CD 30

and still no Ovulation.  I LOVE PCOS... NOT!  Why is this happening!?  I upped my metformin to 2250mg and my cycle is longer than EVER!  I was Oing on CD 22-25 on 1500mg.  This so does not make sense. 

The good news is I went in to see my new RE today... Dr R.  He did an ultrasound to first see if I could be PREGNANT!  I laughed at the thought of that.  "Nope.. I haven't even ovulated!"  He asked how I knew and I responded that I did OPK's.  It is somewhat true.  The truth is that I took my temp and it was 96.7 in the AM.  If I've ovulated it would be over 98.  For some reason, doctors won't take you serious if you say that you just took your temp.

So he looked at the lining of my uterus and it was at 9.6mm; kind of thick.  Of course my ovaries were covered in follicals, but I had 2 bigger ones, one on each side measuring at about 11 mm.  So, my eggs were getting ripe just takin so dang long!  I guessed it would have been another week or two til I ovulated (because I always do on my own just late).  I don't think it is all that healthy to have these long cycles so I'm going to take provera for the next 10 days.  Otherwise it could have been a month until I started my next cycle.  So frustrating!

On another note... I'm doing much better than the other day!  I had to cry it out and then just move forward.  I love how crying can make you feel better :)

Ugh!

I just need to vent.  I have had an emotional day.  Not really anyone I know can relate to what I'm feeling at the moment, which only makes matters worse (Thank God for this BLOG).  I just kinda feel empty right now, which is the complete opposite of what I've been feeling for the past few weeks (aka on fire for Jesus! LOL).  Anyways, I have been so excited about my small group... lots of women, hopefully going to meet some amazing Christian friends, excited about the topic, etc.  Well it was all going well until today.  I went to what felt like a mom's group rather than a womens bible study. UGH!  So frustrating.    Yes, many of the questions were related to the bible, how we deal with life, etc., but the leader kept saying "what have attitudes do you want your children to learn from you" or "what have your children taught you ... CHILDREN, CHILDREN, CHILDREN (thats all I could hear after a bit)!"  I'm like I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN KIDS LADY!!!   Obviously I did not say that.  But I did feel like screaming it and walking out.  The only reason I didn't was because I would look like a RAGING LUNATIC! ha!  Its sad, I'm sad. I feel like crying I'm so sad.  Part of me never wants to go back to this group, but I know I should because that is exactly what the devil would want.  Part of me wants to say something privately to the group leader about how she phrases the questions and if she could be a little more  sensitive to the INFERTILE of the group, but I know that is not technically fair since that is what the MAJORITY of the women are dealing with... children.  I'm not really sure what to do.  Prayer would be good... for you prayer warriors out there, please pray for me that God gives me the strength and the wisdom to get through this and so that I may have a better attitude during the meetings.  I know its not their fault.  They cannot help that they have children (One lady actually had her baby there!), they can't help that God has blessed them with the ability to concieve (so easily?).  Blah blah blah.  Ok I'm done.  That is my venting for the day.  I really needed to get this of my chest and talk to someone... anyone! ha!  I'm not sure there are even many readers, but this is me...being real.... venting.  Advice?  Would love some!!

5 weeks and 1 day....

since I've had a glass of wine.  Man, has it been good!  I never thought I would say that.  I love(d) wine and everything associated with it... good food paired with a fine glass of Pinot Nior, friends and socializing, relaxing after a long day, etc.  However, God has been doing amazing things in my life through this.  I'm not sure, but it seems as if God couldn't give me all the blessings that he has for my until I gave that part of my life to him.  My walk with God is getting stronger and I'm feeling more like the woman God has created me to be.  I have the desire to get involved in church and do things that are positive that don't revolve around drinking socially.  I don't feel like hanging out at places where that is a primary focus.  Instead, I am putting my efforts to get to know people who want to serve the Lord.

I joined a woman's bible study that started on Thursday.  I am sooo excited about it.  I am excited that this is where God wants me to be.  I am excited that I am beginning to meet people with the same desires I have.  I also decided to serve in the decorations team for the woman's conference (which was today!).  I helped make the table center pieces and set up the stage.  It was really fun... good clean sober fun! LOL.

Not that I feel that people shouldn't drink, or that it is wrong, or that I will never drink again.  I don't know when/if I will.  I do know that this is what God is calling me to do and I'm finally listening.  It feels amazing.

Recently I had someone who wanted to pray over me because she found out that C and I have been struggling with IF.  She does intercessory prayer, which means she intercedes for the Holy Spirit when praying.  It was quite the experience.  I thought that she was going to just lay hands and pray that I get pregnant (God willing).  However, it ended up that I needed to forgive some people.  We spent well over an hour her leading me in forgiveness.  Once we were done, it as if was a huge weight had been lifted.  I guess sometimes God does not give us his blessings when we are holding onto unforgiveness.  She said that many people have gotten pregnant soon after prayers like this.  I am being cautiously optimistic.  I do feel like C and I are on a fresh start with so many avenues in our lives right now, but again, we shall see.

On a separate note... I am a little bummed because I'm CD23, and no O.  Ugh!  I thought that with the new upped Met dose my cycles would regulate. Its frustrating because I would like to start with my new RE!  Patience is a virtue!

Conviction...

is a blessing.  I have struggeled through out my life with "living in the world" and "living for God."  As a teenager, I wasn't even sure there was a God.  I led my life for the moment, not thinking about the consequences of my actions.  And there were PLENTY of consequences.  I believe, as any Christian, we all have battles... our own weaknesses.  For the past year, I have felt a strong conviction, but have not either wanted or been ready to "deal" with it.  I knew what God was asking me to do and I have made many excuses why I shouldn't listen.  I finally listened.

It has been over three weeks since I have had any alcohol.  I know I sound like an alcoholic.  I'm not.  I would enjoy a glass of wine with a nice dinner (especially Italian), a cocktail on vacation, etc.  Its not that I think there is something wrong with Christians who drink, I just know that God is asking me to stop for what ever reason, right now.  I am not sure where this is going to go either.  Is it forever?  Not sure.  But for now... No VINO!  I have lost that desire.

I feel very good about it.  I actually feel more connected with God than I have in a long time.  I know God has wanted me to do this for a while.

Many of our friends are not christians.  That has been the other battle.  "Birds of a feather flock together," my mom would always say.  Its so true.  It is extremely difficult to stay on the right path when you are with people who have no path.  Finding friends that you connect with, let alone Christian friends (especially ones that are in a similar place (no kids)), is so hard!  We both feel as though we are in this limbo or imbetween stage.  I would say that 95% of our friends either have one child, or one on the way.

I joined a womens bible study which starts next week.  I am super excited and praying that God brings good Christian women in my life... and hopefully lasting friendships! 

Photography class...

I am super excited!  I started a photography class today on "photographing people!"  I am super excited about that and can't wait to learn some new skills.

3rd opinion...

went much better!  I went to Reproductive Partners because I have heard SUCH great things.  I had to change medical groups to see this Doctor, but in LA magazine he was rated "top doctor!"  They have offices in Beverly Hills, Redondo Beach, Westminister, and La Jolla.  C and I met with Dr. Rosen.  He is AMAZING!  He is so honest, kind, and very thorough.  He really educated us on our past experiences, present and what our future options are.  C and I both had really good vibes from him and we both feel like we can trust him with our TTC future :-)  He walked us through our options... IVF or starting over with Clomid.  He said we should have started with that from the beginning.  Not sure why we were pushed to injections/IUI.  Because of our ages... 29 and 31, he feels that we should not necesarily rush to IVF.  This is why I don't trust all RE's!  Sometimes I feel like they push that because it makes the most $$.  I am really glad we went to see Dr. Rosen.

He didn't push one way or another, it was up to us to decide.  We both felt that we should start with a "clean slate" with Dr. R.  IVF is so final. We are only going to do two to three cycles of clomid and thats it... give it one last chance.  The good news is that I feel very good about this change, not stressed about clomid not working, it is also less invasive than injectables and less time consuming (less dr visits, bloodwork, etc.).  I am not necessarily hopeful it will work, but I am open to it :)

As for C's seman analysis...Dr R really wasn't that concerned because he had SUCH high numbers and motility, which is a relief!  He does want him to start taking vitamins and fish oil (everyone should!) and he wants to do another S/A.  We are also going to do a postcoital test,
which "checks a woman's cervical mucus after sex to see whether sperm are present and moving normally. This test may be used if a woman is not able to become pregnant (infertility) and other tests have not found a cause."  Dr. D never did that, he just pushed IUI.

Once we decided on our next plan of action I emailed Dr. R and recieved this in response...

"Sara - If you want to start this cycle, we could start you tomorrow, day 6 of your cycle (starting day 3-6 is equally good but we try to start everyone on day 5) or we can wait til next cycle.

If you want to start this cycle, please call our Westminster office, 714-702-3000, and set it up.  I will forward this to both the front office staff and the MD on call that day, Dr. Cassidenti.

Your chart is in Redondo but the computer has all my notes.

Let me know and good luck (PLUS: great decision)

Dr. Rosen"

This made me feel VERY good.  I feel like we made the right decision.  IVF may still be in our future, but at least now we have a fresh start, with a new plan, and a great new RE.  I am looking forward to it!

We decided to take another month off.  I didn't want to rush into anything and feel the pressure that comes with IF treatments.  I want to be in a good place.  Plus I needed to get my medical all lined up, switch groups, get referral, etc., otherwise we would be paying out of pocket... not fun!

Met with a new RE...

today.  It went well.  She took one look at the SA and said "this is a problem."  However, she was shocked that a second SA wasn't done.  All over my papers all that was stated was "pcos/uterine sepum," not "male factor," which means it was completely over looked.  Dr. A also stated that the majority of the time when it comes to IVF, both partners have the problem, not just one.  I carried this burden all last year and up until this point.   I went through 7 months of acupuncture every week, cut coffee, alcohol, slowed my exercise, battled with depression, etc.  I don't even care about the loss in thousands of dollars, but the emotional toll it took on me.  Horrible!

She wants C to do another SA, of course, but it will be very extensive.  She will culture it to make sure there isn't an infection, recheck the morphology, etc.  One thing really cool about this office is that they have an open lab.  She would want C to come and watch and see his lil swimmers on the screen.  I think thats pretty cool.  She said the person who runs the lab is someone with a Phd., not a tech or something.  They have had no mix ups here because of the individualized attention they give each patient.  She was pretty appauled at the lack of further testing Dr. D's office did on both of us.

If we go through the IVF process she would suggest ICSI, if his SA came back with the same result.  Good news is that sperm change month to month and she has some good suggestions for him...

• "Take a multivitamin. A daily multivitamin can help provide selenium, zinc and folic acid — trace nutrients that are important for optimal sperm production and function.
• Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. These foods are rich in antioxidants, which may help improve sperm health.
• Reduce stress. Stress might interfere with certain hormones needed to produce sperm. Stress can also decrease sexual function.
• Get regular exercise. Physical activity is good for reproductive health as well as your overall health. But don't overdo it. Men who exercise to exhaustion show a temporary change in hormone levels and a drop in sperm quality.
• Watch your weight. Too much or too little body fat may disrupt production of reproductive hormones, which can reduce your sperm count and increase your percentage of abnormal sperm. You're most likely to produce lots of high-quality sperm if you maintain a healthy weight.

• Watch out for toxins. Experts think certain workplace and household substances might have an effect on sperm quantity and quality. These include heavy metals used in industrial workplaces, pesticides and chemicals in solvents. Use protective clothing, proper ventilation and face masks to reduce the risk of absorbing such toxins.
• Quit using tobacco. The sperm of men who smoke may be misshapen and may move more slowly than those of nonsmokers. Smoking can also damage your sperm's DNA. Experts suspect such damage could even affect a baby's growth and development and increase a child's chance of having certain health problems, including cancer. And chewing tobacco isn't safe either — it also may cause low sperm counts and damage. As if that weren't enough, tobacco use can increase erectile dysfunction. Research shows men who both smoke and drink alcohol have lower sperm counts and motility than do men with either habit alone.
• Limit alcohol. Heavy drinking may reduce the quality and quantity of sperm. Limit alcohol to no more than one or two drinks a day. The combination of tobacco and alcohol is particularly harmful.
• Steer clear of illicit drugs. Marijuana can decrease sperm density and motility and increase the number of abnormal sperm. Cocaine and opiates can contribute to erectile dysfunction, and amphetamines can decrease sex drive.
• Skip the tub. To maximize the quality and quantity of your sperm, avoid hot tubs and baths. Spending more than 30 minutes in water 102 F (40 C) or above may lower your sperm count. Saunas and steam rooms may have a similar effect.
• Avoid hormone havoc. Anabolic steroids, usually taken illegally, can shrink the testicles and drastically reduce fertility. Anti-androgens used to treat prostate enlargement and cancer interfere with sperm production. Testosterone supplements also decrease fertility.
• Stay cool. Increased scrotal temperature can hurt sperm production. Experts know that hot work environments, tight underpants, prolonged sitting and use of laptop computers can all increase scrotal temperature. They are still studying how these activities affect fertility." (sited from the MayoClinic).

We'll see... I have another appointment on Tuesday with one more!  I have already spoken with him on the phone and he is SUPER nice!!