BETA DAY

Sorry I haven't updated.  It has not been the smoothest 2WW.

 The morning of transfer, I woke up at about 5 am.  I wanted to go have my quiet time.  Today was a big day, and C and I decided it was likely going to be the last time we are going to do this regardless of the outcome (although we have said that many times).  But for some reason, this time it felt more real.  I sat down with my bible and devotion and opened to todays devotional and the heading was TRUST ME ANYWAY.  It was the perfect thing for me to read that morning and honestly the only way I could get through this 2ww.  I'm just going to share my instagram post I wrote that morning...

"I took this picture a few months ago on my way to a hair appointment. The sunset was just so gorgeous that I literally had to pull over the car to capture it. I thanked God for making such a beautiful sunset. Sometimes it seems like they happen at the perfect time, like they were painting just for... me! Do you ever feel that way?

In my quiet time this morning, I was reading in a devotional I actually bought for my kiddos. It brought tears to my eyes. The heading was "Trust Me Anyway" it was like he was speaking directly to me! 

And then the verse... "I told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have trouble. But be brave! I have defeated the world!" John 16:33

God doesn't promise us a problem free life, but he does promise to be with us through the storms. One thing is for certain, when my faith was tested through this journey and our four miscarriages, He NEVER let me go, even when I wanted to. He hung on to me when my faith hung on by a thread. Now, even through SO much heartache, I can stand firm in his love for me. I may never understand the why we had to go through this trial, but Lord, I do trust you anyway."

Transfer went smoothly.  Everything happened as it should.  Usually, I am a nervous wreck, anxiety is at a all time high, but this time was different.  I was calm, relaxed even.  I usually want to go strait home on bedrest, but this time, C and I went out to lunch!  We stopped by a new little restaurant called Eat Chow.  And because everyone always eat Mc Donald's Fries afterward (I just can't do that knowing how many chemicals are in their food!), we ordered some truffle garlic fries instead! OMGosh SO delish!

Then, I went home on bedrest.

Dr. P requires strict bedrest is required for three days (I only did two days with my twins).  The next morning, however, I woke up with a UTI of all things.  I tried to get someone to call in a prescription for me, but no one would.  First I was sent to my labcorp, but they couldn't test with a dip stick, only culture. So, Finally I ended up in urgent care, got my usual macrobid, and went back home.  I was terrified to take an antibiotic thinking it would kill the embryo, but I also didn't want a kidney infection.  I had to remind myself of what I felt God was telling me, "Trust me anyway!"

It cleared up right away, but on the second day, I ended up with a rash all over my abdomen.  It was the macrobid!  I have taken it many times before but now i'm allergic! Great!  My body is attacking the embryo!  TRUST ME ANYWAY!  I stopped the Macrobid after the second day, the third day, the rash was all over my face! Oh this is terrible, I am sure this cycle is a BUST.  TRUST ME ANYWAY!

Pray. Wait. Trust.

Dr's wanted me to take a STRONGER antibiotic Cipro, but since I wasn't having any more UTI symptoms, I decided not to take it.  I picked up a natural alternative called D-Mannose.  I started taking that every three hours when I stopped the macrobid.  Apparently it worked!

My symptoms started 3dp6dt:  Major bloat, sore boobs on the sides, heaviness  and pulling in uterus. I feel like as soon as implantation happens, I get this pooch!  It has progressively gotten bigger and bigger all week!

4dp6dt, I got a squinter on a FRER.  I mean it was like a barely there, am I seeing things squinter

5dp6dt, I was still questioning it. So I went and got these walmart cheapie tests...

6dp6dt, I wrote, "Symptoms: HOT all night, pulling and heaviness in the uterus, peed twice last night.  

Its all been the same, just increasing symptoms, peeing on sticks like a crazy lady!  Starting at 4 weeks and 1 day, I noticed an increase in my appetite.  I had vegan french toast for breakfast and then i was STARVING after church and all I wanted was a hamburger!  We went to the habit and i had a lettuce wrap double double!  I hadn't eaten there since I was pregnant with my boys. The last two mornings I've eating homemade meatballs and marinara for breakfast.  

The weirdest part is, I thought I would be ballooning up from the prednisone I'm on. Nope!  I've lost seven pounds!  I'm down to 135 as of this morning, and that is with me having a giant bloated tummy!  I think my body likes prednisone.  I was terrified of getting moon face.  But I'm losing weight!

I woke up this morning and took this test, 12dp6dt, which apparently is the same as 12dp5dt.  I just did that receptivity test to confirm my Uterus is receptive day six (like when i had my boys).

Best test yet, and you know I'm going to keep on testing!  I can't wait til Friday!  They just keep getting better.  Blood is drawn!  We also did our repeat immune labs... 10 vials of blood, checking my NK cells, antibodies etc. C had to do some too for it too.  I will get a report in a couple days and then I will know what my next dose of IVIG needs to be for next Wednesday!

BETA TEST

OMG... I just got the call!!!!! I'm PREGNANT!!!!!  291 is the number!  Thank you JESUS!  I wish it was like the first time all over again.  Crying, tears of joy!  Unfortunately, that joy has been robbed from me.  I am SO happy we have a GREAT number, we have such a LONG road ahead.  My next beta is Friday... three days away!  Please Lord, protect this life.  Give us this baby we have desperately prayed for. Your will your way is always the right ways Lord, but please give us your favor once more.  We love you Lord.  You are the author and creator of life.  Your name is who we praise.  Your name and your name alone will be the one I praise for all of my days.  To you be the glory Lord, of this precious life. Amen.

See that bump!  It was flat as a board, but now I have a pooch! Praise Jesus! (bruises from heparin!)

9dp5dt FET#4

Where do I even begin? I feel that so much has happened!

So, I left you off at 3dpt, where I was having some doubts or fears on whether of not Assisted Hatching, AH, was done.  After posting my last post, I finally received a call from the embryologist and YES, AH was done!  I was so relieved!  And yes, I clearly know God is bigger than AH and he can do all things, but I also believe he gives us resources and direction, and we must also make an effort to see the miracles in our life.  AH was definitely on my heart and I am so glad is was done.  I slept good that night.

4dpt5dt I had a grand idea so as not to be tempted to POAS, I peed on the one FRER I had upstairs, knowing it would be negative, and just to get it out of the house.  I didn't want to be tempted at 7dpt and see a negative, because then I would want to quit all my meds again.

Well, around 4pm, I POAS.  My bladder was NOT full and I really had to squeeze it out, so to speak. I set it there, knowing I wouldn't see a thing.  Negative... no wait?  I could see something, but I really believed my eyes were playing tricks on me.  So I hid it and said I would look the next day.  The next morning I was waiting [in]patiently for C to get out of bed and make us tea down stairs.  He would not get out of bed!  Finally he did.  I ran over to the test, and could see that something again!  But I still was not 100%.  I though maybe a evap line or something? This was WAY too early to see something right!?

I came clean to C and showed Mr. Skeptical the test.  He said he could see it!!!! WHAT!?!?!  I thought for sure he would say I was crazy!  He said for me to go get another test to see!

I had to pee so I went to the store grabbed a box of FRER's (I'm so weak I know!), went to get my nails done so I went into they bathroom and POAS.  I wrapped it in a paper towel and put it away in my purse.  I sat there waiting.  At 5dp5dt, I got a faint but very clear BFP!!!!!  I was shaking and praising Jesus!!  I felt like I could scream, but I couldn't because I was in the nail salon!  I had to keep peaking at the test to make sure it was real!  I came home and told C, he was cautiously happy of course!

The following day, I excitedly took another test around 11am expecting to see a much darker line.  BAD MOVE.  First it had not even been 24 hours since the previous test and second, it was SO early still.  I gave it a few minutes and my heart sank.  The line looked SO light, like barely there light.  I was devastated.  All my hopes and dreams of growing our family flashed before my eyes, my heart sank.  I thought for sure this was a chemical.

I texted DH that we lost the baby, telling him it was a chemical pregnancy.  I know I should have waited til he got home, but I was devastated.

As the day went on, however, the test kept getting darker and darker, until it was darker than the day before!  I couldn't believe it!  This is why testing early can be very bad.  If my hcg level at 5dpt was 20 for example, it maybe would have been 30 by the next day, so it wouldn't have shown much change.  I texted DH, that I loved him and I vowed to do no more tests, which has held true!  He was relieved to find out the test was darker now too!

Since then, my pregnancy symptoms have been getting stronger and stronger to where I KNOW I am pregnant!YAY!!!  However, I still want to see that BETA number!  I feel like I can't totally rejoice, until after BETA... after what happened for FET #1 (a low Beta of 33).

How am I feeling now at 9dp5dt or should I say 4 weeks pregnant?  Very pregnant!  My stomach is SOOOOO bloated I cannot even button my pants.  I also have kind of a cramping/heavyness feeling and random pains on the sides, like ligament pains.  I have had waves of headaches since 3dpt.  They come and go every few minutes it seems, which is what I had with the boys.  My boobs just started getting sore a day or two ago and are fuller.  I have been super exhausted in the afternoon, but feel great in the morning.

I can't believe I have to wait TWO MORE DAYS until BETA!  It is torture!  This will be the first time, I am actually going to wait until designated BETA day, which will hopefully make it for a happy Halloween!

3dp5dt FET#4

The last couple days were a breeze... today, hormonal mess!  I feel ultra sensitive, ultra tired, bloated and I have an on again off again headache that I woke up with.  I know it is all related to all the wonderful hormones I am on, but it sure makes it extremely hard not to think... what if?

I know it is WAY too early for any REAL pregnancy symptoms, but feeling like this makes me have POAS on my mind! Do you think I can hold out?  I have one FRER upstairs.  I should just go use it, to get it out of the house!  WHY OH WHY is the 2WW so hard!?

You really forget how difficult it is, until those P4 symptoms kick into high gear!

I've been pretty crampy since 1dpt, but I will list yesterdays...

• 2dp6dt- cramps, twinges, EXHAUSTED by 3pm (I couldn't finish putting away the groceries I had to lay down!), not a huge appetite.

• 3dp5dt- woke up with a dull headache and its been coming and going today, cramps still, maybe my bb's are getting sore (?), emotional, really tired all day, not a big appetite.

One thing I forgot to mention prior to transfer...  So a week prior to transfer I had been reading about assisted hatching and noticed on all the sites that it mentioned that the steroid, Medrol is necessary to take so your body doesn't reject the embryos and have an inflammatory response. Well, once I realized that, I immediately called my RE's office to speak to a nurse.  Only Barbara was available and she is not my favorite.  She always seems to make me feel like I'm asking too many questions.  Anyway, she said that they no longer use Medrol because new studies have shown it doesn't help either way.

That was not good enough for me!

I emailed Dr. A. and she said that it was true that they didn't normally give Medrol anymore, but looking back at my twins cycle, I WAS ON MEDROL!!!! Can you believe that!?  She said it would be up to me if I wanted it again.  I replied, "absolutely since that was my one cycle that worked!"

I can't help but wonder if that was my missing link for the last three cycles!  So LAME!

This journey can be so frustrating!

I started the Medrol Sunday and finished yesterday.  I had to take 4 pills a day for 4 days.

This morning I also woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach too!  I realized that Assisted Hatching, AH, was not mentioned at transfer and it wasn't on my embryo report.  I have been on the phone with my RE, and no one has an answer for me!  Apparently they are short handed in the lab and the embryologies haven't gotten back!  I just want to confirm it was done... for peace of mind, I guess!

I told C about my fears that AH wasn't preformed.  His reply, "Gods bigger than assisted hatching!" Duh!  He is so confident this is going to work this time!  I love it!  I really need some verses to rebuke doubt right now!  I think I will google some...

Wow!  For those of you who need a kick in the pants on FAITH, read Hebrews 11.  So good!

9dp5dt... FET#3

As of yesterday, all symptoms, are gone.  No cramps, no sore bbs (well at least no more sore than they were), nothing is noticeable anymore.  I have to admit, I'm feeling completely let down.  I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach saying, "this didn't work."

Before yesterday, I had the "I'm 90% sure this DID work," feeling. Why!? Why!? Why is this so dang hard.  Why does this hurt so bad?  It is so true that no matter where you are in your journey, if you have one kid, two kids, or however many, any amount of IF really hurts.  My heart feels broken once again.

I really needed to cry this morning. I did.  I felt better.  For some reason my mind keeps going back to this image...

"The Child Who Was Never Born" by Martin Hudeceka

My heart is heavy. For all of us.

I have not POAS, so I know I don't have a definitive answer, but I am not optimistic.  I'm sorry for being so down and depressed.

The one time I want to be bloated (my one real definitive symptom), my stomach is as flat as a board.

Staying Busy! 2dp5dt... FET#3

Well, today I was off bedrest and today I was BUSY!  I had almost no time to obsess over my symptoms... or google!

That is the key to the 2WW... STAY BUSY!!  Time will fly by :)

This morning I rushed my twins to their regular Friday swim lesson.  They have been going since they were 13 months old.  I am so happy that I've been consistent with them because they are now better swimmers than me at three years old!  They now swim with big arms, know the back stroke, and are working on side breathing.  Next year, at 4 1/2 I plan to put them on the swim team!  Its really amazing seeing them swim and I am so glad they are water safe!  I highly recommend everyone with kids to find a swim school that teaches water safety, i.e. floating on the back first!

After that, I had to RUSH home because I realized I FORGOT to put my E2 patches back on after the shower!  I was freaking out... just a little bit! I probably had them off 1 hour total, so I know I didn't wreck anything, but still!  Oops!

We headed to the protected wetlands after our stop at home, to explore nature and go for a walk.  It is 5 min from our house and the boys love it.  It is where the ocean comes in, fish lay eggs, birds nest, there are all kinds of sea creatures, etc.  One time a dolphin got trapped in there and had to get rescued!

Here are a few pics from our day...

Maximus Matteo finding little sea creatures

Rocco and Maximus, my big boys!  I love how they hold hands!

Throwing rocks and searching for crabs :)

After that we went on a little day date for lunch.  Just us three... and my pooch Oliver!  It was such good quality time.

We went home to rest up a bit before C came home to take us fishing!  We have a little lake in our city, it is called Central Park, but we aren't in NYC obviously, but I do love where we live.

Maximus

Rocco and Daddy 

Mommy and Maximus :)

We literally live 5 min from the lake and Rocco was asleep before we were home.  It is hit or miss with the naps lately,  but today he obviously needed one.  He was OUT!  I laid him on the couch, fed the rest of us, put jammy's on him and he didn't even wake up!  I had BOTH boys asleep before 7PM... a record!

2dp5dt symptoms...

Not too many, but I am still having a lot of cramping, which surprises me!  Can that be from the progesterone?  I really only felt it when I was sitting, driving, etc. but they were pretty consistent today. My bb's are HUGE and SORE.  We'll see if they continue.  

I saw that in my pregnancy with my boys, they were super sore, then got less sore, then got SUPER DUPER sore... bloating is my real giveaway.  I know its too early for anything HCG wise.  I love this timeline...

This is what happens in a 3 day transfer:

1 day post transfer - embryo is growing and developing
2  days post transfer - Embryo is now a blastocyst
3 days post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5 days post transfer - Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &  fetal cells
8 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

This is what happens in a 5 day (blastocyst) transfer:

1 day post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3 days post transfer - Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
8 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
9 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Keeps things into perspective! :)

FET #3 Transfer Day! 1dp5dt

Transfer yesterday was probably the best it has ever gone.  I mean, they didn't go bad before, but yesterday, was a whole new level!

My mom came with me to transfer, because C wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it.  He had meetings that were planned a month ago.  It was with a big client.  I wasn't upset, but sad for him not to be there.  He mentioned that morning that there was a slim chance he would be able to make it if his meeting got done in time.  Mom and I were sitting in the waiting room and low and behold, C walks in just in time!  I was so surprised! I needed my mom there regardless so she could drive me home... a had my valium to relax ;)

After I was all strapped in, cleaned up, the embryologist came in, I told him my name, and he told me the blast, our 4AB, was doing extremely well and was already expanding (getting ready to hatch, but not hatching yet!).  Dr. Amin did my transfer.  I really love her!  She is very sweet.  Anyway, she seemed to be EXTRA careful.  She put the catheter in, waited for 2 min to ensure my uterus was not contracting, dropped our beautiful 4AB, waiting another min or two before removing the catheter.  I got a GREAT shot of our little emby...

We waited 10 minutes.  Got up, peed, kissed C goodbye and my mom drove me home.  I had another friend, L, helping with the boys.  Mom took over once we got home.  I went strait to my bed while she made lunch for all of us.

Rocco, Maximus and Mom all fell asleep on the couch down stairs after swimming, while I got some Zzzz's upstairs.  My mom came in at 5pm saying she just woke up!  So funny!

I was feeling crampy yesterday, a good sign for me and my bb's are already getting big and sore... another good sign my P4 is working, finally!

Today 1dp5dt

I decided that complete bedrest (like I did for FET #2 and got a BFN) was not for me!  Plus my boys needed to get out of the house and burn energy or they are wild ban chi's!  So, I did NO picking up, got them ready and took them to gymnastics class, where I sit and watch.  It was perfect!  Then we got home, ate lunch (I have no help today), and went and floated in the hot tub (set at 95 degrees).  It was awesome!

Symptoms so far: Really crampy today, they are light cramps, but definitely noticeable, and of course sore bb's from PIO

Also, I VOW to NOT test early this time.  It makes me a crazy woman... I cannot do that to my hubby :(

One more thing, my left side/hip/thigh area has gone numb I'm sure from PIO!  Has this happened to anyone before?  It feels really strange.  I must have hit a nerve or something!?

I will leave you with a pic of my lovely shot.  YES that needle has to go  ALL THE WAY IN.

5dp5dt... FET #2

Well, I woke up today thinking all hope was lost.  Bloating gone, bb's NOT sore at all, and I felt completely back to normal... besides a serious cold I have!

I'm coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose like crazy, and I can't take a thing!  For now, loading up on fresh ginger and lemon tea with raw honey.  Drinking all day to hopefully kick this nasty bug.

I ended up loading the twins up in my burley bike trailer and towed them with my neighbor friend C (I have a lot of C's in my life as of late!) and her kids to a local park close by.  We had a nice time catching up, Oliver got to do his favorite activity, chase squirrels, they are everywhere down there, and we went on a little "adventure" through the "woods."  The park is right next to the wetlands and is surrounded by trees and bushes and the boys like to hunt for lions, tigers and bears!  It is definitely a favorite activity.

I noticed down at the park that my stomach started feeling a little bloated again and my right nipple keeps having sharp pains in it.  I tried just blowing it off.

Once home, the boys ate lunch, and are now taking a nap.  I am extremely bloated as I sit here and I'm still having that nipple pain on and off (but no sore bbs).  I am also exhausted and might just take a nap too!  The tiredness might just be from my cold or progesterone... or is it maybe a baby? Hmmmmm...  It is funny how as soon as I was SURE our little 3AB didn't take, I am now starting to question!