Bah Halloween...

Not sure why, but I'm sooo not into Halloween this year.  I DO have a wild guess, however.  I didn't buy a pumpkin, we are not passing out candy, we didn't go to any parties.  We were invited to one today, but I asked C if it was going to be kid fest, he couldn't answer, so that means probably.  Our friends who are having the party already have three kids, so I am assuming they are going trick or treating with a whole bunch of other parents.  I am so not up for that.  Another reason I am not up for going... my friend is pregnant with twins!  Yay!  Okay okay, I wouldn't really care except I've known for the past six weeks and she hasn't told me.  She is planning on telling me today.  Again... NOT in the mood!  How do I know?  Well C and her husband are really good friends and the husband can't keep a secret.  She JUST past the 12 week mark so she is now in the "safe" zone.  I am happy for them, really!  I am just not in the "CONGRATULATIONS" mode.  Do you understand?

I just feel blah today.  I feel like staying in and getting things done around here.  Currently our fireplace is completely torn out along with the whole wall.  I am excited because we are redoing it and it should be done in a week!  We are putting the tuscan stone... it will look nice and cozy when its all done.  Until then... messy and dusty!

So tonight... we are turning off the lights, locking the door, ordering some takeout (maybe Thai?), watching a movie, and just enjoying eachother, just us TWO!

The Plan...

is all set!  I went in to see Dr. R yesterday with C.  We dropped off the manly goods, then got the blood work done and out of the way.  C went first this time which I think was much better.   I had to run to the restroom really fast and when I got back, his face and lips were WHITE, and she hadn't even begun!  Thanks to the wonderful advice we received, I held his hand and began asking him about his work and what he needed to do today.  Distraction worked GREAT!  He even commented how good it was to be distracted and before he knew it it was over.  After I did my blood work, I went in to have the ultrasound done and waited.  Finally the nurse came in and let me know the news... I have to wait a month!  I guess the lab is down the last week of November and first week of December for cleaning.  I would have had to have my retrieval/transfer during that time.  I guess being on BCP's too long is not good for an IVF cycle either.  The way I look at it is I get the fresh and clean lab for our cycle... we'll be one of the first!

She took me in another room and took out a calendar and wrote down my new guesstimated IVF schedule...
                              -October 27- Start BCP's
                              -November 16th- last pill
                              -Novemeber 21- Start new pack of BCP's
                              -December 1- Start Lupron injections
                              -December 5-last BCP
                              -December 11- Start stims
                              -December 20-22 - Estimated Retrieval
                              -December 25-28- Estimated Transfer (yes Christmas Day included!)

Its really only two weeks later then we anticipated before.  I'm sure its going to fly by!

Once I got home, I was thinking about being on BCP's an extra month for nothing.  So, I thought, why not do clomid?  I even called to ask if it was okay.  As soon as I got off the phone I got a sick feeling, like that is the wrong decision.  I almost blogged about should I or shouldn't I do clomid this cycle?  But, I listened to my gut.  I am not doing it because I feel like it would be a waste.  I hated how 50 mg of clomid made me feel and doing a 100mg I'm sure would make me feel worse.  I didn't get all emotional and crazy on it, but I could feel my ovaries and I felt like they were going to explode sometimes.  I never felt that way with follistim.  Weird.  Anyways, also I just feel like C and I are on the right path again.  The decision of IVF just FEELS right. 

I started BCP's yesterday and I am excited, actually, to not have to think about again for a bit.  We get another little break... even though we have a lot of these lately!

I just came home from bible study and this weeks discussion was about being humble and how we are called to do so.  The major thing that resonated with me on this was that trying to do this IF on my own.  I have not been humble towards God in the past because I was trying to figure it all out on my own.  Basically, it was like I didn't NEED Him.  That is a major thing God has been working on me this past year.  Humbling myself to ask Him for strength, guidance, healing, His will, etc.  When we were going through IF treatments last year I relied too much on my doctor, too much on the Internet for answers, when I SHOULD have relied on God.  I left him out of the equation which only left me alone and depressed. 

This time... I have put God first in everything, this is the first time I really feel like we waited and God answered.  We didn't just JUMP into IVF we were led there (not saying its going to work the first time or ever).  I'm not sure what God is going to do here, there are a lot of possibilities and I know it may not work.  Part of going through this process may be for God to show us another avenue He wants us to take, or it may be to give us the child of our dreams.  The ONE thing I do know for sure is that I NEVER want to leave God out of the equation of my life again!

She's HERE...

Yes the infamous AF FINALLY arrive.  After 10 days on Provera and 7 days waiting, I am thrilled to say I have bad cramps!  I was able to call Dr. R's office this morning to share my good news. 

C and I are both going to go in on Wednesday.  I have to go for what I believe is an u/s and to get bcp's.  C is going to give his manly goods which, I guess, they will culture (required for IVF) and do the standard checks... #'s, motility, morphology, etc.  and we both have to get blood work.  C is devastated about the blood work.  He is so scared of needles and almost passed out last time!  I however, am a pro!  I have had so many shots in my life its crazy!  When I was a kid I had to have allergy shots twice a week in each arm for asthma , I also used to give blood (I'm B+ a more rare blood) until I started these IF treatments and became anemic (which I'm not anymore), and of course all of the Follistim shots in the tummy with tons of blood work.  I seriously feel like a human pin cushion, which I'm sure many of you relate! 

So I was doing some research on IVF yesterday and was trying to figure out the time line.  I was wondering how long on BCP's, Lupron, etc.  Normally, you have to be on BCP's for two weeks.  I was able to go over the potential schedule with the nurse the morning.  Unfortunately, I will be on BCP's an extra week because their lab is going to be down for a week (I'm assuming for Thanksgiving?) so everything is going to be pushed back a week or so.  But she said my retrieval will be around the 9th or 10th of Dec with the transfer around the 12th or 13th (I think).  I will know more on Wednesday.  Does that mean that is would be a 3day transfer?  What is better a 3 or 5 day transfer?

Can't wait to find out ALL of the details!!!

I think we hit the JACKPOT...

in insurance!!  I am so excited!  Because we had a change in status (me quitting my job), and C and I were both insured through the school district, we were able to go to his company insurance before Open Enrollment.  I did a lot of research prior to choosing, but did not know exactly what would be covered for IF entirely.  We chose United Health's POS plan (HIGHLY recommend!).  I hadn't heard of a POS plan prior to his company offering it.  I thought there was HMO and PPO and that's it.  Well, We chose the POS plan which is only little more per month than the PPO.  We get to choose our doctors (NO MORE REFERRALS... THANK YOU GOD!), choose our hospitals, and 90% of everything is covered with the exception of IF treatments.  For IF, EVERYTHING IS COVERED... INCLUDING IVF!!!  I got a call from Dr. R's office stating our benefits and I could not believe it!!!

I truly feel that God has been leading us to this point.  It is amazing!  Last year I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life... to quit my career as a high school teacher (after months of prayer and seeking Gods provisions for C and I).  That alone has been a blessing to us.  Secondly, I felt an urgency (led from the Holy Spirit) to get our medical records from Dr. D and found C's semen analysis which was far from stellar and made us reconsider who our RE should be. Thirdly, I found Dr. R, but because our current HMO insurance didn't include him, we decided to go with the POS.  I was originally going to just switch medical groups but then that would have been a hassle because I didn't like the hospitals they were associated with.  My dream is to have our bambini (babies in Italiano) at Hoag Hospital which overlooks Newport Beach Harbor.  I want a room with the Ocean view (jk... not really! LOL!)!  Plus the hospital is amazing and has a great track record with phenomenal doctors.  I would feel very safe delivering there :) Fourthly, in the last two weeks we have had three people to tell us to do IVF.  A couple of our friends who have two girls, a woman at church who I had shared briefly my story, and then the other night one of my girlfriends who's sister has pcos and went through everything (almost) that we have and finally got her daughter via IVF.  I told her Dr. R wanted to do a couple of clomid cycles before doing IVF and she said "my sister would tell you to just do the IVF, its too emotional going through clomid if it hasn't been working already."  And Fifthly,  I haven't drank any Alcohol in over 10 weeks.  This was totally Gods leading.  I have been prepping for this moment and I didn't even realize it.

So, C and I were talking last night and we made a decision... we are doing IVF next cycle!!!  But shhhh... its a secret!  We aren't telling anyone... not even my mom!  It is going to be very difficult, but we feel that with all that we have been through, we want to do this together and then share the good news when it comes.  We don't want to get anyone's hopes up anymore.  It has been 28 months since we began this journey together, with so many ups and downs.  We have shared the process with so many friends and relatives that we are ready for it to be just us two.    Sharing didn't get us anywhere.  It has been a long hard road which I never thought would end with IVF, but here we are.  We are ready.

I am still waiting for my period.  I am CD 45 and 6 days post Provera.  I am now glad that it has taken a while to my period (everything happens for a reason in Gods planning).  When we got home last night, I emailed Dr. R...

Hi Dr. R!

We are STILL waiting for my period over here.  I'm cycle day 44 and 5 days post provera.  Anyways, C and I were talking.  We are now thinking we just want to do the IVF.  Its been 28 months since we started ttc and we are tired of waiting... Plus we have full coverage on our new insurance (united health POS plan!).  Can we do that this up coming cycle or is it pushing it?

I still want to have a look at the inside of my uterus (sonohysterogram?) to make sure all is okay and have C's second semen analysis, which I'm going to schedule this week. 

Not sure when my period is going to start, but I would love to do IVF!  We are ready!

Thanks, S

I didn't think I would get a response til Monday, but I woke up to this from him...

"S

Your cycle should start within the next few days. If it doesn't, please let know. Beforehand, we need the semen analysis and we will so the sonohysterogram while you're on birth control pills (BCPs), which is the first med you'll take. Call us when you cycle starts. We'll see you on or before day 3 of your cycle. If everything isn't perfect, we won't do IVF.

Dr. R"

C and I are SUPER excited and trust him completely.  I know this is the right decision I can feel it in my heart!  

Advantages of Trusting God...

is day 15 in the daily devotional that I'm currently reading called, Attitudes of Success.  This one really struck accord with me so I thought I would write about it...

"Trouble is a common occurence for us earthlings (Job 5:7).  Its easy to let our mind and emotions run wild."  This made me think of IF... its trouble!  It causes us to stress, worry, have doubt, live in fear, etc.  The problem with these feelings is that they are not from God, they cause us to go outside the boundries God has for us.  We may run to "quick fix" solutions that are "our way" and not "Gods way." 

Looking back at the begining of my journey, or IF treatments.  I put so much pressure on myself to fix the problem.  I was googling like crazy, seeing what worked for others and then trying them myself to see if I could "cure" my infertility.  Its not that simple.

All of this left me feeling empty, alone, exhausted, and depressed.  This was definately NOT what God wanted for me.  Now, I realize that yes, I'm going through IF, but I'm not alone.  I now realized that going through this WITH God, and trusting in His provisions for my life, is building my faith and character, which will in turn, make me a better wife, mother, and follower of Jesus Christ. 

Trusting in the Lord and having confidence in what His plans are, teaches us run to Him and rely on his teachings when lifes pressures feel unbearable.

"Trust in the Lord, and do good.

Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.

Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you your hearts desires.

Commit everything you do to the Lord.

Trust him, and he will help you.

He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,

and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.

Be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act.

Dont worry about evil people who prosper

or fret about their wicked schemes.

Stop being angry!

Turn from your rage!

Do not lose your temper-

in only leads to harm.

For the wicked will be destroyed,

but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land."

Psalm 37:3-9

Therefore, focusing on God and not on the IF and trusting in Him will, in a sense, cause things to fall into place in His will.  These verse point out what we are supposed to do in times of "trouble:" commit everything to the Lord, Trust, Be patient and spend quality time with the Lord, don't worry, and don't be angry.

I just got off of the phone with a very good friend of mine who is my age, 29.  She is a step-mom to 17 year old girl.  My friend just found out her step daughter was 6 months pregnant.  This is a time when I could be angry and ask God, "why her and not me?"  But, I don't.  She was not following Gods provisions for her life and is now going to struggle.  I feel really bad for my friend who wants a baby too, but is now going to be a 29 year old GRANDMA!

C and I were walking the other night and talking about how if the IF treatments worked the year before that we could have been parents now.  I'm, in some ways, we were both thankful they didn't.  Why?  Because I didn't know then that my husband was going to be working 60-70 hours/ week right now.  I would have been upset and thinking he needed to come and spend time with the baby.  This was something we did not foresee.  God's plans are best.  Even if I want a baby now, I know Gods time and plans are always better than mine.

I put my faith and trust in the Lord! 

I just learned about...

ICLW, thanks to a fellow blogger, who writes, A little blog about the big Infertility.  Thank you!  And thank you Stirrup queens for having this!!!

I'm really excited about this!  I always wondered how some blogs FIRST post had like 14 comments!  I'm like, "how did people find out about their blog so fast!?"  I've been writing/blogging over a year and I only have 9 followers, which I'm grateful for, but I RARELY get any comments.  I feel, sometimes, that I'm going through this ALONE (so sad).

Because IF is so extremely emotional, it is nice when I do get a comment.  I actually LOVE getting comments (who's kidding).  I remember when I got my FIRST comment!  I had to tell my husband :)  When they say "comments are like the new HUGS," they weren't kidding.  They make you feel good... just like a hug (unless you get a cruel one!).

So, now my job is to also post 6 comments a day!  5 comments on others blogs, and 1 in response to a comment on my blog (hopefully I get some!).

On a different note... I FINALLY finished my LAST Provera pill last night!  Now is the waiting game for good ole AF to show up!  I am defiantly LOOKING FORWARD to her! ha ha.  I was to get this show on the road and start my CLOMID cycle!

Once my AF starts, we also have to make an appt for C's SA.  I am looking forward to that to see if he has a better/different result than last years!

Come on AF... get here already!!

Ok... so I fell off the wagon!

I know, I know.... I was so pumped about this diet!  But I just couldn't do it.  I did it for one week and then the weekend killed me.  I was going to have a "cheat day," and I couldn't start again.  That's the problem... if you have to have a cheat day on a diet then its not a good diet.  That is my theory.  What has been working for me the best is the Zone.  I have been doing it since May,AND I have lost weight.  I guess the reason I was going to try this Paleo is because of my pcos.  I don't like that I have to take medication to get my hormones under control.  I was hoping I could CURE my disease.

Well it is what it is.  I no there is no cure.  I can only do my best to keep my insulin as even as possible... balancing protein, carbs, and fat.  Plus, I still can eat ALL that God gave me :)  I enjoyed my favorite breakfast... steal cut oats with blueberries and 2 eggs over medium!

I got to thinking about the Paleo yesterday and was like "Starches are a staple in EVERY culture!"  Italians have pasta, Germans have potatoes, Japanese have rice, etc.  They are there for a purpose!  Having pcos, we just cannot eat too much of them and balance them in a healthy, well rounded diet.

Sorry if I confused anyone :(

On a better note... today is my LAST day of Provera!!!  Thanks God!  Hopefully, I will be starting my period in a couple of days!  Then I'll be back at the RE!

CD 30

and still no Ovulation.  I LOVE PCOS... NOT!  Why is this happening!?  I upped my metformin to 2250mg and my cycle is longer than EVER!  I was Oing on CD 22-25 on 1500mg.  This so does not make sense. 

The good news is I went in to see my new RE today... Dr R.  He did an ultrasound to first see if I could be PREGNANT!  I laughed at the thought of that.  "Nope.. I haven't even ovulated!"  He asked how I knew and I responded that I did OPK's.  It is somewhat true.  The truth is that I took my temp and it was 96.7 in the AM.  If I've ovulated it would be over 98.  For some reason, doctors won't take you serious if you say that you just took your temp.

So he looked at the lining of my uterus and it was at 9.6mm; kind of thick.  Of course my ovaries were covered in follicals, but I had 2 bigger ones, one on each side measuring at about 11 mm.  So, my eggs were getting ripe just takin so dang long!  I guessed it would have been another week or two til I ovulated (because I always do on my own just late).  I don't think it is all that healthy to have these long cycles so I'm going to take provera for the next 10 days.  Otherwise it could have been a month until I started my next cycle.  So frustrating!

On another note... I'm doing much better than the other day!  I had to cry it out and then just move forward.  I love how crying can make you feel better :)

Ugh!

I just need to vent.  I have had an emotional day.  Not really anyone I know can relate to what I'm feeling at the moment, which only makes matters worse (Thank God for this BLOG).  I just kinda feel empty right now, which is the complete opposite of what I've been feeling for the past few weeks (aka on fire for Jesus! LOL).  Anyways, I have been so excited about my small group... lots of women, hopefully going to meet some amazing Christian friends, excited about the topic, etc.  Well it was all going well until today.  I went to what felt like a mom's group rather than a womens bible study. UGH!  So frustrating.    Yes, many of the questions were related to the bible, how we deal with life, etc., but the leader kept saying "what have attitudes do you want your children to learn from you" or "what have your children taught you ... CHILDREN, CHILDREN, CHILDREN (thats all I could hear after a bit)!"  I'm like I DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN KIDS LADY!!!   Obviously I did not say that.  But I did feel like screaming it and walking out.  The only reason I didn't was because I would look like a RAGING LUNATIC! ha!  Its sad, I'm sad. I feel like crying I'm so sad.  Part of me never wants to go back to this group, but I know I should because that is exactly what the devil would want.  Part of me wants to say something privately to the group leader about how she phrases the questions and if she could be a little more  sensitive to the INFERTILE of the group, but I know that is not technically fair since that is what the MAJORITY of the women are dealing with... children.  I'm not really sure what to do.  Prayer would be good... for you prayer warriors out there, please pray for me that God gives me the strength and the wisdom to get through this and so that I may have a better attitude during the meetings.  I know its not their fault.  They cannot help that they have children (One lady actually had her baby there!), they can't help that God has blessed them with the ability to concieve (so easily?).  Blah blah blah.  Ok I'm done.  That is my venting for the day.  I really needed to get this of my chest and talk to someone... anyone! ha!  I'm not sure there are even many readers, but this is me...being real.... venting.  Advice?  Would love some!!

5 weeks and 1 day....

since I've had a glass of wine.  Man, has it been good!  I never thought I would say that.  I love(d) wine and everything associated with it... good food paired with a fine glass of Pinot Nior, friends and socializing, relaxing after a long day, etc.  However, God has been doing amazing things in my life through this.  I'm not sure, but it seems as if God couldn't give me all the blessings that he has for my until I gave that part of my life to him.  My walk with God is getting stronger and I'm feeling more like the woman God has created me to be.  I have the desire to get involved in church and do things that are positive that don't revolve around drinking socially.  I don't feel like hanging out at places where that is a primary focus.  Instead, I am putting my efforts to get to know people who want to serve the Lord.

I joined a woman's bible study that started on Thursday.  I am sooo excited about it.  I am excited that this is where God wants me to be.  I am excited that I am beginning to meet people with the same desires I have.  I also decided to serve in the decorations team for the woman's conference (which was today!).  I helped make the table center pieces and set up the stage.  It was really fun... good clean sober fun! LOL.

Not that I feel that people shouldn't drink, or that it is wrong, or that I will never drink again.  I don't know when/if I will.  I do know that this is what God is calling me to do and I'm finally listening.  It feels amazing.

Recently I had someone who wanted to pray over me because she found out that C and I have been struggling with IF.  She does intercessory prayer, which means she intercedes for the Holy Spirit when praying.  It was quite the experience.  I thought that she was going to just lay hands and pray that I get pregnant (God willing).  However, it ended up that I needed to forgive some people.  We spent well over an hour her leading me in forgiveness.  Once we were done, it as if was a huge weight had been lifted.  I guess sometimes God does not give us his blessings when we are holding onto unforgiveness.  She said that many people have gotten pregnant soon after prayers like this.  I am being cautiously optimistic.  I do feel like C and I are on a fresh start with so many avenues in our lives right now, but again, we shall see.

On a separate note... I am a little bummed because I'm CD23, and no O.  Ugh!  I thought that with the new upped Met dose my cycles would regulate. Its frustrating because I would like to start with my new RE!  Patience is a virtue!