Moving Forward...

Where has the time gone!?  I hope you all had a very blessed holiday season!  Ours was busy, but memorable.  I was totally (okay not totally) checked out of IF, and was able to just be present with my family.  CHRISTmas with four year olds is a magical time and it is amazing to see it all through their eyes.

After CHRISTmas, we left the country and went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  After a year of IF treatments, my hubby and I SO needed this break!  It was amazing, reconnecting.  We brought the boys, of course and they are just getting more and more fun to travel and explore the world with!

While we were there on a boat, C looked over at me, while we were both holding a sleeping child in our arms, and said, "Alright, I'm ready for another baby." HA! It took having our two sweet boys who are just growing into such intelligent, loving and kind boys to make him REALLY desire another.  I mean this is such a roller coaster of emotion... this past year has been.  

Last month, I did blood work searching for something else that could potentially cause miscarriage, with Dr. Anderson. It came back showing that I had a positive SSA or Sjogrens syndrome, and also had low protein S, which is a blood clotting disorder.  My first reaction was, how the heck did I ever get pregnant and give birth to TWO beautiful little boys!?  And second, OMGosh my boys are SUCH miracles!  I really had to process all of this new info.  

I sent over my blood work to Dr. Amin to get her thoughts.  She wanted me to see a Rheumetologist prior to starting any more treatments, so I did.  The good news is that I have NO symptoms of sjogrens and the RA isn't worried at all.  The bad news is that for some reason, sjogrens can cause a heart block in growing fetus's in the womb!  However, she isn't really concerned because I have already had two babies just fine and I am asymptomatic.  She said, "If we tested everyone in the world for sometime, everyone would have something show up, even if they don't have symptoms."  However, knowing all of this, if I ever do get pregnant, I will need to see a perinatologist throughout my pregnancy, which I am totally okay with since I had to with my twins too!  I loved getting to see them grow so often!

Dr. Amin just retested the protein S to be sure it wasn't low from the miscarriage and it also came back normal! Praise God!

Last month I spent a lot of time in prayer, and processing all the info.  I just wanted a clear cut answer on what doctor to use... Dr. Anderson who has an 85% success rate, but will only transfer one embryo or Dr. Amin, who has a 75% success rate but will transfer two...  And if we should thaw 10 eggs or all 27 eggs!

Well one morning during my quiet time (when I read my bible and pray in a quiet place to hear Him speak), it all became very clear to me.  I was sure as ever and I still feel very confident in this decision.  I am sticking with Dr. Amin and we are thawing and fertilizing ALL 27 eggs.  I am very happy with this decision.  I am putting this all in Gods hands as I always do.  

It hit me that morning, that out of 29 eggs our first IVF, all we had were Rocco and Maximus, and NOTHING LEFT TO FREEZE.  We had two perfect embryos and that was all!  Now mind you, those were rescue icsi'd, but now my eggs are frozen!  We are putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak, and praying for a miracle... at least one healthy take home baby!

And when is this happening???  MONDAY!!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  We have to be there at 830 so they can ICSI the eggs with C's Sperm!  It is so exciting because I am not having to do an egg retrieval, we just show up to give his "goods!"

We will also be PGS testing the day five embryos and freezing.  I'm currently CD 8.  So transfer will be next cycle.

Please please PRAY that we get some good looking embryo's this week!  That all the eggs thaw perfectly! That we get at least one normal one... and for God's will most of all!  We are praying for one HEALTHY BABY! 

Thanks everyone! 

Trusting God Through Miscarriage

I have to share this amazingly written post. Just when I thought my faith was unshakeable, Satan found a way to shake it... But he is not going to win! I could feel the walls going up just like the writer in the post below says, but I need my savior to get me through this time. I hope this piece touches you like it did for me. 

Trusting God through Miscarriage by Krissi Trowbridge

“The enemy is after your joy. He wants to steal it forever, and ever.”

Those words shook me to my core while on the phone with a friend. You know in movies where one line is spoken and the mood heightens or changes entirely? This was that… But in real life, in my real heart. Those words pierced like arrows, challenging me to zoom out of the sea of pain I was drowning in, and see a much bigger picture. The big picture was the threat to the quality, the joy I would or would not experience in my life, for the rest of my life, and I wasn’t backing down.

Moments before my friend spoke those words to me in prayer, I had been in the doctor’s office. My husband and I went in together for a routine pregnancy check up. There was nothing unusual going on, which we were fine with after experiencing an early term miscarriage in December. We expected to be in and out after an ultrasound and blood work. We had seen our new baby at two previous appointments, and were eager to get a glimpse of that precious life we were picking out names and planning for. As I lay on the exam table the doctor put the sonogram wand over my stomach. I love hearing baby’s heart beat. It’s the most beautiful music to a mama’s ears. I waited, and heard nothing. I looked at the screen and saw our baby, still, and lifeless.

It seemed like hours staring at that screen, knowing in my heart the truth, but trying to convince myself I was wrong or I was dreaming. Finally our doctor broke the deafening silence, and with tears in his eyes said “I… I can’t hear a heartbeat.” I went numb. Was this really happening? Emotions threatening to engulf me, I was half listening to the doctor tell us to go home today and we would talk about the different options on how to get the baby out… It was all too much. All I could do was lay there.

I felt God’s peace, but I also felt the walls going up around my heart. When you receive such a blow to your joy, your promise, your faith… It shakes you. Being shaken is part of life, but remaining anchored in the midst of the storm is a choice. That choice was a very real one at that moment.

When I heard those words, “the enemy is after your joy” it was like an awakening alarm went off inside of me. Not that I had to be joyful in that moment, but that I could believe the Lord’s joy would strengthen me until I could be. There was a voice in my heart that was shouting of God’s goodness, His faithfulness, even through this. I didn’t know what it was going to look like, but I had decided I would not let the enemy steal my joy for the rest of my life. That I would walk out this pain and healing process with the Lord by my side, carrying me through. In my heart came John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, but my focus was beyond it. My focus was on my Father. The One who knows me and loves me. The One who had prepared me in ways and had others already praying for me. The One who doesn’t kill babies, or anyone for that matter. I felt a resolve in my heart. I felt anchored. Anchored to Jesus. Anchored to His joy. Anchored to peace that really was surpassing my understanding. Anchored to Him. My emotions were thrashing about like an incredible storm, threatening the strength of my anchor, but I just kept breathing. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t have to. I would walk this out, not to impress God with my own strength, but while leaning on Him in my weakness, fully dependent on Him, letting His strength and joy meet all of my pain. Getting up that day was so hard, as were the days and weeks after that appointment.

I had always read “the joy of the Lord is your strength” in Nehemiah 8 as if I had to force myself to be joyful, so I would be strong. This journey of back to back miscarriages has taught me it is not my joythat brings strength, but HIS. I can not tell you how many times I have listened to ‘Forever’ by Kari Jobe. I always laugh and cry with unexplainable joy at the line:

“Oh death, where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!”

It has been a few months now, and I have found myself in different phases of heartache and healing. I kept feeling like I should be ok. People expected me to be ok. There are triggers that cause tears. It took me weeks to go through my closet and take out the maternity clothes. Baby showers are very different for me now. The thing is, I know that at my core I really am ok, but the Lord is still healing me. In prayer one day I asked the Lord why I wasn’t ‘there’ yet… Fully healed. He showed me a picture of me in a deep pit, head in my hands while I cried. He said, “Daughter, you keep thinking I am reaching down from the top of the pit, desperate to help you get out and move on. I’m not there. I am in the pit with you, holding you and weeping with you. Don’t focus on getting there, just focus on Me. Soon we will be out of the pit… not because of your strength, but because you allow Me in your pain, in your pit. I am not in a hurry to get you to the other side, I am interested in the full healing of your heart.” He has been beside me every second of this process. His joy has truly given me strength.

This season has been painfully healing, horribly beautiful, and one I will always remember. Yes, because of the loss, but also for the love, the faithfulness, nearness and depth I have discovered in God. We can’t know we are established in our faith, until that faith is tested. What good is a beautiful mansion, if the foundation has a hole in it? The Lord uses our pain as opportunities to draw us to Him, and rebuild us stronger than before. Just because I am hurting, doesn’t mean God isn’t good. His character does not change when I go through pain.

I will continue to embrace the pain until joy and strength burst from it. I won’t be afraid to feel it ALL, with Jesus, so He can heal me the whole way of this journey, because I trust Him. I won’t settle for anything less than redemption, and neither should you. If you too, have a baby waiting for you in heaven, know that as you read this, I have already prayed for you and your family. You are still a mother, and your baby is worth honoring and acknowledging, no matter how short their life. I see you and with all of my heart want to hug you and hear your story.

There really is nothing He can not bring you through, Mama, If you chose to trust Him, even when it doesn’t line up with what makes sense to you. I promise He won’t leave you broken. He didn’t cause your pain, but He wants to love and heal you through to a more anchored, joyful, beautiful you. Nothing is too difficult for Him.
There may be pain in the night, but joy really does come in the morning! I am praying your joy may be filled to overflowing, even in the midst of the storm. Stay anchored, Sister. He has you!

What the F?

 I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks.  I was a walking zombie, numb, confused, hurt, and angry!  I was angry at myself and at God!  How could he let us go through this?  How could he allow us to fail...again?!  We prayed so earnestly, so passionately!  We are good people!  Why did this happen to us?

I got a call from Beta #2 on Monday, my 126 beta dropped to 88 and I was told to stop all medication. "I'm so sorry Sara," Patty said.  I was numb, sitting there with my kids, Mom, Sister-in-law,  niece and nephew, who I just got done telling them "how amazing God was who blessed us with another pregnancy."  I drank three glasses of wine that night and went to bed at 7pm.

Tuesday, I woke up crying.  All I could do is cry, thinking about my baby(ies)  dying in my womb.  F-this. What the F God?  Where are you God?  Why are you not talking to me God?  I thought you led me God?  Where was my Shepard?  I was F-ing pissed.

I had friends texting me (who weren't supposed to know, but some found out bc we canceled bible study).  C told some close friends at the office and their wives texted me.  I still have yet to respond to anyone.  I couldn't think about it, I didn't want to hear it.  I just wanted to be alone...and hug my son's so much more!

I didn't want hugs from anyone else, no sad looks, no I'm sorry's, not even my C.  I was numb.

My mom came over, she has been with me when I have been like this before.  Numb from a break-up years ago.  I remember this feeling.  It took me a long time to recover, but I did.  I started remembering how God got me out of the darkness, and believed he could do it again.

C, has never seen me like this.  I fall asleep early then wake up to pee and can't fall back asleep for hours.  I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, I went to my moms, and I actually cracked a smile or two.

Thursday, I went to my Italian class.  Prayed a lot and could actually start searching for scriptures for comfort.  I am still in pain, but doing much better.

Friday, the dark cloud is lifting (as my C would say!).

I am still waiting to start my period/miscarry.

Praying.

**Updated**  Just started my period/Miscarriage,  four days after stopping meds.

Having Faith Through Pain... Six Week Miscarriage

I'm doing better than I thought I would, considering.

Friday was rough.  I cried on and off through out the day, but I had to still be a mom which kept me busy, thankfully!  The hardest part was having to tell our friends and family who were so excited for us that we lost this baby.  I know so many people wait to announce their pregnancy's, but you know what, I am so thankful we had such a support of people praying for us, and giving us time to grieve. 

I posted this on my Instagram and my FB page on Saturday morning and I thought I would share it on here.  This was from my daily quiet time I spend with Jesus...

Psalm 23 is always what I turn to when I need reassurance, peace, comfort, strength. I am so thankful for the Lord and what He has done in my life. As a Christian, we are not promised a life without pain, or hurt, but we are promised a savior to comfort us, and guide us through the dark valley's, which we all go through. Sometimes things don't make sense, but I know the Lord is ALWAYS faithful, and ALWAYS good, no matter the circumstances. He never fails, but His plans are right, just, and fair, even when we can't see it. He is ALWAYS with us. I will rest in His green meadows, where I will find peace. Thank you Jesus for being my light in the world of darkness. Amen.

After reading and praying, I felt ready to move on.  Chris and I took the boys on a family run, we ran errands, rested, made dinner and enjoyed a bottle of wine.  It was nice to spend some quality time together as a family.  

Sunday, I was feeling good as well, but when we got to church, I ran into a lady who knew, she hugged me and tears began, again.  Church was so moving.  Worship was awesome, I could praise Jesus and thank Him for what he has given us.  I look forward to meeting that little babe who is now in a better place.  God is good.

(TMI) Right after church I went to the bathroom and there it was, my period. ugh!  Heavy and horrible.  I read that you aren't supposed to use tampons after a miscarriage because your cervix dilates, so I've been wearing pads... Not fun.  It just felt like a regular heavy period, that was until last night.  I woke up clenching the pillow having what felt like contractions about 1 min apart.  I was in the worst pain!  I  had to stand up and was leaning over my bed clenching like I was in labor!  I went to the bathroom and I heard a big plop, looking in the toilette and saw a pretty big clot, of which I am assuming were the remains.  It was terrible.  However, after that, the pains subsided and I went back to sleep.  My period has been very light today, just spotting red.

I am sad about everything but I am now ready to move on and try again!  One more period to go and we'll be back on the saddle!  

In the mean time... working out, eating clean (with the occasional glass of wine!), and my PCOS supplements!

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