What a week...

This week has been tough... sick with the flu, realized you can only go on vacation with some people, canceled appointments, unmotivated to ttc... again.

So, Vegas wasn't a hit after all. It sounded like a perfect plan, in theory. Get away from it all... no stress... etc.! It started off that way... Chris and I got to the Monte Carlo at midnight, went right to bed. We slept in the next morning (so nice!), went to breakfast, I had coffee (hadn't had that in 2 months!), had no agenda, and read the paper. After breakfast we got ready for the gym, I worked out (hadn't done that in 2 months!), and then relaxed in the steam room and spa! Then we came back to the room ordered room service and took a 2 hour nap. It was a great day! Then, my friends showed up...

They paid for a hotel for us at Hard Rock... so not our scene. Long story short, we stayed up way too late at places that are not our scene! I learned that some friends are just friends you go to lunch with!

Once I got home... Home Sweet Home... I had a horrible cough! I thought it was from all the nasty cigarette smoke, but it turned into something else... THE FLU! No not H1N1, just the stinkin FLU. I had a fever of 101.3, missed 3 days of work, and am now just feeling better. I had to cancel my hysteroscopy, and acupuncture appt., although I rescheduled the acupuncture for today! Unfortunately, I now have to wait another cycle to do the hysteroscopy (I needed a break anyways!).

Acupuncture today was interesting. The acupuncturist, Teri, was nice, but wasn't very informative... which I don't like. I like to know details. She only asked me a few questions diagnosed me by looking at my tongue! She put a heat lamp on my feet and pelvic area and then stuck me... but, it doesn't hurt. She then turn down the lights and put on Enya. I had a hard time relaxing, probably because it was my first time. I kept thinking about that Sex in the City episode where Charlotte when to see the acupuncturist and once she had all these needles in her face all she could hear was the traffic and street noise! She freaked out and couldn't relax! I calmed myself down and said I was NOT going to be her.

Once we were done, she gave me some Chinese herbs to take (no idea what they are!) every morning and night. Its supposed to help bring everything to balance. She said not to expect change for a couple months,which is what I expected. She said the main thing is she is going to focus on de-stressing me.. I guess she could tell I was uptight. Who woulda thought!?

Vegas Baby Vegas...

BTW... Chris and I decided to play hooky tomorrow and get away from it all! I got a sub and we are leaving for Vegas in a hour! When Life gets tough... go to Vegas!

A new outlook...

Okay, I didn't start my day that way. I was actually on the verge of tears on and off on the way to work. I was feeling so helpless. I told God last night that I was "a lost sheep." At least that's how I felt. I was praying last night for guidence as well as for healing from PCOS. Anything is possible right? I know God does miracles.

Anyway, I had left a message on a PCOS thread asking what the women used to get pregnant. When I got to work I opened my email and found this message. It made my day:

Hi Sara, I'm so sorry you are feeling so helpless; I understand how challenging this struggle is. Here is my story: After TTC for 3 1/2 yrs, my husband & I decided to seek help from a RE. I went on Metformin, which did not help. I then tried 2 rounds of Clomid followed by 3 rounds of Follistim; nothing worked for me. We then progressed to Follistim with an IUI which also failed. I felt I was at the end of my rope, much like you are feeling now. My husband & I had already invested so much into starting a family that we could no longer afford the financial and emotional toll. We decided to take a 6 month break and save for IVF. In the meantime, this is what I did: -Worked out 5 times a week, ate healthy and lost 10 lbs -Used the Cleareblue Easy Fertility Monitor so I would know for sure when I was ovulating. My cycles were between 35-90 days and it turns out that I usually ovulate on day 21. If I didn't have this monitor, I would have been trying to conceive one week too early. -Acupuncture treatments 3 times a week. After 3 months, I conceived and had a healthy pregnancy. I truly believe all 3 things contributed to finally being able to conceive. I don't believe you can "relax and just let it happen". That was one of the most frustrating things to hear while struggling with infertility. I wish you all the luck in the world. Don't give up, keep fighting and your dream WILL come true. Jackie

Thank God for this email! I am newly inspired and will not give up! I know God can do miracles I just need to be patient But, I went online bought ovulation strips, Fertile Aid for men (even though Chris has lots of sperm, it doesn't hurt!), and new digital BBT. We are also going to use preseed and I have an appointment with a acupuncturist on Tuesday who plans on using herbs to help regulate my cycle! I am excited and rejuvenated about this new path.

Once AF starts, I am still going to call Dr. D to set up for my hysteroscopy to ensure my uterus is still open from my surgery in April, and also have the IVF consultation. It doesn't hurt to listen!

UGH

Dr. D finally called at 230! As soon as I knew it was my RE I knew it was a BFN. Of course I asked why? He said it could be a number of things because there is no reason it shouldn't have worked, being that I'm 28, released 5-6 eggs, DH sperm is an A+, etc. So he said that it could be that the shell of the egg is too firm, or the sperm don't have this enzyme to break the shell of the egg, etc. He also wants me to have an Hysteroscopy again to check on my uterus to make sure it didn't seal shut since I had that septum removal surgery in April. He did one in May, but we didn't start TTC again until Aug. So, if all that is clear he wants to have an IVF consultation.

I'm supposed to call when I start my period, probably tomorrow since I quit the progesterone yesterday (Great choice!). But, my husband and I don't want IVF. There are too many cases where it doesn't work. Plus, we are not sure about the ethics of creating a ton of embryo's and dumping the rest. I know there is still much to learn. I'm not throwing in the towel on that yet. However, I am already a nervous wreck and emotionally drained from the injectables. I would be completely and utterly devastated if it didn't work. I am already completely and utterly devastated injectables didn't work. We are taking a break... Except I'm going to try accupuncture and herbs to try to help regulate my period... at least see if it helps!

I made an appt. for next Tuesday at a wellness center. I spoke with the accupuncturist about what she could do for PCOS and irregular menses. She said that she prescribes chinese herbs which can help regulate menses, will teach me to eat the proper foods for fertility, and of course, acupuncture for everything else. I will learn more on Tuesday.

I'm not sure if I want to give up temping, and I'm still considering getting OPK's. I'm wondering if I will ovulate sooner since being on all these meds! That would be awesome! My last unmedicated cycle was 53 days! I think I have a lazy left ovary! My right ovulated every time on the medicated cycle and not my left. Also I tend to ovulate every other month, so that would make sense.

What I'm realizing, and what I said this entire time is that, yes, medicine works, but ultimately its God who has the power to make pregnancy happen! It is in His timing... not mine!


Dear God,

Please give me the patience to wait on what you have in store for Chris and I. I feel like I have been carrying the burden of infertility and have not been waiting on you. I have been trying to do this without you. Please forgive me. I know that you have my best interest in mind. I know that your timing is perfect. Please remind me daily of this. Lord, Chris and I want a child so much, and if it is your will, please grant us the desire of our hearts. Thank you. Amen.