. I didn't think I would be so upset and grieving over the loss of my baby that may never be. It didn't come as soon as I heard the words, "Sara... I'm sorry. It didn't happen this month." When the nurse called to give me my results of the Beta, I knew immediately that the news was not good. But I didn't cry then.
My husband knows me so well. So he had my parents come over to either celebrate with us or support us for when we got the bad news. I am very blessed to have great relationships with my parents. Luckily it was a holiday and we all had it off (thank you Labor Day!). I didn't have to feel the repercussions of the bad news yet. I just enjoyed my day with a glass of wine and played some card games and went swimming. At least the whole day wasn't ruined.
When I was getting ready for bed, I checked my phone. I had my first comment on this blog! I was excited to read it, because I didn't even know anyone was reading my blog! My husband wanted to know what it said, as soon as I began reading the comment to him I started crying. It wasn't the comment that made me cry, however I just needed to cry. The comment helped. I was truly devastated that I was not pregnant.

I cried and my husband held me. We both were disappointed and hurt and don't understand what went wrong. It all seemed so perfect. Everything was right... 2 eggs, good size, good lining, great sperm, etc. It doesn't make sense. The last month I had put my hopes and dreams and envisioned my future family with my husband. I just thought maybe I would be that lucky girl who didn't need multiple cycles of fertility meds. I guess not.
Nothing in this life has come easy for me. I am not lucky. I have jumped through so many hoops to get where I am today. I don't know why I thought this one might be different. Its not. I do have hope though. I hope and pray that all this is worth it in the end and I will have my baby.

2 comments:

Kate said...

I absolutely ache for you and your husband, Sara. It's not fair, and it's just so hard. But know that you are lucky. Your family--husband and parents--sound so incredible in your last post.

I am sorry that my comment made you cry, but I totally get how words can just make everything so concrete and burst the dam sometimes. I started crying yesterday morning at the doctor's office when I saw the nurse write, "infertility" in my appointment description. I've seen it, said it, written it, and yet it got me again. Take care.

Sara said...

Hi Kate! No, its not fair... its emotionally draining. Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate your comments so much!

I wish you the best during this journey and hope that we both have positive outcomes :)

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