I caved... FET #3

Stark freaken white.

I know my body too well.

9dp5dt... FET#3

As of yesterday, all symptoms, are gone.  No cramps, no sore bbs (well at least no more sore than they were), nothing is noticeable anymore.  I have to admit, I'm feeling completely let down.  I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach saying, "this didn't work."

Before yesterday, I had the "I'm 90% sure this DID work," feeling. Why!? Why!? Why is this so dang hard.  Why does this hurt so bad?  It is so true that no matter where you are in your journey, if you have one kid, two kids, or however many, any amount of IF really hurts.  My heart feels broken once again.

I really needed to cry this morning. I did.  I felt better.  For some reason my mind keeps going back to this image...

"The Child Who Was Never Born" by Martin Hudeceka

My heart is heavy. For all of us.

I have not POAS, so I know I don't have a definitive answer, but I am not optimistic.  I'm sorry for being so down and depressed.

The one time I want to be bloated (my one real definitive symptom), my stomach is as flat as a board.

6dp5dt... FET #3!

Today marks the day I got my BFP for FET #1, and the day I tested last month. This month, I have no desire to test. I have no desire to see a pink line, since there is no guarantee there will be a strong BETA. I also don't want to see another BFN, I would want to quit all my meds again! I was an emotional wreck last month... And the month I saw pink lines. I don't know how some of you do it, each and every cycle. I'm am done with the POAS... For now! I even have two FRER's sitting in my bathroom and I'm not tempted in the least.

When I knew l was going to do PIO shots, I also vowed not to symptom spot, since I knew my symptoms would be different and probably stronger. However, it is so hard not to pay attention to everything. I can feel things that are different, and that gives me hope!

The past weekend end was crazy busy, sorry I didn't update! We spent the day at the beach for my nieces 14th birthday (where does the time go?!). I remember when she was born, I was studying abroad in Florance, Italy. I received the email of her beautiful picture and cried! She was so cute and is really turning into such a wonderful young lady (that makes me sound old, but it's true!).

My "symptoms"

3dp5dt- really sore bb's (PIO), crampy, in a melancholy mood. Just relaxed on the beach watching the wave while my parents played with my boys in the waves. It was so nice. It the morning I was super grumpy with C and the boys, but that went away.

4sp5dt- Randomly decided to take basal body temp ... 98.6!  I was irritable again. Super tired, bb's sore, and crampy. These cramps are really throwing me off. I've never had them so bad! It makes me a little worried, but I've also read positive stories with cramps. I had NO sex drive. We are NOT BDing until heartbeat, but I also need to take care of C... I was super grumpy about it. Not in the mood AT ALL!

5dp5dt- in a much better mood today. I woke up at 5, had to pee and could not fall back asleep, but laid there til 630. Took BBT again... 99.0!! That is the highest it has ever been for me! I retook it four times to be sure. All morning I felt to hot like a hot flash. Gagged while brushing teeth. Super duper crampy in the afternoon, felt like period cramps. Gagged while cleaning off the boys lunch plate of leftover hummus. So odd for me. BB's a little less sore? Not sure. Also INCREASED sex drive. Really wanted the BD, but knew we shouldn't... Poor C!

6dp5dt- woke up having the most vivid sex dream, ever! It was so REAL! I've read about that happening to people, but I never understood it... Until now! Maybe it's because we can't BD?! Took temp... 99.1!!!! What?!?! Retook it 4 times and then took C's to make sure my thermometer was working... His was 97.7! I'm not sick at all. I had some light cramps in the morning, but now I feel fine. My bb's are less sore but still full.  My low back is a little achy this afternoon and I'm still really crampy.  I even thought about taking a tylenol, but I know these are period cramps.

That is it for symptoms! This week has been crazy. My poor dog, Oliver, tore his ACL on Saturday. We think from jumping off our back yard table. Didn't see it. He is having surgery tomorrow morning. Please pray for him. He is my first born, my baby :(

Staying Busy! 2dp5dt... FET#3

Well, today I was off bedrest and today I was BUSY!  I had almost no time to obsess over my symptoms... or google!

That is the key to the 2WW... STAY BUSY!!  Time will fly by :)

This morning I rushed my twins to their regular Friday swim lesson.  They have been going since they were 13 months old.  I am so happy that I've been consistent with them because they are now better swimmers than me at three years old!  They now swim with big arms, know the back stroke, and are working on side breathing.  Next year, at 4 1/2 I plan to put them on the swim team!  Its really amazing seeing them swim and I am so glad they are water safe!  I highly recommend everyone with kids to find a swim school that teaches water safety, i.e. floating on the back first!

After that, I had to RUSH home because I realized I FORGOT to put my E2 patches back on after the shower!  I was freaking out... just a little bit! I probably had them off 1 hour total, so I know I didn't wreck anything, but still!  Oops!

We headed to the protected wetlands after our stop at home, to explore nature and go for a walk.  It is 5 min from our house and the boys love it.  It is where the ocean comes in, fish lay eggs, birds nest, there are all kinds of sea creatures, etc.  One time a dolphin got trapped in there and had to get rescued!

Here are a few pics from our day...

Maximus Matteo finding little sea creatures

Rocco and Maximus, my big boys!  I love how they hold hands!

Throwing rocks and searching for crabs :)

After that we went on a little day date for lunch.  Just us three... and my pooch Oliver!  It was such good quality time.

We went home to rest up a bit before C came home to take us fishing!  We have a little lake in our city, it is called Central Park, but we aren't in NYC obviously, but I do love where we live.

Maximus

Rocco and Daddy 

Mommy and Maximus :)

We literally live 5 min from the lake and Rocco was asleep before we were home.  It is hit or miss with the naps lately,  but today he obviously needed one.  He was OUT!  I laid him on the couch, fed the rest of us, put jammy's on him and he didn't even wake up!  I had BOTH boys asleep before 7PM... a record!

2dp5dt symptoms...

Not too many, but I am still having a lot of cramping, which surprises me!  Can that be from the progesterone?  I really only felt it when I was sitting, driving, etc. but they were pretty consistent today. My bb's are HUGE and SORE.  We'll see if they continue.  

I saw that in my pregnancy with my boys, they were super sore, then got less sore, then got SUPER DUPER sore... bloating is my real giveaway.  I know its too early for anything HCG wise.  I love this timeline...

This is what happens in a 3 day transfer:

1 day post transfer - embryo is growing and developing
2  days post transfer - Embryo is now a blastocyst
3 days post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5 days post transfer - Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &  fetal cells
8 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

This is what happens in a 5 day (blastocyst) transfer:

1 day post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3 days post transfer - Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
8 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
9 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Keeps things into perspective! :)

FET #3 Transfer Day! 1dp5dt

Transfer yesterday was probably the best it has ever gone.  I mean, they didn't go bad before, but yesterday, was a whole new level!

My mom came with me to transfer, because C wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it.  He had meetings that were planned a month ago.  It was with a big client.  I wasn't upset, but sad for him not to be there.  He mentioned that morning that there was a slim chance he would be able to make it if his meeting got done in time.  Mom and I were sitting in the waiting room and low and behold, C walks in just in time!  I was so surprised! I needed my mom there regardless so she could drive me home... a had my valium to relax ;)

After I was all strapped in, cleaned up, the embryologist came in, I told him my name, and he told me the blast, our 4AB, was doing extremely well and was already expanding (getting ready to hatch, but not hatching yet!).  Dr. Amin did my transfer.  I really love her!  She is very sweet.  Anyway, she seemed to be EXTRA careful.  She put the catheter in, waited for 2 min to ensure my uterus was not contracting, dropped our beautiful 4AB, waiting another min or two before removing the catheter.  I got a GREAT shot of our little emby...

We waited 10 minutes.  Got up, peed, kissed C goodbye and my mom drove me home.  I had another friend, L, helping with the boys.  Mom took over once we got home.  I went strait to my bed while she made lunch for all of us.

Rocco, Maximus and Mom all fell asleep on the couch down stairs after swimming, while I got some Zzzz's upstairs.  My mom came in at 5pm saying she just woke up!  So funny!

I was feeling crampy yesterday, a good sign for me and my bb's are already getting big and sore... another good sign my P4 is working, finally!

Today 1dp5dt

I decided that complete bedrest (like I did for FET #2 and got a BFN) was not for me!  Plus my boys needed to get out of the house and burn energy or they are wild ban chi's!  So, I did NO picking up, got them ready and took them to gymnastics class, where I sit and watch.  It was perfect!  Then we got home, ate lunch (I have no help today), and went and floated in the hot tub (set at 95 degrees).  It was awesome!

Symptoms so far: Really crampy today, they are light cramps, but definitely noticeable, and of course sore bb's from PIO

Also, I VOW to NOT test early this time.  It makes me a crazy woman... I cannot do that to my hubby :(

One more thing, my left side/hip/thigh area has gone numb I'm sure from PIO!  Has this happened to anyone before?  It feels really strange.  I must have hit a nerve or something!?

I will leave you with a pic of my lovely shot.  YES that needle has to go  ALL THE WAY IN.

Pain in my a*$... Wonderful PIO shots!

Today is day three of PIO, and today was my first time giving the shot MYSELF! Ouch!  My lovely husband passes out at the site at needles and cannot give them to me.  The last two days, we went camping up in Big Bear with my parents so I had my nurse momma give them to me! What a relief ;) Her shots didn't hurt a bit actually, it just took a long time to push the oil in. Yesterday, my bum was already feeling the effects.  I am already sore!

I knew today was coming.  It took me a few minutes to get enough courage to give the shot.  I've had to do this twice before with trigger, and now every day! ugh!  However, I was shocked that it didn't hurt at all!  Its the size of the needle that is so scary!  I am a little sore and I was told to use heat so the oil doesn't ball up

So far, I am not feeling any effect of the progesterone, or the estrogen.  However, I'm sure I put on 5 lb's since starting this journey (thank you hormones!).  Its all worth it though, if I can get my take home baby... I can't wait for that day!

Last week, I ended up going to visit my sister-in-law's Grandmother, D, who is a prayer warrior, and also prayed for me prior to getting pregnant with my boys.  It was amazing.  She anointed me with oil, and we prayed!  I felt the Holy Spirit.  We prayed for the Lords will in this baby making journey, our marriage, my boys, my uterus, etc... it was very refreshing.  I left there feeling great!  I am so happy I was able to do this again!

Friday was my ultrasound to check lining, it was 11mm, which I believe, is a great thickness, they want it minimally 8mm.

Wednesday, is transfer day... AGAIN!  Unfortunately my hubby cannot go! Boo!  My mom will be going with me this time, which is okay too!  I love my mom!

Here are some pics from the weekend camping trip...

Gluten-free graham crackers, vegan all natural marshmallows, and organic dark chocolate! YUM! 

Stroll around the campground!  It was so beautiful and peaceful!

C and I playing cards with the family

R & M SOOOO excited to be camping in a tent!

R & M following "stink bug tracks and bear tracks"  I love this age and their imagination!

Ooooh!  Maximus has been officially diagnosed with gluten intolerance.  He has been suffering from diarrhea for the last seven months.  We tested for parasites, removed dairy, and low and behold its gluten!  It hit me after he really indulged on Fourth of July and he suffered badly.  We are a mostly gluten free family anyway, so it isn't too bad of an adjustment.  It is just difficult when we go out.  I had to bring gluten free dinner cup cakes to a birthday party my boys attended.  Its a little awkward, but I'm sure we'll get the hang of it!  In some ways I am a little relieved, because we eat an all natural diet and this makes it easy to take our natural life style out of our home. :)

Maybe Third Times the Charm?

6dp5dt I tested because last time I got my first BFP that early... BFN!  

7dp5dt I tested because IF it would surely be positive by now if it was going to work... BFN!

8dp5dt I tested because I had spotting and I REALLY wanted to take my patches off and stop all meds (but didn't)... BFN!  I also started getting sore BB's this day, super late, not a good sign.

9dp5dt I woke up to my period. BAM! BIG FAT NEGATIVE! This was on Fourth of July.

Back to the drawing board again  

What an emotional roller coaster!  I was on and off the phone with the nurses at my RE for the last few days, then texting my RE, Dr. R., on Fourth of July!  He is the BEST, helping me on the holiday no less.

I was really back and forth prior to starting this last cycle, on weather or not to do PIO (progesterone in oil) or the suppositories again.  My gut was telling me PIO, but my bum was telling me suppositories.  I also talked one of the RE's about it (Dr. C) and she said they were the same basically, but you can't check the P4 level  with the suppositories in the blood.

After speaking with Dr. R, I AM doing the PIO this cycle.  There is no way I should be having all this bleeding problem, so my body isn't absorbing the P4 well.  So maybe my 4AA (the one I miscarried) was viable and I just needed more p4? We'll never know, but it makes me sad.  My poor 3 AB didn't make it either! :(

I'm cd3 today and bleeding very heavily... 1 super + every 2 hours! Yesterday was worse.  I had my lining check today and my lining is still pretty thick, 9mm, which means I still have many days of bleeding to do :(  Starting some iron supplements so I don't get anemic again!

The good news is that we are jumping right in to another FET! Yay!  I'm so happy they don't make you wait a cycle if you get a BFN!

My updated protocol and  schedule...

CD3- lining check and blood test, start E2 patches

CD8- blood test again

CD10- having an office hysteroscopy and u/s to make sure there isn't anything in there (polyps, m/c leftovers, fibroid, etc.

CD14- u/s to check lining again and get transfer date!

CD21 - Tentative transfer day and we are transferring a six day 4 AB (July 23)

The last few days of my 2ww I didn't update because I ended up getting really sick with a sinus infection, having to get on antibiotics, and I was EXHAUSTED, physically from the sickness and emotionally from the 2WW.  Luckily it was right before the Fourth so we ending up have an amazing day.  We rode our bikes to watch the annual Huntington Beach parade and then we had a big swim party with fireworks.  It was a good day after a crappy 2WW... and yes, I enjoyed my wine! ;)