For this Child we have prayed...

I'm six weeks six days today, tomorrow SEVEN WEEKS!  I have not been able to say that since I was pregnant with my twins!  God is so good!

Monday was our ultrasound, to say that I was nervous, would be an understatement.  After so much loss, its like I'm just waiting for bad news.  But, its a miracle...

As of Monday, I was 6 weeks and 2 days and our little peanut was measuring 6 weeks 1 day and had a beautiful heartbeat of 113! I was in tears. After 2 1/2 years ttc #3, two IVF's, seven transfers, four miscarriages, so many tears, begging and pleading with God, and finally surrendering to His perfect will, even if that didn't include any more children, he blessed us.

Each day is such a blessing, and I really beginning to believe this WILL BE OUR RAINBOW baby! My pregnancy symptoms are getting stronger.  Today I was very nauseated until I ate something and may appetite is really off... or Im starving.  My stomach bloat is out of control... and I only have one baby!  I haven't gained any weight yet, I fluctuate between 136 or 137.  This is shocking to me since I'm on STEROIDS of all things.

We go back at 8 weeks for ultrasound  # 2.  I honestly thought I would be having more, like I did with the twins, but I don't want them.  They are a source of major anxiety.  Although, I continue to do my best to cast all my anxieties over to the Lord.... I know this little one is in his hands!

Transfer is scheduled!!

Eeeek!  I'm excited... anxiously excited for MONDAY!  Yup!  That is just around the corner and will be here before we know it!

Lining was 11.8 today, nice and thick, and actually the thickest ever!  So I am [getting] super hopeful for this little guy or girl.  I gave myself my first shot in the bum today and I must have hit a sweet spot because I am already sore, super sore and it has a welt! Not fun but I'm praying this will be worth it this time.

I know God has a plan, I know he CAN do this, I am just praying he WILL.

Because of everything going on with this FET, we decided it would be best if I stayed home with the boys this year and not join my husband in Hawaii! C makes president club for his company every year and we have been so blessed to have take the boys the last four years!  The weather is not always great, last year was cold and rainy actually, so I hope I am not missing too much.

However, since C is gone for the next four days, I decided to hit San Diego with my boys, just us three.  We just checked into this BEAUTIFUL Spanish style hotel in La Jolla.  We are going to the Zoo tomorrow, and other than that I just want to rest!  I'm super exhausted, dizzy, and headachy from all the meds.

I just changed my E2 patches yesterday (still on 6), but  they are lowering it to four patches again friday (praise Jesus!), because I just don't feel well.  Dr. Amin thinks it has to do with the claritin, but I don't think so.  I felt fine until I started the patches!

I will leave you with a pic of my surfer boys I just took down in the lobby!  :)  Prayers appreciated that I will feel better AND for a major miracle!!!!  Thank you all!

Moving Forward...

Where has the time gone!?  I hope you all had a very blessed holiday season!  Ours was busy, but memorable.  I was totally (okay not totally) checked out of IF, and was able to just be present with my family.  CHRISTmas with four year olds is a magical time and it is amazing to see it all through their eyes.

After CHRISTmas, we left the country and went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  After a year of IF treatments, my hubby and I SO needed this break!  It was amazing, reconnecting.  We brought the boys, of course and they are just getting more and more fun to travel and explore the world with!

While we were there on a boat, C looked over at me, while we were both holding a sleeping child in our arms, and said, "Alright, I'm ready for another baby." HA! It took having our two sweet boys who are just growing into such intelligent, loving and kind boys to make him REALLY desire another.  I mean this is such a roller coaster of emotion... this past year has been.  

Last month, I did blood work searching for something else that could potentially cause miscarriage, with Dr. Anderson. It came back showing that I had a positive SSA or Sjogrens syndrome, and also had low protein S, which is a blood clotting disorder.  My first reaction was, how the heck did I ever get pregnant and give birth to TWO beautiful little boys!?  And second, OMGosh my boys are SUCH miracles!  I really had to process all of this new info.  

I sent over my blood work to Dr. Amin to get her thoughts.  She wanted me to see a Rheumetologist prior to starting any more treatments, so I did.  The good news is that I have NO symptoms of sjogrens and the RA isn't worried at all.  The bad news is that for some reason, sjogrens can cause a heart block in growing fetus's in the womb!  However, she isn't really concerned because I have already had two babies just fine and I am asymptomatic.  She said, "If we tested everyone in the world for sometime, everyone would have something show up, even if they don't have symptoms."  However, knowing all of this, if I ever do get pregnant, I will need to see a perinatologist throughout my pregnancy, which I am totally okay with since I had to with my twins too!  I loved getting to see them grow so often!

Dr. Amin just retested the protein S to be sure it wasn't low from the miscarriage and it also came back normal! Praise God!

Last month I spent a lot of time in prayer, and processing all the info.  I just wanted a clear cut answer on what doctor to use... Dr. Anderson who has an 85% success rate, but will only transfer one embryo or Dr. Amin, who has a 75% success rate but will transfer two...  And if we should thaw 10 eggs or all 27 eggs!

Well one morning during my quiet time (when I read my bible and pray in a quiet place to hear Him speak), it all became very clear to me.  I was sure as ever and I still feel very confident in this decision.  I am sticking with Dr. Amin and we are thawing and fertilizing ALL 27 eggs.  I am very happy with this decision.  I am putting this all in Gods hands as I always do.  

It hit me that morning, that out of 29 eggs our first IVF, all we had were Rocco and Maximus, and NOTHING LEFT TO FREEZE.  We had two perfect embryos and that was all!  Now mind you, those were rescue icsi'd, but now my eggs are frozen!  We are putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak, and praying for a miracle... at least one healthy take home baby!

And when is this happening???  MONDAY!!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  We have to be there at 830 so they can ICSI the eggs with C's Sperm!  It is so exciting because I am not having to do an egg retrieval, we just show up to give his "goods!"

We will also be PGS testing the day five embryos and freezing.  I'm currently CD 8.  So transfer will be next cycle.

Please please PRAY that we get some good looking embryo's this week!  That all the eggs thaw perfectly! That we get at least one normal one... and for God's will most of all!  We are praying for one HEALTHY BABY! 

Thanks everyone! 

She Holds Onto Hope

Prayer is an amazing thing.

 I was super vulnerable Sunday and posted on my Instagram (@naturalhealthmomma) sharing the pain and hurt of miscarriage.  I'm not sure why I posted, but I felt a huge weight lifted.  The response was not what I expected at all!  I received over 100 comments of people telling me they were praying for me!  I read every comment with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I was overwhelmed by the love and support by so many!  I was humbled, to say the least!

Just prior to the insta posting,  I took the boys and went to church.  During worship, we were singing about being in His presence.  I realized that I never want to be out of His presence.  I was taking a stand, raising my hands in worship singing songs to my Lord, praising His name, even after losing two babies, I realized God is STILL good.  I was NOT going to let Satan win.  He wants to discourage me and pull me away from the one who wants to comfort me!

Since that day, I have had many conversations with God.  I realized that I can be angry and raise my fists at Him, or have him be here from me and help me heal from the wounds of IF and pregnancy loss.  I felt like I was drowning and I really needed him to pull me out of the pit of despair.  God is so good and he has been doing just that!

I've been really praying for my heart to line up with his will, praying for Him to take the desire of another baby away from me, if it wasn't what he had in store for us.

With the loss of baby #2, it put a lot of things into perspective for me.

• First, I realized that yes, traveling was important to me, but being a family and a mom was more important. We were planning on traveling to Europe in May, if I wasn't pregnant.
• Being a mom, is the best job in the world.  I feel like I was made to be a mom.
• We have a VERY short window to possibly grow our family (I'm almost 35), and a life time to travel the world.
• Adoption is not for me (at least at this point).  God has not placed it in my heart.  I have moments where I think, yes, I could do it! But ultimately I would have too many worries.
• Infertility is a lot like cancer.  If someone with cancer was failing treatment, would they just give up or keep trying until ALL options were exhausted.  Would they just stop the first treatment and decide "God must not want me to get well." NO!  They would keep trying to get well!  
• I was scared to death to share all of this with my husband.

I was researching the other night on other doctors in my area, and specifically doctors with high success rates.  I was blown away when I found SCCRM!  They are my very first RE actually, except Dr. D is no longer there and the original RE, Dr. Anderson is!  He has an 85% success rate!  I think that is unheard of!

Now, there is a lot of processing still to do.  I still may go there and decided I can't go through with it again. However, I feel like if I don't, I would always wonder.

I finally came clean to C the other night about my feelings.  One of the reasons I agreed to stoping treatment 'no matter what' after our last cycle is because I though for sure it would work.  He really doesn't want to do this again, but also doesn't want me to resent him for saying no.  I told him if his answer was no, I would have to get over it.  

Well, we ended up on the same page!  We are going to see Dr. A!  I needed hope, I needed to know we still have a chance.  I haven't ever felt our family was complete, even though I am soooo incredibly blessed and grateful for my boys!

I just have to believe God has put this baby on my heart for a purpose.  I either need this dr to tell me, sorry your uterus cannot carry more kids (surrogacy is not an option for me), or yes we can use your 27 eggs!  I need closure of some sort. Or we need to move forward!

My appointment is November 23.  Stay tuned!

Trusting God Through Miscarriage

I have to share this amazingly written post. Just when I thought my faith was unshakeable, Satan found a way to shake it... But he is not going to win! I could feel the walls going up just like the writer in the post below says, but I need my savior to get me through this time. I hope this piece touches you like it did for me. 

Trusting God through Miscarriage by Krissi Trowbridge

“The enemy is after your joy. He wants to steal it forever, and ever.”

Those words shook me to my core while on the phone with a friend. You know in movies where one line is spoken and the mood heightens or changes entirely? This was that… But in real life, in my real heart. Those words pierced like arrows, challenging me to zoom out of the sea of pain I was drowning in, and see a much bigger picture. The big picture was the threat to the quality, the joy I would or would not experience in my life, for the rest of my life, and I wasn’t backing down.

Moments before my friend spoke those words to me in prayer, I had been in the doctor’s office. My husband and I went in together for a routine pregnancy check up. There was nothing unusual going on, which we were fine with after experiencing an early term miscarriage in December. We expected to be in and out after an ultrasound and blood work. We had seen our new baby at two previous appointments, and were eager to get a glimpse of that precious life we were picking out names and planning for. As I lay on the exam table the doctor put the sonogram wand over my stomach. I love hearing baby’s heart beat. It’s the most beautiful music to a mama’s ears. I waited, and heard nothing. I looked at the screen and saw our baby, still, and lifeless.

It seemed like hours staring at that screen, knowing in my heart the truth, but trying to convince myself I was wrong or I was dreaming. Finally our doctor broke the deafening silence, and with tears in his eyes said “I… I can’t hear a heartbeat.” I went numb. Was this really happening? Emotions threatening to engulf me, I was half listening to the doctor tell us to go home today and we would talk about the different options on how to get the baby out… It was all too much. All I could do was lay there.

I felt God’s peace, but I also felt the walls going up around my heart. When you receive such a blow to your joy, your promise, your faith… It shakes you. Being shaken is part of life, but remaining anchored in the midst of the storm is a choice. That choice was a very real one at that moment.

When I heard those words, “the enemy is after your joy” it was like an awakening alarm went off inside of me. Not that I had to be joyful in that moment, but that I could believe the Lord’s joy would strengthen me until I could be. There was a voice in my heart that was shouting of God’s goodness, His faithfulness, even through this. I didn’t know what it was going to look like, but I had decided I would not let the enemy steal my joy for the rest of my life. That I would walk out this pain and healing process with the Lord by my side, carrying me through. In my heart came John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, but my focus was beyond it. My focus was on my Father. The One who knows me and loves me. The One who had prepared me in ways and had others already praying for me. The One who doesn’t kill babies, or anyone for that matter. I felt a resolve in my heart. I felt anchored. Anchored to Jesus. Anchored to His joy. Anchored to peace that really was surpassing my understanding. Anchored to Him. My emotions were thrashing about like an incredible storm, threatening the strength of my anchor, but I just kept breathing. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t have to. I would walk this out, not to impress God with my own strength, but while leaning on Him in my weakness, fully dependent on Him, letting His strength and joy meet all of my pain. Getting up that day was so hard, as were the days and weeks after that appointment.

I had always read “the joy of the Lord is your strength” in Nehemiah 8 as if I had to force myself to be joyful, so I would be strong. This journey of back to back miscarriages has taught me it is not my joythat brings strength, but HIS. I can not tell you how many times I have listened to ‘Forever’ by Kari Jobe. I always laugh and cry with unexplainable joy at the line:

“Oh death, where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!”

It has been a few months now, and I have found myself in different phases of heartache and healing. I kept feeling like I should be ok. People expected me to be ok. There are triggers that cause tears. It took me weeks to go through my closet and take out the maternity clothes. Baby showers are very different for me now. The thing is, I know that at my core I really am ok, but the Lord is still healing me. In prayer one day I asked the Lord why I wasn’t ‘there’ yet… Fully healed. He showed me a picture of me in a deep pit, head in my hands while I cried. He said, “Daughter, you keep thinking I am reaching down from the top of the pit, desperate to help you get out and move on. I’m not there. I am in the pit with you, holding you and weeping with you. Don’t focus on getting there, just focus on Me. Soon we will be out of the pit… not because of your strength, but because you allow Me in your pain, in your pit. I am not in a hurry to get you to the other side, I am interested in the full healing of your heart.” He has been beside me every second of this process. His joy has truly given me strength.

This season has been painfully healing, horribly beautiful, and one I will always remember. Yes, because of the loss, but also for the love, the faithfulness, nearness and depth I have discovered in God. We can’t know we are established in our faith, until that faith is tested. What good is a beautiful mansion, if the foundation has a hole in it? The Lord uses our pain as opportunities to draw us to Him, and rebuild us stronger than before. Just because I am hurting, doesn’t mean God isn’t good. His character does not change when I go through pain.

I will continue to embrace the pain until joy and strength burst from it. I won’t be afraid to feel it ALL, with Jesus, so He can heal me the whole way of this journey, because I trust Him. I won’t settle for anything less than redemption, and neither should you. If you too, have a baby waiting for you in heaven, know that as you read this, I have already prayed for you and your family. You are still a mother, and your baby is worth honoring and acknowledging, no matter how short their life. I see you and with all of my heart want to hug you and hear your story.

There really is nothing He can not bring you through, Mama, If you chose to trust Him, even when it doesn’t line up with what makes sense to you. I promise He won’t leave you broken. He didn’t cause your pain, but He wants to love and heal you through to a more anchored, joyful, beautiful you. Nothing is too difficult for Him.
There may be pain in the night, but joy really does come in the morning! I am praying your joy may be filled to overflowing, even in the midst of the storm. Stay anchored, Sister. He has you!

FET #4 Transfer Day Update!

Thinking PINK!  Although we would be happy, ecstatic, blessed, grateful, with a healthy baby or two no matter the sex!  On our way!

Yesterday went off without a hitch.  Except for the fact that I woke up at 4 am to pee and then couldn't go back to sleep for the life of me because I was TOO EXCITED!  I couldn't believe the day was finally here!  I ended up getting out of bed at 4:30, made a cup of Tulsi Camomile tea and spent some time in The Word.

I'm in reading in 1 Samuel and I'm to the part where Saul went to meet Samuel so he could speak a prophetic word to him.  When he arrived, Samuel said to Saul, I've been waiting for you!  I have a word from the Lord.  He went on and said that he was going to be king and rule over the Isrealites.  Saul replied, who me?  But I am the least in all of my tribe!  He was anointed, filled with the Holy Spirit and went on to be a King!  It was the perfect reading for this transfer day.  I couldn't help but reflect on our last two embryo's.  They were the weakest in the bunch, but God LOVES to use the weak to make them strong!  It was so comforting and reassuring to read this and confirm that I can trust in him and his promises.

We ate a quick breakfast, took quick showers and I used coconut oil as lotion since it is all natural (my favorite anyway), nothing scented!  My friend L came to help with the boys yesterday.  This time we didn't tell ANYONE, besides her, that we were having our transfer.  C is a little superstitious, since we didn't tell anyone with the boys and it worked then.  When I walked out front I looked up and the sky was just gorgeous!  I was like it was a sign that today was going to be perfect...

C and I feeling hopeful before we left!

We arrived in Redondo Beach a little before 9am.  I met my acupuncturist, D,  in the lobby for the first time, she is very sweet and helpful.  C went to go get a cup of coffee at a coffee shop while I had my acupuncture done and I realized I left my water bottle in the car I was supposed to drink!  Acupuncture was okay.  It wasn't that relaxing before transfer because I was SO anxious!  I just wanted to know how my little embabies were doing.  One of my fears was that one would not make the thaw.  However, D brought an awesome meditation for me to listen to which helped a bit.  While I was laying there I was envisioning  God's hands holding our to blasts like usual.  I was also envisioning angels surrounding me blowing trumpets, it was a beautiful thing!  Then as I saw Gods hands, the were suddenly over my belly and I saw him open His hands and let them fall onto my stomach.  It was amazing!  It was like he was telling me they are going to be okay, these are the ones I am giving you!  I pray this is right!

After acupuncture I drank three large glasses of water quickly and took my valium.  They wheeled me into the transfer room, which is the same room I had my ER in too.  Dr. A checked to see if my bladder was full enough, and it wasn't so I had to drink another large glass of water.  I was a little relieved because my valium hadn't kicked in just yet.  A few minutes later Kristine our embryologist from R & M's rescue ICSI cycle came in and I totally teared up!  It was so good to see her!  I showed her a picture of my boys and she said she always shows other couples who end up needing rescue ICSI a picture I gave her of my twins, who need hope!  I thought that was beautiful!  They are such miracles!

Kristine said "BOTH embryo's thawed beautifully!" Praise Jesus!  C got to see them in the petri dish again prior to transfer, just like with the boys.  I think that is so cool!  I am SO thankful we transferred these two back to where it all began!

Our beautiful blasts... The top is a 4AB, and the bottom a 3AB.  He makes the weak STRONG!

Transfer was perfect too!  Dr. A is awesome, she really took her time and researched where Dr. R placed the twins in my Uterus, so she could put these two in the exact same spot!  I do have scar tissue from having my septum removed AND from C-section so I am praying these two find the perfect cozy location.

After transfer I was wheeled back into recovery, where I had my second session of Acupuncture and I listened to another meditation.  This time I was so relaxed I fell asleep!

Lucky socks!

After I woke up, I had to pee!  She wheeled me in a wheel chair to the bathroom, then wheeled me out to meet C who was getting the truck.  I had my legs up and was reclined for the drive home.  Once home, I heated up lunch in the toaster oven, and laid in bed... and fell asleep until 4pm! I tried to get my boys to go to the park while I rested, but they insisted on taking a nap too!  We all slept until 4!

1dp5dt- today I'm sticking to couch rest.  I'm lounging, still in my pjs, drinking water, and trying to pass the time.  I'm going to try real hard not to symptom spot OR POAS this cycle.  We'll see because I can usually tell if its going to be a neg.  Today I am a little crampy, just mild AF type.  I'm shocked my bb's are NOT sore at all.  Last July when I did PIO for the first time, my bb's were sore on transfer day!  Every time is a little different apparently.

Beta day is on October 31!  I'm going to be staying busy busy busy until then!

This was a long post so if you read it all... YOU ROCK!  Please con't to pray for my little embabies!  THANK YOU!!!! xoxo

Having Faith Through Trials

It is so crazy how God uses times like this to stretch our faith.  I mean, C and I really believed we would get pregnant the first try again with our December 2014 IVF. Ha!  It has almost been one whole year of starting IF treatments for baby #3, and no bambino!  I think that would have been to easy for God.  I think he would rather use this time to grow our faith and give us an amazing story to share with others to give Him all the glory.  I mean, Rocco and Maximus's story just keeps getting more and more miraculous, if I don't say so myself!

How on earth we every conceived, let alone conceived twins, is beyond my brain.

Born with a Septated Uterus

Two surgeries to remove it.

Have PCOS

Have MTHFR gene mutation (everyone with PCOS does, apparently)

Husbands sperm cannot penetrate my eggs (reason unknown)

Almost complete IVF failure

TWO healthy gorgeous boys born Aug. 5, 2011

WHAT AN AMAZING GOD WE HAVE

When I sit and reflect on that, I'm just blown away.  Now, how can I be upset that this time hasn't gone as planned!?  Yes, it is painful, yes, we wish it worked the first time, but then God wouldn't have answered our very first prayer of starting this journey for #3, which was, "Lord, please give us just enough!"  One of our fears was having left over embryos.  Now we won't.  We've used them all, or are about to. Each one will have been placed where it was supposed to go.  They have all been prayed over.

We are currently doing a bible study on faith.  I have to say the timing couldn't be more perfect.  One of the the things I've been struggling with isn't faith, because I believe our God can do anything (see above), but trusting that he will do it again for me.  TRUST has been such a big word for me as we go through this.  It is a scary thing to put all of your trust in something/someone.  I was really convicted about this, going through FET #4.  I wanted to put a wall up, go through the motions, so my heart won't break again, but that is not trusting in what He can do.  I am going to believe in the impossible.

"According to your FAITH, will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29

My faith is strong, My trust is finally catching up, I am believing and praying for our miracles.

Our tentative transfer date is going to be October 16th.  Prayers appreciated :)

Mama Bear...

I am.  A Mama bear.  I admit to it.  Some people may think I'm "crazy mom," but you know what?  I don't care.  I absolutely LOVE my kids and would do anything to protect them.  I am a jealous mom too!  And do you know what?  I don't care either!  I am their mom.  No one else.  I will always be THEIR MOM.

Where is this coming from?  UGH.  What a day... It has actually been building from a few weeks or few incidences or comments which have built up and built up, where I have finally had to speak up.  I didn't want to seem "crazy" or like a "mama bear" or "jealous." But you know what?  I am.  I can admit it.  It IS who I am.

I hired a house keeper/mothers helper, "A,"  a couple months ago.  We definitely need help to care for this much larger house.  From the beginning, since I gave birth to my boys, I have NEVER wanted help with my babies.  However, if I am caring for my twins, I DO need help with laundry and cleaning.  Maybe someone to make a bottle every once in a while or to watch them if I need to run an errand or go to the gym... WHICH I ONLY DO WHILE THEY ARE NAPPING!  I like to be the one to put them down and be the one who they see when they wake up.  I do understand that sometimes that doesn't happen and they will wake up before I get home.  That's fine.

What has been bothering me...

1) When A, says, "how are MY babies doing?"

2) When A, suggests I make food a different way than what I am doing for my boys.
                                               
3) When A, says to Rocco, "A makes the BEST bottle EVER!" I overheard this one when I was upstairs changing Maximus's diaper.  I then told Maximus, "No, Mommy makes the best bottle ever!"
                                               
4) When A tries to step in and take one of my babies to change their diaper.
                                               
5) When Asteps in at any time I do not ask for help. UGH!

There are more, but this has been the past week.  Now, don't get me wrong, she is an amazing house keeper.

So, I had to get it off my chest.  I know she felt bad and I am sure meant no harm, but I cannot help how I feel.

Being a mother is MY job.  Being a helper is HER job.  It has been a slow process and she has slowly been trying to mother MY boys.  There is only room for ONE mother in this house.  That is ME.

Boundaries were crossed.  I did set this expectation in the beginning.  I feel bad that she is hurt, but I do not feel bad for being a Mama Bear.

P.S.  C and I had a fabulous Anniversary!  Thank you for all the wishes!  We stayed at the Ritz in Laguna and it was perfect!

                                 

Break down... then prayer.

I am emotionally drained.  I have been trying to stay so strong for my lil guys that I haven't really been feeling my emotions.  I have probably been stuffing them deep down.  Today was the break down.

Today was Rocco's Pre-op.  The doctor basically wanted to make sure he was still nice and healthy and ready for surgery.  We received paper work and were told when to be at the surgery center... 8am and surgery isn't until 915!!!  I am very upset about the time, since we will have one VERY hungry lil boy!  However, Saturday cannot come soon enough, so we can hopefully be able to move on from this.

Friday I have to take Rocco to have blood work done.  That is not going to be fun either.  Basically this whole process is just HORRIBLE and no baby should have to be put through this.

As hard as I'm trying to be strong... I'm scared.  How hard we worked to have these babies, how hard we prayed for these babies, there is no way God will take him from me, right?  These thought start creeping in my head... I know I need to be positive.  I need to stop thinking the worst thoughts! But they start coming.

My father in law came with me to todays appointment and then took us out to lunch which was nice.  By the time we got home, I really just needed to be alone.  I put the boys down for their nap and then went to my bedroom and shut the door... and cried.

Now I'm downstairs blogging.  Getting my feelings out.  Praying.  I have done more praying than I have in a long time.  Trying to have faith that God will protect our son...



So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matt 10:31 NIV

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 NLT

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Psalm 56:3 NIV

They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. Psalm 112:7 NLT



Dear Lord God,  you are my everything.  I put all of my faith and trust in you!  You have blessed me with so much, saved my life so many times.  I now lift up my son Rocco to you Lord.  He is your child first and my child second.  Thank you for in trusting me with caring for him.  Lord, I know you have great plans for his life, I pray that he is protected by you so that he may fulfill his purpose Lord.  I pray for his health and his safety.  I pray that his doctor will give him the best care possible and get out what needs to be taken out.  Lord, please comfort Rocco for he doesn't understand what is happening.  Give him strength and for him to feel your peace while going through the procedures that need to be done.  Please Lord also be with C and I.  Give us the peace and comforting that we need to also get through this and to know you are with us and our son.  If it is your will, Lord, keep our son healthy and we pray that there is no cancer found in his perfect body that you created.   We praise you for blessing us with this special, loving, sweet, sensitive, strong, curious, and intelligent boy that has changed our lives forever.  He is such a gift!  Thank you, Amen.

Prayers For Rocco...

About two weeks ago Rocco and I were playing.  He was laying on my lap with his head at my knees.  He was giggling a lot and I saw something I had never seen before.  On the roof of his mouth there was something new... a ridge protruding out almost in the shape of a line.  As a mother, I STUDY my babies. I know EVERY part of them.  This is certainly something I have never seen before.  When he was a newborn C and I distinctly remember looking inside both of Maximus's and Rocco's mouth prior to checking Maximus out of the NICU because of the odd colors inside.  They looked exactly the same.  The nurse even looked and they were PERFECT.  My guess is it formed in the last few months because at all of the previous doctor visits Dr. F would check their mouths.

The following day I took him to the doctor (a new one because mine moved).  She looked at it and said it was probably just cartilage because when the roof of the mouth form, two sides come together and it probably just a little extra bone (Hmmmm.... sounds familiar like my UTERINE SEPTUM!).  A few days later the boys had their nine month check-up.  I decided to visit another doctor in the practice for a second opinion.  Dr. B (whom I now LOVE!) said she had never seen anything like it before and to play it safe we should see a specialist.

Monday we went and saw Dr. C.  He agreed that it is probably nothing, but in his 30+ years he seen two horrific cases (which I don't even like to repeat!).  There was brain coming down and protruding on the roof of the mouth.  THIS IS NOT EVEN POSSIBLE (I pray!)  Rocco is PERFECTLY healthy and happy.  He is so intelligent and is either right on track developmentally or even AHEAD!  Regardless, Dr. C wants him to have an MRI to be safe.  I'm devastated.

My poor lil baby has to be put under with anesthesia in order to do the MRI.  He is only nine months old and too lil for this!  I'm so sad, but need to be strong for him.  I just know he must be okay.  We have been saying many prayers, but can use more.  If any of you are prayers, please lift my lil guy up in prayer!

It should be scheduled pretty soon here.  I will keep you all posted...

The Plan...

is all set!  I went in to see Dr. R yesterday with C.  We dropped off the manly goods, then got the blood work done and out of the way.  C went first this time which I think was much better.   I had to run to the restroom really fast and when I got back, his face and lips were WHITE, and she hadn't even begun!  Thanks to the wonderful advice we received, I held his hand and began asking him about his work and what he needed to do today.  Distraction worked GREAT!  He even commented how good it was to be distracted and before he knew it it was over.  After I did my blood work, I went in to have the ultrasound done and waited.  Finally the nurse came in and let me know the news... I have to wait a month!  I guess the lab is down the last week of November and first week of December for cleaning.  I would have had to have my retrieval/transfer during that time.  I guess being on BCP's too long is not good for an IVF cycle either.  The way I look at it is I get the fresh and clean lab for our cycle... we'll be one of the first!

She took me in another room and took out a calendar and wrote down my new guesstimated IVF schedule...
                              -October 27- Start BCP's
                              -November 16th- last pill
                              -Novemeber 21- Start new pack of BCP's
                              -December 1- Start Lupron injections
                              -December 5-last BCP
                              -December 11- Start stims
                              -December 20-22 - Estimated Retrieval
                              -December 25-28- Estimated Transfer (yes Christmas Day included!)

Its really only two weeks later then we anticipated before.  I'm sure its going to fly by!

Once I got home, I was thinking about being on BCP's an extra month for nothing.  So, I thought, why not do clomid?  I even called to ask if it was okay.  As soon as I got off the phone I got a sick feeling, like that is the wrong decision.  I almost blogged about should I or shouldn't I do clomid this cycle?  But, I listened to my gut.  I am not doing it because I feel like it would be a waste.  I hated how 50 mg of clomid made me feel and doing a 100mg I'm sure would make me feel worse.  I didn't get all emotional and crazy on it, but I could feel my ovaries and I felt like they were going to explode sometimes.  I never felt that way with follistim.  Weird.  Anyways, also I just feel like C and I are on the right path again.  The decision of IVF just FEELS right. 

I started BCP's yesterday and I am excited, actually, to not have to think about again for a bit.  We get another little break... even though we have a lot of these lately!

I just came home from bible study and this weeks discussion was about being humble and how we are called to do so.  The major thing that resonated with me on this was that trying to do this IF on my own.  I have not been humble towards God in the past because I was trying to figure it all out on my own.  Basically, it was like I didn't NEED Him.  That is a major thing God has been working on me this past year.  Humbling myself to ask Him for strength, guidance, healing, His will, etc.  When we were going through IF treatments last year I relied too much on my doctor, too much on the Internet for answers, when I SHOULD have relied on God.  I left him out of the equation which only left me alone and depressed. 

This time... I have put God first in everything, this is the first time I really feel like we waited and God answered.  We didn't just JUMP into IVF we were led there (not saying its going to work the first time or ever).  I'm not sure what God is going to do here, there are a lot of possibilities and I know it may not work.  Part of going through this process may be for God to show us another avenue He wants us to take, or it may be to give us the child of our dreams.  The ONE thing I do know for sure is that I NEVER want to leave God out of the equation of my life again!

I think we hit the JACKPOT...

in insurance!!  I am so excited!  Because we had a change in status (me quitting my job), and C and I were both insured through the school district, we were able to go to his company insurance before Open Enrollment.  I did a lot of research prior to choosing, but did not know exactly what would be covered for IF entirely.  We chose United Health's POS plan (HIGHLY recommend!).  I hadn't heard of a POS plan prior to his company offering it.  I thought there was HMO and PPO and that's it.  Well, We chose the POS plan which is only little more per month than the PPO.  We get to choose our doctors (NO MORE REFERRALS... THANK YOU GOD!), choose our hospitals, and 90% of everything is covered with the exception of IF treatments.  For IF, EVERYTHING IS COVERED... INCLUDING IVF!!!  I got a call from Dr. R's office stating our benefits and I could not believe it!!!

I truly feel that God has been leading us to this point.  It is amazing!  Last year I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life... to quit my career as a high school teacher (after months of prayer and seeking Gods provisions for C and I).  That alone has been a blessing to us.  Secondly, I felt an urgency (led from the Holy Spirit) to get our medical records from Dr. D and found C's semen analysis which was far from stellar and made us reconsider who our RE should be. Thirdly, I found Dr. R, but because our current HMO insurance didn't include him, we decided to go with the POS.  I was originally going to just switch medical groups but then that would have been a hassle because I didn't like the hospitals they were associated with.  My dream is to have our bambini (babies in Italiano) at Hoag Hospital which overlooks Newport Beach Harbor.  I want a room with the Ocean view (jk... not really! LOL!)!  Plus the hospital is amazing and has a great track record with phenomenal doctors.  I would feel very safe delivering there :) Fourthly, in the last two weeks we have had three people to tell us to do IVF.  A couple of our friends who have two girls, a woman at church who I had shared briefly my story, and then the other night one of my girlfriends who's sister has pcos and went through everything (almost) that we have and finally got her daughter via IVF.  I told her Dr. R wanted to do a couple of clomid cycles before doing IVF and she said "my sister would tell you to just do the IVF, its too emotional going through clomid if it hasn't been working already."  And Fifthly,  I haven't drank any Alcohol in over 10 weeks.  This was totally Gods leading.  I have been prepping for this moment and I didn't even realize it.

So, C and I were talking last night and we made a decision... we are doing IVF next cycle!!!  But shhhh... its a secret!  We aren't telling anyone... not even my mom!  It is going to be very difficult, but we feel that with all that we have been through, we want to do this together and then share the good news when it comes.  We don't want to get anyone's hopes up anymore.  It has been 28 months since we began this journey together, with so many ups and downs.  We have shared the process with so many friends and relatives that we are ready for it to be just us two.    Sharing didn't get us anywhere.  It has been a long hard road which I never thought would end with IVF, but here we are.  We are ready.

I am still waiting for my period.  I am CD 45 and 6 days post Provera.  I am now glad that it has taken a while to my period (everything happens for a reason in Gods planning).  When we got home last night, I emailed Dr. R...

Hi Dr. R!

We are STILL waiting for my period over here.  I'm cycle day 44 and 5 days post provera.  Anyways, C and I were talking.  We are now thinking we just want to do the IVF.  Its been 28 months since we started ttc and we are tired of waiting... Plus we have full coverage on our new insurance (united health POS plan!).  Can we do that this up coming cycle or is it pushing it?

I still want to have a look at the inside of my uterus (sonohysterogram?) to make sure all is okay and have C's second semen analysis, which I'm going to schedule this week. 

Not sure when my period is going to start, but I would love to do IVF!  We are ready!

Thanks, S

I didn't think I would get a response til Monday, but I woke up to this from him...

"S

Your cycle should start within the next few days. If it doesn't, please let know. Beforehand, we need the semen analysis and we will so the sonohysterogram while you're on birth control pills (BCPs), which is the first med you'll take. Call us when you cycle starts. We'll see you on or before day 3 of your cycle. If everything isn't perfect, we won't do IVF.

Dr. R"

C and I are SUPER excited and trust him completely.  I know this is the right decision I can feel it in my heart!  

Advantages of Trusting God...

is day 15 in the daily devotional that I'm currently reading called, Attitudes of Success.  This one really struck accord with me so I thought I would write about it...

"Trouble is a common occurence for us earthlings (Job 5:7).  Its easy to let our mind and emotions run wild."  This made me think of IF... its trouble!  It causes us to stress, worry, have doubt, live in fear, etc.  The problem with these feelings is that they are not from God, they cause us to go outside the boundries God has for us.  We may run to "quick fix" solutions that are "our way" and not "Gods way." 

Looking back at the begining of my journey, or IF treatments.  I put so much pressure on myself to fix the problem.  I was googling like crazy, seeing what worked for others and then trying them myself to see if I could "cure" my infertility.  Its not that simple.

All of this left me feeling empty, alone, exhausted, and depressed.  This was definately NOT what God wanted for me.  Now, I realize that yes, I'm going through IF, but I'm not alone.  I now realized that going through this WITH God, and trusting in His provisions for my life, is building my faith and character, which will in turn, make me a better wife, mother, and follower of Jesus Christ. 

Trusting in the Lord and having confidence in what His plans are, teaches us run to Him and rely on his teachings when lifes pressures feel unbearable.

"Trust in the Lord, and do good.

Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you your hearts desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.

Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,

and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act.

Dont worry about evil people who prosper

or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!

Turn from your rage!

Do not lose your temper-

in only leads to harm.

For the wicked will be destroyed,

but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land."

Psalm 37:3-9

Therefore, focusing on God and not on the IF and trusting in Him will, in a sense, cause things to fall into place in His will.  These verse point out what we are supposed to do in times of "trouble:" commit everything to the Lord, Trust, Be patient and spend quality time with the Lord, don't worry, and don't be angry.

I just got off of the phone with a very good friend of mine who is my age, 29.  She is a step-mom to 17 year old girl.  My friend just found out her step daughter was 6 months pregnant.  This is a time when I could be angry and ask God, "why her and not me?"  But, I don't.  She was not following Gods provisions for her life and is now going to struggle.  I feel really bad for my friend who wants a baby too, but is now going to be a 29 year old GRANDMA!

C and I were walking the other night and talking about how if the IF treatments worked the year before that we could have been parents now.  I'm, in some ways, we were both thankful they didn't.  Why?  Because I didn't know then that my husband was going to be working 60-70 hours/ week right now.  I would have been upset and thinking he needed to come and spend time with the baby.  This was something we did not foresee.  God's plans are best.  Even if I want a baby now, I know Gods time and plans are always better than mine.

I put my faith and trust in the Lord! 

UGH

Dr. D finally called at 230! As soon as I knew it was my RE I knew it was a BFN. Of course I asked why? He said it could be a number of things because there is no reason it shouldn't have worked, being that I'm 28, released 5-6 eggs, DH sperm is an A+, etc. So he said that it could be that the shell of the egg is too firm, or the sperm don't have this enzyme to break the shell of the egg, etc. He also wants me to have an Hysteroscopy again to check on my uterus to make sure it didn't seal shut since I had that septum removal surgery in April. He did one in May, but we didn't start TTC again until Aug. So, if all that is clear he wants to have an IVF consultation.

I'm supposed to call when I start my period, probably tomorrow since I quit the progesterone yesterday (Great choice!). But, my husband and I don't want IVF. There are too many cases where it doesn't work. Plus, we are not sure about the ethics of creating a ton of embryo's and dumping the rest. I know there is still much to learn. I'm not throwing in the towel on that yet. However, I am already a nervous wreck and emotionally drained from the injectables. I would be completely and utterly devastated if it didn't work. I am already completely and utterly devastated injectables didn't work. We are taking a break... Except I'm going to try accupuncture and herbs to try to help regulate my period... at least see if it helps!

I made an appt. for next Tuesday at a wellness center. I spoke with the accupuncturist about what she could do for PCOS and irregular menses. She said that she prescribes chinese herbs which can help regulate menses, will teach me to eat the proper foods for fertility, and of course, acupuncture for everything else. I will learn more on Tuesday.

I'm not sure if I want to give up temping, and I'm still considering getting OPK's. I'm wondering if I will ovulate sooner since being on all these meds! That would be awesome! My last unmedicated cycle was 53 days! I think I have a lazy left ovary! My right ovulated every time on the medicated cycle and not my left. Also I tend to ovulate every other month, so that would make sense.

What I'm realizing, and what I said this entire time is that, yes, medicine works, but ultimately its God who has the power to make pregnancy happen! It is in His timing... not mine!


Dear God,

Please give me the patience to wait on what you have in store for Chris and I. I feel like I have been carrying the burden of infertility and have not been waiting on you. I have been trying to do this without you. Please forgive me. I know that you have my best interest in mind. I know that your timing is perfect. Please remind me daily of this. Lord, Chris and I want a child so much, and if it is your will, please grant us the desire of our hearts. Thank you. Amen.

Why do we suffer?

Church was very good today. I really needed it. It reminded me to rely more on God and less on Google. Google does not have my best interest at heart, God does. Google will not answer my problems, God will. Google will not comfort me through the storms of my life (infertility), God can. So why do we suffer?

To develop faith
To reveal our true character (Job 23:10)
To expose hidden or hurtful sin (Psalm 139:23-24)
To learn obedience (Hebrews 5:8)
To keep down pride
To Glorify GOD

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

Through this message, I received great comfort, to know that God ALWAYS has my best interest in mind.

Another quote that I love is this:

"Instead of telling God how big your mountain is, try telling your mountain how big your God is."

"in ALL things God works for the good"

I was reading my Bible last night and I read that verse. It was a reminder (I need a lot of those) that no matter what we go through in this life that He is there and has our best interest in mind. It got me thinking about my situation. God has been using this time to prepare my husband and I for whatever he has in store for us. Of course I am praying that it includes a baby of our own, but it may not.

When I began this blog not too long ago I wrote a post titled "I'm not that girl," but it seems like the more I write and the more I am going through this process, I am becoming the girl that truly wants to become mother. No, not that it is the end all if I don't or I can't be happy for ANOTHER pregnant friend, but that the Lord is preparing me fully to be a mother. Maybe I need this extra time to contemplate motherhood? All I know is that one day I will be able to look back and have that "aha!" moment and see what God was up to and the reasons I am going through what I am. And then, I can be thankful.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I'm not that girl...

I'm not! I'm not one who is completely obsessed with having kids. I can go to a baby shower and be fine. I can listen to friend after friend tell me that she is pregnant, and be HAPPY for her. Do I want a baby? Yes! But it is not the complete and utter focus of my life. No, there is MUCH more to life than just being a mama. Will I be thrilled if I do become pregnant? ABSOLUTELY! I do want a baby belly. I think it is one of the most beautiful things. I think women are so lucky that we (or most of us) can carry a child... and yes... give birth!

However, for obvious reasons, my DH and I have discussed not having kids. The what if... and actually at this point, we would be okay... sad, but okay.

What would we do if we were not able to conceive? No, not adopt. That is not only for the infertile. It is not our obligation. We talked about doing the following:

-Save money and retire early
-Spend more time with our nieces and nephews
-Travel more
-Retire in an exotic location
-Be able to do what we want and when we want
-Create and keep up hobbies
-Get more involved in ministry/church
-Go on mission trips around the world (have already been to Thailand, Cambodia, and Mexico)

Maybe that isn't the ideal. We both LOVE family. But, we have to have a back up plan. Right? All I know is that God only gives us what we can handle. I have to remind myself of that often. I am praying for Gods will in our lives. I am praying not just for a baby, but I am praying that the Lord will bless us with a baby if it is in His will for our lives.