Mental Health...

About two hours from where we live is the mountains. Right now they are beautiful... covered in snow! I've been watching these mountains for the last few weeks, when the clouds would disappear for a moment. It got me thinking a lot about the past...

The first time I put on ski's I was two years old. I have been on the slopes ever since. In 8th grade I tried snowboarding. I got the hang of it the first day, but then broke my wrist on the "last run." I didn't quit. I continued trying... got a brusied tail bone, concussion (they really need to enforce helmets!), etc. I fell in love. I am now 29 years old, which means I've been riding for 15ish years... crazy!

Today was the first day up this year. C played "hooky," I had the day off for semester break (I teach high school health... not sure I've ever mentioned that!). It was so much fun! The snow was great and I flew done that mountain! C was doing so much better, only fell twice! I've been teaching him since we started dating. I am very proud of him... especially since we haven't been up in a year! However, I don't laugh as much. I know this sounds mean, but it was so funny watching him fall all the time! I still smoke him down the hill though :)

I was just thinkin how taking a forced break from TTC has been really good for us. We have been more spontanious, adventurous, active, etc... all good for the mental health! Instead of thinking that we are taking a TTC break, I am going to consider this a MENTAL HEALTH BREAK!

Snowboarding was a very challenging sport to learn, but I never gave up. I pushed through the pain and faced some of my fears. Its a lot like IF, there is a lot to learn, A LOT of pain, A LOT to be afraid of, and I'm not giving up. The only difference between the two, is that with snowboarding we rely a lot on ourselves to keep going and with IF we need to rely on GOD.

To try or not to try...

Well I'm CD24. I am getting close to O, hopefully it will be a little sooner this cycle, since I'm on the Met now. The last two cycles I O'd on CD30, which made my cycles 43days each. But the question is, do we try for baby even though my septum is back and I'm scheduled for surgery in exactly 32 days? If we do try and get pregnant, what if I miscarry or worse, have preterm labor later on? Chances are, since I have NEVER been pregnant, I will NOT get pregnant this cycle.

My other thought is if I did get pregnant, it would be a miracle and maybe that baby is meant to be. I just don't want to do anything that will make this waiting process any longer... because I am SUPER excited to get this surgery over with. That is my rambling for the day. I have to get my thoughts out some where... my husband can only handle so much!

I am also SUPER excited because Chris made 'Presidents Club' at work! He is being awarded with a trip to South Beach... and I'm able to go because of when my surgery is! We were worried that the timing would be bad, but we leave on March 10th, 13 days after my surgery. I will just be getting that balloon out and will hopefully be feeling good.

Right now, since we are not officially ttc, I am back working out, hoping to tone up a bit so I'm not completely embarrassed to get in a bathing suit then.

We found our dream home yesterday! It has been so hard deciding where we want to move next. Currently we live in a tri-level town home that is sooo not kid friendly. But, if we got PG by next April, our baby(ies) would be due in January and then that gives us another year before they start walking to save up enough money for a big down payment.

We have been watching these homes for a while. It is a new housing track in a awesome location by the beach. This is going to be one of the last new home developments in the area. There are parks and plenty of trails that take you through a preserved area, great for bird watching!

Yesterday we took Oliver (my pup) down through the trails. It was such a beautiful day after being inside for a week because of the rain! It is nice to have a plan and a focus on what we want for our future! Now, all we need are some babes to bring along!

So, since I'm a planner, and I like to know what to expect with all this ttc stuff. I figured out all my upcoming dates:

Feb. 25 surgery, Get on estrogen patches
March 8 Get balloon out of my uterus
March 10 Leave for South Beach!
March 18 get off estrogen patches
March 21 start Period
March 23 start folllistim
April 5ish trigger/IUI


Yea!!!! I am praying this is it!

Another one...

After driving 3 1/2 hours to get home... I officially do NOT like the rain! I drive 30 miles to and from work each day which takes me 1 hour. This was officially the worst drive home in the history of my job... 3 years!

Once I arrived home, we had a message from the city of Huntington Beach... "Severe weather condintions... please drive slowly... come get sand bags..." No sh*t its severe! It took me forever to drive home, people really listened and DROVE SLOW!!! I went 10 miles in 2 HOURS!

I am officially taking tomorrow off. Tomorrow the BIG storm is supposed to come! Californian's are not cut out for this... ugh.

OH!!! By the way, my nurse FINALLY called and I am scheduled to have my SECOND septum resection on February 25! That is my dad's birthday, so hopefully it will bring us luck! I am having to wait so long because my cycles are so dang long (surgery has to be between days 6-11 of the cycle)!

My friend "G"

A good friend of mine, who I'll call "G," has also gone through so much with getting pregnant... including doctors not knowing what the he** they are doing... is finally VERY pregnant! She has officially reached 5 months and looks wonderfully pregnant, something I find completely and utterly beautiful. Actually, I don't think she's ever looked more beautiful. She definitely has the pregnancy glow. Anyways, after two miscarriages and four years of not knowing why they couldn't conceive, she is finally very happily pregnant. I am so happy for her!

At first it was weird talking the pregnancy with G. I knew how long she and her husband tried, but it was still hard hearing about her symptoms. Ultimately, I was thrilled when she called me to tell me she was pregnant. G had been trying 3 years longer than I... she deserves to get that blessing. She is also one of those cases where they had "quit" trying and it happened. They were originally diagnosed "unexplained," but early last year found out it was PCOS. I still don't understand how so many doctors are uneducated on what seems like an epidemic, but that’s for another entry. She was never put on Metformin, never did fertility meds, but instead prayed... patiently prayed. She is someone who inspires me through IF. She had the courage and the patients to wait on God.

It is something that is a CONSTANT challenge... waiting. Praying... and waiting. Well, my friend G had told her mom about my latest news. It just so happened that last week, G's moms work (a church) was having a week of prayer and fasting. Her mom decided to pray and fast for Chris and I. G called me later in the week to tell me that God had revealed some things to her mom... God wants to do Miracles in our lives, but we need to draw close to him so that he will be glorified through it. That was exactly what I needed to hear. It brought me back to reality... brought me back of again, giving IF to the Father. I don't need to be in control, He is in control. The burden is lifted again.

After reflecting on what G’s mom said, I began considering ways to “draw closer to God.” How do I do that? Well Chris (who is not a big reader and doesn’t have a personal devotional time) and I decided one way that we can do that is to read one Psalm and one Proverb a day together. It is simple, quick, and they are really inspiring and uplifting. We also say a prayer regarding what we read and what ever we feel led to pray at that time… so far so good. I really enjoy it and truly hope it not only strengthens our relationship with the Father, but also with eachother.

Tornado warning moves from Long Beach to Orange County

This is technically my post from yesterday but I am just adding it now...

This is nuts!! It has been thundering and lightning the last couple days with so much rain! My husband just called me at work to tell me Seal Beach has a Tornado warning and he may have to evacuate! What the heck???

I am deathly afraid of tornado's, I have nightmares about them! I'm from So Cal and we don't do good with weather. Earthquakes, bring em on! Tornado's??? We don't have basements here.

The Big 2-9

Not sure where to start... its been a crazy week!

Last weekend started bad and ended bad, but had a very good middle. I found out Friday that I was about to repeat last years events. Friday I spent most of my day in utter shock and talking about my news to everyone I know... mom, Chris, mom, Chris, mom-in-law, Chris, Gina, mom, Chris, Brenda, brothers, Chris... including some repeaters. Obviously it is how I process things.. talk it out! I think that is one thing that separates women from men, women have to verbalize to process men just like to fix the problem... wham bam done! We analyze, reanalyze and then start the process over again until we are satisfied. Infertility makes this grueling... for my husband! But I will get to that later!

Saturday, I went to acupuncture then went shopping with my girl friend, Mo. I had to find a dress for my birthday dinner... the birthday I no longer felt like celebrating! I had too much on my mind. Anyways, we went to South Coast Plaza and I could not find a thing to wear. Everything I tried either on made me feel like a whale or it was the wrong color, wrong size, or wrong for the event! It also didn't help that I was crampy and EXTREMELY bloated from the hysteroscopy the day prior and was in NO MOOD for shopping. I ended up leaving with no dress, no cute heals, but a pair of black skinny jeans that I wasn't even sure was appropriate for our "date" since its a surprise.

After being rushed home by Mo, she was more worried I was on time than I was, Chris gave me a guilt trip for not spending the day with him. I hadn't seen Mo in what seemed like forever and I couldn't believe he was giving me a hard time since he sent me to find a dress and we were about to spend the whole night together... alone!

We ended up laying in bed for a bit, making some good ole fashion love (since all we do is baby make now), and then contemplating just staying in with a bottle of vino! He slowly talked me out of it.

I took a shower, did my hair and make up, threw on my skinny jeans, black flowy top (so the bloating wouldn't show), and stiletto's that Mo let me borrow... felt sexy again... and were on our way.

I still had no idea where he was taking me. We pulled up to a familiar place... Prego's in Irvine. We had been there years ago for drinks. I thought it was weird he was taking me there... nothing special. The place was empty, I told the hostess "at least we'll get good service!" She walked us to the patio where Chris requested and low and behold... "SURPRISE!" All of my family and friends were there for my 29th Birthday! Complete and utter shock!

It was PERFECT timing. Exactly what I needed to get out of my funky mood. We had so much fun. We had a champagne toast as soon as I greeted everyone. There was a DJ. Dinner was yummy, desserts galore and then the staff sang Happy Birthday in Italian (my passion, my heart)! After dinner (and a couple glasses of wine), we danced! My mom totally rocked out! So much FUN!

After I opened gifts, and said good bye to everyone, my friends, brother and I went over to Reds.. an OC club. I danced all night! Most people celebrate 30 big, 29 was perfect, since hopefully, our lives will be different in a year... God willing.

On a side note, I had no clue about this party! The last few weeks I thought my husband was being weird, checking my phone a lot. I finally said something a couple days prior. "Your being wierd... why do you keep checking my phone?" Also, on the way to the party, I mentioned to him that this would be the perfect time to throw me a surprise party... I would have no idea. Another thing, everyone kept making a HUGE deal about my bday this year. I didn't get it. I think my friends and family tried to THROW ME OFF by asking what I'm doing. Pretty funny.

Anyways, later that night I took the Metformin on an empty stomach at 1am since I forgot to bring it with me... bad idea. The following morning I woke up fine. Really hungry. At about 11 am the nausea started. By 1pm, I was throwing up in the bathroom. I have NEVER thrown up from drinking. I didn't even drink that much. It HAD to be the Met. Never again.

It took me two more days of Nausea to fully recover. I went back to work on Monday. The party wore off and the depression set in. All week I was depressed. It hit me that it was happening because all I wanted to do is sleep. I went to bed at 8 every night and woke up EXHAUSTED every day. By Thursday, I just wanted to cry. Mo text me to see how I was and how I liked my bday.. I replied, I'm depressed. She is such a good friend, she called me back immediately and invited me to go to cycling. Just what I needed. Cycling class was full, but we ended up doing 60 min of cardio anyways. I need those endorphins! My mental health needs it!

Since we are on a TTC break til after my surgery, I figured I can go back to the gym. Mo and I made it to cycling the following day. I felt a little better. Today Chris and I went to the gym and hit some weights then took Oliver on a long walk to the park. Things are starting to look up!

As for my surgery that I thought would happen this week, I am still waiting for insurance approval. I should hear something by Tuesday. I am so ready to get this over with!

Good News and Bad News...

Which do you want first?? Well I will give you the bad news since that is what I got first... My uterine septum grew back! I was laying there on the table with Chris holding my hand, looking at the TWO cavities of my uterus. My other hand was on my head as I was holding back the tears. I had read about this recently, although I didn't quite believe it. I had found virtually no literature on it. The only thing I found was on yahoo answers. It was a girl saying it happened to her... I don't believe EVERYTHING I read on the internet ;-) Maybe I should?

Doctor D. wants to have surgery again next week! Ugh! Here comes the good news... this is why my AMAZING follistim cycle in September didn't work. He says "We have a short window of opportunity to get you pregnant." I go in for surgery next week, we will try follistim in February once I'm healed. If that doesn't work, IVF in March. This does answer a LOT of prayers. Now we Know how SCREWED up my uterus is, we don't have a lot of time or options.

I asked about getting pregnant next time... he said "hopefully, your uterus will stretch out so we don't have to keep doing surgery. But we will do a hysteroscopy each time to make sure." It will be okay to keep doing the surgery I guess, my uterus walls look fabulous with no scar tissue.

Back on the TTC path again... I guess I love my RE... Dr. D's got my back ;-)

Hysteroscopy day...

Well today's the day! I took a day off of work because I go for my hysteroscopy at 11:15. I started my antibiotics yesterday and then I take them till tomorrow. I am going to make sure my uterus has healed correctly since I had my surgery (removal of the septum) last April. I'm am about 99.9% sure it has. I honestly believe that the missing piece of the puzzle was the Metformin. I have been reading so many amazing things from people who have taken it. For example, one girl went through 4 1/2 years of of ttc, doing every kind of fertility treatment all gave her a BFN (so sad!). Then the doctor gave her metformin, then BAM (!) pregnant two months later! Here is a link to the success stories :

http://www.soulcysters.net/metformin-success-stories-193442/

It REALLY pisses me off! There has been so much research stating that all pcos'rs benefit from met. It NEEDS to be protocol! Why is there a lack of information for doctors? Why do I need to be my own self advocate to get the RIGHT things done? Some how in some way, the word needs to be spread. Too many women are suffering, not getting the information and help they need with their (unexplained?) symptoms! Its Bull shit!

I am happy that there are websites such as Soulcysters, that provide us women with support. It has definitely benefited me from reading.

On a different note, Dr. D wants to do and IVF consultation after my hysteroscopy. I am going to listen with an open mind, but tell him that Chris and I plan to give the Met 6 months... that would bring us to May. I started Metformin on 12/7/09. And BTW, since I have bumped it up to 1500 mg a couple weeks ago, I feel FABULOUS!!! I am beginning to have more energy, I am less hungry and I have lost almost 3lbs!!! I feel like my body is starting to function like a NORMAL human being!!!

I have goals for this new year (which I am feeling soooo optimistic about!). I am turning 29 on Sunday, Jan. 10. I can not wait to be 29, I am ready for 28 to be over it was a difficult year. 29 is going to bring new and exciting things... I just feel it! My New Years resolution is to GET PREGNANT! I know that is not COMPLETELY in my control, but I am planning on doing everything in my power. Here is what I'm doing now:

1) Walking every day (No gym, toned down my workouts)
2) Weights at home (2-3 days/week)
3) Low GI diet (easy and yummy!) (Book: The New Glucose Revolution by Jennie Brand-
Miller... given to me by my dietitian)
4) 3 fish oils w/ breakfast
5) prenatal
6) Vitamin D3
7) Calcium
8) 1500 mg Metformin with dinner
9) Acupuncture (once a week) and Chinese herbs (everyday)
10) Breathing exercises to lower cortisol (from dietitian)

That's it! Bring on 2010!!