I haven't...

felt like posting. I started my period last monday. I knew I wasn't pregnant on Saturday, so I quit taking the Progesterone then.

I thought I would be okay with everything...not being pregnant. C and I had discussed a child-free life, and I was actually excited about the possiblity. Well it hasn't felt that way those positive feelings have dissipated. I think I'm depressed... again.

I'm in a funk and I am not sure how to get out of it. I am tired, and sluggish all the time. I thought it was just hormones or PMS. Its not. I'm really not sure how to feel about everything. It just feels so finite. We are not going to do IVF (at least not right now). I'm not sure what to do with my life? How do we get back to just living again? Without TTC? I feel so lost...

I have an appointment with my counselor again on Wednesday. Hopefully she will give me new insight on what to do with my new "child-free" life. Maybe adoption is in our future?? I know God is closing some doors but He is bound to open new ones... I just have to wait and see!

To the mothers at heart...

Happy Mothers day! Even if we are not mothers, we are mothers at heart. We long to hold our child and nurture them. So in a sense, we are mothers. Each month brings new hope, much disappointment, and we morn the loss of our child that may never be. This is a VERY difficult holiday for many of us. I truly hope you enjoyed your day and did what YOU wanted to. Cheers to all of us mom's at heart!

I actually got wished happy mothers day today by my sis-in-law. It was weird, but it almost made me cry. She said it to me because she "knew I would be a mom someday." We'll see. I am still not holding my breath.

Ironically, today was the day of our first IUI. And as I'm writing this I can feel myself ovulating (is that weird?). I had 7 big follicles all above 20... yes SEVEN! When Dr. D came into check my follies, he said "good morning octomom." UGH! I've heard that before though. I am a REALLY good responder to the follistim. My uterine lining was at 13.5. My biggest follie was at 30! The good news is that we only used HALF of the HCG trigger, so hopefully only half of my lil eggies release. I made sure to tell him I DON'T WANT MULTIPLES... maybe two? At this point though I would be happy with one lil bean. But, I am NOT getting my hopes up! Its hard when EVERYONE in the office is saying this is SUCH a good cycle. I respond by saying, ya but I've seen this before, and I'm not getting my hopes up.

I am pretty impressed with C's #'s too! He had 54 million and 91% motility! We abstained one day. I figured the more we get up there the better! The previous IUI cycle we abstained two days and his #'s were lower, 40 mil. The one before that we abstained one day and his #'s were 70 mil. So I figure he must do better doing it everyday! He doesn't complain ;-) (TMI) And of course, I help him out with his sample!

Tomorrow we go back for another IUI. I am REALLY over going to Dr. D's. I feel like I live there! I am so excited to be done with this, what ever the outcome. Although, I know if we do get PG we'll be going once a week (but I won't mind it then, I'm sure!) for the next 12 weeks.

Mothers Day wasn't all too bad. It took so much out of me to call my sis-in-law, who is PG, and wish her a Happy Moms Day (she got PG the first month trying!), but I did it anyway. Of course I called my Mom, who is my best friend! But, the rest of the day I cooked and relaxed with C and laid out by the pool. Overall, not a bad day.

New Love…

At least it feels like it! Ever since I came to the realization that C and I may never have kids and the fact that I’m over obsessing… C and I have revamped our relationship! We are newly weds all over again! It’s absolutely amazing! We had such a great weekend together.

The stress of IF really takes out the enjoyment of your relationship. I actually didn’t realized how much it took. The obsessing of the what if, the temping, the testing, etc. all a recipe for STRESS… the one absolute thing that does NOT help when TTC. Throwing that all out of the window… I am a new woman! I am my old self again!

Cheers!

PS... I have 6 follicles growing... its looking like IUI will be this weekend!