Saturday, September 12, 2015

Our last chance....

I want to start by thanking those of you who commented on my last post.  Thank you for your kind words and words of encouragement.  I definitely needed some time to mourn the loss of yet another embryo and chance to give Rocco and Maximus a sibling.  C was very devastated too. He thought for sure our third embryo would be a taker.

The past month has been so good for us.  A break from TTC, and a chance to just be 'us' again.  Breaks are SO good!  Its hard taking breaks especially the older I am getting, and I'm sure some of you can relate.  I'm 34, and I always said I would be done by 35, God always has a way of changing our plans doesn't he?

But here we are, we have two "okay" embryos left.  We are transferring both. Its funny what IF does to a person.  In the beginning, C was VERY adamant about only wanting one baby, and only transferring one embryo.  But after almost 1 year since we started the journey for #3, we just want a healthy baby or two!  We want better chances, and to be done.  IF takes such a toll every month.  Every negative or loss is heartbreaking, and it takes time to recover again.

My boys ask me for a baby sister.  Just yesterday Rocco said, "I want God to give me a baby sister."  I replied, "I want God to give you a baby sister too!  Sometimes God says 'no' or 'not yet' and we don't always know why.  But Mommy loves you and Maximus SO much, and I am SO happy with just us!"  It might just be us four, and I have to be okay with it, I can be okay with it... I will be okay with it.  Please Lord help me be content if your answer is no!

I've been looking into adoption as well, not to seriously yet, but a little.  I've looked at international verses domestic. Both are hard and take a lot of time.  I'm open to it, but the process is difficult. We really need to pray about it. And its hard to think about when we still have two beautiful blasts waiting to go home in my uterus.

Last cycle post FET #3 was a fast one, 34 days.  I  had a feeling it would be a good one since I felt really good and healthy. Today I'm CD6 and am my E2 Vivelle dots.  Our tentative transfer date it September 25.

What we are doing different this cycle?  Starting at square one...  Going back to where we conceived our sons.  We are transferring our embryos to the Redondo Beach office, Dr. R (my original dr) will be doing my transfer, I am having Kristine be our embryologist (she was our embryologist with our boys), and we are doing assisted hatching (that will be different.).

I want to say I'm hopeful, but my heart breaks in reality.  I don't want to lose these last two.  I'm praying these will be our take home babies, both of them.  I'll take the bedrest, I'll take the pains, I'll take the C-section, I'll take it all for these two little ones to make it.  I love these two. 

I loved all of them.  Each one has caused me heartbreak each one has caused me to love it, and want it.  I just have to believe, the ones we lost will be waiting for me in Heaven.  That is only what makes sense to my feelings.  They were a life, they were alive, they just didn't make it.


9 comments:

Kerry said...

First time commenting bit I've been following for a while!! I want you to feel/see as many positive thoughts as you can!! Good luck good luck good luck!! Fingers crossed for the best results possible!!!

My (In)fertile Confessions said...

Thank you so much for commenting Kerry! It this IF community we live for comments because outside of here, it can feel lonely. Thank you for sending good vibes and wishes! I appreciate it more than I can say! ❤️

Kimberly Taylor said...

I've been waiting to hear an update. But I knew you were in mourning. I'm so glad you took a break and hit the reset button. I've already laid out plans for the next 6 months and they include a break every 2 cycles. I'll be praying for you. It is definitly hard to go through all of this, again and again.

My (In)fertile Confessions said...

I like that... 'Hit the reset button!' BC that is exactly what we did! It was so healthy for all of us. It is very smart that you planned out the next six months with breaks... Good for you! Thank you so much for your prayers, we definitely need them. Wishing you lots of baby dust and praying for you as well. Xo

Kimberly Taylor said...

Its so great because it almost leaves you feeling, refreshed and ready to take on the world again. It helps get your mind ready for whatever is next. And its also really great that you+DH are going through this together as a team. When you hurt, he's hurting. Sometimes that can be a rare thing. Its hard for husbands to realize what is going on with us and fully understand all that we go through, the injections, the medications, the emotional wreckage. To have that support system is great. I look forward to reading more when you're ready :)

Kim @ Myrtle's Hurdles said...

I've been following you for quite some time, as a fellow PCOS'er & infertility warrior. I've had two MCs after IVF, and have four embryos 'on ice', but your beautiful boys give me so much hope. My break has gone longer than expected (2 years), but it's been healing. Wishing you the best of luck on this cycle, and sending positive vibes your way. Keeping you in my prayers, XO.

Our Journey Through This Lovely Life said...

Sending so many prayers your way. Every loss makes moving forward that much harder. I will be keeping you and your two little embrys in my prayers!

My (In)fertile Confessions said...

I'm so sorry about your MC's! I can understand why you took a long break. this process is so challenging. The more we go through this, the more I realize what miracles my boys are! It is only by Gods amazing grace that I ever conceived... And twins for that matter! Just in church today my pastor said, we must take a leap of faith by our actions in order to see His promises fulfilled. I believe it! He opens the doors, but it's our choice to walk through them! Saying a prayer for you and your embies right now! ❤️

My (In)fertile Confessions said...

Thank you so much!! We can really use all the prayer we can get!! ❤️

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