I want to start by thanking those of you who commented on my last post. Thank you for your kind words and words of encouragement. I definitely needed some time to mourn the loss of yet another embryo and chance to give Rocco and Maximus a sibling. C was very devastated too. He thought for sure our third embryo would be a taker.
The past month has been so good for us. A break from TTC, and a chance to just be 'us' again. Breaks are SO good! Its hard taking breaks especially the older I am getting, and I'm sure some of you can relate. I'm 34, and I always said I would be done by 35, God always has a way of changing our plans doesn't he?
But here we are, we have two "okay" embryos left. We are transferring both. Its funny what IF does to a person. In the beginning, C was VERY adamant about only wanting one baby, and only transferring one embryo. But after almost 1 year since we started the journey for #3, we just want a healthy baby or two! We want better chances, and to be done. IF takes such a toll every month. Every negative or loss is heartbreaking, and it takes time to recover again.
My boys ask me for a baby sister. Just yesterday Rocco said, "I want God to give me a baby sister." I replied, "I want God to give you a baby sister too! Sometimes God says 'no' or 'not yet' and we don't always know why. But Mommy loves you and Maximus SO much, and I am SO happy with just us!" It might just be us four, and I have to be okay with it, I can be okay with it... I will be okay with it. Please Lord help me be content if your answer is no!
I've been looking into adoption as well, not to seriously yet, but a little. I've looked at international verses domestic. Both are hard and take a lot of time. I'm open to it, but the process is difficult. We really need to pray about it. And its hard to think about when we still have two beautiful blasts waiting to go home in my uterus.
Last cycle post FET #3 was a fast one, 34 days. I had a feeling it would be a good one since I felt really good and healthy. Today I'm CD6 and am my E2 Vivelle dots. Our tentative transfer date it September 25.
What we are doing different this cycle? Starting at square one... Going back to where we conceived our sons. We are transferring our embryos to the Redondo Beach office, Dr. R (my original dr) will be doing my transfer, I am having Kristine be our embryologist (she was our embryologist with our boys), and we are doing assisted hatching (that will be different.).
I want to say I'm hopeful, but my heart breaks in reality. I don't want to lose these last two. I'm praying these will be our take home babies, both of them. I'll take the bedrest, I'll take the pains, I'll take the C-section, I'll take it all for these two little ones to make it. I love these two.
I loved all of them. Each one has caused me heartbreak each one has caused me to love it, and want it. I just have to believe, the ones we lost will be waiting for me in Heaven. That is only what makes sense to my feelings. They were a life, they were alive, they just didn't make it.