WTF appointment and such...

It's getting spooky around here 👻🎃 we are getting ready for a big Halloween Bash at our house tomorrow!
Just an update on all things ttc... I had my follow up WTF appt. basically my RE gave me two options, use a surrogate or try again. He thinks it's immune issues. He also gave our last two embryos each a 90% success rate, and I lost them 😪 Our last two he gave them an 80%. It makes sense though bc the only thing that has changed with my health is allergies! Since having my twins I get them super bad which means my immune system is over active. I got my immune records and it showed my anti-cardiolipins were elevated or high, also some NK cells. So, I have been doing some major research on my own! I found some articles that were very promising about adding prednisone, specifically 20mg starting at 'ovulation' until 12 weeks. Lots of success stories there! I am in the process of getting approval with that protocol. Also, I am adding the natural form of wobenzyme which has anti inflammatory properties and is also supposed to help! I have an appt with a naturopath Tuesday.
Most importantly I have completely surrendered this to the Lord! I feel a sense of peace and calm. We have also filled out adoption applications just incase. If God closes this door I am praying he will open another! 💕🙌🏻 Happy Halloween everyone!!!

At a loss...

How can this be us? This is our fourth loss. First with PGS normal embryos. Not sure if I told you all but we lost two boys 💔💔 I am seriously so lost and broken hearted. I don't even know where to go from here. We have two embryos left, but I think my uterus is destroying them. We did everything this cycle... hysteroscopy and resected a uterine septum (third time), RPL panal, added lovenox, intralipids, I did an uterine receptivity test, we finally had PGS normal embryos. There is nothing left. I've done the scratch thing too! Wasted thousands and thousands of dollars over two IVF's and seven transfers.. nothing to show for it but broken hearts and many babies in heaven... seven transfers and 10 beautiful embryos. Now only God can give us answers. How in the world did I have my twins?1.
Never in my worst nightmare would I imagine this would be us. All my boys wanted was a baby sister, we tried. This has all been such a test to our faith. I know God loves us, but no one should go through this😪  

I will have my WTF appointment and then decide what to do next, if anything. Surrogacy may be our only option for our remaining two. C texted me and said we should adopt a baby girl, today. We'll see! Researching options...

Beta... transfer eight.

19.... Heartbroken 😭 two PGS normals. I guess I'm just supposed to only be a mother to two.

Beta EVE.... 10dp6dt

Even with all my 'symptoms' I'm scared to death! I could really use some prayers. And after I post this, I will be doing some praying myself! I know these little embryos are in His hands. This was our SEVENTH transfer ttc a sibling for our twins. I went into it thinking it might be our last, regardless of outcome. I have seen/heard so many times "I'm so sorry Sara" I just can't bare to hear it one more time. Our first MC the beta was a 33, we lost that one at 6 weeks and I had a natural MC. Our second MC our beta was 120 something, I was excited! We finally were over 100. The second beta dropped to 88 😢. Our third the embryos started to implant than fizzled right before beta. My heart has been broken more times than anyone deserves, and I know some of you ladies have been through worse! I can't bear it! I need to lean on Jesus to carry me. We need a breakthrough... we need a miracle! In Jesus name! 🙌🏻 

I did it without poas. So proud of myself. Gave this whole cycle over to the Lord, laid it at his feet. All I want is His will and not mine... I just do pray it contains a miracle or two❤️🙏🏻

Symptoms increasing: fatigue, wanted to sleep on the couch this afternoon but boys didn't let me. Increased appetite, it's a different type of hunger I can't explain. Bb's growing and sore, bloating so bad and not going anywhere, gassy, craving salty foods. Tonight I ate my kids organic chicken fingers and ketchup and dipped carrots in the ketchup 😱 So strange for me!

6dp6dt Symptoms... Transfer number Eight!

Symptoms:  I woke up at 5 am again, this time with a migraine.  It has been coming and going all day.  I remember this with my twins but that didn't start until I was past six weeks!  Maybe its from the estradiol shots? My bb's are extremely sore and definitely growing.  My stomach is crazy bloated and not going anywhere!  I'm also already craving pickles and salty foods... and my appetite has increased!  

I think this week is going to drag... five days until BETA!  C doesn't want me taking a pregnancy test, even though I KNOW I'm pregnant!  I may have to sneak one on tuesday when I will be four weeks!  I seriously can't believe how pregnant I feel already!  This is crazy... In a very good way!

The Test of Faith Through Infertility

I was reflecting at church last night during worship with tears in my eyes, praising God for how faithful He is... some of my darkest days were during this journey.

Just this year, during our last miscarriage, my faith hung on by a thread. It was tested beyond measure, I was losing hope. How could God allow me to go through this? But how could he NOT? He allowed me to be tested. No this wasn't his original plan, but this is the one thing he allowed, that is beyond painful, to show me he is walking with me, hurting with me, and carrying me through the pain of Infertility, the pain and hurt of losing three babies.

In the past two years (not to mention the 2.5 years in took to conceive my twins), my faith has been tested beyond measure, I have been on my knees begging God with tears streaming down my cheeks for him to take this desire for a baby away if it wasn't his plan and begging him for one, if it was. But this test is my testimony, that God loves me unconditionally, he has shown me time and time again how faithful he truly is! My relationship with Jesus is stronger than ever, and I can say that I love him SO much more than I did before I started this journey eight years ago.

Each passing year he has shown me his grace, showed me his great love for me that I have humbly accepted and grown my faith beyond measure. I know the Lord and he knows me. We can let infertility ruin us, or we can put our hope and faith in a God who wants to GROW us! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would have this struggle. However, everyone on earth has some type of struggle, this happens to be ours, and it has made me who I am... an underserving Child of God, who is humbly saved by his grace. I love him more and more each passing day. Thank you Jesus for this gift, of you!

I hope all of you find peace, comfort and faith from a God who loves you beyond measure and allow him to work big things in your hearts, allowing this test to also be your testimony❤️

4dp6dt- 5dp6dt Transfer Eight

I took this last night! This is my tried and true pregnancy symptom... I get major bloat which looks more like a pooch! My stomach was flat 4 days ago! It started 3dp6dt and by yesterday it's definitely more! The best part, it's still here this morning! After three losses I'm staying cautiously optimistic, but with those pregnancies, I never had it this early! Praying at least one of these little ones stuck and continue!

Here are some more symptoms... went to dinner last night with friends, exhausted by 8pm! Restless sleep again. Peed twice in the middle of the night. It's 11am right now and I need a nap 😴

3dp6dt Transfer numero eight!

Houston, we have symptoms!

I got super bloated from being on Lupron for so long. After stopping, it took a while to go back down.  The day of transfer I woke up and thought, "wow, the bloat is gone!  My stomach is finally going back to normal!"  I actually thought I looked thin again!  Well that is GONE!

This morning I woke up and thought my stomach looked a little bloated and C agreed, but then I didn't think much of it.  As the day went on, I started getting very tired and foggy headed, boobs started getting much more sore, and tonight... I got the bloat!  The bloat I can't suck in... I can't believe it!!!  I'm 90% sure as least one of these little ones attached!  Please Lord keep them growing big, strong and healthy!

The breakdown...

AM:  Woke up multiple times last night, once to pee, vivid dreams (the last couple nights), slightly bloated, hungry, made out with DH and his mouth tasted like metal!

Lunch: opened my salad and it smelled stinky to me, I almost didn't eat it.  Tired and foggy headed, sore bb's and more pulling on the left side in pelvic area.

PM: Sore bb's, and the bloat is back!!!

Please pray for us!!!

2dp6dt- Transfer Number Eight!

AM- Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero. Symptoms. Cramps gone. Feel nothing. Boobs slightly tender from progesterone.

Lunch time- Maybe I feel something in my uterus a little heaviness.  Some tweaks and pulls. Tired. Headachy.

Evening- Headaches that come and go.  More pulls on the left side kind of by my ovary area. Fatigue. Sore bb's.  DH mentioned my bb's look big... All progesterone related.

Still doing 1cc PIO and 2 crinone/day.  My mom came over today to help and today is my last day of bedrest, thank goodness!  All you do on BR is obsess over every little thing!  I am sending my mom home with all my cheapo wandfo tests.  I don't want ANY temptations in the house!  Just getting them out of here relieves some stress for me!  I THINK I'm going to wait for BETA... which is next Friday.  Unless I get that I'm totally pregnant feeling! ;-)

In the mean time... I'm PREGNANT... until proven otherwise!!!

1dp6dt Transfer Eight

I was pretty tired when I went to bed last night, but woke up having dreams that my stomach was hurting.  Well it was!  I was have terrible AF like cramps at 3 am til about 6 am.  Now they are coming and going.  Is this normal?  I'm praying this is implantation cramps!  I'm tired, but thats because I couldn't sleep much with these cramps!  I finally got up at 5am so DH could sleep.  Other than that, my bb's are starting to get a little sore but I know that is progesterone related.

Praying this is a good sign!!!

Transfer Day!

The night before transfer I was calm and filled with peace (as I wrote in prev post).  I slept great, woke up refreshed, had a quiet time.  I have been loving my prayer life with the Lord.  I started journaling my prayers and it really helps me to focus and open up.  Anyway, we ate breakfast, got the kids ready for Disneyland, Nonna and Papa were taking them, and we were off!

We had to be there at 9am... then we waited.  At first this really irritated me about my new RE.  Always waiting, but then I realized it was because he was the best in the area and totally slammed!  So I changed my attitude and decided he was worth the wait.  We waited 1 hour and 40 min before being called back.  Thankfully I prepped Chris on the waiting, so he was able to work the whole time on his laptop. A little annoying, but okay because he was there with me.

Dr. P came in with a pic of our perfectly normal embryos.  He said they were completely hatched out of their shell but didn't give me any grades.  Apparently calling them 6's is old school.  This place is much more advanced than what I'm used to for sure!  He left for a few and came back in, prepped me,  inserted a catheter which I saw on the screen and said that another catheter would go through it carrying our embabes! It was so fast!  I saw two beautiful flashes and they were there, back to where they belong.

I laid there for about 15 minutes before I was sent back to the surgery center for another round of lipids.  I closed my eyes, listened to an IVF meditation on Youtube and rel

axed.

I came home and I'm now on three days of bedrest.  It was a perfect day... although I really missed my boys, I was thankful they were gone so I could rest in peace and let these little ones implant (hopefully!).  I keep hearing Pomegranate juice is so good for implantation so I made a mocktail of Cold pressed Pomegranate and San Pellegrino.  Very delicious!

I also did my first lovenox injection.  I heard it burns and it does!  It feels like menapur, so it wasn't SO bad, I just pushed it in slow. :)

 I will post my 1dpt on another post...

Transfer Eve...

Chris and I were just going over what number transfer this is.  He thinks its six I think its eight or I'm considering it the eighth!

Transfer ONE- IVF #1- My beautiful twins
Transfer TWO- IVF #2-FET 1- SET BFP low beta of 33, miscarried at 6 weeks.
Transfer THREE- FET 2-SET BFN
Transfer FOUR- FET 3- SET BFN
Transfer FIVE- FET 4- two embryos- BFP Beta 120ish - second Beta 89ish :(
Transfer SIX- Using my frozen eggs- embryo died. Didn't transfer, but I count it, bc it died day of transfer :(
Transfer SEVEN- IVF #3- Two beautiful 6aa blasts. started to implant then fizzed out.
Transfer EIGHT- PGS- Two blasts- ???

Looking at this is scary. Daunting. Heart wrenching for anyone to go through this.  I can't believe it was me!  This doesn't count the surgeries, IUI's, hundreds of injections, pills, thousands of dollars, and months TTC on our own!  I can ask why me God, but I already know the answer!  God has been using this to work big things in my heart.  I have always been one who can 'figure it out' to make it work.  This is the one thing in my life, I can't.  I have to rely totally on God.  I have no idea what the future holds, if we get our miracle(s), or not, if this will be our last transfer, or not.  But looking at this knowing what we did this cycle to make it work,  I can't imagine anything else will help it happen.

This cycle I feel like I have completely let go.  I had one or two days of anxiety about my progesterone.  But thank God, I got approval about doing the PIO and Corinne.  Other than that, I just stopped talking about it, not with my IRL friends, not with my bible study, I don't really want prayers... Okay I do really want prayers, but I don't really want to ask people I know!  I feel like I'm done with all that.  God knows my heart.  God knows the desires of my heart, and he also knows what is best for us.  This is it.  I'm at peace, totally calm about tomorrow.  I pray this peace will continue through the 2ww and beyond!

So, tomorrow, I have to be there at 9am.  After transfer I do another intralipids via IV. I start lovenox tomorrow night, a little scared about that because I heard it burns, and those bruises look terrible :(