Sunday, August 30, 2009

Why do we suffer?

Church was very good today. I really needed it. It reminded me to rely more on God and less on Google. Google does not have my best interest at heart, God does. Google will not answer my problems, God will. Google will not comfort me through the storms of my life (infertility), God can. So why do we suffer?

To develop faith
To reveal our true character (Job 23:10)
To expose hidden or hurtful sin (Psalm 139:23-24)
To learn obedience (Hebrews 5:8)
To keep down pride
To Glorify GOD

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

Through this message, I received great comfort, to know that God ALWAYS has my best interest in mind.

Another quote that I love is this:

"Instead of telling God how big your mountain is, try telling your mountain how big your God is."

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The dreaded 2ww...

Its horrible! Not only have I felt horrible, but its horrible that I don't know whats really going on in there. I am now currently 5 dpo. Its Saturday. Its been officially one week since I got my HCG trigger, 6 days since my first IUI and 5 since my second. Here is what my week has been like:

Monday: IUI, cramps all day, nap, laid around, watched TV, Eat, Bed.
Tuesday: Cramps all day, laid around, watched TV, eat, Laid around, watch tv, took the dog on a very leiserly walk with DH, watch TV, Stayed at my parents with DH.
Wednesday: Cramps all day, went on a walk with mom and dogs, rested, went shopping, rested, read book, ate dinner, went home, bed.
Thursday: Cramps on an off all day, went swimming, picked up house, have a little more energy, rested, made dinner, TV, Bed.
Friday: Cramps on and off all day, did laundry, internet, went to beach, went to dinner with DH's bosses, Sleep.
Saturday: Woke up with AF like cramps, feel tired.

So here I am tired again and still with cramps. I don't get it. I feel like I'm going to start my period, but I know that's not possible. I keep having moments where I think I'm pregnant (I have to be!) and moments where I just know I'm going to get another BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I will be heart broken. I can't wait til the 2ww is o-v-e-r. Its dreadful.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Things changed...

Quick! Saturday I went in for my next u/s and my follies grew from 18 and 17 to 22mm each! The NP did the HCG trigger on the spot. My DH and I were very shocked, nervous, and excited. We weren't really ready for that since we both had mentally prepared for sunday trigger.

I had my first IUI on Sunday. We had an appt. for a drop off at 10 for the semen wash, then IUI at 11. Dr. D checked to see if I had ovulated and I hadn't yet, so I had 76 million strong swimmers waiting for my lil eggs to release. Dr. D was impressed with my DH's #'s because we had only abstained for technically 1 1/2 days (we though IUI was Monday). He said he likes to see more than 10 million, so that was great!

I do NOT like how they do the IUI. They use metal, not plastic, tool to open your vag up, no KY, only H2O. It is not the most comfortable procedure. Then the nurse inserts a catheder into your cervix and immediately your uterus contracts, then continues to contract while she inserts the semen. I was crampy the entire day following, but did fine with some tylenol.

Today I went in for IUI#2. This time at 7 and 8. EARLY! My DH had to work though, so we had to go that early. U/S showed that I had ovulated, which I knew I did (I'm very in tuned with my body... I feel everything!), and BOTH eggs released!!!

Once home, I continued to feel crampy and so I layed down and took a nap. Plus I was extremely tired from the lack of sleep due to being excited about all thats going on :)

So here are my current stats summed up:

Follistim Cycle #1
8/14: 75iu
8/17: u/s lots of follies 10mm b/w E2: 80
8/19: u/s one at 15mm one at 14mm, b/w E2:91
low E2 upped dosage 100iu
8/21: u/s one at 18mm one at 17, lots of smaller.
b/w E2: 220; maintaining 100iu
8/22: u/s two mature at 22mm!! HCG trigger!
8/23: IUI #1 74 million strong swimmers!
8/24: IUI #2 40 million strong swimmers!
8/24: starting progesterone suppositories am/pm
8/31: progesterone blood test
9/7: test date!!!

Friday, August 21, 2009


Just got home from another appointment with Dr. D. My two follies have grown, one at 18 and one at 17! Today is day 8 on follistim and CD11. I am responding great! I asked Dr. D about my estrogen since it didn't rise much on Wednesday. He says "if it continues to stay low then we will just continue to up my dosage, possibly up to 150, but that is unlikely." So its no problem. I now have to go every day till IUI day. He thinks I will get my HCG shot Sunday and IUI monday and tuesday! I am very excited.

"in ALL things God works for the good"

I was reading my Bible last night and I read that verse. It was a reminder (I need a lot of those) that no matter what we go through in this life that He is there and has our best interest in mind. It got me thinking about my situation. God has been using this time to prepare my husband and I for whatever he has in store for us. Of course I am praying that it includes a baby of our own, but it may not.

When I began this blog not too long ago I wrote a post titled "I'm not that girl," but it seems like the more I write and the more I am going through this process, I am becoming the girl that truly wants to become mother. No, not that it is the end all if I don't or I can't be happy for ANOTHER pregnant friend, but that the Lord is preparing me fully to be a mother. Maybe I need this extra time to contemplate motherhood? All I know is that one day I will be able to look back and have that "aha!" moment and see what God was up to and the reasons I am going through what I am. And then, I can be thankful.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Thursday, August 20, 2009


I feel horrible today! Yesterday I woke up with knots in my stomach! No, its not from the meds, I got food poisoning! The worst part is, is that it was from leftovers in my fridge... my cooking!!! Horrible! I usually love leftovers! Eeewww.... makes me sick thinking about it. I made spaghetti squash with grilled chicken and pesto. I swear I made it over the weekend, but my husband said that it was from a week and a half ago! SICK!!! At least I ONLY have stomach cramping and no vomiting.

On a different note, I did have a good day yesterday. I went to see my mom and go shopping. It was so much fun! I love it when I have a REALLY good shopping day! I had just finished painting our entry way and living room and needed to get some decor to spruce up the room! I got a lot of amazing things for a great deal! It was a really good shopping day! I was planning on decorating today, but I feel so sick! We'll see.

While shopping, I got a call from Dr. D. He had my lab results. They weren't as good as I hoped. My estrogen only went from 80 to 91, so he upped my dosage of follistim from 75iu to 100iu. I go in again tomorrow for my u/s and b/w. Hopefully we'll see change for the better! I'm praying!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Grow Follies...

GROW!!! I just had my second appointment with Dr. D post shots. I am so excited! I have two dominant follies on my left ovary and a bunch of other little ones. One is measured at 14mm and the other is at 15mm. I know they need to be between 18-22 to do the HCG shot (to make me ovulate). Hopefully we have twins!!! I can't wait till Friday to see how they are doing!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


was our second anniversary! Which is why I'm blogging today. I was very busy yesterday... for good reasons.

My first appointment post shots was also yesterday. I went in for my u/s, Dr. D checked my ovaries and they are responding. I have a ton of eggs on each ovary measuring 10mm, which is good after three days of shots. I did my blood work and Dr. D called later in the afternoon to tell me that my estrogen level was at 80 (I guess that's good!). I am responding to the VERY low dose of 75. He is keeping me at this level for the next two days. I go in again tomorrow for more blood work and u/s.

I asked a couple more questions this time because I forget every other time I go in. I asked, "what are my chances of multiples?" Dr. D replied that "every couple using injectables has a 20- 25% chance of having multiples, however because you have so many follicles, you have a higher chance." hmmm.... made me think.... he continued, "I am keeping you at a low does so we don't have too many eggs and then have to shut down the 'operation.'" I asked, "how many eggs is too many?" He replied, "I really don't want to have more than three, we don't want you on the cover of People." There it was again!!! Another dig at all the moms with 4+ babies. Geeze... I don't want that either!!

Anyways, I am excited that the Follistim is working and I get to stay on such a low dose! I'm still on the first vile :)

For our lovely anniversary, we went and got massages together, then went to Balboa Island and went to a cute lil Italian Restaraunt called Amalia's ... Very Yummy! I have not been drinking any wine, but did have a glass... It was our anniversary!!


Saturday, August 15, 2009

I got shot last night...

in the leg! It took me over 20 minutes to build up the courage. I was literally sweating and having a anxiety attack. What was wrong with me!?! I was told that it hurt less to inject in the stomach, but there is something about shooting it there... I could not do it! My DH is of course afraid of needles, so he could not do it. I was begging him to do it. I felt like I was on top of a high dive and every time he would count down (from the OTHER ROOM!) "3 - 2 - 1" I would yell "WAIT!! I can't do it!!" I had to pray to the Lord to give me the strength and courage to give myself the freakin shot! So finally he said do it in the leg. I did it. There was still some hesitation, but when I did it, I could not believe that was all it was. I literally did not even feel the shot go in! Pretty pathetic.

Here's the thing, when I was younger I had asthma so I got allergy shots in my arms twice a week for a couple of years. I have had so many piercings, and I just go my nose done (for the 3rd time!) in June. What was my problem?!? I guess I could not get over the fact of giving MYSELF the shot. It was scary and I have to say, humbling. But the Lord is good, he is ALWAYS good.

Friday, August 14, 2009

No Easter Hunt Needed Here...

I am on CD 3 and I had my appointment with Dr. D this morning. I was very excited.. especially because my DH came with me.

When I called a few days ago to let them know I started my period (which only took exactly 1 week from the time I received my progesterone shot!), they warned me that they have to do an ultrasound to ensure my ovaries have no cysts on them(THANK YOU PCOS!!!). So the last few days I was so worried that I would have a giant cyst or something and wouldn't be able to begin my injections tonight. But again I had to remind myself (as well as, my mother had to remind me), that it is in God's hands.

Once we arrived to Dr. D's, I got undressed for the u/s. We were both a little nervous about what he might say. I knew I had a lot of follicles, but I wasn't prepared for his comment. First he showed me and DH my NEW AND IMPROVED uterus... then my ovaries and said, "Wow you have a ton of eggs!" I replied, "well that's a good thing, right?" Dr. D continued, "Yes, but we don't want you to be the next OCTOMOM." My husband interjected, " Ya we definately don't want to be the next Chris and Sara plus eight either!" We all kinda laughed. But, its the reality, and its scary!

After I got dressed we went into the other room and went over instructions on how to inject myself (DH is too scared of needles to help me). He is starting me on the lowest dose, of 75, over the weekend to see how my EGGS and ovaries respond. My appointments for next week will be on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and possible every day following Friday. Then he said they want to do two IUI's, possibly starting the following Monday, depending on how my egg's do. HOW EXCITING!!! I COULD BE PREGNANT IN 2 WEEKS!! Please pray for me and my husband if you read this!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

No sign yet...

of my period. I have to say I am a little disappointed. I know its only been six days post shot, but I want it to start! I'm not sure how long it is going to take (maybe I should google it!), but I'm very ready. Every time I open the fridge I see my Follistim staring at me in the face. I hate waiting. Everything with baby makin is a waiting game. Sometimes I am so impatient.

My DH and I are celebrating our 2nd anniversary next Monday on the 17th. He is DEFINITELY hoping I start so that I will not be on my period on that day... for obvious reasons ;-) We did celebrate our anniversary in Italy this summer, but this is the official, so of course we are celebrating again.

Currently I am detoxing from coffee and wine. I have not drank wine since the No Doubt concert on August 2. I have to say I am VERY proud of myself. I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I love to enjoy a glass with dinner or friends. Coffee is my other vice. I drink a cup EVERY morning. I started drinking black coffee a year ago from that french vanilla coffeemate creamer. I try to eat a clean diet as much as possible. However, this was VERY difficult. I have not quit coffee but have switched to decaf... slowly. Every few days I use one less scoup of regular and one more scoupe of decaf. Today was my first day of all decaf! Wooo hooo! I want to be the healthiest for my baby, so my baby has a good home for nine months. Plus, I know it increases fertility :)

Friday, August 7, 2009

Wow, wow, and wow...

I am shocked scared and excited all at the same time. On Wednesday I went in to Dr. D's office and saw the NP (Nurse Practitioner) to get a progesterone shot (ouch!) on my bum to start my period. I'm only on CD 21 and with my cycles the way they are, I would've been waiting a while to get this baby makin show on the road. The shot itself didn't hurt too bad, but it now has a bruise and is pretty sore. I even feel it when I go running, which is weird. I guess its the pounding from the pavement.

After the shot I asked the NP what the next steps were. Dr. D gave a couple options a while ago, but never said anything definitively. I new it was either Clomid + IUI or Injectables +IUI. "Dr. D wants to put you on injectables." OMG, really? I wasn't really prepared for that. I just assumed since I haven't tried anything else that I would try Clomid first. The NP explained that with my ovaries the way they were with the "classic string of pearls" and 30-50 follicals on each ovary, they didn't want me to HAVE A LITTER! I replied "I don't either!"

Its kinda been a joke with my DH and I with our close friends and family that we didn't want to me the next Octomom or Jon and Kate. Speaking of Kate, she actually came to our church this year to promote her book an talk about how she and Jon are Christians and are so happily married (but the show cuts that part out), and then a week later Kate and Jon were separating and possible divorcing. I was thinking hmmmm... thats interesting. What she saying and doing are in two separate categories. Anyways I guess thats a topic for another blog.

According to the NP Injectables are safer because they can better gauge how well my ovaries (and follies) are taking the meds and then they are able to adjust the meds accordingly. This is so they don't over stimulate my ovaries. Whereas with Clomid, a pill is a pill, you can't take more or less one day to the next. The outcome is what it is. Hence the need for some women to have to up the dosage the next cycle.

I have to say. I am very excited! Today my order showed up and I received all my meds. I will be taking Follistim AQ (300 unit, 1 vile), Progesterone suppositories, and HCG. I have no idea how to use this stuff yet, but will find out as soon as I start my period! The follistim cam in a ice pack and I had to put it in the fridge right away. There was also two vile's of meds for other shots, and the "pen" for the follistim. I can see how Dr. D will be able to monitor the dosage by the twist of the top of the pen, more or less meds come out in the shot. I showed my DH and he got faint. What is up with men? I don't get it. Anyways he told me he will not be able to give me any shots or he'll pass out! (Another topic for another blog!)

I'm an avid googler. When I don't know something or want to know something, I look it up. Therefore, as soon as I got home I jumped on my comp and I looked up info. and the schedule for Injectables. It states:

Injectables are usually done in conjunction with IUI to get a better success rate, but can also be done with timed intercourse.
Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday

Menstrual period starts

2 3

Baseline blood and ultrasound

Day 1 of stimulation

Start FSH shots ("injectables")


Day 2 of stimulation

FSH shot


Day 3 of stimulation

FSH shot


Day 4 of stimulation

FSH shot


Blood and ultrasound

Day 5 of stimulation

FSH shot


Day 6 of stimulation

FSH shot


Blood and ultrasound

Day 7 of stimulation

FSH shot


Stimulation is done - HCG "trigger" shot given in evening

Day 8 of stimulation

11 12

Insemination, IUI - (or timed intercourse) in morning

13 14

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

To inseminate or not to inseminate...

Last night over turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes, my DH (Dear Husband) and I were discussing the possibilities of insemination (I mean what else do you talk about over dinner?). Like most men, this is the worst thing possible. It was hell trying to get him to give a semen sample to Dr. D, and now this (Even though he has a VERY good count 270 million and 60 % mobility)? He thought he was done with that. I had to remind him that the good thing about his sample is that he didn't have to produce it in Dr. D's office because we don't live very far. And that I wasn't working at the moment (teacher... off for the summer!) so I was able to help him out in that dept. I mean how sexy is to to ejaculate in a PLASTIC CUP! Anyways, he still was not convinced.

This morning I was doing a little research on Clomid + IUI. The results are outstanding:
The results DOUBLE!! I told my DH that he needed to go with me to my next appt. with Dr. D. I don't make DH go to all of them because I feel like its a waste of time and I would rather him be bringin home the bacon!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I'm not that girl...

I'm not! I'm not one who is completely obsessed with having kids. I can go to a baby shower and be fine. I can listen to friend after friend tell me that she is pregnant, and be HAPPY for her. Do I want a baby? Yes! But it is not the complete and utter focus of my life. No, there is MUCH more to life than just being a mama. Will I be thrilled if I do become pregnant? ABSOLUTELY! I do want a baby belly. I think it is one of the most beautiful things. I think women are so lucky that we (or most of us) can carry a child... and yes... give birth!

However, for obvious reasons, my DH and I have discussed not having kids. The what if... and actually at this point, we would be okay... sad, but okay.

What would we do if we were not able to conceive? No, not adopt. That is not only for the infertile. It is not our obligation. We talked about doing the following:

-Save money and retire early
-Spend more time with our nieces and nephews
-Travel more
-Retire in an exotic location
-Be able to do what we want and when we want
-Create and keep up hobbies
-Get more involved in ministry/church
-Go on mission trips around the world (have already been to Thailand, Cambodia, and Mexico)

Maybe that isn't the ideal. We both LOVE family. But, we have to have a back up plan. Right? All I know is that God only gives us what we can handle. I have to remind myself of that often. I am praying for Gods will in our lives. I am praying not just for a baby, but I am praying that the Lord will bless us with a baby if it is in His will for our lives.

Monday, August 3, 2009

It has officially been 1 year...

Of trying to conceive! I know I know, most people don't even begin the battle of infertility until now. In some ways my husband and I are extremely lucky! But, this past year we have been through so much (which I will get to). Many ups and downs, hopeful and the shot down.

It was the last week of July, 2008. We had almost been married for one year. We were camping down in San Onfre, CA for the weekend. I was just being silly and told him that my BC were just about finished and maybe we shouldn't get another pack. He agreed!! WHAT!?! I got giddy. That was the last week I took my BC.

August came we celebrated our first anniversary in Hawaii. It was very romantic, just like we had planned. August past and no period. I thought, "Could I be pregnant?" After very pregnant like symptoms (which I learned from Google), pelvic pain, sore breasts, fatigue, etc, no period (!), I took a pregnancy test (or 3) and got my first BFN! I was confused. I know my body I know when I am feeling something... different. FINALLY, September 19 I got my period 54 day cycle! My first red flag!

Although, I have always had irregular periods I thought maybe it would be different now that I'm an adult, a grown woman. I remember a doctor telling me once that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant b/c my cycles were so irregular. At the time I didn't think much of it. I had been on and off b/c since I was 19. It was the only thing that helped my acne which I have always struggled with.

Anyway, I continued to have occasional pelvic pain. I knew something was not right. I made an appointment with my obgyn, she sent me in to have an ultrasound done. When my results came in I could not believe my results. I was diagnosed with a bicornuate uterus (2 uteri). My dr. actually took out a piece of paper and drew what my uterus looked like in comparison to a "normal" uterus. I am abnormal. She said I am unique.

October, I was sent in to have an HSG test. This is where they put a dye in a cathetor and put it through your cervix shoot it into your uterus to make sure there are no blockages in the fallopian tubes and that my uteri are both functioning.

After getting over the shock and coming to the realization that I would most likely end up on bedrest and have to have a c-section, if I got pregnant, I realized God made me this way, for whatever reason, and it was time to rely on Him for support.

My obgyn told me that we can try on our own for a while and if we were not pregnant by March to come back and we can try clomid. The next five months we figured that if we got pregnant it was meat to be since I was so irregular and I had two uteri. Well, nothing happened.

I went back to my obhyn in March. At this time she decided to give me a referral to an infertility specialist, Dr. Dourran (I'll call him Dr. D), who had coincidently helped her concieve through IUI. She said she didn't want to waste time with it and "get me pregnant."

Thank goodness I was sent to him because He brought new things to light. Dr. D ended up doing an ultrasound and thought that I may have a septated uterus. He said 9/10 times thats what it is. He didn't know for sure, however. I had to have surgery I was praying that it was septated, because that would mean it would be fixable and I would be able to potentially have a normal pregancy and delivery. Also, during the ultrasound the doctor said I had 30-50 follicals on each ovary and that I have PCOS, which is why I don't have my period very often :(

I had the hysteroscopy/laproscopy on Thursday, April 23. It was an almost 2 hour surgery! He went in through my belly button and through a Tiny incision (about the width of my pinky nail) below my bikini line. He had to take a camera and see if the top of my uterus was flat or if it was the shape of a V. That was the only way to tell if it was septated. If it was septated (meaning there was tissue coming down the middle of my uterus creating two wombs) he was going to remove it. Dr. D did!! It was septated. That was the first thing I asked when I woke up. I was shocked.

Recovery was not too bad. The first two days I was on strict bed rest and was in a lot of pain (Thank goodness for vicodin!). My mom came over and took care of me the second day since my husband had to go back to work. Monday I was back at work, but taking it very easy. I'm a high school teacher so I had my students helping me a lot.

I had to be on estrogen patches for three weeks following surgery. I guess it helped with healing. Once I stopped the patches I had a HORRIBLE period. I woke up soaked in blood and I had a tampon in. I was scared. I didn't realize how bad it was going to be, Dr. D never told me. At my one month follow up, he asked me how my period was and I found out that was normal. My uterus was cleaning itself out from the surgery. Dr. D did a follow up hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn't any scar tissue. There wasn't!

My DH and I wanted to try on our own one last timebecause we were going to Italy in July for our two year anniversary. I decided that I was going to take it very serious and start temping. I wasn't even sure I could ovulate on my own. I did end up ovulating on CD39, one week before we left for Italy and then started my period while we were there, very disappointing. But I still believe everything happens for a reason.

We got home from Italy on July24. I called Dr. D on Monday to tell him what has happened with my, cycle ovulation, etc. I now have an appointment on Wednesday, August 5, which will be CD21, to come in for a progesterone shot to start my period. Once my period starts I will start fertillity treatments which will TBA...

So that is my year summed up into one blog entry. I have been through a lot some good, some bad, and some ugly. But I now know that my DH and I are now emotionally and financially ready to become loving parents. I believe things happen for a reason and I am thankful I have not become pregant yet. Why? Because Dr. D said after my surgery that I would have had miscarraige after miscarraige because of my septated uterus. Everything happens for a reason.
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