Thursday, April 29, 2010

Debbie Downer WARNING…

I obviously got another BFN last weekend and started my period Saturday. I was totally PMSing. I am just so over seeing those negatives! I didn’t even want to start this next medicated cycle! But, we had already paid for the meds and everything is set up.

I went in tuesday for my CD 3 check up. Good news is that my ovaries look so much better! Not sure if that is due to acupuncture or just being on Metformin. I didn’t have any cysts, so Dr D had me start injections tuesday night… 100iu for three days! He is starting me a little higher this time, I usually start at 75iu. It will be interesting to see what happens. I go in tomorrow for another check up to see if I have any follicles growing... I'm sure I do! I can feel my ovaries! One reason I think he is being more aggressive is that this is my LAST cycle trying… for good! Sorry to disappoint. I’m done after this. I just can’t do it anymore. No IVF, no temping, no OPK’s… Finito!

C and I had a really good talk on Sunday. We feel that one day God WILL give us a child, but in his time. We are done trying. It is emotionally draining for us both. I don’t want years to pass and not be happy. I can’t be one of those women who just keep trying and trying and they are not enjoying life! I love my husband way to much for that. I realized that even trying on our own is JUST as draining as going through a medicated cycle. Getting that negative is devastating either way! I figure if God can get a VIRGIN pregnant, he can help us out, if that’s what He wants for us!

So this cycle, I give up… I’m done. I’m just going through the motions and am NOT going to even think its possible to get pregnant. Its just not going to happen this way for me. I’ll still post my stats for a bit for those of you who are following. Sorry to be so negative… but this IS where I am able to write my feelings… my journal!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

One day late...

for my period! Don't get your hopes up yet! I'm really trying not to. My temp has not dropped, I was sure I would be starting my stim's again tomorrow. I've been having cramping for the last two days and every time I go to the bathroom to check... no AF? AF WHERE R U? I didn't ever think I would say that, but I don't like it when she plays tricks on me! There is no possible way I can be pregnant... right?

This touched my heart today...

I came across this today and thought I would share! It truly touched my heart...Enjoy!

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

© 1980 Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I got my computer back!!! I was having withdrawls! ha ha. I had to take my comp in this week to get looked at because it had been running a little slow. Low and behold, it had three viruses. Last night I installed new virus software, so now we are protected and ready to go!

This week has been crazy. I had so much to write about so now I'll do my best to update...

Sunday- We were supposed to go camping down in Doheny Beach, but the weather sucked and it was raining. Big bummer, since I have been on spring break this week.

Monday- I got so much stuff done around the house! I put off so much while I'm working because I know I have a break coming up. I don't know if that's good or bad? I also had my second appointment with my new acu. It was really good... absolutely love him! My previous acu called to see how I was doing. I couldn't tell her that I switched, so I just told her I'm on spring break and taking a break. Is that bad? I felt horrible :(

Tuesday- My Meds came!!! I was so excited!!! I got my follistim, a new follistim pen, HCG, progesterone, tons of needles, and of course, the used needle container. I feel like a druggie! LOL. But, I'm supper excited! I had tons of energy today too and got more stuff done.

Wednesday- I crashed. I was so crazy busy the previous days, I thought I should relax a little and enjoy my break. Plus Tuesday night I had anxiety. I didn't understand it. I was feeling so good then all of a sudden I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest :( I had an appointment with my counselor today too. Did I mention that I was seeing one? She is amazing and has REALLY been helping me deal with my emotions. All this IF stuff is tough!!!

Thursday- Had more energy again! My Mom came can stayed the night, which was awesome! I love her, she is the best! I had to take her to LAX in the morning so she could go and meet my Dad in Hawaii! My Dad's working on the Big Island, fixing up my cousins place. Poor thing! jk.

Friday- Went to my good friend G's baby shower! She is now 7 months PG with her miracle baby! It was awesome and I got to see one of my really good friends I haven't seen in two years! I was also the designated photographer, which was fun, but its really hard to be the guest AND the photographer!

Saturday- Woke up at 6 to take C to his dads. They did an overnight trip to Laughlin, NV. Had to get the wave runners from the mechanic and take them back to his Dad's place there. I Went to the women's luncheon at Church. AMAZING! The theme was, Grounded in Faith. Perfect for me and my circumstances. It was exactly what I needed. I was in tears almost the whole time! There was a guest speaker who had such an awesome story. She was a quadriplegic, who turned her life toward our Lord. She now has movement of her arms and can sing! She is married and even had a baby! Ladies, anything is possible with OUR GOD. If she could conceive NATURALLY, our God can do it ALL. It was kinda funny because she said she had a natural birth also... she didn't feel a thing!

And that about wraps up my week! Today I plan to go to church and then take Oliver on a nice long walk in central park (not in NY!). Hopefully C will be home early so we can spend some quality time together before I go back to work tomorrow.. UGH!

Oh, so I'm currently in my 2ww on a natural cycle. I am 9dpo. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I've never seen my chart look like this! Please check it out and tell me what you think!!

Thanks, SARA

My Ovulation Chart

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I decided to...

change acupuncturists... finally. It was the best decision! I was never really sure of mine, she never seemed to do things thoroughly and when I had questions she would answer very vaguely. Although I have been going to her since October, I haven't really seen results... in my cycle anyway. I realized yesterday that she had been treating my symptoms, not the cause or route.

This acupuncturist, was awesome right from the start. In his office, he did a FULL medical back ground check, asking me tons of questions about my symptoms. I told him about pcos, long cycles etc. Then once we had all of that covered, he did further testing in the room where he does the acupuncture, he had me lay down and did further testing. He put pressure on different places on my abdomen and asked if there was pain. There were two spot that were uncomfortable. He also checked my "energy flow." By touching each finger and each toe and pressing on a gauge of some sort. I was weak on both my left pinky and pinky toe. This meant I had some blood stagnation in my small intestine and heart. He had me touch my abdomen in two spots. My lower abdomen was cold and my upper was hot. He said this meant I was too cool to carry a baby and not enough blood flow to the uterus.

Later he only put needles in two spots, which connected to the areas that gave me pain. I honestly felt like energy was running through my body. After the needles came out, he put pressure on the two spots again and the pain was gone! I couldn't believe it! He is good! I am bummed I wasted all this time and money on the previous girl. She was also $20 more expensive!

He said that next week he will balance my body, then start working on treating the stagnation and to bring heat to my abdomen... whatever that means!?! Ha ha

I am looking forward to my future appointments and to really see if this helps :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The follow up...

hysteroscopy was on Monday, so I took the day off work. I am so glad I did. It was the worst one yet... hurt so bad! And of course I told C that he didn't have to go because it wont be that big of a deal. I wish he came now :( Dr. D went in and he used extra water this time to make sure my uterus was nice and open. My uterus started cramping immediately! It was so bad and the nurse asked if I wanted to hold her hand... I said YES! Dr. D noticed some "healing tissue" dangeling so he had to cut it out! I couldn't look but then once it was resected, all I saw was ONE healthy looking uterus! Dr. D was even impressed and he said there is NO chance of it returning! There wasn't even a lip left... like there was the last time!!

I am so excited! I really can't imagine going through this process AGAIN... so pray this is it this time!

I started temping again, but I am worried now that my cycles are going to be messed up again since I just got off BCP. Who know when O will come!?! I'm CD14 now. Hopefully soon. My last "normal" cycle before surgery was January... I O'd on CD26. Its been over 2 months now, so hopefully sooner than that since I've been on the Metformin for four months!! I'll keep ya updated!
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