What the F?

 I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks.  I was a walking zombie, numb, confused, hurt, and angry!  I was angry at myself and at God!  How could he let us go through this?  How could he allow us to fail...again?!  We prayed so earnestly, so passionately!  We are good people!  Why did this happen to us?

I got a call from Beta #2 on Monday, my 126 beta dropped to 88 and I was told to stop all medication. "I'm so sorry Sara," Patty said.  I was numb, sitting there with my kids, Mom, Sister-in-law,  niece and nephew, who I just got done telling them "how amazing God was who blessed us with another pregnancy."  I drank three glasses of wine that night and went to bed at 7pm.

Tuesday, I woke up crying.  All I could do is cry, thinking about my baby(ies)  dying in my womb.  F-this. What the F God?  Where are you God?  Why are you not talking to me God?  I thought you led me God?  Where was my Shepard?  I was F-ing pissed.

I had friends texting me (who weren't supposed to know, but some found out bc we canceled bible study).  C told some close friends at the office and their wives texted me.  I still have yet to respond to anyone.  I couldn't think about it, I didn't want to hear it.  I just wanted to be alone...and hug my son's so much more!

I didn't want hugs from anyone else, no sad looks, no I'm sorry's, not even my C.  I was numb.

My mom came over, she has been with me when I have been like this before.  Numb from a break-up years ago.  I remember this feeling.  It took me a long time to recover, but I did.  I started remembering how God got me out of the darkness, and believed he could do it again.

C, has never seen me like this.  I fall asleep early then wake up to pee and can't fall back asleep for hours.  I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, I went to my moms, and I actually cracked a smile or two.

Thursday, I went to my Italian class.  Prayed a lot and could actually start searching for scriptures for comfort.  I am still in pain, but doing much better.

Friday, the dark cloud is lifting (as my C would say!).

I am still waiting to start my period/miscarry.

Praying.

**Updated**  Just started my period/Miscarriage,  four days after stopping meds.

BLOOD IS DRAWN! FET #4 11dp5dt

My blood is drawn! Praying for a high number!!!! Stay tuned!!!! Hoping this will be a VERY Happy Halloween! Prayers Appreciated!

9dp5dt FET#4

Where do I even begin? I feel that so much has happened!

So, I left you off at 3dpt, where I was having some doubts or fears on whether of not Assisted Hatching, AH, was done.  After posting my last post, I finally received a call from the embryologist and YES, AH was done!  I was so relieved!  And yes, I clearly know God is bigger than AH and he can do all things, but I also believe he gives us resources and direction, and we must also make an effort to see the miracles in our life.  AH was definitely on my heart and I am so glad is was done.  I slept good that night.

4dpt5dt I had a grand idea so as not to be tempted to POAS, I peed on the one FRER I had upstairs, knowing it would be negative, and just to get it out of the house.  I didn't want to be tempted at 7dpt and see a negative, because then I would want to quit all my meds again.

Well, around 4pm, I POAS.  My bladder was NOT full and I really had to squeeze it out, so to speak. I set it there, knowing I wouldn't see a thing.  Negative... no wait?  I could see something, but I really believed my eyes were playing tricks on me.  So I hid it and said I would look the next day.  The next morning I was waiting [in]patiently for C to get out of bed and make us tea down stairs.  He would not get out of bed!  Finally he did.  I ran over to the test, and could see that something again!  But I still was not 100%.  I though maybe a evap line or something? This was WAY too early to see something right!?

I came clean to C and showed Mr. Skeptical the test.  He said he could see it!!!! WHAT!?!?!  I thought for sure he would say I was crazy!  He said for me to go get another test to see!

I had to pee so I went to the store grabbed a box of FRER's (I'm so weak I know!), went to get my nails done so I went into they bathroom and POAS.  I wrapped it in a paper towel and put it away in my purse.  I sat there waiting.  At 5dp5dt, I got a faint but very clear BFP!!!!!  I was shaking and praising Jesus!!  I felt like I could scream, but I couldn't because I was in the nail salon!  I had to keep peaking at the test to make sure it was real!  I came home and told C, he was cautiously happy of course!

The following day, I excitedly took another test around 11am expecting to see a much darker line.  BAD MOVE.  First it had not even been 24 hours since the previous test and second, it was SO early still.  I gave it a few minutes and my heart sank.  The line looked SO light, like barely there light.  I was devastated.  All my hopes and dreams of growing our family flashed before my eyes, my heart sank.  I thought for sure this was a chemical.

I texted DH that we lost the baby, telling him it was a chemical pregnancy.  I know I should have waited til he got home, but I was devastated.

As the day went on, however, the test kept getting darker and darker, until it was darker than the day before!  I couldn't believe it!  This is why testing early can be very bad.  If my hcg level at 5dpt was 20 for example, it maybe would have been 30 by the next day, so it wouldn't have shown much change.  I texted DH, that I loved him and I vowed to do no more tests, which has held true!  He was relieved to find out the test was darker now too!

Since then, my pregnancy symptoms have been getting stronger and stronger to where I KNOW I am pregnant!YAY!!!  However, I still want to see that BETA number!  I feel like I can't totally rejoice, until after BETA... after what happened for FET #1 (a low Beta of 33).

How am I feeling now at 9dp5dt or should I say 4 weeks pregnant?  Very pregnant!  My stomach is SOOOOO bloated I cannot even button my pants.  I also have kind of a cramping/heavyness feeling and random pains on the sides, like ligament pains.  I have had waves of headaches since 3dpt.  They come and go every few minutes it seems, which is what I had with the boys.  My boobs just started getting sore a day or two ago and are fuller.  I have been super exhausted in the afternoon, but feel great in the morning.

I can't believe I have to wait TWO MORE DAYS until BETA!  It is torture!  This will be the first time, I am actually going to wait until designated BETA day, which will hopefully make it for a happy Halloween!

3dp5dt FET#4

The last couple days were a breeze... today, hormonal mess!  I feel ultra sensitive, ultra tired, bloated and I have an on again off again headache that I woke up with.  I know it is all related to all the wonderful hormones I am on, but it sure makes it extremely hard not to think... what if?

I know it is WAY too early for any REAL pregnancy symptoms, but feeling like this makes me have POAS on my mind! Do you think I can hold out?  I have one FRER upstairs.  I should just go use it, to get it out of the house!  WHY OH WHY is the 2WW so hard!?

You really forget how difficult it is, until those P4 symptoms kick into high gear!

I've been pretty crampy since 1dpt, but I will list yesterdays...

• 2dp6dt- cramps, twinges, EXHAUSTED by 3pm (I couldn't finish putting away the groceries I had to lay down!), not a huge appetite.

• 3dp5dt- woke up with a dull headache and its been coming and going today, cramps still, maybe my bb's are getting sore (?), emotional, really tired all day, not a big appetite.

One thing I forgot to mention prior to transfer...  So a week prior to transfer I had been reading about assisted hatching and noticed on all the sites that it mentioned that the steroid, Medrol is necessary to take so your body doesn't reject the embryos and have an inflammatory response. Well, once I realized that, I immediately called my RE's office to speak to a nurse.  Only Barbara was available and she is not my favorite.  She always seems to make me feel like I'm asking too many questions.  Anyway, she said that they no longer use Medrol because new studies have shown it doesn't help either way.

That was not good enough for me!

I emailed Dr. A. and she said that it was true that they didn't normally give Medrol anymore, but looking back at my twins cycle, I WAS ON MEDROL!!!! Can you believe that!?  She said it would be up to me if I wanted it again.  I replied, "absolutely since that was my one cycle that worked!"

I can't help but wonder if that was my missing link for the last three cycles!  So LAME!

This journey can be so frustrating!

I started the Medrol Sunday and finished yesterday.  I had to take 4 pills a day for 4 days.

This morning I also woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach too!  I realized that Assisted Hatching, AH, was not mentioned at transfer and it wasn't on my embryo report.  I have been on the phone with my RE, and no one has an answer for me!  Apparently they are short handed in the lab and the embryologies haven't gotten back!  I just want to confirm it was done... for peace of mind, I guess!

I told C about my fears that AH wasn't preformed.  His reply, "Gods bigger than assisted hatching!" Duh!  He is so confident this is going to work this time!  I love it!  I really need some verses to rebuke doubt right now!  I think I will google some...

Wow!  For those of you who need a kick in the pants on FAITH, read Hebrews 11.  So good!

FET #4 Transfer Day Update!

Thinking PINK!  Although we would be happy, ecstatic, blessed, grateful, with a healthy baby or two no matter the sex!  On our way!

Yesterday went off without a hitch.  Except for the fact that I woke up at 4 am to pee and then couldn't go back to sleep for the life of me because I was TOO EXCITED!  I couldn't believe the day was finally here!  I ended up getting out of bed at 4:30, made a cup of Tulsi Camomile tea and spent some time in The Word.

I'm in reading in 1 Samuel and I'm to the part where Saul went to meet Samuel so he could speak a prophetic word to him.  When he arrived, Samuel said to Saul, I've been waiting for you!  I have a word from the Lord.  He went on and said that he was going to be king and rule over the Isrealites.  Saul replied, who me?  But I am the least in all of my tribe!  He was anointed, filled with the Holy Spirit and went on to be a King!  It was the perfect reading for this transfer day.  I couldn't help but reflect on our last two embryo's.  They were the weakest in the bunch, but God LOVES to use the weak to make them strong!  It was so comforting and reassuring to read this and confirm that I can trust in him and his promises.

We ate a quick breakfast, took quick showers and I used coconut oil as lotion since it is all natural (my favorite anyway), nothing scented!  My friend L came to help with the boys yesterday.  This time we didn't tell ANYONE, besides her, that we were having our transfer.  C is a little superstitious, since we didn't tell anyone with the boys and it worked then.  When I walked out front I looked up and the sky was just gorgeous!  I was like it was a sign that today was going to be perfect...

C and I feeling hopeful before we left!

We arrived in Redondo Beach a little before 9am.  I met my acupuncturist, D,  in the lobby for the first time, she is very sweet and helpful.  C went to go get a cup of coffee at a coffee shop while I had my acupuncture done and I realized I left my water bottle in the car I was supposed to drink!  Acupuncture was okay.  It wasn't that relaxing before transfer because I was SO anxious!  I just wanted to know how my little embabies were doing.  One of my fears was that one would not make the thaw.  However, D brought an awesome meditation for me to listen to which helped a bit.  While I was laying there I was envisioning  God's hands holding our to blasts like usual.  I was also envisioning angels surrounding me blowing trumpets, it was a beautiful thing!  Then as I saw Gods hands, the were suddenly over my belly and I saw him open His hands and let them fall onto my stomach.  It was amazing!  It was like he was telling me they are going to be okay, these are the ones I am giving you!  I pray this is right!

After acupuncture I drank three large glasses of water quickly and took my valium.  They wheeled me into the transfer room, which is the same room I had my ER in too.  Dr. A checked to see if my bladder was full enough, and it wasn't so I had to drink another large glass of water.  I was a little relieved because my valium hadn't kicked in just yet.  A few minutes later Kristine our embryologist from R & M's rescue ICSI cycle came in and I totally teared up!  It was so good to see her!  I showed her a picture of my boys and she said she always shows other couples who end up needing rescue ICSI a picture I gave her of my twins, who need hope!  I thought that was beautiful!  They are such miracles!

Kristine said "BOTH embryo's thawed beautifully!" Praise Jesus!  C got to see them in the petri dish again prior to transfer, just like with the boys.  I think that is so cool!  I am SO thankful we transferred these two back to where it all began!

Our beautiful blasts... The top is a 4AB, and the bottom a 3AB.  He makes the weak STRONG!

Transfer was perfect too!  Dr. A is awesome, she really took her time and researched where Dr. R placed the twins in my Uterus, so she could put these two in the exact same spot!  I do have scar tissue from having my septum removed AND from C-section so I am praying these two find the perfect cozy location.

After transfer I was wheeled back into recovery, where I had my second session of Acupuncture and I listened to another meditation.  This time I was so relaxed I fell asleep!

Lucky socks!

After I woke up, I had to pee!  She wheeled me in a wheel chair to the bathroom, then wheeled me out to meet C who was getting the truck.  I had my legs up and was reclined for the drive home.  Once home, I heated up lunch in the toaster oven, and laid in bed... and fell asleep until 4pm! I tried to get my boys to go to the park while I rested, but they insisted on taking a nap too!  We all slept until 4!

1dp5dt- today I'm sticking to couch rest.  I'm lounging, still in my pjs, drinking water, and trying to pass the time.  I'm going to try real hard not to symptom spot OR POAS this cycle.  We'll see because I can usually tell if its going to be a neg.  Today I am a little crampy, just mild AF type.  I'm shocked my bb's are NOT sore at all.  Last July when I did PIO for the first time, my bb's were sore on transfer day!  Every time is a little different apparently.

Beta day is on October 31!  I'm going to be staying busy busy busy until then!

This was a long post so if you read it all... YOU ROCK!  Please con't to pray for my little embabies!  THANK YOU!!!! xoxo

Today Is The Day! FET #4

I woke up at 4AM to pee... and I've been up since then!  I cannot keep calm!  I tossed and turned and decided to get up, have a cup of tea, and spend time with the Lord.  I've prayed more and prayed harder for these two embryos, just like I did when we conceived the twins.  Gods got this!

Today is going to be a good day!

Its Frozen Embryo Transfer Day!

Please pray our last two embryos thaw perfectly and begin to expand!  Please pray the transfer goes perfectly and our embryos make it to their 'home.'  Please pray they burrow deep and that God breaths life into them!

Thank you so much!

Less than One Week To Go! FET #4

I can't believe we are finally on the countdown to transfer! It is here and it's getting real folks! We are both excited, ready, anxious... I don't want to say scared, scared isn't the right word, I'm at peace that this is our last and final, but I'm nervous about what is to be. What is the answer going to be?

It has been interesting over here. A lot has been happening which has me to believe God has and is truly at work in our lives right now. A ton of prayers have been getting answered, like a ton!  So much has been on my heart and it feels like God has been using this time get my "ducks in a row, " so to speak.  Its weird and I almost can't even explain it!  Here are some examples...

*After years of praying for him, my husband is getting baptized!  He has been totally growing spiritually this year, and I have to believe it is because of what we have been going through that he is ready to fully commit his life to God.

*I am getting re-baptized.  I was baptized when I was 12 in a Seventh Day Adventist church. I chose to be baptized, but I had no relationship with Jesus.  I did it because my friends were and I thought I should.  Soon after I stopped going to church, questioned if there was a God, and became a stoner/Hippy during High School.  I became a born again Christian at 22.  I really wanted to get rebaptized then, but was told I "didn't need" to because I already was baptized at 12.  Well, I really feel God put that on my heart then, and I should have listened.  I have questioned it since!  I am SO excited to be getting baptized again... and with my husband! God is so good!

*A few weeks ago I met this really nice old lady who just moved into a senior center.  She mentioned that her kids/grandkids won't come and visit her.  God laid it on my heart!  So when I was leaving I ran into her in the parking lot and asked if the boys and I could come visit her, she said yes.  It had been a few weeks and I kept trying to go, but one of us kept getting sick!  Its been hanging over my shoulder.  Monday, we did it!  I made some paleo pumpkin muffins and brought them to her with fall flowers.  It was very nice visit and it felt so good serving.  She wants us to come back and make Italian cookies!  Yes please!

*For the last few years my relationship with my brothers has been almost non existent, even though we used to be extremely close.  The only way we would ever take or hangout is if I called, etc.  I have been so hurt by it and had been telling my parents that I was over them!  I felt that they just didn't care about me.  Well, just last Sunday, we decided to head up to my parents on a whim.  My brother came in storming mad at me because we didn't call him and tell him we were at my parents (we live an hour away!).  I was shocked and didn't know how to respond at first.  Long story short, we cleared up the relationship, I am relieved to know my brother loves me.  I called my other brother that night too and made plans to hang out!  God is good!

*This is maybe not as serious, but I truly feel this is a miracle.  My sons have Micky Mouse dolls that we take each trip to Disneyland every time we go.  They got them their very first time there and are very attached.  Last week Maximus lost his at Disneyland.  We didn't know if it was on a ride, or if it fell off the stroller?  As soon as we realized it was gone, the boys and I prayed!  We prayed that the right person would find it.  We went to Lost and Found gave the description and hoped for the best.  I got a call Monday that they found Maximus' Mickey Mouse!  I was shocked and in awe at what an amazing God we have!

Here is a pic of us on the way that day...

The benefit of bringing Mickey every time is the boys don't feel the need for something new all the time!  The appreciate what they have.  They are mailing the other Mickey and it should be here any time.  They can't wait to be reunited ;-)

The list goes on and on!  I just feel like God is preparing me for something big!  I pray its two new miracles!

I did my first PIO shot today... transfer is in five more days!  I've quit caffeine, no more wine... We are SO ready!

Results of Endo Biopsy.

Negative.

This means that my uterus is ready to go, and had been ready to go these last three try's.  This means that there is nothing more we can do.  This means that we continue to put the lives of these embryos in our Fathers hands.  This means that we continue to pray that they will make a life, each of them.

Trust.

I trust in His plan and his will for my life and these embryos lives.  I have surrendered to His design.

Amen.

Change of Plans...

I had been feeling very unsettled, and frustrated, to say the least. This last month, while on "Reset," I emailed Dr. R.  Dr. R moved full time to the Beverly Hills office and no longer does appointments in the Orange County office, where I am.  I had been feeling like I was slipping through the cracks.  No one was taking charge of us, or being our advocate.  Here is my email, copied and pasted...

Hi Dr. R!

I called your office to make an appointment, but your first avail was Sept 17 and I should be starting a new cycle next week.  Sorry, I didn't call sooner!  We are actually in Hawaii right now and enjoying the 'break,' but are ready to try again.

So, this is where we are at.  We have two 'just okay' six day embryos left, which is why we want to transfer both AND this will also be our last time trying.  If these don't work, we want to close this chapter and just enjoy our family of four, which we are beyond blessed with and so thankful for!

However, since this is our last time trying, we want to make sure we do EVERYTHING right and ask all the right questions.  This can be our follow up! :)

1. Why do you think the last three transfers didn't take? Bad embryos? Bad batch?  Does my body not like frozen embryo's?  

2. Before my last transfer, I asked the nurse about doing assisted hatching.  She said that is usually done at the time the embryo's are made and before freezing.  Is this true?  Do we have this option? Do you think this will help?  If it is an option, why has no one suggested it?

3. I did a little reading, I googled specifically, "three failed FET's,"  and found that uterine scratching/biopsy gave a 20% increase in implantation. Do you do this?  Should we do this?

4. What else if anything can we do to make this cycle successful?

5. I also read that Immune problems can cause your IVF to be unsuccessful.  I know I've already been pregnant and given birth, but could I have something new?

6.  Can we have Christine be our embryologist at transfer time?  :)  Looking forward to going to back to Redondo.

7. Do the different offices of Rep Partners have different success rates?

Okay I think that is all!  I wish I had you for all of my other transfers, but I'm hoping to make this last one a taker!  Praying for our take home baby! :)

Thank you Dr. R!

Chris and Sara

 

It took him FIVE days to respond.  I felt like I was bothering him.  Apparently they over book at the BH's office, and they even had Kim Kardashian as a patient, so that makes them more in high demand.

 

Anyway, my nurse had to call him before I could get a response!  His reply's were short and didn't really give me much of anything for comfort.  No other plan.

 

Here is his response...

 

Sara and Chris

 

I hope that you enjoyed (or are still enjoying) your vacation.

 

I understand your wanting to  transfer 2 embryos.  You just need to acknowledge the risk and understand the risk of twins.
1)      I do not know what you haven’t conceived.  Everything looks great.  It could be simply that we have found the normal embryo(s) for this cycle yet.
2)      We routinely hatch embryos when we do day 3 transfers and in day 5 when the zonas (the “shell”) is thickened.  We can do it if you want on the embryos prior to transfer.  We just have to get the lab a note
3)      Uterine scratching does not work.  We thought it did but more information has been generated and most MDs feel that it is not helpful.
4)      ???
5)      Nothing immunologic that we know of will be helpful in your case.
6)      If you want Kris to help, we can asked her.
7)      The clients are different so the successes are a little different but these differences are NOT real.

 

Dr. R

 

This gave me no hope. Except, maybe we just haven't found our one good embryo?  I wasn't settled.  I messaged another Dr in the practice anonymously on a forum they have. He replied that it was true that the scratch has now been found to not really add to anything, but suggested a biopsy of my lining, that will also include the scratch so when "next year they find it to work again, you will have done it!"

 

BAM!  I like how this doctor thinks! 

 

However, I no longer felt comfortable to email of ask Dr. R.  I called my nurse, she called Dr. R, and asked him to call me, I received a text from him that said, "yes, that is probably as good idea."

 

Seriously!? Probably!? Probably is not good enough for me!  I need to hear a definitive yes or no!  The next morning I called again in tears.  I spoke to Patty, she is so sweet, and totally understood my frustration.  I spoke with Dr. A, whom I also totally trust.  She told me that she was surprised I came up with the Endometrium biopsy on my own and that she wanted to suggest it to me after our last appointment, but I wasn't her patient!  I told her that Dr. R had stopped being my advocate after he moved and I was slipping through the cracks.  She agreed.  She scheduled me for the following day.

 

The following day, which was this past Friday, I had Endo Scratch/biopsy done!  It wasn't bad at all, and I'm usually such a baby.  I took 800 mg of ibuprofen, said a prayer asking the Lord to take away the pain, and I barely felt cramps.  It took less than five minutes and felt like a pap smear at most.  I've been spotting the last couple days and have had ZERO pain, and the bleeding is now stopping.

 

With only two embryo's left, I really wanted to make sure we crossed all of our T's and dotted all of our i's.  I just couldn't go through another FET doing the same thing and hoping for the best.  I will get the result of the biopsy at the end of the week.  They are looking for inflammation or an infection which is pretty common and asymptomatic.  If all is normal, at least we did the scratch! 

 

We were supposed to transfer this coming Friday, but now Dr. A had me start prometrium to start my period.... then we will do our last and final FET.

 

Sorry this post was so long!  I had so much to get off my chest.  I honestly believe, God is using this time to grow my faith, and help me to trust him MORE... even if nothing comes from all of this. The day of my break down, I was feeling not only frustrated with my doctor care, or lack there of, but also frustrated that I wasn't seeing a clear cut path on what we should do, like we did with the boys.  When we went through IVF with the boys, I was calm, I felt peace and totally trusted the Lords leading.  I've felt lost this time.  I realized that day, that I needed to give these embryos over to the Lord, they are his after all, not mine.  Just like I did in the past.  I pictured the cross up on a hill, and a duffle bag, with "embryos" written across it.  I push it to the cross, because he promises to carry our burdens for us!

 

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is east to bear and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30

 

I can honestly say, I feel peace.  No matter the outcome, I know I can trust Him, and I know his plans are for good.

 

Our last chance....

I want to start by thanking those of you who commented on my last post.  Thank you for your kind words and words of encouragement.  I definitely needed some time to mourn the loss of yet another embryo and chance to give Rocco and Maximus a sibling.  C was very devastated too. He thought for sure our third embryo would be a taker.

The past month has been so good for us.  A break from TTC, and a chance to just be 'us' again.  Breaks are SO good!  Its hard taking breaks especially the older I am getting, and I'm sure some of you can relate.  I'm 34, and I always said I would be done by 35, God always has a way of changing our plans doesn't he?

But here we are, we have two "okay" embryos left.  We are transferring both. Its funny what IF does to a person.  In the beginning, C was VERY adamant about only wanting one baby, and only transferring one embryo.  But after almost 1 year since we started the journey for #3, we just want a healthy baby or two!  We want better chances, and to be done.  IF takes such a toll every month.  Every negative or loss is heartbreaking, and it takes time to recover again.

My boys ask me for a baby sister.  Just yesterday Rocco said, "I want God to give me a baby sister."  I replied, "I want God to give you a baby sister too!  Sometimes God says 'no' or 'not yet' and we don't always know why.  But Mommy loves you and Maximus SO much, and I am SO happy with just us!"  It might just be us four, and I have to be okay with it, I can be okay with it... I will be okay with it.  Please Lord help me be content if your answer is no!

I've been looking into adoption as well, not to seriously yet, but a little.  I've looked at international verses domestic. Both are hard and take a lot of time.  I'm open to it, but the process is difficult. We really need to pray about it. And its hard to think about when we still have two beautiful blasts waiting to go home in my uterus.

Last cycle post FET #3 was a fast one, 34 days.  I  had a feeling it would be a good one since I felt really good and healthy. Today I'm CD6 and am my E2 Vivelle dots.  Our tentative transfer date it September 25.

What we are doing different this cycle?  Starting at square one...  Going back to where we conceived our sons.  We are transferring our embryos to the Redondo Beach office, Dr. R (my original dr) will be doing my transfer, I am having Kristine be our embryologist (she was our embryologist with our boys), and we are doing assisted hatching (that will be different.).

I want to say I'm hopeful, but my heart breaks in reality.  I don't want to lose these last two.  I'm praying these will be our take home babies, both of them.  I'll take the bedrest, I'll take the pains, I'll take the C-section, I'll take it all for these two little ones to make it.  I love these two. 

I loved all of them.  Each one has caused me heartbreak each one has caused me to love it, and want it.  I just have to believe, the ones we lost will be waiting for me in Heaven.  That is only what makes sense to my feelings.  They were a life, they were alive, they just didn't make it.