Friday, December 31, 2010

I never thought I would say this...

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!  176 is the magic Beta number!!!!!! I am in complete shock!!!!!!!! 

***
Updated

Okay, now that I've calmed down a tad...

I'm not in TOTAL shock... I had a small inklings, things that made me think, MAYBE?  Remember a few days ago, I thought maybe I felt the bloat coming back, well it did.  Not too bad though, where I definitely would know either way.  I also felt weird sharp pains down my cervix yesterday.  I got really tired at 6pm, even though I made myself stay up til 10 (I just had the pregnant tired feeling).  I ate a good dinner at CPK's last night. I had the roasted vegetable salad with chicken, asparagus soup, AND 2 small slices of C's very thin crust pizza.  That's a big meal and at 10 I was already hungry!  Plus I woke up at 5am starving and had to go eat!  I thought that was really weird this morning.  Another thing, my bb's have been big and sore from after ER so I knew that wasn't associated, but then they started going away, like 4-5 days ago, but the last couple days they felt way more sore AND huge!  The main give away for me though was the bloating and I had tons of AF cramping.

I know that's a lot of "symptoms" I put those in quotes because I have felt many, not all of them before with my IUI cycles.  Please take them as a grain of salt (if your in the 2WW).  But I know I loved reading others "symptoms" and obsessing over mine :)

So after I posted my last blog entry I was waiting like 30 min and my phone started to ring.  It was 1045, they said they wouldn't call until 1130 or 1200.  I yelled up at C "OMG its the doctors, do I answer it?" I'm freaking out saying this!  He says to answer it and I put it on speaker phone...

Me: "Hello? Hi!"

Nurse Tressa:  "Hi, I thought you weren't going to answer the phone!"

Me:  "I know, but I couldn't help it!"

Nurse Tressa: "Well, I'm glad you did, YOUR PREGNANT!!!"

Me:"OMG, OMG,"  I burst into tears, laughing and crying all at once. C comes running down stairs and grabs me holding me as I cry, with a HUGE smile on his face of course!

Nurse Tressa: "Your HCG is 176, your very pregnant!"

Me:  "Oh wow that's great!" I continue laughing and crying.

Nurse Tressa: "You need to come in Sunday before 9 for your second blood test and continue your meds."

C jumps in, "Thank you Thank you!  Before 9?!  We'll be there!"  He is always the joker.

After he hung up the phone we laughed together in shock and I of course continue crying while he held me.  We are so happy, words cannot express. 

First and foremost...  I thank the Lord for this miracle!  He had His hand in this from the beginning.  Lots of prayer and from His leading, we got to this point.  Praise God for giving us this Blessing!

2010 good bye... Hello 2011!  Happy New Years to you all!  Thanks for following and I so appreciate all of the support through this journey.  It took us 2 1/2 years for us to get our first BFP!!!

waiting....

I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep!  First off, because I was starving!  I had to go down and eat a bowl of cereal!  Second, because today is the day!

C and I finally dragged ourselves out of bed at 730.  We made it to the RE's at 8.  I shared my story with the nurses about the Rescue ICSI and they felt bad, but found it ironic because I was so worried about fertilization being the problem, and of course it was.  I also warned them that I may not answer the phone and that I'll let it go to VM, because I'm "too scared to hear the results!"  They didn't like that, because they want to hear my reaction (they must have a positive feeline!?).  I'm like, if its good, I'll call you back!

Anyways, now to wait...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

8dp5(6)dt

and I'm going nuts!  Yesterday, for some reason, I didn't feel like doing anything!  I just kept googling and reading blogs.  Sorry I didn't update mine!  I didn't really have much to write about though.  I laid on the couch bundled up in two blankets, a beanie, gloves, and my new Ugg slippers, freezing, because our heater has been broken for almost the entire month of December (ours is 30 years old!)!  We are FINALLY getting a new one installed Monday.  As I'm typing this, my fingers feel like icicles, hence the other reason I didn't feel like sitting at the computer yesterday!  I stayed on the couch searching Dr. Google for symptoms or lack there of at 7dp5dt.  I admit it... I DO have a problem!  I'm addicted to Google... until my BETA tomorrow!!!!! 

Yup, that's right!  I called today to see if they would change my Beta from Sunday to tomorrow!  My original date was Saturday, the 1st, but their closed.  So of course, they pushed me back.  I talked some sense in them though.  I know it will show either way tomorrow, New Years Eve!  Tomorrow is technically 15 dpo, but we did the rescue ICSI, so it is now 14 dpo.  There should (better) be some HCG in there!  I am praying there is!!!  Although, I totally do NOT feel pregnant (not that I know what that feels like!).  Although my bb's are a little more sore today, and I feel a tinsy bit bloated.  I was also having a lot of cramping yesterday... AF like.  But, yes, I know, all P4 related!

If I'm not PG (But I am...positive thinking!), I will be able to drink some Champagne New Years!  But I really want to be SOBER for the next YEAR!  Please GOD!!!!

Tomorrow I'm going in early... like 730.  The nurse said the earlier you come in, the earlier you'll get your results!  So, C and i decided that we'll  have her call my cell, but I'm NOT going to answer it.  I will warn them of this tomorrow.  I just can't bare listening to "I'm sorry..." alone!  So, once I get the VM, I'm gonna go to his office, put the message on speaker phone so we can hear it together, good or bad.... PRAYING ITS GOOD!

So wish us luck and please pray for us (either way!).  We want God's will for our lives always!  Just hoping He's ready to give us our miracle!

Now to go warm up my icicles!! LOL


*******
Updated...

I forgot to say congrats to Uneggsplained!!!  She is now VERY pregnant after her first IVF.  So happy for her!  Go over and give her a congrats!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

6dp5(6)dt...

and no, I didn't POAS.  I got some sense knocked into me with all of those comments!  Thank you ladies for helping me save face! LOL.  I am probably too scared to see the results anyway. 

Yesterday I was having bouts of doubt (rhyme?).  I had absolutely no symptoms what-so-ever.  Yes, of course the typical P4 symptoms (engorged sore boobs I get every time, twinges, and on again off again cramps), but nothing out of the usual.

I will never forget when I was going through injectable/IUI cycles and when it came to BETA day (D-Day), the nurse would ask if I felt bloated?  I never did.... hence, no pregnancy.

As of yesterday all my OHSS had disappeared...  No more pain, full belly, feelings of fluid splashing around.  And after ER I read that a lot of times OHSS comes back with a BFP, because its HCG induced.  I'm sure that's what the nurse was talking about with the previous cycles.

Well... today I was lounging on the couch, feet on ottoman, I brought my knees in closer to me, and there it was... the feeling of bloat, H2O in the belly again.  But I may be totally crazy!  Maybe it never went away fully?  Maybe its just my imagination?   I'm going to be paying attention to the bloat... and PRAYING it gets worse!!!

5 more days til BETA! I'm freaking out!!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

5dp5(6)dt

I have been really worn out the last couple days.  I mean really exhausted!  Christmas day we opened presents then went over to Mama Pats for Christmas brunch.  When we got home, at 1 pm, I went strait upstairs and put my new Pj's (so comphy!) and went strait to bed.  I slept til 530!  I was so exhuasted.  Yesterday, we went to church, picked up Oliver and drove to C's mom's.  I slept the whole way in the car, and then wasn't really up for being social.  I hate feeling this way.

I would like to say, maybe its early pregancy symptoms!?  But, no.  I get this way EVERY YEAR!  I get so worn out by the time Christmas actually comes, I crash, hard.  Plus I'm sure the P4 (progesterone) and E2(estrogen) patches have a little something to do with it. 

Not to mention the crying!  Okay, yes I'm am one of those!  I usually get annoyed when I read when someone has been "crying for no reason..."  or "the meds are making me crazy!"  Well, I am officially one of them.  I went to sleep crying last night.  When C asked what was wrong, I couldn't even tell him!  I had all these horrible thoughts running in my head.  I feel horrible about it today (I must have caught up on sleep!).  I was sure my feelings were "valid" last night, but now I'm not so sure!?  Why do women have to be so emotional?

Well, I'm 5dp5(6)dt (five days past five (six) day transfer) today!  And yes, I was sooo close to POAS today, but then I realized I only had one internet cheapy left AND I would be pretty devestated if it was negative.  But last night I was googling 5dp5dt and so many people got BFP on this day... especially when carrying multiples!  I'm soooo tempted!

I was just reading my fellow bloggers update at 7dp5dt... She's pregnant!  Go give her a congratulations... My Vegas!!!  She's one day ahead of me (technically two bc of the second day ICSI) and started getting positives 3dp5dt and the line kept getting darker.  I think there's more than one in there!  I'm very happy for her! 

Makes me want to POAS... should I?  My BETA isn't til Jan. 2!  That would be 18dpo!  Crazy!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The transfer...

Went amazingly well! C and I woke up at 5am, took "army" showers with unscented soap, got dress and were in the car by 525 to make it to our 630 appt. It has been raining here very consistently for the past 7 days, so we wanted to make sure we beat any LA traffic! Californians do not know how to drive in the rain!!

We made it the in 30 min so we stopped off at Starbucks for an egg sandwich... they are delish! We arrived at the RE's at 615.  It was nice not being in a huge rush.  Dr. R was already there and was already doing an egg retrieval. 

They called me back and and I got my gown on.  I had a "comfortably full" bladder and popped a Valium.  I had no idea that I was going to get it, but I guess they want you as calm as possible when implanting embryo's.

C and I both were anxious about finding out what we had left.  I knew not all embryo's would make it.  The night before I probably got four hours of sleep and kept dreaming about my embryo's!  Dr. R came in to check on me after he was done with the other patient so I was able to ask him about how many embryo's.  I told him we know the percentage isn't high for rescue icsi, so can we implant more than one?  He said, "well we have one REALLY good blast, and I will talk to the embryologist about what she suggests."

It was finally my turn to go in.  They wheeled me in the bed, back to the ER/ET room.  The embryologist, Kristine S., came in to talk to us about our embies.  She said she was so excited to come in here and talk to us because we were her first rescue ICSI and there is never this good of a response!  She said they have had Rescue Icsi babies, but never rescue icsi blasts (I really don't want to get my hopes up, but its so hard when you hear things like this!)!  She showed us pics of the TWO blasts she suggested we implant.  One, a grade 4AA, and one an early blast (not sure of grading).  I think that is good!  She was really positive and said, "if you have a baby, no WHEN you have the baby, you have to bring it back to show me."  I said, "of course!" She also said that for baby # 2, they'll do ICSI right away and we'll have a lot of great embryo's!


So, we signed all the paper work and she wheeled in the incubator with our embies in it (it looks like an actual incubator for new born babies).  Kristine called C over and asked him if he wanted to take a look at the embies.  He actually got to see them through a microscope in the incubator before going in me!  He said he could see them moving around!  Crazy!

I was all strapped in, ultrasound ready, Kristine brought the embies over to Dr. R and he inserted the catheter (didn't hurt one bit!).  We could see it on the screen.  He let one embryo drop and  a white flash went on the screen then the other.  We saw them both... so amazing!

I had to lay there for 30 min afterward, then I got dressed and fell asleep in the car on the way home.  C brought me up to bed and I slept til almost noon.  Valium is good ;-)

I am supposed to be on STRICT bed rest for 48 hours.  I have mostly been watching movies while C makes me breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I would say this is the life, but it is TORTURE FOR ME.  I really give those mom's props who do this for months on end.  When I am not feeling sick, I like to be active, and up doing things.  I am on the count down til the morning!

So, tonight I am supposed to be having a Christmas Eve Eve dinner with my family...  My Mom, Dad, brothers, sis in laws, niece, and three nephews.  I had C call my mom yesterday to break the bad news that we weren't able to come and she was devastated and almost started crying!  C came home and felt so bad!  We haven't told my parents about IVF.  They had no idea.  So, C felt so bad that he felt we should tell them...

I was so excited to!  I told them everything, starting back from October!  They both got choked up.  I am happy we told them... more people praying for our embies and a Christmas miracle!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Happy December ICLW!

 And THANK YOU to all of you leaving kind, supportive comments and cheering my lil embies on!  I sincerely appreciate it!  This is such a difficult thing to have happen, but we are still holding onto hope!

EMBY...  the only way to find out if there is a fertilization problem is in the petri-dish, unfortunately.  I had a feeling that this might be the problem when we were going through IUI cycles, and I knew we would find when/if we did IVF.  My husband calls me a "hypochondriac."  But, for some reason, my intuition is usually correct.

A recap of the past year...

January... find out my uterine septum is back for the second time, via office hysteroscopy
February... surgery #2 to remove the uterine septum.  Balloon put in my uterus for 2 weeks.
March... balloon comes out, uterus still healing. Office hysteroscopy, Uterus cleared, septum gone!
April... TTC on our own, BFN
May...Follistim/IUI #3.  Great cycle, ovulate 6 eggs... BFN
June... devastated, DH and I decide maybe kids aren't in our future.  Break from IF treatments and blogging.
July... TTC on our own.
August...TTC on our own, celebrate anniversary #3 in Kauai, talk about IVF??
Sept... Met new RE Dr. R, loved him!  He wanted us to do clomid
Oct.. period never came, tired of waiting... On to IVF!
Nov... BCP/Lupron
Dec... Stims, ER, ET, BETA!



And now here we are....  After another "amazing cycle" (God, I'm tired of RE's telling me that!), barely hanging onto rescue ICSI'd embryo's.  Tomorrow's the big day, Day 5 (6) Embryo Transfer.  We have to be there tomorrow at 630 am for transfer of one (I'm going to ask for two) embryo's.

Prayer is what is keeping me strong through this!

Monday, December 20, 2010

5 turned into 13...

embryo's as of yesterday, day 2!  I am in total disbelief!  They haven't checked on them today yet, but as of yesterday we have 13 EMBRYO'S!!!!  Not just 13, but 13 embryo's that are looking pretty good!  According to the embryologist, a embryo that has four cells on day two is really good, we have some that are SIX CELLS!  Dr. R is pushing me to a day 5 transfer so they can transfer blasts (I know that is good even though I'm still learning all the embryo lingo)!!!  Here's what I found...


IVF Timetable


Day 0 Egg retrieval
          Sperm collection and preparation
          Insemination

Day 1 Check eggs for fertilization (the presence of two pronuclei or PN's)

Day 2 Embryos at the 4-cell or more stage of development

Day 3 Embryos at the 8-cell or more stage of development

Day 4 Embryos at the compacted morula (16-32 cell) stage

Day 5 Embryos at the blastocyst stage of development


The embryologist is really blown away by how good they are doing.  I asked, "aren't embryo's usually not that good with rescue ICSI?"  She replied, "yes, we really can't explain how this is happening!"  I said "my prayers are working!" and she responded, "well keep doing what your doing!"

I am praying... for a miracle this Christmas!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Yesterday...

I spent most of the day laying on the couch. First because I felt like crap from ER. My stomach is very bloated, has a VERY full feeling, and its very uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I have mild OHSS.  I can feel little stings in my ovaries occasionally. It feels like I have serious indigestion. I have been staying away from carbs (breads, pasta's, rice, etc) and drinking a lot of pedialyte and Gatorade. Not sure if its helping much because I felt way worse yesterday than the day before.

Second, I gave myself the day to be depressed. On one hand, I was pretty devastated (I feel like crap for nothing!). On the other hand, we have a diagnosis! After 2 1/2 years of ttc, we now know why we can't get pregnant! Even though I have pcos, I ovulate. Even though I was born with a septate uterus, it doesn't cause IF. C's sperm just don't want anything to do with my eggs!

Since I spent most of the day on the couch, I also used my android for some serious research with Dr. Google. What I read was pretty devastating (which did not help me feeling helpless and depressed!)!  With Rescue ICSI, eggs are old so the likely hood of them making good embryo's is slim and the likely hood of any implanting of giving you a baby is 7%. 7%!!!! That's not very much. However, I also asked Dr. Google to show me some success stories with Rescue ICSI... I found some! So I do have hope again! Especially since Dr. R called with our report a few min ago...

Dr. R... "I am calling with a better tone in my voice today!"

Me... "Okay???"

Dr. R... "We have at least five embryo's, but the embryologist is going to call you in a little bit with the official report!"

Me... "Thank you God! On the bright side at least we have a diagnosis!"

Dr. R... "Ya, but not the best way to do it!"

Me... "No kidding!"

So, we have AT LEAST five! FIVE embryo's! This is the CLOSEST we have EVER came to being pregnant! We actually have little babies growing in a petri-dish! I cannot believe it!

I know the likelihood of them making babies is slim. But, I am praying for a miracle! Miracles happen every day!

We are now doing a Day 3 transfer, which is really a Day 4 from ER, Monday afternoon sometime!  I am also going to ask if we can implant more then one since the quality isn't going to be as high! 

Will know more soon!  I have HOPE again!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Bad news...

I had 29 not 28 good and mature eggs. C had a great sample with a high count and good morphology. However WE HAVE NO EMBRYO'S. My greatest fear has come true... C's sperm cannot penetrate my eggs!

I just got off the phone with Dr. R and he feels very bad. They are going to do "rescue ICSI," but the likly hood that we will have good embryo's are very small now. I'm devestated, to say the least.

Dr. R will call tomorrow with a new report. Please pray for a miracle!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

28...

Is the magic number! I am currently laying in bed recovering. After the surgery I was in a lot of pain so they hooked me up with some demeral, which helped a lot!

I'm shocked at the huge number, and very thankful. I won't know til tomorrow abot the maturity of all of them or the fertilization. Right now... some r&r.

Thanks for the good thoughts and well wishes :)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Tonights the night...

to trigger!  I'm gonna be "trigger happy" tonight! LOL.  I gotta get these suckers out!  I am so uncomfortable.  Not necessarily bloated, but I can definately a LOT of pressure in there.  I am also peeing more often with less pee.  My ovaries are sitting on my bladder :-P

Bad news... I have to work up the courage to give myself the shot in the butt MYSELF tonight at EXACTLY 10:30.  I cannot mess around.  I have always said "I work better under pressure" so it works in this circumstance too "I shoot better under pressure."  Wish me luck!

Good news... I don't have to do the progesterone shots!!!  I told the nurse that C can't give them to me because of his fear of needles.  She called Dr. R and he gave the okay for the suppositories! YAY!  I was so scared of those things!  I do have to insert one vaginally 3/day and they are messy, but its so worth it to me!

The lab is in another office in Redondo Beach (literally across the street from my old work at the high school).  Because we live about an hour away with LA traffic, we are getting a hotel down there so we don't have to rush and deal with the traffic at 7am.  Plus C cannot (will not) produce the sample in the office, he has to do it in the comfort of "his own home" (and with the help of his wife!).  He is all embarrassed about it for whatever reason. 

We are scheduled for 830.  I probably won't post tomorrow, but please keep us in your prayers!

Monday, December 13, 2010

I was terribly mistaken...

about the number of follicles (eggs) I have.  I have over 20 ranging from 13-15mm in diameter now.  What happens is the doctors stop counting after they get a good idea of what their working with and say "PCO".  I saw Dr. R today, he was pretty impressed and said I'm doing "quite well," and "surgery is definitely on for Thursday!"  I'm going to trigger tomorrow night sometime, which I will find out more at tomorrows appointment.

From what I've read about PCOS, it may affect egg quality.  So, even though we have lots of follicles, they may not all be mature or the best quality.  If we have 20 eggs retrieved I will be ecstatic if half of them make embryo's.

The nurse wants me on a low-carb diet now so my body doesn't retain lots of water after ER.  I responded, "at Christmas time?"  Its so hard right now.  I'm loving not being on a diet.  She also wants me to "take it easy and rest."  No problem, I'm exhausted from all the holiday festivities!!

Because of our faith, choosing to move forward with IVF was really difficult.  I was concerned about having extra embryo's.  What would we do with them?  Although the bible doesn't discuss IVF, it is our belief that at conception a life is formed.  For some people they are cells, and to C and I they will be our babies.  If some don't make it, I will know I will have babies waiting for me in heaven.  I just keep praying that God gives us what we can handle.  C and I had decided that we would use all the embryo's we get.  I am having faith that God will bless us with the right amount.  Not to many, and hopefully, not too little.  Its a little scary having PCOS, because of all the follicles we produce!

Not sure if I mentioned this before... because I still have the residual septum, Dr. R only wants to implant a SINGLE embryo.  I am a little bummed because I have always dreamed of having twins, but because I have this funky uterus it is safer for me and my potential baby.

I have been contemplating the what ifs...

If this cycle doesn't work... I MAY take out the septum (then Dr. R would implant two embies)
If I have a chemical pregnancy... I WILL take out the septum
If I have a miscarriage... I WILL take out the septum
If this cycle works... I WILL THANK GOD FOR THE MIRACLE AND PRAY DAILY FOR THE SAFETY OF THIS BABY

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Crazy busy weekend...

I just got home from a baby shower and C's family xmas party.  I also had a dr appt this morning and will continue to have one daily til ER.

Yesterdays appointment went well and I am happy to report that some of the follicles are taking off and leaving some behind!  I'm not sure how many there are but I don't think we'll have 20 for the ER (yay!).  Currently, they range from 10-16mm and estrogen is at 1500.  Dr. C (the other RE in the practice) says that she wants them at 18mm in diameter, which means, that if your have a 20 x 16mm its diameter would be 18mm and that would most likely make them mature.

I am a little bummed because I thought we would be triggering (taking the HCG shot) monday night and ER would be Wednesday and its looking like I'm going to trigger Tuesday and ER is going to be Thursday.  But, whatever is best for my lil eggies, is okay with me :)

I am still taking 225 iu of Gonal F and 75 iu Menapur and 5 iu Lupron .  Tomorrow they want me to take the Lupron before I come in for my appointment and take the Menapur with me to the appointment.  Not sure why?  Hopefully I do not have to take it tomorrow... it seriously burns!!

My tummy is so sore and tender from all the shots.  I seriously have lil pin holes all over it!  Also, I am feeling more and more pressure down there and its getting really uncomfortable during the pelvic u/s.

Will update more tomorrow!!

**I am also required to take baby asprin to help with blood flow, contiue my metformin for pcos, and of course, a prenatal vitamin.  I'm taking citra natal.  I like it because it comes with an omega 3 pill too :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Its getting crowded...

in my ovaries!  Since yesterday, I have been progressively getting more uncomfortable.  I feel pressure in my pelvic area and I'm worried because ER isn't going to be til NEXT WEEK!  I know its only going to get worse.  I'm also VERY worried about OHSS, especially since I was so uncomfortable after my last IUI's and I O'd only SIX eggs (which was very dangerous for IUI!). 

My blood work Tuesday showed an increase in estrogen and then I had a follow up appt yesterday.  All of my lil follicles measured 10-11mm which was good, but when I asked how many... he responded 20 + (yikes)!!  He is HOPING that we get about 12 good eggs  instead of 20 okay ones.  BUT, I have so many already growing!  I thought that they would also lower my dose, but nope, I'm still taking 225 iu's of Gonal F.  My estrogen level is just slowing plugging along.  It was at 350 yesterday.

On a good note, I spent the week at my parents since C was in Dallas.  I had such a good time.  My mom and I made ginger bread cookies and decorated them.  They are yummy!  I also got ALL of my xmas shopping done.  Since the next couple weeks are going to be filled with IVF appointments and I am not sure how I'm going to be feeling after ER, I had to get it done.

(Its my Oliver cookie!)

When I picked C up from the airport, there was almost no space in the back of my car (with the seats down) for his suitcase!  Its full of presents! 

I'm not sure about the side effects of all this medication, but I have been having really bad headaches on and off this week, also I've been seriously tired, and I ate so many carbs at my parents (its carb heaven over there!).  But, its either the meds OR I'm STILL detoxing from caffeine but I haven't drank any coffee in weeks only ice OCCASIONALLY, I'm tired from all the xmas shopping (?), and I may have ate so many carbs because its comfort food and I ate emotionally since I was "home."  Not sure?  I do feel bloated, but I think that is from all the food.  When I got home today, I slept for 3 hours.  It was nice. 

Oh... my mom never found out about the meds, but I do suspect she thinks we are doing some kind of IF treatment since I had to leave for a Dr appt.  And on Wed. I had to drive ALL the way home because I forgot "something" at home that was mucho importante (my Lupron, but I couldn't tell her!)!  That wasn't fun, its an hour drive each way.

I have another appt in the morning!  Will post my stats tomorrow :)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

37...

was my estrogen yesterday... a measly 37 (Boo!).  Dr. R was a little concerned so they had me come back today to make sure SOMETHING was going on in there.  I had some measurable ones on each ovary, THANK GOD, but they were still really little.  They ranged from 5mm to 7mm.  I had to give more blood today as well, which hurt because she did the same arm as yesterday!.  I have been taking 75iu of menopur, 150iu Gonal F and 5iu Lupron.  Everything stays the same except he upped my Gonal F to 225.  I'm praying they start to grow.  The good news is that there aren't too many and they are NOT growing too fast!  I'm happy about that.

So... I took some of your advice from yesterday, and did my shots in the belly.  It was MUCH better.  I iced before the Lupron shot and it went right in (maybe my skin isn't as tough on my belly?).  I did the Menopur nice and S-L-O-W and that went well too.  It didn't take me 20 minutes this time either.  Progress is being made!  Thank you!

C is flying out today to Dallas for work.  I am going to my parents for the next few days.  I am really excited, I love going home.  But, we are keeping IVF a secret so its going to be interesting hiding these shots from my mother!  On thanksgiving, I hid  the Lupron way back in a Tupperware container in the veggie drawer.  She didn't see it, but I think she was distracted with all the company over.  We'll see if I can get away with it!  I'm not good at hiding stuff from my mom :)

My next appt is Thursday... Praying 225iu does the trick!

Monday, December 6, 2010

I've regressed...

completely and utterly regressed.  I am now afraid to give myself the shots.  It is ridiculous!  I have been standing here in my kitchen for the last 20 min. icing my leg, trying to shoot, then icing the other leg, then trying to shoot, then my belly, etc.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?  I'll tell you what is wrong.  Those dang Lupron needles feel dull and Menopur HURTS!  I did the Lupron this morning and I swear I stabbed myself then had to stab FURTHER to shove the needle in!  This is nuts!  Now I cannot build up the courage to do the Menopur!  After yesterdays experience... burning while injecting and then feeling the ball of what feels like a gel under the skin and not to mention the sore spots on the leg that you can feel the NEXT DAY!
I cannot go through this everyday.  Its making me crazy!  Does anyone know the best place to shoot Menapur?  I wish I had someone to give me these dang shots!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Here we grow...

I just got home from Dr. R's.  I think I should just move right in since I'm going to be spending so much time there the next two weeks!  I went yesterday for my baseline U/S (ultrasound) and B/W (blood work).  Blood came back "nice and low" according to Tressa, my nurse.  My lining was also thin and my ovaries still showed tons of follicles (THANK YOU PCOS!).    Dr. R gave the okay to start the stims today!  I had them sent to the office so Tressa could show me how mix and shoot all the different meds.  Its pretty overwhelming.  I made C come so he can be my second pair of eyes and remember things that I may not... although we all know he will NOT be helping me with the injections! LOL.

I did 10iu's of Lupron this morning and then did my first shot of Menopur.  Unfortunately I'm doing Menopur and Gonal F.  I was looking forward to the Follistim because it comes premixed with a nice little pen to do the shots, kind of like an epipen.  Menopur and Gonal F you have to mix and powder and a fluid to get the drug ready to be injected.  Its a pain.  Oh well.  Hopefully 10 more days of this!  Tressa thinks that the ER (Egg Retrieval) is going to be on Wednesday, the 15th "if I'm an average patient."  We'll see though.  My ovaries are really good at making eggs (again, thank you pcos), when I am taking meds.  Lets just hope they are good quality.  I can't wait to find out!

One of my fears is that my eggs shell is going to be too hard for C's sperm to penetrate.  Dr. D mentioned that he thought that may be an issue and recommended ICSI.  And Dr. R never mentioned that and thinks they'll be fine.  What would happen if none of them fertilized?  I don't even want to think about it!  I need to keep the Faith that God lead us hear, and not let FEAR creap in!

My next appointment is Monday.  I go in for just for b/w and then Wednesday I go in for b/w and u/s.  Praying these little follies start to G-R-O-W!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Ouch!

I am pretty much a pro at giving myself injections in the gut.  But the other day it hurt!  It almost felt like the needle was a little dull.  Ever since then I am having the hardest time giving myself the shot.  Yesterday I had to close my eyes and this morning, for example, I was sitting there counting down to myself "3..2..1..." and then nothing.  I couldn't do it.  I was in my robe (because it is FREEZING in our house... our heater is broken!), I litterally started sweating and had to take the robe off.  Rediculous!  Finally I had the bright idea to ice my belly then shoot it.  I am not sure if it felt any better, but at least I got it in. 

As for C, he can not help me at all.  He is the biggest baby when it comes to needles. Yesterday, I came downstairs and he was on the computer and asked him to give me the shot.  He freaked out and made me leave the room so he wouldn't pass out!  I think there is reason God made women to carry babies!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Merry Christmas!!

I just created our Christmas card and thought I would share it with all of you!  I love how they turned out.  You are the first to see...

I can't wait til they arrive!  We spent yesterday getting all the Christmas stuff out too.  We went got our Christmas tree!  I love decorating it, I love the way it smells and adds so much to the room!  I turned on the Christmas music and got to decorating!  It looks beautiful!

Thanksgiving was awesome!  There was so much food it was actually ridiculous.  You know when your mom used to tell you not to eat too much or you'll get a belly ache?  Well, I literally got a belly ache!  I had to drink some mint tea, which did help a little bit. 

We stayed the night at my parents and it was a full house.  The grand kids also wanted to stay so we had a full house.  

The following night, we went on a double date with G and her husband and saw Peter Pan at the Orange County performing Art center.

It was one of the best shows I've seen, next to Mama Mia.  I love the story of Peter Pan because its so magical!  It was the same story as the Disney movie with flying, Tinkerbell, The lost boys, Mermaids, and of course, Captain Hook.  Very well done, with awesome graphics!  I highly recommend it!

On a separate note... I've been on Lupron for six days now. I am NOT feeling good. I've had a headache on and off for the last four days and I got some seriously SORE BOOBS! I never read about the sore boob thing, but FYI they hurt. I have also been extremely tired. I am a tired person anyways, so I'm not sure if its the Lupron or just me being tired from all the Thanksgiving festivities!? I went to bed last night at 9 and woke up at 830!

I took my LAST BCP yesterday (yay!), so I should start my period any day then my next appointment is Friday. I'll be doing bloodwork, ultrasound, and getting more meds!  I can't wait to get this show on the road!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

It started...

today... my IVF cycle that is!  I am excited to say I got my first Lupron shot!  I went in this morning for what I thought was going to be just a basic ultrasound, but then was told I was doing my trial transfer.  I was a little surprised to say the least... didn't know what to expect!  I didn't see Dr R today, it was Dr. C.  It was my first time with her and she is amazing!  She is one of the sweetest Dr.'s I've met!  Anyways, we were talking the whole time and before I knew it, it was over.  If you have ever had an IUI done it feels the same way.  You uterus cramps just slightly as they insert the measuring device.  They do this also to make sure your cervix isn't difficult to find or maneuver.  Luckily, she had no problem finding mine.

After that was over, I went over and met with a nurse so she could show me how to do the Lupron shots.  She was going to do the first one for me, but I decided to do it myself.  I am pretty brave, now that I've done three cycles of Follistim.  Giving myself a shot is a piece of cake!  Although if I have to do those progesterone shots I WILL BE SCARED!  Those needles are thick and I've read that they hurt! 

My next appointment is December 3.  I go in for a ultrasound and to get the rest of my meds.  I believe I'm just doing Follistim to start, but I can be mistaken.  I am praying that's all.  I feel comfortable with that one, the needles are so small and don't hurt a bit.  Its just getting past the whole fear of actually sticking yourself.  Once you do it your good to go!

After the doctors, I literally baked all day!  It was so much fun!  I turned on the Christmas music, put on an apron, and became domesticated.  I made the pumpkin cinnamon rolls (literally just took them out of the oven!) and they look AMAZING, pumpkin cupcakes with cream cheese frosting (for the kids)(I was in the baking mood and added that one to the list), and the cranberry sauce.  Tomorrow all I need to do now is make the brussel sprouts and artichoke dip, which I forgot to add to the recipes yesterday!  Its amazing  here it is...

1 c. mayo
1 c. Parmesan
2 14 oz cans artichoke hearts, chopped
2 cloves garlic minced
2 4 oz cans Chile's
1 4oz can jalapenos

mix together and bake at 350 until its golden on top, about 20 - 25 min.  Enjoy with tortilla or pita chips!

Its always a hit!  Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thanksgiving Recipes...

So I thought I would post a few recipes I am planning on making for Thanksgiving this year.  As you know, I have been cleaning up my diet, removing flours, sugars, and processed unnatural foods.  However, I usually have a cheat meal twice a week, where I get to enjoy myself a bit.  So, for Thanksgiving, I am going to have a cheat DAY.  I don't remember the last time I had a Cinnamon roll (besides my mom's Christmas sticky buns once a year), so I am making pumpkin Cinnamon rolls for breakfast to start...


               Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls with Cream Cheese Icing

                                 makes approximately 15-16 rolls



Ingredients:
Roll Dough:
1/4 cup warm water (not hot, about 110 degrees)
1 package (2 1/4 teaspoons) active dry yeast
1/3 cup warm milk
1 large egg, beaten
3/4 cup pumpkin puree, either fresh or canned
1 tablespoon melted butter
2 cups (approximately) All-Purpose Flour
1 1 /4 cup Whole Wheat Flour
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cardamom


Filling:
1 stick butter
2/3 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon each of allspice and ginger
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/8 teaspoon cloves


Cream Cheese Frosting:
4 ounces cream cheese
1 stick (4 ounces) butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 teaspoon lemon juice
2-3 cups powdered sugar


Directions:

In a large bowl, stir yeast into water to soften. Let rest for 5 minutes before stirring. Add milk, eggs, pumpkin, butter, 1 1/4 cups whole wheat flour, brown sugar, salt, cinnamon, ginger and cardamom to yeast mixture. Beat vigorously for 2 minutes.

Gradually add remaining flour (all purpose), a little at a time, until you have a dough stiff enough to knead. Start with about 1 1/2 cups and increase if necessary. Turn dough out onto a floured surface. Knead, adding flour as necessary, until you have a smooth, elastic dough.

Put dough into an oiled bowl. Turn once to coat entire ball of dough with oil. Cover with a towel and let rise until doubled, about 1 hour.

Combine the white sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, allspice, ginger, nutmeg and cloves in a small bowl, set aside. Transfer the risen dough to a lightly greased work surface, and pat or roll it into a 16" x 12" rectangle. Spread softened butter over dough and then sprinkle with the sugar mixture.

Roll the dough into a log the long way; it'll stretch to about 20" long as you roll. Using a very sharp knife, slice the log into 15 slices. In order to cut down on drag, it helps to rinse the blade in hot water, and wipe it off, between slices. Place slices in a greased 9x13 inch baking pan (or in two 8 or 9 inch round cake or pie pans). Cover with a towel and let rise until almost doubled, about 45 minutes.

Bake in a preheated 375°F oven. Bake the rolls till they're brown around the edges and beginning to turn golden brown across the center, about 20-30 minutes.

While rolls bake, prepare the cream cheese frosting. Add the cream cheese, butter, vanilla, and lemon juice to a small food processor. Blend until smooth and combined. Add the powdered sugar 1/2 cup at a time, blending in between, until well mixed and desired consistency is reached. (I used 2 cups powdered sugar)

Frost warm rolls with the cream cheese frosting and serve immediately.

For night before prep: Prepare the rolls up to the point where you roll and place in the pan. Then, cover in plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight. In the morning, remove the pan from the fridge and proceed with the instructions where you left off. Rising time may be slightly longer than noted in the recipe due to the dough being cold vs room temp.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts with Toasted Pine Nuts


Ingredients

3 C Brussel sprouts
2 Tbsp Balsamic vinegar
2 Tbsp, plus 1 tsp olive oil
salt and pepper, to taste
1/4 C pine nuts

Preparation
Wash and remove outer leaves.  Cut sprouts in half.


Instructions
Prepare sprouts as directed and place in medium bowl. Toss the sprouts with vinegar, 2 Tbsp olive oil and salt and pepper. Place on baking sheet and put in preheated 375 degree oven. After 10-15 minutes turn over the sprouts and bake the remaining 10-15 minutes. In small pan toast the pine nuts. Sprinkle nuts on top of the sprouts and serve.

The last thing I make is something I make every year.  Cranberry relish...

Fresh Cranberry relish

Ingredients
1 bag of fresh cranberries
1 whole orange (seeded)
3/4 c. sugar

Directions
In a blender or food processor, blend cranberries and orange.  Add to a bowl and stir in sugar.


We are going to my parents to enjoy the holiday so there is going to be a ton of food there.  We usually make it like a potluck... everyone brings a dish or two.  There is going to be about 20 people and I cannot wait.  C is really excited that I'm making the cinnamon rolls for just us two.  Since we have both been eating healthier, I rarely make things like that because I have too many leftovers.  Its a lot for just the two of us. 

We are also really excited because we "adopted" a family for Thanksgiving as well.  Our city has a program call "Project Self-sufficiency."  It is such an awesome program that helps single mothers get on their feet.  The family we have this year is a mom  of four kids, 16, 15, 13, 8.  We ordered a complete Thanksgiving meal from Marie Calendars for them to enjoy.  We are also bringing a game they can play together as a family.  I asked what game they wanted and they wanted Monopoly.  I was a little surprised because I just figured that would be one everyone had.  It is a humbling reminder of how many people struggle and don't have the "simple things" that we assume most people would have, especially those with kids.  She was very grateful that we offered to do that for them as well.  We are going to drop it off tomorrow night, which I'm looking forward too.

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and to remind you to remember those who are less fortunate than us.  Sometimes I think it is easy to become self-focused when dealing with IF.  Because we are struggling we forget that others are struggling to a greater degree.  It is so important to still help those less fortunate. 

ENJOY YOU TIME WITH YOUR FAMILIES AND TRY TO PUT IF ON THE BACK BURNER FOR A DAY (given your cycles permit)!








Sunday, November 21, 2010

With a Fork in the Road...

Lots of prayer...and another talk with Dr. R and we have THE plan.  C and I just cannot imagine going through ANOTHER surgery again.  The whole process is long and, of course, painful.  IVF would have been pushed back most likely until February.  No, its not that far away but, then again, it is in IF world.  We remembered what Dr. R stated from our very first appointment with him, "I never would have taken the septum out."  I know this is very controversial between doctors.  Dr. D obviously would have felt it was necessary and wanted a THIRD surgery.  Dr. R feels (and research shows) that septum's DO NOT cause infertility, they only can potentially cause miscarriages. And yes, that is entirely scary for me too!  That is why this decision was so extremely difficult.  However, I have never been pregnant, therefore, I am not sure it will be a problem.  I guess this will be another thing to put into God's hands.  If IVF does work and I do get pregnant, I will be more scared and cautious but, then again, I feel like I would be anyways, given our history.  So, I am cautiously optimistic.

I am excited that we are going forward with IVF.  I am praying I make a lot of good quality eggs and together, grade A embryo's.  Again, its in God's hands.  If, God forbid, we do miscarry and its the cause if the septum, we will remove it asap and then do a FET (frozen embryo transfer), given that we have some.

Here is our updated IVF schedule:

November 24- Start Lupron
November 25- HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!
December 4- Start Stims (yay Follistim!)
Week of December 13- Egg retrieval (ER)!
December 18-19?- Embryo Transfer (ET)!!
December 31- BETA and hopefully a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

obviously, these are estimations as far as the ER, ET and BETA, but that is my holiday schedule!  I have a good feeling its going to just fly. 

We are already booked as far as Christmas parties are concerned.  December 2 is C's office party which I put together.  We are taking a yacht in the Newport Beach harbor and having dinner.  The boat will be decked out with holiday decor' and there should be a lot of houses and boats decorated too!  I'm super excited about it!  Should be really fun. December 4 is a friends birthday party, December 12 is C's family Christmas party and my friends baby shower, December 18 is my family annual Fondue party (which I am most likely going to have "call in sick" to), December 19 is C's manager party (which I am most likely going to have "call in sick" to), then its Christmas eve and Christmas. 

I love love the holidays and all that they represent.  I love coming together with family and friends. It is definitely my favorite time of the year.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I am pretty...

devastated.  I just came home from my office hysteroscopy.  Thank God C came with me or I would have seriously been a wreck.  Usually I go into these and they are a piece of cake.  Usually take about five minutes.  This one took a lot longer.  It is very uncomfortable sitting there spread eagle and having a doctor dilate your cervix (ouch!).    C was a trooper and his hand is probably a bit sore from me squeezing it so hard.  Dr. R is very thorough so thank goodness for that!  When he first went in he thought every thing looked great, as did we.  Then he moved the camera over to the other "horn" and there is was... that dang septum is back for the THIRD time!  Two canals again. 

After he was done I just laid there, fighting back the tears.  What else could I do?  Dr. R stated our options and it is up to us what to do.  We can either have it removed for the third time, or go ahead with IVF and only implant one embryo.  How do we decide that?  He wouldn't give us an opinion either way.  I just broke down in tears at this point.  I don't know what to do???

C doesn't feel like he can go through another surgery.  Neither do I.  I have never even been pregnant so we aren't sure it would even cause that big of a problem.  LUCKILY, we remembered what Dr. R said from our first meeting, "I never would have removed the septum in the first place unless it caused a problem (aka miscarriage)."  Do we wait to see if we can get pregnant and potentially miscarry? Or do we do a cycle hope to get some really good embies, if we miscarry, have the surgery and then do a FET (God willing)?  UGH!!!!  I am pretty much devastated that we have to make this decision, AGAIN.

Feedback wanted please!  Thanks!

Friday, November 12, 2010

I haven't had much...

to write about.  Its been pretty boring over here. Sorry for being MIA. I feel like I have writers block. Does that ever happen to you bloggers?

 I'm still on the waiting game, still taking my BCP's.  A week from TODAY I have my scheduled Hysteroscopy coming up and I believe the trial transfer (measuring of my uterus).  So that day isn't going to be much fun!  But, I spoke with Dr. R. recently and he wanted to move things up a bit, so I think I may start lupron on that day as well (or a couple days later). YAY!  I'm excited!  I will post my new schedule soon!

Other than that the last couple weeks I've been really trying to clean up my diet in preparation for IVF.  Not that it was that bad, but I am focusing more on eating vegetables at each meal and fruit!  I love fruit!  I am not eating any thing with sugar in it, I haven't had any coffee in a few days now, but I do drink 1 cup of green tea instead.  I know I know... it still has 20mg of caffine, but it is way better then coffee and has tons of antioxidents in it! Anyone else drinking green tea during IVF?  I'm not going to obsess too much about all the minor details.  I've done that before and look where it got us...  Now I know ultimately God is in control and any obsessing only hurts myself.

I am still working out at crossfit.  Today our workout consisted of a mile run then 50 pull ups, 100 push ups, 150 squats, and then another mile run.  It really kicked my butt! I know I can't continue working out like that once we start the stims... my poor lil ovaries wouldn't like it one bit!  But I love the workouts and bummed I have to stop (although I know its worth it!).   I am getting into the best shape of my life working out here.  Its pretty amazing.  I'm doing things I never imagined I would ever do, such as Olympic lifting!  And no, I am not getting bulky only more lean.  For anyone who wants to get into the best shape ever train at Crossfit.  They are all over the world!  http://www.crossfit.com/

When I go in for my trial transfer, I plan on finding out all my can's and can'ts for IVF.  I read an article recently that stated we shouldn't excerice excessivly during IVF because our bodies will try to prevent the pregnancy because of the stress.  I get it.  I do plan on at least walking and doing yoga.  What I think is rediculous is that it also states, "women who regularly exercised for more than four hours per week - and who had done so for one to nine years previously - were 40 per cent less likely to have successful IVF treatment than women who didn't exercise."  I think that is bogas!  I want to be as healthy as possible for WHEN I get pregnant.

What really doesn't make sense... my mom, who is an OB nurse,  had a 405 lb patient giving birth the other day to her second child.  They had to do a C-section and had to be put on oxygen AFTER it was over!  Now, how can someone who is clearly unhealthy get pregnant and us "healthy" individuals, not! Life is mixed up!  How is she going to care for that baby when she isn't even caring for herself?

It doesn't make sense.  But then again life most certainly doesn't.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Bah Halloween...

Not sure why, but I'm sooo not into Halloween this year.  I DO have a wild guess, however.  I didn't buy a pumpkin, we are not passing out candy, we didn't go to any parties.  We were invited to one today, but I asked C if it was going to be kid fest, he couldn't answer, so that means probably.  Our friends who are having the party already have three kids, so I am assuming they are going trick or treating with a whole bunch of other parents.  I am so not up for that.  Another reason I am not up for going... my friend is pregnant with twins!  Yay!  Okay okay, I wouldn't really care except I've known for the past six weeks and she hasn't told me.  She is planning on telling me today.  Again... NOT in the mood!  How do I know?  Well C and her husband are really good friends and the husband can't keep a secret.  She JUST past the 12 week mark so she is now in the "safe" zone.  I am happy for them, really!  I am just not in the "CONGRATULATIONS" mode.  Do you understand?

I just feel blah today.  I feel like staying in and getting things done around here.  Currently our fireplace is completely torn out along with the whole wall.  I am excited because we are redoing it and it should be done in a week!  We are putting the tuscan stone... it will look nice and cozy when its all done.  Until then... messy and dusty!

So tonight... we are turning off the lights, locking the door, ordering some takeout (maybe Thai?), watching a movie, and just enjoying eachother, just us TWO!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Plan...

is all set!  I went in to see Dr. R yesterday with C.  We dropped off the manly goods, then got the blood work done and out of the way.  C went first this time which I think was much better.   I had to run to the restroom really fast and when I got back, his face and lips were WHITE, and she hadn't even begun!  Thanks to the wonderful advice we received, I held his hand and began asking him about his work and what he needed to do today.  Distraction worked GREAT!  He even commented how good it was to be distracted and before he knew it it was over.  After I did my blood work, I went in to have the ultrasound done and waited.  Finally the nurse came in and let me know the news... I have to wait a month!  I guess the lab is down the last week of November and first week of December for cleaning.  I would have had to have my retrieval/transfer during that time.  I guess being on BCP's too long is not good for an IVF cycle either.  The way I look at it is I get the fresh and clean lab for our cycle... we'll be one of the first!

She took me in another room and took out a calendar and wrote down my new guesstimated IVF schedule...
                              -October 27- Start BCP's
                              -November 16th- last pill
                              -Novemeber 21- Start new pack of BCP's
                              -December 1- Start Lupron injections
                              -December 5-last BCP
                              -December 11- Start stims
                              -December 20-22 - Estimated Retrieval
                              -December 25-28- Estimated Transfer (yes Christmas Day included!)

Its really only two weeks later then we anticipated before.  I'm sure its going to fly by!

Once I got home, I was thinking about being on BCP's an extra month for nothing.  So, I thought, why not do clomid?  I even called to ask if it was okay.  As soon as I got off the phone I got a sick feeling, like that is the wrong decision.  I almost blogged about should I or shouldn't I do clomid this cycle?  But, I listened to my gut.  I am not doing it because I feel like it would be a waste.  I hated how 50 mg of clomid made me feel and doing a 100mg I'm sure would make me feel worse.  I didn't get all emotional and crazy on it, but I could feel my ovaries and I felt like they were going to explode sometimes.  I never felt that way with follistim.  Weird.  Anyways, also I just feel like C and I are on the right path again.  The decision of IVF just FEELS right. 

I started BCP's yesterday and I am excited, actually, to not have to think about again for a bit.  We get another little break... even though we have a lot of these lately!

I just came home from bible study and this weeks discussion was about being humble and how we are called to do so.  The major thing that resonated with me on this was that trying to do this IF on my own.  I have not been humble towards God in the past because I was trying to figure it all out on my own.  Basically, it was like I didn't NEED Him.  That is a major thing God has been working on me this past year.  Humbling myself to ask Him for strength, guidance, healing, His will, etc.  When we were going through IF treatments last year I relied too much on my doctor, too much on the Internet for answers, when I SHOULD have relied on God.  I left him out of the equation which only left me alone and depressed. 

This time... I have put God first in everything, this is the first time I really feel like we waited and God answered.  We didn't just JUMP into IVF we were led there (not saying its going to work the first time or ever).  I'm not sure what God is going to do here, there are a lot of possibilities and I know it may not work.  Part of going through this process may be for God to show us another avenue He wants us to take, or it may be to give us the child of our dreams.  The ONE thing I do know for sure is that I NEVER want to leave God out of the equation of my life again!

Monday, October 25, 2010

She's HERE...

Yes the infamous AF FINALLY arrive.  After 10 days on Provera and 7 days waiting, I am thrilled to say I have bad cramps!  I was able to call Dr. R's office this morning to share my good news. 

C and I are both going to go in on Wednesday.  I have to go for what I believe is an u/s and to get bcp's.  C is going to give his manly goods which, I guess, they will culture (required for IVF) and do the standard checks... #'s, motility, morphology, etc.  and we both have to get blood work.  C is devastated about the blood work.  He is so scared of needles and almost passed out last time!  I however, am a pro!  I have had so many shots in my life its crazy!  When I was a kid I had to have allergy shots twice a week in each arm for asthma , I also used to give blood (I'm B+ a more rare blood) until I started these IF treatments and became anemic (which I'm not anymore), and of course all of the Follistim shots in the tummy with tons of blood work.  I seriously feel like a human pin cushion, which I'm sure many of you relate! 

So I was doing some research on IVF yesterday and was trying to figure out the time line.  I was wondering how long on BCP's, Lupron, etc.  Normally, you have to be on BCP's for two weeks.  I was able to go over the potential schedule with the nurse the morning.  Unfortunately, I will be on BCP's an extra week because their lab is going to be down for a week (I'm assuming for Thanksgiving?) so everything is going to be pushed back a week or so.  But she said my retrieval will be around the 9th or 10th of Dec with the transfer around the 12th or 13th (I think).  I will know more on Wednesday.  Does that mean that is would be a 3day transfer?  What is better a 3 or 5 day transfer?

Can't wait to find out ALL of the details!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I think we hit the JACKPOT...

in insurance!!  I am so excited!  Because we had a change in status (me quitting my job), and C and I were both insured through the school district, we were able to go to his company insurance before Open Enrollment.  I did a lot of research prior to choosing, but did not know exactly what would be covered for IF entirely.  We chose United Health's POS plan (HIGHLY recommend!).  I hadn't heard of a POS plan prior to his company offering it.  I thought there was HMO and PPO and that's it.  Well, We chose the POS plan which is only little more per month than the PPO.  We get to choose our doctors (NO MORE REFERRALS... THANK YOU GOD!), choose our hospitals, and 90% of everything is covered with the exception of IF treatments.  For IF, EVERYTHING IS COVERED... INCLUDING IVF!!!  I got a call from Dr. R's office stating our benefits and I could not believe it!!!

I truly feel that God has been leading us to this point.  It is amazing!  Last year I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life... to quit my career as a high school teacher (after months of prayer and seeking Gods provisions for C and I).  That alone has been a blessing to us.  Secondly, I felt an urgency (led from the Holy Spirit) to get our medical records from Dr. D and found C's semen analysis which was far from stellar and made us reconsider who our RE should be. Thirdly, I found Dr. R, but because our current HMO insurance didn't include him, we decided to go with the POS.  I was originally going to just switch medical groups but then that would have been a hassle because I didn't like the hospitals they were associated with.  My dream is to have our bambini (babies in Italiano) at Hoag Hospital which overlooks Newport Beach Harbor.  I want a room with the Ocean view (jk... not really! LOL!)!  Plus the hospital is amazing and has a great track record with phenomenal doctors.  I would feel very safe delivering there :) Fourthly, in the last two weeks we have had three people to tell us to do IVF.  A couple of our friends who have two girls, a woman at church who I had shared briefly my story, and then the other night one of my girlfriends who's sister has pcos and went through everything (almost) that we have and finally got her daughter via IVF.  I told her Dr. R wanted to do a couple of clomid cycles before doing IVF and she said "my sister would tell you to just do the IVF, its too emotional going through clomid if it hasn't been working already."  And Fifthly,  I haven't drank any Alcohol in over 10 weeks.  This was totally Gods leading.  I have been prepping for this moment and I didn't even realize it.

So, C and I were talking last night and we made a decision... we are doing IVF next cycle!!!  But shhhh... its a secret!  We aren't telling anyone... not even my mom!  It is going to be very difficult, but we feel that with all that we have been through, we want to do this together and then share the good news when it comes.  We don't want to get anyone's hopes up anymore.  It has been 28 months since we began this journey together, with so many ups and downs.  We have shared the process with so many friends and relatives that we are ready for it to be just us two.    Sharing didn't get us anywhere.  It has been a long hard road which I never thought would end with IVF, but here we are.  We are ready.

I am still waiting for my period.  I am CD 45 and 6 days post Provera.  I am now glad that it has taken a while to my period (everything happens for a reason in Gods planning).  When we got home last night, I emailed Dr. R...

Hi Dr. R!

We are STILL waiting for my period over here.  I'm cycle day 44 and 5 days post provera.  Anyways, C and I were talking.  We are now thinking we just want to do the IVF.  Its been 28 months since we started ttc and we are tired of waiting... Plus we have full coverage on our new insurance (united health POS plan!).  Can we do that this up coming cycle or is it pushing it?

I still want to have a look at the inside of my uterus (sonohysterogram?) to make sure all is okay and have C's second semen analysis, which I'm going to schedule this week. 

Not sure when my period is going to start, but I would love to do IVF!  We are ready!

Thanks, S


I didn't think I would get a response til Monday, but I woke up to this from him...

"S

Your cycle should start within the next few days. If it doesn't, please let know. Beforehand, we need the semen analysis and we will so the sonohysterogram while you're on birth control pills (BCPs), which is the first med you'll take. Call us when you cycle starts. We'll see you on or before day 3 of your cycle. If everything isn't perfect, we won't do IVF.

Dr. R"

C and I are SUPER excited and trust him completely.  I know this is the right decision I can feel it in my heart!  

Friday, October 22, 2010

Advantages of Trusting God...

is day 15 in the daily devotional that I'm currently reading called, Attitudes of Success.  This one really struck accord with me so I thought I would write about it...

"Trouble is a common occurence for us earthlings (Job 5:7).  Its easy to let our mind and emotions run wild."  This made me think of IF... its trouble!  It causes us to stress, worry, have doubt, live in fear, etc.  The problem with these feelings is that they are not from God, they cause us to go outside the boundries God has for us.  We may run to "quick fix" solutions that are "our way" and not "Gods way." 

Looking back at the begining of my journey, or IF treatments.  I put so much pressure on myself to fix the problem.  I was googling like crazy, seeing what worked for others and then trying them myself to see if I could "cure" my infertility.  Its not that simple.

All of this left me feeling empty, alone, exhausted, and depressed.  This was definately NOT what God wanted for me.  Now, I realize that yes, I'm going through IF, but I'm not alone.  I now realized that going through this WITH God, and trusting in His provisions for my life, is building my faith and character, which will in turn, make me a better wife, mother, and follower of Jesus Christ. 

Trusting in the Lord and having confidence in what His plans are, teaches us run to Him and rely on his teachings when lifes pressures feel unbearable.

"Trust in the Lord, and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your hearts desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Dont worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!
Turn from your rage!
Do not lose your temper-
in only leads to harm.
For the wicked will be destroyed,
but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land."

Psalm 37:3-9

Therefore, focusing on God and not on the IF and trusting in Him will, in a sense, cause things to fall into place in His will.  These verse point out what we are supposed to do in times of "trouble:" commit everything to the Lord, Trust, Be patient and spend quality time with the Lord, don't worry, and don't be angry.

I just got off of the phone with a very good friend of mine who is my age, 29.  She is a step-mom to 17 year old girl.  My friend just found out her step daughter was 6 months pregnant.  This is a time when I could be angry and ask God, "why her and not me?"  But, I don't.  She was not following Gods provisions for her life and is now going to struggle.  I feel really bad for my friend who wants a baby too, but is now going to be a 29 year old GRANDMA!

C and I were walking the other night and talking about how if the IF treatments worked the year before that we could have been parents now.  I'm, in some ways, we were both thankful they didn't.  Why?  Because I didn't know then that my husband was going to be working 60-70 hours/ week right now.  I would have been upset and thinking he needed to come and spend time with the baby.  This was something we did not foresee.  God's plans are best.  Even if I want a baby now, I know Gods time and plans are always better than mine.

I put my faith and trust in the Lord! 


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I just learned about...

ICLW, thanks to a fellow blogger, who writes, A little blog about the big Infertility.  Thank you!  And thank you Stirrup queens for having this!!!

I'm really excited about this!  I always wondered how some blogs FIRST post had like 14 comments!  I'm like, "how did people find out about their blog so fast!?"  I've been writing/blogging over a year and I only have 9 followers, which I'm grateful for, but I RARELY get any comments.  I feel, sometimes, that I'm going through this ALONE (so sad).

Because IF is so extremely emotional, it is nice when I do get a comment.  I actually LOVE getting comments (who's kidding).  I remember when I got my FIRST comment!  I had to tell my husband :)  When they say "comments are like the new HUGS," they weren't kidding.  They make you feel good... just like a hug (unless you get a cruel one!).

So, now my job is to also post 6 comments a day!  5 comments on others blogs, and 1 in response to a comment on my blog (hopefully I get some!).

On a different note... I FINALLY finished my LAST Provera pill last night!  Now is the waiting game for good ole AF to show up!  I am defiantly LOOKING FORWARD to her! ha ha.  I was to get this show on the road and start my CLOMID cycle!

Once my AF starts, we also have to make an appt for C's SA.  I am looking forward to that to see if he has a better/different result than last years!

Come on AF... get here already!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Ok... so I fell off the wagon!

I know, I know.... I was so pumped about this diet!  But I just couldn't do it.  I did it for one week and then the weekend killed me.  I was going to have a "cheat day," and I couldn't start again.  That's the problem... if you have to have a cheat day on a diet then its not a good diet.  That is my theory.  What has been working for me the best is the Zone.  I have been doing it since May,AND I have lost weight.  I guess the reason I was going to try this Paleo is because of my pcos.  I don't like that I have to take medication to get my hormones under control.  I was hoping I could CURE my disease.

Well it is what it is.  I no there is no cure.  I can only do my best to keep my insulin as even as possible... balancing protein, carbs, and fat.  Plus, I still can eat ALL that God gave me :)  I enjoyed my favorite breakfast... steal cut oats with blueberries and 2 eggs over medium!

I got to thinking about the Paleo yesterday and was like "Starches are a staple in EVERY culture!"  Italians have pasta, Germans have potatoes, Japanese have rice, etc.  They are there for a purpose!  Having pcos, we just cannot eat too much of them and balance them in a healthy, well rounded diet.

Sorry if I confused anyone :(

On a better note... today is my LAST day of Provera!!!  Thanks God!  Hopefully, I will be starting my period in a couple of days!  Then I'll be back at the RE!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

CD 30

and still no Ovulation.  I LOVE PCOS... NOT!  Why is this happening!?  I upped my metformin to 2250mg and my cycle is longer than EVER!  I was Oing on CD 22-25 on 1500mg.  This so does not make sense. 

The good news is I went in to see my new RE today... Dr R.  He did an ultrasound to first see if I could be PREGNANT!  I laughed at the thought of that.  "Nope.. I haven't even ovulated!"  He asked how I knew and I responded that I did OPK's.  It is somewhat true.  The truth is that I took my temp and it was 96.7 in the AM.  If I've ovulated it would be over 98.  For some reason, doctors won't take you serious if you say that you just took your temp.

So he looked at the lining of my uterus and it was at 9.6mm; kind of thick.  Of course my ovaries were covered in follicals, but I had 2 bigger ones, one on each side measuring at about 11 mm.  So, my eggs were getting ripe just takin so dang long!  I guessed it would have been another week or two til I ovulated (because I always do on my own just late).  I don't think it is all that healthy to have these long cycles so I'm going to take provera for the next 10 days.  Otherwise it could have been a month until I started my next cycle.  So frustrating!

On another note... I'm doing much better than the other day!  I had to cry it out and then just move forward.  I love how crying can make you feel better :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Ugh!


I just need to vent.  I have had an emotional day.  Not really anyone I know can relate to what I'm feeling at the moment, which only makes matters worse (Thank God for this BLOG).  I just kinda feel empty right now, which is the complete opposite of what I've been feeling for the past few weeks (aka on fire for Jesus! LOL).  Anyways, I have been so excited about my small group... lots of women, hopefully going to meet some amazing Christian friends, excited about the topic, etc.  Well it was all going well until today.  I went to what felt like a mom's group rather than a womens bible study. UGH!  So frustrating.    Yes, many of the questions were related to the bible, how we deal with life, etc., but the leader kept saying "what have attitudes do you want your children to learn from you" or "what have your children taught you ... CHILDREN, CHILDREN, CHILDREN (thats all I could hear after a bit)!"  I'm like I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN KIDS LADY!!!   Obviously I did not say that.  But I did feel like screaming it and walking out.  The only reason I didn't was because I would look like a RAGING LUNATIC! ha!  Its sad, I'm sad. I feel like crying I'm so sad.  Part of me never wants to go back to this group, but I know I should because that is exactly what the devil would want.  Part of me wants to say something privately to the group leader about how she phrases the questions and if she could be a little more  sensitive to the INFERTILE of the group, but I know that is not technically fair since that is what the MAJORITY of the women are dealing with... children.  I'm not really sure what to do.  Prayer would be good... for you prayer warriors out there, please pray for me that God gives me the strength and the wisdom to get through this and so that I may have a better attitude during the meetings.  I know its not their fault.  They cannot help that they have children (One lady actually had her baby there!), they can't help that God has blessed them with the ability to concieve (so easily?).  Blah blah blah.  Ok I'm done.  That is my venting for the day.  I really needed to get this of my chest and talk to someone... anyone! ha!  I'm not sure there are even many readers, but this is me...being real.... venting.  Advice?  Would love some!!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

5 weeks and 1 day....

since I've had a glass of wine.  Man, has it been good!  I never thought I would say that.  I love(d) wine and everything associated with it... good food paired with a fine glass of Pinot Nior, friends and socializing, relaxing after a long day, etc.  However, God has been doing amazing things in my life through this.  I'm not sure, but it seems as if God couldn't give me all the blessings that he has for my until I gave that part of my life to him.  My walk with God is getting stronger and I'm feeling more like the woman God has created me to be.  I have the desire to get involved in church and do things that are positive that don't revolve around drinking socially.  I don't feel like hanging out at places where that is a primary focus.  Instead, I am putting my efforts to get to know people who want to serve the Lord.

I joined a woman's bible study that started on Thursday.  I am sooo excited about it.  I am excited that this is where God wants me to be.  I am excited that I am beginning to meet people with the same desires I have.  I also decided to serve in the decorations team for the woman's conference (which was today!).  I helped make the table center pieces and set up the stage.  It was really fun... good clean sober fun! LOL.

Not that I feel that people shouldn't drink, or that it is wrong, or that I will never drink again.  I don't know when/if I will.  I do know that this is what God is calling me to do and I'm finally listening.  It feels amazing.

Recently I had someone who wanted to pray over me because she found out that C and I have been struggling with IF.  She does intercessory prayer, which means she intercedes for the Holy Spirit when praying.  It was quite the experience.  I thought that she was going to just lay hands and pray that I get pregnant (God willing).  However, it ended up that I needed to forgive some people.  We spent well over an hour her leading me in forgiveness.  Once we were done, it as if was a huge weight had been lifted.  I guess sometimes God does not give us his blessings when we are holding onto unforgiveness.  She said that many people have gotten pregnant soon after prayers like this.  I am being cautiously optimistic.  I do feel like C and I are on a fresh start with so many avenues in our lives right now, but again, we shall see.

On a separate note... I am a little bummed because I'm CD23, and no O.  Ugh!  I thought that with the new upped Met dose my cycles would regulate. Its frustrating because I would like to start with my new RE!  Patience is a virtue!
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