I'm alive!

heartbroken. But I'm alive.

Seriously. I don't think we would have ever tried for another knowing we would be put through such hell. I think I need a break from all things IF. Last summer sucked. We had two transfers and two BFN's. This summer we are going to travel. We are booking a trip Europe, with our boys in August, plus a few other mini trips before.

I know we have four normal blasts. But honestly I'm so scared to even transfer them in fear my body will just destroy them. I think a change of RE's is much over due. I am thinking about going back to dr Anderson. He has an 85% success rate. The down side is he will only transfer one embryo. It scares me. There are pro's and cons of one vs two, but According to him, I am very lucky I had a successful twin pregnancy. I guess he has seen a lot of sad outcomes.

There is another dr right next door, Dr Potter, who also has a lot of success. I am going to interview him and see. He will transfer two.

Honestly after going through so much heartbreak, we just want a healthy baby. Lots to consider. I feel drained. I can't even pray about it any more. I'm just done.

Yesterday I got hit with a triple whammy... Diarrhea, vomiting, fever... And I started AF :( the good fortune continues. I think it was food poisoning. Not eating Mexican food for a long time!

Chemical! IVF #3

Or a big fat negative! I noticed today that all my symptoms were gone or practically gone! So I decided to test to know for sure! I have a faintest of faint lines on a FRER! So disappointing.

7dp6dt Feeling Thankful for Today IVF #3

I am thankful for today. I am thankful that today I feel pregnant, that today, I know one or both of these embabes attached and are growing, and for that I thank God!
Since Monday, my symptoms are getting stronger and stronger! Today 7dp6dt I can feel my bb's getting more sore, my lower stomach is pooching out from bloat and I can't suck it in, I'm exhausted, I feel twinges and crampy off and on, I have waves of nausea (quick moments), I'm getting hungrier and I have a headache. That's a lot!

However, there have been moments today where I'm like, "OH NO, is the bloating gone? My bb's don't hurt anymore?!" I do a self check probably a gazillion times a day.

After having two losses, it is so hard to think past today. I can't. I have to guard my heart. But today I can be so thankful to God for where I am today. Today I know I am pregnant.
Now we are just praying for a high Beta and for them to stick! ❤️🙏🏻 Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement! ❤️ you all #ivfsisters
Beta in three more days! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 All of this gives me hope!

I also got a call from my RE. We have FOUR normals out of TEN! I have mixed emotions! It is really good, but if these take, we are done. I asked NOT to know the genders, but She seemed so excited, I know there are girls in there :( all of this is in Gods hands out of my control. If these take, we will pray about what to do with our other embabies. I am a little sad at the moment honking about them.

I Think I Tested Too Early... 5dp6dt IVF #3

My boy Maximus on the SUP with Mommy!

First of all, Thank you for all of your support!  I so appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement!

After my last poas around 3pm, seeing a BFN, I couldn't take it any more... I put those sticks AWAY! Vowing not to test for at least two days so I can get a better answer.  I went to bed feeling hopeless, 100% sure that this didn't work, devastated, bargaining with God, I am going to bed with new found hope tonight!

How am I feeling 5dp6dt? I think I might have tested too soon!  HELLO BLOAT!!!!!  Oh how I missed you!  Its back... its full on!  I should my stomach to my hubby and he confirmed.  He had just got done commenting how flat my stomach was again two days ago.  My bb's are also getting sore, more so on the sides.

This morning I woke up still feeling helpless. Hopeless.  You should read my prayer journal!  Asking God WHY?  WHY does this keep happening to us?  I was then reading in Psalms and I was given this verse...

Reminded again that my hope and trust is in him... and nothing else!

Today my gf Crystal and I took our kiddos to the nature center in New Port Back Bay.  It was the perfect place to get my mind off of all this!  The had a scavenger hunt for the kids to find things in nature... lady bug, tadpoles, pinecone, bark, a log, butterfly, lizard, etc.  The kids LOVED it!  I found it super healing.

As I was walking around, I kept thinking, am I feeling the bloat coming back?  Are my bb's now sore?  OMGosh they are!  I'm not kidding, my stomach is getting more bloated by the min. AMAZING.

I am keeping those tests away.  I'm going to rest in these symptoms.  Pray they keep getting stronger. Wait for BETA Saturday and PRAY these babes STICK!  Please let them be our take home babies!!!!

4dp6dt IVF #3

I've been testing since 1dpt hoping to test out the HCG, using this lovely wondfo internet cheepies.  I was getting faint positives until today. Stark feeling white. BFFN!  This sucks! I know this didn't work! Ugh 😔 I know you can say it's just too early, but I've been to this BBQ before. I will test again tomorrow, but those 6aa embryos should have implanted by now! Why does this keep happening to us?! This breaks my heart, more for my sons than for me.

I have no symptoms either! I'm missing my bloating symptom, and my bb's still aren't sore! I was super crampy yesterday, but that is typical.

I will test again tomorrow. I just know my body really well too! If it's really a negative, we have ten beautiful embryos being PGS tested. I just prayed however that God would give us ZERO normals, if he wasn't planning of giving us a take home baby. I just want to be done and move on if his answer is no. 😞 This journey is so painful!
From my quiet time, "then he touched their eyes and said 'because of your faith, it will happen.'" Seriously, my faith is so strong, I 1000% believe he can do this, but why is he not? 😢