Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Where did you come from? I haven't felt you before. You have taken over my existence the last couple of days. I cannot sleep at night because of you! You are all I think about... when I wake, when I eat, when I work, when I sleep. Fear, please go away!

Last Sunday at Church the message was about how the devil uses things like fear or discouragement to "mess" with us and take our focus from what God has for us. Well, ever since then, FEAR has entered my life like a storm. For the last week, I have not been able to sleep. I toss and turn, my mind won't shut off. Then Sunday, I went to lay down and all of a sudden I became afraid... of failure. I am so afraid that the IF treatments are not going to work! What would we do??? IVF is the last resort. Its the LAST thing that RE's can do. Do we even want to go there? I am scared that its not going to work!

C and I were talking the other night (again) about whether or not IVF is even an option for us (just in case follistim doesn't work). I just don't know. I hear so many stories, people spend thousands! My mom was telling me the other night about someone she knew who spent $100,000 on IVF. The last cycle FINALLY worked. Then she got pregnant with her second the next year... no IVF. I hear about people doing IVF multiple times and it doesn't WORK, then they give up (probably because they are broke), then they get a BFP naturally (SURPRISE!). Do I really want to go there? I am afraid!

Well, the sermon on Sunday, concluded by saying that to stop the devil in his tracks you need to say Gods word to him... like Jesus did when he was being tempted in the desert during his 40 day fast.

I am going to try it! Here are some verses on fear (I'm going to say them aloud)...

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

There I read them aloud! Very good... we'll see how I sleep tonight! I am so exhausted, emotionally and physically drained, and I think fighting a mild form of depression. There I said it.. I feel weak. I have been so strong through all of this, not letting people know EXACLTY what's going on inside me. I'm not sure I even knew what was going on inside me. All of a sudden I felt sad. Not all the time, but sometimes and with some things. The only thing that makes me happy right now is my husband and my family. I'm trying to stay strong and positive for C and the rest! Its getting more and more difficult. I think I have been fighting this D since I found out I had to have surgery again. I want to be a wife that C wants to come home to, not a Debby Downer. Sorry for a bummer post!

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