Decisions Decisions...

I had my consultation with the new potential RE today.

I wish I could say I left there feeling great about moving forward.  I don't.  I have a bit of anxiety about it, to be quite honest.  Now, don't get me wrong, Dr. Anderson is great.  He is very kind, made me feel comfortable, and even said, "I won't abandon you!"  Because I totally felt abandoned by Dr. R this last year.  Not totally his fault, however he warned me that he was moving, but still.  Never did I think this past year would end up like this.

So here is were I am struggling... We have 27 eggs.  How many do we ICSI?  What if we have left over embryo's... that are NORMAL!?  How do you decide what to do with them?  C made it VERY clear last night that he only wants to transfer one time.  If we have two normals, he would want to put them both in and call it a day.  Here is the problem.  Dr. Anderson will only do SET (single embryo transfers).  He said he has seen too many horrible outcomes with twin pregnancy's.  He said we were super lucky.  My other problem now is C.  He also made it veery clear that if we have two normals and we transfer one, we are are DONE.  He won't want to transfer the last one! I'm so at a loss!  What if we ended up with three?  I mean we could also end up zero!  HELP ME!

I asked Dr. A, "Now Knowing we only really want one or two, how many would you ICSI?" He said "All of them." What!?  That scares me to death!  He explained that because my eggs were frozen, the quality of them will not be as good, and because I overstimmed it could also effect quality.   He also said that for my age, and with fresh eggs, 1 out of 5 are normal. Hmmmm... so maybe we should do 10?

I don't know guys.  I feel very confused!  I have been praying all day for wisdom and discernment on this. If you have any wisdom, please share!

He is also sending me for blood work this week and wants me to do an office hysteroscopy Wednesday!  I'm CD 18 and there is no O in sight.  As for blood work, he is looking for other blood clotting disorders that may have caused the m/c.  My other RE's didn't do that!  I do believe he knows what he is doing.

I really wish God would just tell me clearly what to do.  I know he is my guide and I need to listen to my gut.  I am working on being in a quiet space when I pray.  This is a challenge with two littles, but it is a must!

She Holds Onto Hope

Prayer is an amazing thing.

 I was super vulnerable Sunday and posted on my Instagram (@naturalhealthmomma) sharing the pain and hurt of miscarriage.  I'm not sure why I posted, but I felt a huge weight lifted.  The response was not what I expected at all!  I received over 100 comments of people telling me they were praying for me!  I read every comment with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I was overwhelmed by the love and support by so many!  I was humbled, to say the least!

Just prior to the insta posting,  I took the boys and went to church.  During worship, we were singing about being in His presence.  I realized that I never want to be out of His presence.  I was taking a stand, raising my hands in worship singing songs to my Lord, praising His name, even after losing two babies, I realized God is STILL good.  I was NOT going to let Satan win.  He wants to discourage me and pull me away from the one who wants to comfort me!

Since that day, I have had many conversations with God.  I realized that I can be angry and raise my fists at Him, or have him be here from me and help me heal from the wounds of IF and pregnancy loss.  I felt like I was drowning and I really needed him to pull me out of the pit of despair.  God is so good and he has been doing just that!

I've been really praying for my heart to line up with his will, praying for Him to take the desire of another baby away from me, if it wasn't what he had in store for us.

With the loss of baby #2, it put a lot of things into perspective for me.

• First, I realized that yes, traveling was important to me, but being a family and a mom was more important. We were planning on traveling to Europe in May, if I wasn't pregnant.
• Being a mom, is the best job in the world.  I feel like I was made to be a mom.
• We have a VERY short window to possibly grow our family (I'm almost 35), and a life time to travel the world.
• Adoption is not for me (at least at this point).  God has not placed it in my heart.  I have moments where I think, yes, I could do it! But ultimately I would have too many worries.
• Infertility is a lot like cancer.  If someone with cancer was failing treatment, would they just give up or keep trying until ALL options were exhausted.  Would they just stop the first treatment and decide "God must not want me to get well." NO!  They would keep trying to get well!  
• I was scared to death to share all of this with my husband.

I was researching the other night on other doctors in my area, and specifically doctors with high success rates.  I was blown away when I found SCCRM!  They are my very first RE actually, except Dr. D is no longer there and the original RE, Dr. Anderson is!  He has an 85% success rate!  I think that is unheard of!

Now, there is a lot of processing still to do.  I still may go there and decided I can't go through with it again. However, I feel like if I don't, I would always wonder.

I finally came clean to C the other night about my feelings.  One of the reasons I agreed to stoping treatment 'no matter what' after our last cycle is because I though for sure it would work.  He really doesn't want to do this again, but also doesn't want me to resent him for saying no.  I told him if his answer was no, I would have to get over it.  

Well, we ended up on the same page!  We are going to see Dr. A!  I needed hope, I needed to know we still have a chance.  I haven't ever felt our family was complete, even though I am soooo incredibly blessed and grateful for my boys!

I just have to believe God has put this baby on my heart for a purpose.  I either need this dr to tell me, sorry your uterus cannot carry more kids (surrogacy is not an option for me), or yes we can use your 27 eggs!  I need closure of some sort. Or we need to move forward!

My appointment is November 23.  Stay tuned!

Trusting God Through Miscarriage

I have to share this amazingly written post. Just when I thought my faith was unshakeable, Satan found a way to shake it... But he is not going to win! I could feel the walls going up just like the writer in the post below says, but I need my savior to get me through this time. I hope this piece touches you like it did for me. 

Trusting God through Miscarriage by Krissi Trowbridge

“The enemy is after your joy. He wants to steal it forever, and ever.”

Those words shook me to my core while on the phone with a friend. You know in movies where one line is spoken and the mood heightens or changes entirely? This was that… But in real life, in my real heart. Those words pierced like arrows, challenging me to zoom out of the sea of pain I was drowning in, and see a much bigger picture. The big picture was the threat to the quality, the joy I would or would not experience in my life, for the rest of my life, and I wasn’t backing down.

Moments before my friend spoke those words to me in prayer, I had been in the doctor’s office. My husband and I went in together for a routine pregnancy check up. There was nothing unusual going on, which we were fine with after experiencing an early term miscarriage in December. We expected to be in and out after an ultrasound and blood work. We had seen our new baby at two previous appointments, and were eager to get a glimpse of that precious life we were picking out names and planning for. As I lay on the exam table the doctor put the sonogram wand over my stomach. I love hearing baby’s heart beat. It’s the most beautiful music to a mama’s ears. I waited, and heard nothing. I looked at the screen and saw our baby, still, and lifeless.

It seemed like hours staring at that screen, knowing in my heart the truth, but trying to convince myself I was wrong or I was dreaming. Finally our doctor broke the deafening silence, and with tears in his eyes said “I… I can’t hear a heartbeat.” I went numb. Was this really happening? Emotions threatening to engulf me, I was half listening to the doctor tell us to go home today and we would talk about the different options on how to get the baby out… It was all too much. All I could do was lay there.

I felt God’s peace, but I also felt the walls going up around my heart. When you receive such a blow to your joy, your promise, your faith… It shakes you. Being shaken is part of life, but remaining anchored in the midst of the storm is a choice. That choice was a very real one at that moment.

When I heard those words, “the enemy is after your joy” it was like an awakening alarm went off inside of me. Not that I had to be joyful in that moment, but that I could believe the Lord’s joy would strengthen me until I could be. There was a voice in my heart that was shouting of God’s goodness, His faithfulness, even through this. I didn’t know what it was going to look like, but I had decided I would not let the enemy steal my joy for the rest of my life. That I would walk out this pain and healing process with the Lord by my side, carrying me through. In my heart came John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, but my focus was beyond it. My focus was on my Father. The One who knows me and loves me. The One who had prepared me in ways and had others already praying for me. The One who doesn’t kill babies, or anyone for that matter. I felt a resolve in my heart. I felt anchored. Anchored to Jesus. Anchored to His joy. Anchored to peace that really was surpassing my understanding. Anchored to Him. My emotions were thrashing about like an incredible storm, threatening the strength of my anchor, but I just kept breathing. I didn’t understand, but I didn’t have to. I would walk this out, not to impress God with my own strength, but while leaning on Him in my weakness, fully dependent on Him, letting His strength and joy meet all of my pain. Getting up that day was so hard, as were the days and weeks after that appointment.

I had always read “the joy of the Lord is your strength” in Nehemiah 8 as if I had to force myself to be joyful, so I would be strong. This journey of back to back miscarriages has taught me it is not my joythat brings strength, but HIS. I can not tell you how many times I have listened to ‘Forever’ by Kari Jobe. I always laugh and cry with unexplainable joy at the line:

“Oh death, where is your sting? Our resurrected King has rendered you defeated!”

It has been a few months now, and I have found myself in different phases of heartache and healing. I kept feeling like I should be ok. People expected me to be ok. There are triggers that cause tears. It took me weeks to go through my closet and take out the maternity clothes. Baby showers are very different for me now. The thing is, I know that at my core I really am ok, but the Lord is still healing me. In prayer one day I asked the Lord why I wasn’t ‘there’ yet… Fully healed. He showed me a picture of me in a deep pit, head in my hands while I cried. He said, “Daughter, you keep thinking I am reaching down from the top of the pit, desperate to help you get out and move on. I’m not there. I am in the pit with you, holding you and weeping with you. Don’t focus on getting there, just focus on Me. Soon we will be out of the pit… not because of your strength, but because you allow Me in your pain, in your pit. I am not in a hurry to get you to the other side, I am interested in the full healing of your heart.” He has been beside me every second of this process. His joy has truly given me strength.

This season has been painfully healing, horribly beautiful, and one I will always remember. Yes, because of the loss, but also for the love, the faithfulness, nearness and depth I have discovered in God. We can’t know we are established in our faith, until that faith is tested. What good is a beautiful mansion, if the foundation has a hole in it? The Lord uses our pain as opportunities to draw us to Him, and rebuild us stronger than before. Just because I am hurting, doesn’t mean God isn’t good. His character does not change when I go through pain.

I will continue to embrace the pain until joy and strength burst from it. I won’t be afraid to feel it ALL, with Jesus, so He can heal me the whole way of this journey, because I trust Him. I won’t settle for anything less than redemption, and neither should you. If you too, have a baby waiting for you in heaven, know that as you read this, I have already prayed for you and your family. You are still a mother, and your baby is worth honoring and acknowledging, no matter how short their life. I see you and with all of my heart want to hug you and hear your story.

There really is nothing He can not bring you through, Mama, If you chose to trust Him, even when it doesn’t line up with what makes sense to you. I promise He won’t leave you broken. He didn’t cause your pain, but He wants to love and heal you through to a more anchored, joyful, beautiful you. Nothing is too difficult for Him.
There may be pain in the night, but joy really does come in the morning! I am praying your joy may be filled to overflowing, even in the midst of the storm. Stay anchored, Sister. He has you!

Tears

im sitting here alone. In tears.

Last night was so painful. I had the miscarriage.

It is labor with no happy ending.

My stomach is still sore. My heart still aches.

Having two losses, only makes me long for a baby more, yet terrified to try again. Could I even handle it?

My heart is broken, my womb is empty.

My tears are silent prayers. He is listening.

Trust.

God has a plan.

What the F?

 I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks.  I was a walking zombie, numb, confused, hurt, and angry!  I was angry at myself and at God!  How could he let us go through this?  How could he allow us to fail...again?!  We prayed so earnestly, so passionately!  We are good people!  Why did this happen to us?

I got a call from Beta #2 on Monday, my 126 beta dropped to 88 and I was told to stop all medication. "I'm so sorry Sara," Patty said.  I was numb, sitting there with my kids, Mom, Sister-in-law,  niece and nephew, who I just got done telling them "how amazing God was who blessed us with another pregnancy."  I drank three glasses of wine that night and went to bed at 7pm.

Tuesday, I woke up crying.  All I could do is cry, thinking about my baby(ies)  dying in my womb.  F-this. What the F God?  Where are you God?  Why are you not talking to me God?  I thought you led me God?  Where was my Shepard?  I was F-ing pissed.

I had friends texting me (who weren't supposed to know, but some found out bc we canceled bible study).  C told some close friends at the office and their wives texted me.  I still have yet to respond to anyone.  I couldn't think about it, I didn't want to hear it.  I just wanted to be alone...and hug my son's so much more!

I didn't want hugs from anyone else, no sad looks, no I'm sorry's, not even my C.  I was numb.

My mom came over, she has been with me when I have been like this before.  Numb from a break-up years ago.  I remember this feeling.  It took me a long time to recover, but I did.  I started remembering how God got me out of the darkness, and believed he could do it again.

C, has never seen me like this.  I fall asleep early then wake up to pee and can't fall back asleep for hours.  I'm exhausted.

Wednesday, I went to my moms, and I actually cracked a smile or two.

Thursday, I went to my Italian class.  Prayed a lot and could actually start searching for scriptures for comfort.  I am still in pain, but doing much better.

Friday, the dark cloud is lifting (as my C would say!).

I am still waiting to start my period/miscarry.

Praying.

**Updated**  Just started my period/Miscarriage,  four days after stopping meds.

The results are in!!! Beta 11dp5dt FET#4

I've been pacing around all morning on pins and needles. We finally left to do some shopping. I told C that. He had to stay with me in case they called, but of course he was across the entire store when my phone rang! Eeeek!! To be honest with you all, I'm really surprised by the number, meaning I thought (and was hoping!) it would be higher! However, it is a solid #. With my twins my first Beta at 10dpt was 167, with my March pregnancy my first beta 10dpt was 33, and this beta 11dpt 126!!!!! God is so good! He is totally getting all the glory for this pregnancy! I know it's too early to tell, but I'm thinking singleton! And yes, my heart sinks a tiny bit knowing one may have not made it again.

For now, I will rejoice and be glad.... I'm pregnant!!! Next Beta is Monday!!

Thank you for all your kind messages, good vibes, and prayers! ❤️

BLOOD IS DRAWN! FET #4 11dp5dt

My blood is drawn! Praying for a high number!!!! Stay tuned!!!! Hoping this will be a VERY Happy Halloween! Prayers Appreciated!

9dp5dt FET#4

Where do I even begin? I feel that so much has happened!

So, I left you off at 3dpt, where I was having some doubts or fears on whether of not Assisted Hatching, AH, was done.  After posting my last post, I finally received a call from the embryologist and YES, AH was done!  I was so relieved!  And yes, I clearly know God is bigger than AH and he can do all things, but I also believe he gives us resources and direction, and we must also make an effort to see the miracles in our life.  AH was definitely on my heart and I am so glad is was done.  I slept good that night.

4dpt5dt I had a grand idea so as not to be tempted to POAS, I peed on the one FRER I had upstairs, knowing it would be negative, and just to get it out of the house.  I didn't want to be tempted at 7dpt and see a negative, because then I would want to quit all my meds again.

Well, around 4pm, I POAS.  My bladder was NOT full and I really had to squeeze it out, so to speak. I set it there, knowing I wouldn't see a thing.  Negative... no wait?  I could see something, but I really believed my eyes were playing tricks on me.  So I hid it and said I would look the next day.  The next morning I was waiting [in]patiently for C to get out of bed and make us tea down stairs.  He would not get out of bed!  Finally he did.  I ran over to the test, and could see that something again!  But I still was not 100%.  I though maybe a evap line or something? This was WAY too early to see something right!?

I came clean to C and showed Mr. Skeptical the test.  He said he could see it!!!! WHAT!?!?!  I thought for sure he would say I was crazy!  He said for me to go get another test to see!

I had to pee so I went to the store grabbed a box of FRER's (I'm so weak I know!), went to get my nails done so I went into they bathroom and POAS.  I wrapped it in a paper towel and put it away in my purse.  I sat there waiting.  At 5dp5dt, I got a faint but very clear BFP!!!!!  I was shaking and praising Jesus!!  I felt like I could scream, but I couldn't because I was in the nail salon!  I had to keep peaking at the test to make sure it was real!  I came home and told C, he was cautiously happy of course!

The following day, I excitedly took another test around 11am expecting to see a much darker line.  BAD MOVE.  First it had not even been 24 hours since the previous test and second, it was SO early still.  I gave it a few minutes and my heart sank.  The line looked SO light, like barely there light.  I was devastated.  All my hopes and dreams of growing our family flashed before my eyes, my heart sank.  I thought for sure this was a chemical.

I texted DH that we lost the baby, telling him it was a chemical pregnancy.  I know I should have waited til he got home, but I was devastated.

As the day went on, however, the test kept getting darker and darker, until it was darker than the day before!  I couldn't believe it!  This is why testing early can be very bad.  If my hcg level at 5dpt was 20 for example, it maybe would have been 30 by the next day, so it wouldn't have shown much change.  I texted DH, that I loved him and I vowed to do no more tests, which has held true!  He was relieved to find out the test was darker now too!

Since then, my pregnancy symptoms have been getting stronger and stronger to where I KNOW I am pregnant!YAY!!!  However, I still want to see that BETA number!  I feel like I can't totally rejoice, until after BETA... after what happened for FET #1 (a low Beta of 33).

How am I feeling now at 9dp5dt or should I say 4 weeks pregnant?  Very pregnant!  My stomach is SOOOOO bloated I cannot even button my pants.  I also have kind of a cramping/heavyness feeling and random pains on the sides, like ligament pains.  I have had waves of headaches since 3dpt.  They come and go every few minutes it seems, which is what I had with the boys.  My boobs just started getting sore a day or two ago and are fuller.  I have been super exhausted in the afternoon, but feel great in the morning.

I can't believe I have to wait TWO MORE DAYS until BETA!  It is torture!  This will be the first time, I am actually going to wait until designated BETA day, which will hopefully make it for a happy Halloween!

3dp5dt FET#4

The last couple days were a breeze... today, hormonal mess!  I feel ultra sensitive, ultra tired, bloated and I have an on again off again headache that I woke up with.  I know it is all related to all the wonderful hormones I am on, but it sure makes it extremely hard not to think... what if?

I know it is WAY too early for any REAL pregnancy symptoms, but feeling like this makes me have POAS on my mind! Do you think I can hold out?  I have one FRER upstairs.  I should just go use it, to get it out of the house!  WHY OH WHY is the 2WW so hard!?

You really forget how difficult it is, until those P4 symptoms kick into high gear!

I've been pretty crampy since 1dpt, but I will list yesterdays...

• 2dp6dt- cramps, twinges, EXHAUSTED by 3pm (I couldn't finish putting away the groceries I had to lay down!), not a huge appetite.

• 3dp5dt- woke up with a dull headache and its been coming and going today, cramps still, maybe my bb's are getting sore (?), emotional, really tired all day, not a big appetite.

One thing I forgot to mention prior to transfer...  So a week prior to transfer I had been reading about assisted hatching and noticed on all the sites that it mentioned that the steroid, Medrol is necessary to take so your body doesn't reject the embryos and have an inflammatory response. Well, once I realized that, I immediately called my RE's office to speak to a nurse.  Only Barbara was available and she is not my favorite.  She always seems to make me feel like I'm asking too many questions.  Anyway, she said that they no longer use Medrol because new studies have shown it doesn't help either way.

That was not good enough for me!

I emailed Dr. A. and she said that it was true that they didn't normally give Medrol anymore, but looking back at my twins cycle, I WAS ON MEDROL!!!! Can you believe that!?  She said it would be up to me if I wanted it again.  I replied, "absolutely since that was my one cycle that worked!"

I can't help but wonder if that was my missing link for the last three cycles!  So LAME!

This journey can be so frustrating!

I started the Medrol Sunday and finished yesterday.  I had to take 4 pills a day for 4 days.

This morning I also woke up with a sick feeling in my stomach too!  I realized that Assisted Hatching, AH, was not mentioned at transfer and it wasn't on my embryo report.  I have been on the phone with my RE, and no one has an answer for me!  Apparently they are short handed in the lab and the embryologies haven't gotten back!  I just want to confirm it was done... for peace of mind, I guess!

I told C about my fears that AH wasn't preformed.  His reply, "Gods bigger than assisted hatching!" Duh!  He is so confident this is going to work this time!  I love it!  I really need some verses to rebuke doubt right now!  I think I will google some...

Wow!  For those of you who need a kick in the pants on FAITH, read Hebrews 11.  So good!

FET #4 Transfer Day Update!

Thinking PINK!  Although we would be happy, ecstatic, blessed, grateful, with a healthy baby or two no matter the sex!  On our way!

Yesterday went off without a hitch.  Except for the fact that I woke up at 4 am to pee and then couldn't go back to sleep for the life of me because I was TOO EXCITED!  I couldn't believe the day was finally here!  I ended up getting out of bed at 4:30, made a cup of Tulsi Camomile tea and spent some time in The Word.

I'm in reading in 1 Samuel and I'm to the part where Saul went to meet Samuel so he could speak a prophetic word to him.  When he arrived, Samuel said to Saul, I've been waiting for you!  I have a word from the Lord.  He went on and said that he was going to be king and rule over the Isrealites.  Saul replied, who me?  But I am the least in all of my tribe!  He was anointed, filled with the Holy Spirit and went on to be a King!  It was the perfect reading for this transfer day.  I couldn't help but reflect on our last two embryo's.  They were the weakest in the bunch, but God LOVES to use the weak to make them strong!  It was so comforting and reassuring to read this and confirm that I can trust in him and his promises.

We ate a quick breakfast, took quick showers and I used coconut oil as lotion since it is all natural (my favorite anyway), nothing scented!  My friend L came to help with the boys yesterday.  This time we didn't tell ANYONE, besides her, that we were having our transfer.  C is a little superstitious, since we didn't tell anyone with the boys and it worked then.  When I walked out front I looked up and the sky was just gorgeous!  I was like it was a sign that today was going to be perfect...

C and I feeling hopeful before we left!

We arrived in Redondo Beach a little before 9am.  I met my acupuncturist, D,  in the lobby for the first time, she is very sweet and helpful.  C went to go get a cup of coffee at a coffee shop while I had my acupuncture done and I realized I left my water bottle in the car I was supposed to drink!  Acupuncture was okay.  It wasn't that relaxing before transfer because I was SO anxious!  I just wanted to know how my little embabies were doing.  One of my fears was that one would not make the thaw.  However, D brought an awesome meditation for me to listen to which helped a bit.  While I was laying there I was envisioning  God's hands holding our to blasts like usual.  I was also envisioning angels surrounding me blowing trumpets, it was a beautiful thing!  Then as I saw Gods hands, the were suddenly over my belly and I saw him open His hands and let them fall onto my stomach.  It was amazing!  It was like he was telling me they are going to be okay, these are the ones I am giving you!  I pray this is right!

After acupuncture I drank three large glasses of water quickly and took my valium.  They wheeled me into the transfer room, which is the same room I had my ER in too.  Dr. A checked to see if my bladder was full enough, and it wasn't so I had to drink another large glass of water.  I was a little relieved because my valium hadn't kicked in just yet.  A few minutes later Kristine our embryologist from R & M's rescue ICSI cycle came in and I totally teared up!  It was so good to see her!  I showed her a picture of my boys and she said she always shows other couples who end up needing rescue ICSI a picture I gave her of my twins, who need hope!  I thought that was beautiful!  They are such miracles!

Kristine said "BOTH embryo's thawed beautifully!" Praise Jesus!  C got to see them in the petri dish again prior to transfer, just like with the boys.  I think that is so cool!  I am SO thankful we transferred these two back to where it all began!

Our beautiful blasts... The top is a 4AB, and the bottom a 3AB.  He makes the weak STRONG!

Transfer was perfect too!  Dr. A is awesome, she really took her time and researched where Dr. R placed the twins in my Uterus, so she could put these two in the exact same spot!  I do have scar tissue from having my septum removed AND from C-section so I am praying these two find the perfect cozy location.

After transfer I was wheeled back into recovery, where I had my second session of Acupuncture and I listened to another meditation.  This time I was so relaxed I fell asleep!

Lucky socks!

After I woke up, I had to pee!  She wheeled me in a wheel chair to the bathroom, then wheeled me out to meet C who was getting the truck.  I had my legs up and was reclined for the drive home.  Once home, I heated up lunch in the toaster oven, and laid in bed... and fell asleep until 4pm! I tried to get my boys to go to the park while I rested, but they insisted on taking a nap too!  We all slept until 4!

1dp5dt- today I'm sticking to couch rest.  I'm lounging, still in my pjs, drinking water, and trying to pass the time.  I'm going to try real hard not to symptom spot OR POAS this cycle.  We'll see because I can usually tell if its going to be a neg.  Today I am a little crampy, just mild AF type.  I'm shocked my bb's are NOT sore at all.  Last July when I did PIO for the first time, my bb's were sore on transfer day!  Every time is a little different apparently.

Beta day is on October 31!  I'm going to be staying busy busy busy until then!

This was a long post so if you read it all... YOU ROCK!  Please con't to pray for my little embabies!  THANK YOU!!!! xoxo

Today Is The Day! FET #4

I woke up at 4AM to pee... and I've been up since then!  I cannot keep calm!  I tossed and turned and decided to get up, have a cup of tea, and spend time with the Lord.  I've prayed more and prayed harder for these two embryos, just like I did when we conceived the twins.  Gods got this!

Today is going to be a good day!

Its Frozen Embryo Transfer Day!

Please pray our last two embryos thaw perfectly and begin to expand!  Please pray the transfer goes perfectly and our embryos make it to their 'home.'  Please pray they burrow deep and that God breaths life into them!

Thank you so much!

Less than One Week To Go! FET #4

I can't believe we are finally on the countdown to transfer! It is here and it's getting real folks! We are both excited, ready, anxious... I don't want to say scared, scared isn't the right word, I'm at peace that this is our last and final, but I'm nervous about what is to be. What is the answer going to be?

It has been interesting over here. A lot has been happening which has me to believe God has and is truly at work in our lives right now. A ton of prayers have been getting answered, like a ton!  So much has been on my heart and it feels like God has been using this time get my "ducks in a row, " so to speak.  Its weird and I almost can't even explain it!  Here are some examples...

*After years of praying for him, my husband is getting baptized!  He has been totally growing spiritually this year, and I have to believe it is because of what we have been going through that he is ready to fully commit his life to God.

*I am getting re-baptized.  I was baptized when I was 12 in a Seventh Day Adventist church. I chose to be baptized, but I had no relationship with Jesus.  I did it because my friends were and I thought I should.  Soon after I stopped going to church, questioned if there was a God, and became a stoner/Hippy during High School.  I became a born again Christian at 22.  I really wanted to get rebaptized then, but was told I "didn't need" to because I already was baptized at 12.  Well, I really feel God put that on my heart then, and I should have listened.  I have questioned it since!  I am SO excited to be getting baptized again... and with my husband! God is so good!

*A few weeks ago I met this really nice old lady who just moved into a senior center.  She mentioned that her kids/grandkids won't come and visit her.  God laid it on my heart!  So when I was leaving I ran into her in the parking lot and asked if the boys and I could come visit her, she said yes.  It had been a few weeks and I kept trying to go, but one of us kept getting sick!  Its been hanging over my shoulder.  Monday, we did it!  I made some paleo pumpkin muffins and brought them to her with fall flowers.  It was very nice visit and it felt so good serving.  She wants us to come back and make Italian cookies!  Yes please!

*For the last few years my relationship with my brothers has been almost non existent, even though we used to be extremely close.  The only way we would ever take or hangout is if I called, etc.  I have been so hurt by it and had been telling my parents that I was over them!  I felt that they just didn't care about me.  Well, just last Sunday, we decided to head up to my parents on a whim.  My brother came in storming mad at me because we didn't call him and tell him we were at my parents (we live an hour away!).  I was shocked and didn't know how to respond at first.  Long story short, we cleared up the relationship, I am relieved to know my brother loves me.  I called my other brother that night too and made plans to hang out!  God is good!

*This is maybe not as serious, but I truly feel this is a miracle.  My sons have Micky Mouse dolls that we take each trip to Disneyland every time we go.  They got them their very first time there and are very attached.  Last week Maximus lost his at Disneyland.  We didn't know if it was on a ride, or if it fell off the stroller?  As soon as we realized it was gone, the boys and I prayed!  We prayed that the right person would find it.  We went to Lost and Found gave the description and hoped for the best.  I got a call Monday that they found Maximus' Mickey Mouse!  I was shocked and in awe at what an amazing God we have!

Here is a pic of us on the way that day...

The benefit of bringing Mickey every time is the boys don't feel the need for something new all the time!  The appreciate what they have.  They are mailing the other Mickey and it should be here any time.  They can't wait to be reunited ;-)

The list goes on and on!  I just feel like God is preparing me for something big!  I pray its two new miracles!

I did my first PIO shot today... transfer is in five more days!  I've quit caffeine, no more wine... We are SO ready!

Having Faith Through Trials

It is so crazy how God uses times like this to stretch our faith.  I mean, C and I really believed we would get pregnant the first try again with our December 2014 IVF. Ha!  It has almost been one whole year of starting IF treatments for baby #3, and no bambino!  I think that would have been to easy for God.  I think he would rather use this time to grow our faith and give us an amazing story to share with others to give Him all the glory.  I mean, Rocco and Maximus's story just keeps getting more and more miraculous, if I don't say so myself!

How on earth we every conceived, let alone conceived twins, is beyond my brain.

Born with a Septated Uterus

Two surgeries to remove it.

Have PCOS

Have MTHFR gene mutation (everyone with PCOS does, apparently)

Husbands sperm cannot penetrate my eggs (reason unknown)

Almost complete IVF failure

TWO healthy gorgeous boys born Aug. 5, 2011

WHAT AN AMAZING GOD WE HAVE

When I sit and reflect on that, I'm just blown away.  Now, how can I be upset that this time hasn't gone as planned!?  Yes, it is painful, yes, we wish it worked the first time, but then God wouldn't have answered our very first prayer of starting this journey for #3, which was, "Lord, please give us just enough!"  One of our fears was having left over embryos.  Now we won't.  We've used them all, or are about to. Each one will have been placed where it was supposed to go.  They have all been prayed over.

We are currently doing a bible study on faith.  I have to say the timing couldn't be more perfect.  One of the the things I've been struggling with isn't faith, because I believe our God can do anything (see above), but trusting that he will do it again for me.  TRUST has been such a big word for me as we go through this.  It is a scary thing to put all of your trust in something/someone.  I was really convicted about this, going through FET #4.  I wanted to put a wall up, go through the motions, so my heart won't break again, but that is not trusting in what He can do.  I am going to believe in the impossible.

"According to your FAITH, will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29

My faith is strong, My trust is finally catching up, I am believing and praying for our miracles.

Our tentative transfer date is going to be October 16th.  Prayers appreciated :)

Results of Endo Biopsy.

Negative.

This means that my uterus is ready to go, and had been ready to go these last three try's.  This means that there is nothing more we can do.  This means that we continue to put the lives of these embryos in our Fathers hands.  This means that we continue to pray that they will make a life, each of them.

Trust.

I trust in His plan and his will for my life and these embryos lives.  I have surrendered to His design.

Amen.

Change of Plans...

I had been feeling very unsettled, and frustrated, to say the least. This last month, while on "Reset," I emailed Dr. R.  Dr. R moved full time to the Beverly Hills office and no longer does appointments in the Orange County office, where I am.  I had been feeling like I was slipping through the cracks.  No one was taking charge of us, or being our advocate.  Here is my email, copied and pasted...

Hi Dr. R!

I called your office to make an appointment, but your first avail was Sept 17 and I should be starting a new cycle next week.  Sorry, I didn't call sooner!  We are actually in Hawaii right now and enjoying the 'break,' but are ready to try again.

So, this is where we are at.  We have two 'just okay' six day embryos left, which is why we want to transfer both AND this will also be our last time trying.  If these don't work, we want to close this chapter and just enjoy our family of four, which we are beyond blessed with and so thankful for!

However, since this is our last time trying, we want to make sure we do EVERYTHING right and ask all the right questions.  This can be our follow up! :)

1. Why do you think the last three transfers didn't take? Bad embryos? Bad batch?  Does my body not like frozen embryo's?  

2. Before my last transfer, I asked the nurse about doing assisted hatching.  She said that is usually done at the time the embryo's are made and before freezing.  Is this true?  Do we have this option? Do you think this will help?  If it is an option, why has no one suggested it?

3. I did a little reading, I googled specifically, "three failed FET's,"  and found that uterine scratching/biopsy gave a 20% increase in implantation. Do you do this?  Should we do this?

4. What else if anything can we do to make this cycle successful?

5. I also read that Immune problems can cause your IVF to be unsuccessful.  I know I've already been pregnant and given birth, but could I have something new?

6.  Can we have Christine be our embryologist at transfer time?  :)  Looking forward to going to back to Redondo.

7. Do the different offices of Rep Partners have different success rates?

Okay I think that is all!  I wish I had you for all of my other transfers, but I'm hoping to make this last one a taker!  Praying for our take home baby! :)

Thank you Dr. R!

Chris and Sara

 

It took him FIVE days to respond.  I felt like I was bothering him.  Apparently they over book at the BH's office, and they even had Kim Kardashian as a patient, so that makes them more in high demand.

 

Anyway, my nurse had to call him before I could get a response!  His reply's were short and didn't really give me much of anything for comfort.  No other plan.

 

Here is his response...

 

Sara and Chris

 

I hope that you enjoyed (or are still enjoying) your vacation.

 

I understand your wanting to  transfer 2 embryos.  You just need to acknowledge the risk and understand the risk of twins.
1)      I do not know what you haven’t conceived.  Everything looks great.  It could be simply that we have found the normal embryo(s) for this cycle yet.
2)      We routinely hatch embryos when we do day 3 transfers and in day 5 when the zonas (the “shell”) is thickened.  We can do it if you want on the embryos prior to transfer.  We just have to get the lab a note
3)      Uterine scratching does not work.  We thought it did but more information has been generated and most MDs feel that it is not helpful.
4)      ???
5)      Nothing immunologic that we know of will be helpful in your case.
6)      If you want Kris to help, we can asked her.
7)      The clients are different so the successes are a little different but these differences are NOT real.

 

Dr. R

 

This gave me no hope. Except, maybe we just haven't found our one good embryo?  I wasn't settled.  I messaged another Dr in the practice anonymously on a forum they have. He replied that it was true that the scratch has now been found to not really add to anything, but suggested a biopsy of my lining, that will also include the scratch so when "next year they find it to work again, you will have done it!"

 

BAM!  I like how this doctor thinks! 

 

However, I no longer felt comfortable to email of ask Dr. R.  I called my nurse, she called Dr. R, and asked him to call me, I received a text from him that said, "yes, that is probably as good idea."

 

Seriously!? Probably!? Probably is not good enough for me!  I need to hear a definitive yes or no!  The next morning I called again in tears.  I spoke to Patty, she is so sweet, and totally understood my frustration.  I spoke with Dr. A, whom I also totally trust.  She told me that she was surprised I came up with the Endometrium biopsy on my own and that she wanted to suggest it to me after our last appointment, but I wasn't her patient!  I told her that Dr. R had stopped being my advocate after he moved and I was slipping through the cracks.  She agreed.  She scheduled me for the following day.

 

The following day, which was this past Friday, I had Endo Scratch/biopsy done!  It wasn't bad at all, and I'm usually such a baby.  I took 800 mg of ibuprofen, said a prayer asking the Lord to take away the pain, and I barely felt cramps.  It took less than five minutes and felt like a pap smear at most.  I've been spotting the last couple days and have had ZERO pain, and the bleeding is now stopping.

 

With only two embryo's left, I really wanted to make sure we crossed all of our T's and dotted all of our i's.  I just couldn't go through another FET doing the same thing and hoping for the best.  I will get the result of the biopsy at the end of the week.  They are looking for inflammation or an infection which is pretty common and asymptomatic.  If all is normal, at least we did the scratch! 

 

We were supposed to transfer this coming Friday, but now Dr. A had me start prometrium to start my period.... then we will do our last and final FET.

 

Sorry this post was so long!  I had so much to get off my chest.  I honestly believe, God is using this time to grow my faith, and help me to trust him MORE... even if nothing comes from all of this. The day of my break down, I was feeling not only frustrated with my doctor care, or lack there of, but also frustrated that I wasn't seeing a clear cut path on what we should do, like we did with the boys.  When we went through IVF with the boys, I was calm, I felt peace and totally trusted the Lords leading.  I've felt lost this time.  I realized that day, that I needed to give these embryos over to the Lord, they are his after all, not mine.  Just like I did in the past.  I pictured the cross up on a hill, and a duffle bag, with "embryos" written across it.  I push it to the cross, because he promises to carry our burdens for us!

 

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is east to bear and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30

 

I can honestly say, I feel peace.  No matter the outcome, I know I can trust Him, and I know his plans are for good.

 

Our last chance....

I want to start by thanking those of you who commented on my last post.  Thank you for your kind words and words of encouragement.  I definitely needed some time to mourn the loss of yet another embryo and chance to give Rocco and Maximus a sibling.  C was very devastated too. He thought for sure our third embryo would be a taker.

The past month has been so good for us.  A break from TTC, and a chance to just be 'us' again.  Breaks are SO good!  Its hard taking breaks especially the older I am getting, and I'm sure some of you can relate.  I'm 34, and I always said I would be done by 35, God always has a way of changing our plans doesn't he?

But here we are, we have two "okay" embryos left.  We are transferring both. Its funny what IF does to a person.  In the beginning, C was VERY adamant about only wanting one baby, and only transferring one embryo.  But after almost 1 year since we started the journey for #3, we just want a healthy baby or two!  We want better chances, and to be done.  IF takes such a toll every month.  Every negative or loss is heartbreaking, and it takes time to recover again.

My boys ask me for a baby sister.  Just yesterday Rocco said, "I want God to give me a baby sister."  I replied, "I want God to give you a baby sister too!  Sometimes God says 'no' or 'not yet' and we don't always know why.  But Mommy loves you and Maximus SO much, and I am SO happy with just us!"  It might just be us four, and I have to be okay with it, I can be okay with it... I will be okay with it.  Please Lord help me be content if your answer is no!

I've been looking into adoption as well, not to seriously yet, but a little.  I've looked at international verses domestic. Both are hard and take a lot of time.  I'm open to it, but the process is difficult. We really need to pray about it. And its hard to think about when we still have two beautiful blasts waiting to go home in my uterus.

Last cycle post FET #3 was a fast one, 34 days.  I  had a feeling it would be a good one since I felt really good and healthy. Today I'm CD6 and am my E2 Vivelle dots.  Our tentative transfer date it September 25.

What we are doing different this cycle?  Starting at square one...  Going back to where we conceived our sons.  We are transferring our embryos to the Redondo Beach office, Dr. R (my original dr) will be doing my transfer, I am having Kristine be our embryologist (she was our embryologist with our boys), and we are doing assisted hatching (that will be different.).

I want to say I'm hopeful, but my heart breaks in reality.  I don't want to lose these last two.  I'm praying these will be our take home babies, both of them.  I'll take the bedrest, I'll take the pains, I'll take the C-section, I'll take it all for these two little ones to make it.  I love these two. 

I loved all of them.  Each one has caused me heartbreak each one has caused me to love it, and want it.  I just have to believe, the ones we lost will be waiting for me in Heaven.  That is only what makes sense to my feelings.  They were a life, they were alive, they just didn't make it.

I caved... FET #3

Stark freaken white.

I know my body too well.

9dp5dt... FET#3

As of yesterday, all symptoms, are gone.  No cramps, no sore bbs (well at least no more sore than they were), nothing is noticeable anymore.  I have to admit, I'm feeling completely let down.  I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach saying, "this didn't work."

Before yesterday, I had the "I'm 90% sure this DID work," feeling. Why!? Why!? Why is this so dang hard.  Why does this hurt so bad?  It is so true that no matter where you are in your journey, if you have one kid, two kids, or however many, any amount of IF really hurts.  My heart feels broken once again.

I really needed to cry this morning. I did.  I felt better.  For some reason my mind keeps going back to this image...

"The Child Who Was Never Born" by Martin Hudeceka

My heart is heavy. For all of us.

I have not POAS, so I know I don't have a definitive answer, but I am not optimistic.  I'm sorry for being so down and depressed.

The one time I want to be bloated (my one real definitive symptom), my stomach is as flat as a board.

6dp5dt... FET #3!

Today marks the day I got my BFP for FET #1, and the day I tested last month. This month, I have no desire to test. I have no desire to see a pink line, since there is no guarantee there will be a strong BETA. I also don't want to see another BFN, I would want to quit all my meds again! I was an emotional wreck last month... And the month I saw pink lines. I don't know how some of you do it, each and every cycle. I'm am done with the POAS... For now! I even have two FRER's sitting in my bathroom and I'm not tempted in the least.

When I knew l was going to do PIO shots, I also vowed not to symptom spot, since I knew my symptoms would be different and probably stronger. However, it is so hard not to pay attention to everything. I can feel things that are different, and that gives me hope!

The past weekend end was crazy busy, sorry I didn't update! We spent the day at the beach for my nieces 14th birthday (where does the time go?!). I remember when she was born, I was studying abroad in Florance, Italy. I received the email of her beautiful picture and cried! She was so cute and is really turning into such a wonderful young lady (that makes me sound old, but it's true!).

My "symptoms"

3dp5dt- really sore bb's (PIO), crampy, in a melancholy mood. Just relaxed on the beach watching the wave while my parents played with my boys in the waves. It was so nice. It the morning I was super grumpy with C and the boys, but that went away.

4sp5dt- Randomly decided to take basal body temp ... 98.6!  I was irritable again. Super tired, bb's sore, and crampy. These cramps are really throwing me off. I've never had them so bad! It makes me a little worried, but I've also read positive stories with cramps. I had NO sex drive. We are NOT BDing until heartbeat, but I also need to take care of C... I was super grumpy about it. Not in the mood AT ALL!

5dp5dt- in a much better mood today. I woke up at 5, had to pee and could not fall back asleep, but laid there til 630. Took BBT again... 99.0!! That is the highest it has ever been for me! I retook it four times to be sure. All morning I felt to hot like a hot flash. Gagged while brushing teeth. Super duper crampy in the afternoon, felt like period cramps. Gagged while cleaning off the boys lunch plate of leftover hummus. So odd for me. BB's a little less sore? Not sure. Also INCREASED sex drive. Really wanted the BD, but knew we shouldn't... Poor C!

6dp5dt- woke up having the most vivid sex dream, ever! It was so REAL! I've read about that happening to people, but I never understood it... Until now! Maybe it's because we can't BD?! Took temp... 99.1!!!! What?!?! Retook it 4 times and then took C's to make sure my thermometer was working... His was 97.7! I'm not sick at all. I had some light cramps in the morning, but now I feel fine. My bb's are less sore but still full.  My low back is a little achy this afternoon and I'm still really crampy.  I even thought about taking a tylenol, but I know these are period cramps.

That is it for symptoms! This week has been crazy. My poor dog, Oliver, tore his ACL on Saturday. We think from jumping off our back yard table. Didn't see it. He is having surgery tomorrow morning. Please pray for him. He is my first born, my baby :(

Staying Busy! 2dp5dt... FET#3

Well, today I was off bedrest and today I was BUSY!  I had almost no time to obsess over my symptoms... or google!

That is the key to the 2WW... STAY BUSY!!  Time will fly by :)

This morning I rushed my twins to their regular Friday swim lesson.  They have been going since they were 13 months old.  I am so happy that I've been consistent with them because they are now better swimmers than me at three years old!  They now swim with big arms, know the back stroke, and are working on side breathing.  Next year, at 4 1/2 I plan to put them on the swim team!  Its really amazing seeing them swim and I am so glad they are water safe!  I highly recommend everyone with kids to find a swim school that teaches water safety, i.e. floating on the back first!

After that, I had to RUSH home because I realized I FORGOT to put my E2 patches back on after the shower!  I was freaking out... just a little bit! I probably had them off 1 hour total, so I know I didn't wreck anything, but still!  Oops!

We headed to the protected wetlands after our stop at home, to explore nature and go for a walk.  It is 5 min from our house and the boys love it.  It is where the ocean comes in, fish lay eggs, birds nest, there are all kinds of sea creatures, etc.  One time a dolphin got trapped in there and had to get rescued!

Here are a few pics from our day...

Maximus Matteo finding little sea creatures

Rocco and Maximus, my big boys!  I love how they hold hands!

Throwing rocks and searching for crabs :)

After that we went on a little day date for lunch.  Just us three... and my pooch Oliver!  It was such good quality time.

We went home to rest up a bit before C came home to take us fishing!  We have a little lake in our city, it is called Central Park, but we aren't in NYC obviously, but I do love where we live.

Maximus

Rocco and Daddy 

Mommy and Maximus :)

We literally live 5 min from the lake and Rocco was asleep before we were home.  It is hit or miss with the naps lately,  but today he obviously needed one.  He was OUT!  I laid him on the couch, fed the rest of us, put jammy's on him and he didn't even wake up!  I had BOTH boys asleep before 7PM... a record!

2dp5dt symptoms...

Not too many, but I am still having a lot of cramping, which surprises me!  Can that be from the progesterone?  I really only felt it when I was sitting, driving, etc. but they were pretty consistent today. My bb's are HUGE and SORE.  We'll see if they continue.  

I saw that in my pregnancy with my boys, they were super sore, then got less sore, then got SUPER DUPER sore... bloating is my real giveaway.  I know its too early for anything HCG wise.  I love this timeline...

This is what happens in a 3 day transfer:

1 day post transfer - embryo is growing and developing
2  days post transfer - Embryo is now a blastocyst
3 days post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5 days post transfer - Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells &  fetal cells
8 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
10 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

This is what happens in a 5 day (blastocyst) transfer:

1 day post transfer - Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2 days post transfer - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3 days post transfer - Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4 days post transfer - Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5 days post transfer - Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6 days post transfer - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
8 days post transfer - More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
9 days post transfer - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Keeps things into perspective! :)