Our Christmas pics...

Me and my loving, oh so supportive, husband!
Oliver (my baby), and I
Our Happy Family (sans Zoe our cat, she jumped over the wall)



On a slightly happier note, I thought I would share some Christmas pics of my family

In Mourning Again...

I am so depressed today. I really don't have much to write, except that my temperature dropped today and now I'm in waiting for AF to show her ugly face... I can't think of any thing else, so this it it, I guess.

My day at the RD...

was so awesome! I'm seeing Diane Keddy (Dianekeddy.com) MS, RD, FAED, a registered dietitian and nutritionist who focuses on these things:

Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating disorder, and emotional eating

•Members of Overeaters Anonymous (OA)

•Children and teens with picky eating

•ADD, ADHD and Asperger's

•Depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder

•Hypoglycemia

•Weight loss

•Diabetes, pre-diabetes and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

•Menopause and mid-life weight gain

•Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

•Wellness and optimum health

•High cholesterol, high triglycerides and high blood pressure

•Heart disease prevention

•Cancer prevention

•Autoimmune illness

•Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome and arthritis

•Interstitial cystitis

•Other medical concerns

She was so was thorough! Our appt was 1 1/2 hours. She asked me so many questions to get a good basis of where I am physically as well as emotionally. I brought my blood work in. She went over it, I'm healthy as a horse, except I have elevated testosterone and my glucose levels were in the high but normal range, therefore I'm not IR (Insulin resistant).

I have always struggled with poor body image. I started this at a very young age actually. My first memory is when I was about in third or fourth grade. I was kneeling and I remember telling my mom that I wish I could cut off part of my thigh. Was I over weight or fat? Far from it. But I was a minority where I went to school. My friends were of Asian, Hispanic, or Black decent, had small frames and were quite thin. I was tall, German, and had a larger body frame. Now, my husband says I look like a "Coke bottle." I guess that's a complement.

Come puberty, I began getting more "curvy," got acne, and had very irregular periods. After school in High School, my friends (who were size zero's) and I would go to Carl's Jr and get a famous star, criss-cut fries, and a Mr. Pib. They would stay skinny, I would get fat. I didn't get it. We were all active, hiking in the hills, skate boarding to get around. But I was the one always gaining weight.

When I was 17, I started paying attention to nutrition labels. I remember the shock about what was in soda... 44 grams of sugar and 150 calories. I quit drinking soda then. I really cleaned up my diet, but focused on calories, rather than quality of food.

In college I always took an exercise class, jogging, weight training, yoga, etc. I was still very diet conscience. I got skinnier... about 140 lbs on my 5'6" large framed body. I looked good.

The last two years of college, I worked at a gym. I ate super healthy, worked out like 5-6 days a week. I never met my goals. I still had cellulite on my rear and my "six pack" never developed. I was a personal trainer. I knew what to do, why couldn't I get there?

After years of always trying to get to my "ideal," years of being on a diet, years of trying the next best thing, I realized that maybe that would never happen. Maybe there were more important things to focus on.

Now I'm here. I still struggle with wanting the "perfect body," but now, wanting a baby more. Diane let me know that many PCOSr's struggle with this same thing. Because our bodies produce too much insulin, the excess get stored as fat, hence the difficulties in losing weight. She is going to be working with me on getting my body healthy as well as my mind. I need to have a better relationship with food and a better body image since I'm going to be a mom one day. Kids pick up eating disorder issues and poor body image issues as young as two years old. I need to show them how to eat dessert in a healthy way. I usually don't keep it in the house. Kids who grow up in Orange County are even at a greater risk (Anyone watch The real OC House Wives?).

Diane is going to be working with me every three weeks on these issues. She also says I will probably lose some weight because I will be controlling my insulin levels by eating a low glycemic diet. I was shocked to learn that sour dough bread (my favorite!), was a lower GI than whole wheat bread, and that cake was a low GI because of the fat! I really like this "diet!"

Here is what she is having me do to start:

1) Continue Prenatal Vitamin, Metformin, Vitamin D, Calcium (Discontinue B-complex, baby asprin)

2) 3 odorless Fish oil cap's (1800 mg EPA/DHA)/day

3) Sleep 8 hours/night (I struggle with that during work week)

4) Skip the gym. Walk the dog 20 min. one day, 40 min the next. Yoga and light weights okay 2 days/week at home. (Any stress on the body tells it not to get PG).

5) Breathing exercises to reduce stress

6) A Low GI diet (she gave me a book with all the foods listed. Shocking!)


The IF Journey continues...

Not sure what to do.

I have been doing so much research on PCOS its crazy. I feel so educated on it! I know that diet plays such a huge role. I eat super healthy as it is... I eat a clean diet (whole grains, lean meats, fruits, veggies, nothing processed, etc.). But, I wanted more info on eating to balance hormones. I found a dietitian in Newport Beach who specializes in PCOS. When I spoke with her she was so friendly, VERY informative and extremely helpful. I have an appointment with her on Monday.

I told her that I knew diet was influential in PCOS and that it can help with symptoms. She replied that "yes, diet played a huge role but that metformin was also key." She was shocked that I was not on it AND that no one had every talked to me about it... So am I! I'm surprised that Dr. D never put me on it, especially since research shows it makes PCOSr's more fertile! One of my friends, is currently doing follistim and she had been on met for about 3 months prior to starting. She is not insulin resistant (neither am I), but her RE put her on it immediately. She got pregnant on the second try... although it was a chemical pregnancy, she still got pregnant! With PCOS, our androgens (male hormones) are high, which studies show it can lower egg quality! I'm pissed that my RE never gave me Met, prior to doing follistim!

Anyways, I am considering taking it. I called Dr. D and he said it wouldn't hurt (obviously!).

BTW, I think PCOS causes your body to give you signs of ovulation and then you don't fully get there. I was COMPLETELY WRONG the other day. I feel like an idiot and almost didn't write about this, but I don't want to be posting false info. I HAVE NOT ovulated yet. But, I do think I'm close.

I also read a while ago that your body can give you mixed signals... hence the clear blue easy fertility monitor isn't always accurate for those of us with PCOS! I am still using those hard to read OPK's, haven't got a positive yet. I just thought that maybe it was wrong because I drink so much water, it couldn't pick it up! Oh well. Will post when I see my temp jump. I am currently CD21. Lets pray its earlier that last month, which was CD30! So frustrating!

Unbelievable...

I am in shock and utter disbelief! I am now a FIRM believer in acupuncture... and Gods miracles! I just ovulated on CD 19... the earliest in my life! I probably sound like a broken record from last month, but its EARLIER than last month... 11 days EARLIER! Its almost a NORMAL cycle! So amazing.

Since I have now been paying attention to ALL the signs your body gives you prior to ovulation, I knew I was going to O this week. I was a crazy woman all this week... wanting to jump my husband and BD every second (I am not exaggerating!)! Since last thursday I have been like a cat in heat (Is this what its like to have normal hormones floating threw your body?)! Then since I started checking my Cervical Mucus (CM) last month, I knew what to look for this month. I had very water CM since Thursday (thank you Evening primerose oil!), and then last night it was egg white (sorry TMI). I actually think I am still fertile because I haven't seen my temp jump yet... I'm anticipating that for tomorrow. We have been BDing like crazy, so if I'm not pregnant this month I will be shocked!

Anyways, other than that good news everything has been peachy. We got the house all decorated right after thanksgiving, along with our fabulous Christmas tree. I love love LOVE christmas, so I am looking forward to what it brings... Baby? We'll see, I've been praying for a baby every day!!!

No Bambino

I started my period last Thursday, four days earlier than expected. I'm not sure why that happened. I thought the Luteal phase was always the same!? Mine was 15 days during my last unmedicated cycle, this time it was 11! I know that's not good or at least it doesn't help with implantation. I thought I was going to be upset when/if I started my period, but I wasn't. I was actually happy that I had my shortest cycle ever... 41 days!

I did some more research on the Luteal phase however, and there were some possible reasons. Either, my progesterone (p4) levels dropped too much or I ovulated earlier than my chart says.
Here is the website for my chart:

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/22bba0

In any regard, through research I found some more things I could do to help with my pcos. This cycle I am going to try adding natural P4 cream. I read that most PCOSr's are low or deficient adding it to your 2ww is very helpful. It helps create a better lining, can lengthen your luteal phase, and help regulate your cycle. Here are some good articles:

http://www.ovarian-cysts-pcos.com/progesterone.html
http://www.virginiahopkinstestkits.com/pcos.html

I went to mothers market (a health food store) and purchased the most popular brand they had there, with the help of an employee.

The other thing I read about was the benefits of taking baby asprin (81 mg). It helps thin out the blood and increases blood flow to the uterus and ovaries, helps increase uterine lining and prevents miscarriages... plus its good for your heart!

Loving life again...

I haven't written in here in a while. Why? Because I am too busy loving life again! My stress levels have gone waaayyy down. I feel great. My energy is back up too!

Since my last post, I have seen my accupuncturist, Teri Carrick, 4 times. Each time I have relaxed a little bit more and the last two times I fell asleep! It is very relaxing. When I am laying there I pray. For the first time I actually prayed for God to heal me from PCOS... there's a thought! Why didn't I think of that before!? Did I not think that the ultimate healer had the power to do such miraculous things!? Well, I realized that I never gave my fertility, or infertility, over to Him. I was carrying this burden on my own! It really took a toll.

When I need to give something to God, a burden I can no longer carry, I picture the cross. I picture me pushing a heavy bag with, for example, FERTILITY, written across the front of it. I was doing this daily for a while. Its a constant battle. Then one day, I was envisioning this scene and I saw God's hand come down and pick up my bag! I have never scene that before. I feel like it was God telling me, "I got it Sara, you can let go now." It was an awesome feeling.

So, what I'm doing now... eating a 40/30/30 clean diet natural of unprocessed foods, working out 6days/week (cardio, weight training, core training, yoga), going to acupuncture once/week, taking Chinese herbs twice/day, Vitex tincture 3 times/day (helps regulate cycle), drinking red rasberry leaf tea (helps tone the uterus and regulate cycle) twice/day, eating goji berries (good quality eggs), taking a prenatal, evening primrose oil (helps soften cervix and produce good CM), and eating lots of healty, omega 3 fats! Geeze that sounds like a lot! hahaha... But, this is a holistic approach. All of this is healthy. I am not masking my symptoms with some western medicine drug. I feel better, I am happier, healthier, AND I HAD MY EARLIEST UNMEDICATED OVULATION EVER (cd30)!! I am now in my 2ww. And if it doesn't happen. I will be okay. I know that God is in control and we WILL get our baby... in HIS timing.

What a week...

This week has been tough... sick with the flu, realized you can only go on vacation with some people, canceled appointments, unmotivated to ttc... again.

So, Vegas wasn't a hit after all. It sounded like a perfect plan, in theory. Get away from it all... no stress... etc.! It started off that way... Chris and I got to the Monte Carlo at midnight, went right to bed. We slept in the next morning (so nice!), went to breakfast, I had coffee (hadn't had that in 2 months!), had no agenda, and read the paper. After breakfast we got ready for the gym, I worked out (hadn't done that in 2 months!), and then relaxed in the steam room and spa! Then we came back to the room ordered room service and took a 2 hour nap. It was a great day! Then, my friends showed up...

They paid for a hotel for us at Hard Rock... so not our scene. Long story short, we stayed up way too late at places that are not our scene! I learned that some friends are just friends you go to lunch with!

Once I got home... Home Sweet Home... I had a horrible cough! I thought it was from all the nasty cigarette smoke, but it turned into something else... THE FLU! No not H1N1, just the stinkin FLU. I had a fever of 101.3, missed 3 days of work, and am now just feeling better. I had to cancel my hysteroscopy, and acupuncture appt., although I rescheduled the acupuncture for today! Unfortunately, I now have to wait another cycle to do the hysteroscopy (I needed a break anyways!).

Acupuncture today was interesting. The acupuncturist, Teri, was nice, but wasn't very informative... which I don't like. I like to know details. She only asked me a few questions diagnosed me by looking at my tongue! She put a heat lamp on my feet and pelvic area and then stuck me... but, it doesn't hurt. She then turn down the lights and put on Enya. I had a hard time relaxing, probably because it was my first time. I kept thinking about that Sex in the City episode where Charlotte when to see the acupuncturist and once she had all these needles in her face all she could hear was the traffic and street noise! She freaked out and couldn't relax! I calmed myself down and said I was NOT going to be her.

Once we were done, she gave me some Chinese herbs to take (no idea what they are!) every morning and night. Its supposed to help bring everything to balance. She said not to expect change for a couple months,which is what I expected. She said the main thing is she is going to focus on de-stressing me.. I guess she could tell I was uptight. Who woulda thought!?

Vegas Baby Vegas...

BTW... Chris and I decided to play hooky tomorrow and get away from it all! I got a sub and we are leaving for Vegas in a hour! When Life gets tough... go to Vegas!

A new outlook...

Okay, I didn't start my day that way. I was actually on the verge of tears on and off on the way to work. I was feeling so helpless. I told God last night that I was "a lost sheep." At least that's how I felt. I was praying last night for guidence as well as for healing from PCOS. Anything is possible right? I know God does miracles.

Anyway, I had left a message on a PCOS thread asking what the women used to get pregnant. When I got to work I opened my email and found this message. It made my day:

Hi Sara, I'm so sorry you are feeling so helpless; I understand how challenging this struggle is. Here is my story: After TTC for 3 1/2 yrs, my husband & I decided to seek help from a RE. I went on Metformin, which did not help. I then tried 2 rounds of Clomid followed by 3 rounds of Follistim; nothing worked for me. We then progressed to Follistim with an IUI which also failed. I felt I was at the end of my rope, much like you are feeling now. My husband & I had already invested so much into starting a family that we could no longer afford the financial and emotional toll. We decided to take a 6 month break and save for IVF. In the meantime, this is what I did: -Worked out 5 times a week, ate healthy and lost 10 lbs -Used the Cleareblue Easy Fertility Monitor so I would know for sure when I was ovulating. My cycles were between 35-90 days and it turns out that I usually ovulate on day 21. If I didn't have this monitor, I would have been trying to conceive one week too early. -Acupuncture treatments 3 times a week. After 3 months, I conceived and had a healthy pregnancy. I truly believe all 3 things contributed to finally being able to conceive. I don't believe you can "relax and just let it happen". That was one of the most frustrating things to hear while struggling with infertility. I wish you all the luck in the world. Don't give up, keep fighting and your dream WILL come true. Jackie

Thank God for this email! I am newly inspired and will not give up! I know God can do miracles I just need to be patient But, I went online bought ovulation strips, Fertile Aid for men (even though Chris has lots of sperm, it doesn't hurt!), and new digital BBT. We are also going to use preseed and I have an appointment with a acupuncturist on Tuesday who plans on using herbs to help regulate my cycle! I am excited and rejuvenated about this new path.

Once AF starts, I am still going to call Dr. D to set up for my hysteroscopy to ensure my uterus is still open from my surgery in April, and also have the IVF consultation. It doesn't hurt to listen!

UGH

Dr. D finally called at 230! As soon as I knew it was my RE I knew it was a BFN. Of course I asked why? He said it could be a number of things because there is no reason it shouldn't have worked, being that I'm 28, released 5-6 eggs, DH sperm is an A+, etc. So he said that it could be that the shell of the egg is too firm, or the sperm don't have this enzyme to break the shell of the egg, etc. He also wants me to have an Hysteroscopy again to check on my uterus to make sure it didn't seal shut since I had that septum removal surgery in April. He did one in May, but we didn't start TTC again until Aug. So, if all that is clear he wants to have an IVF consultation.

I'm supposed to call when I start my period, probably tomorrow since I quit the progesterone yesterday (Great choice!). But, my husband and I don't want IVF. There are too many cases where it doesn't work. Plus, we are not sure about the ethics of creating a ton of embryo's and dumping the rest. I know there is still much to learn. I'm not throwing in the towel on that yet. However, I am already a nervous wreck and emotionally drained from the injectables. I would be completely and utterly devastated if it didn't work. I am already completely and utterly devastated injectables didn't work. We are taking a break... Except I'm going to try accupuncture and herbs to try to help regulate my period... at least see if it helps!

I made an appt. for next Tuesday at a wellness center. I spoke with the accupuncturist about what she could do for PCOS and irregular menses. She said that she prescribes chinese herbs which can help regulate menses, will teach me to eat the proper foods for fertility, and of course, acupuncture for everything else. I will learn more on Tuesday.

I'm not sure if I want to give up temping, and I'm still considering getting OPK's. I'm wondering if I will ovulate sooner since being on all these meds! That would be awesome! My last unmedicated cycle was 53 days! I think I have a lazy left ovary! My right ovulated every time on the medicated cycle and not my left. Also I tend to ovulate every other month, so that would make sense.

What I'm realizing, and what I said this entire time is that, yes, medicine works, but ultimately its God who has the power to make pregnancy happen! It is in His timing... not mine!


Dear God,

Please give me the patience to wait on what you have in store for Chris and I. I feel like I have been carrying the burden of infertility and have not been waiting on you. I have been trying to do this without you. Please forgive me. I know that you have my best interest in mind. I know that your timing is perfect. Please remind me daily of this. Lord, Chris and I want a child so much, and if it is your will, please grant us the desire of our hearts. Thank you. Amen.

Waiting and waiting...

I hate waiting! It has only been 3dpiui and it feels like forever. At least during stimulation you feel like you are actually doing something. I actually started to LIKE the shots. Hmm... now what?

Today was actually nice. After sleeping 12 hours last night (progesterone?), I woke up, made french toast with veggie sausage and sliced peaches. We laid around for a while and were lazy. It was nice to have no agenda. Later we went down to Central park in Huntington Beach and walked around the lake with my baby, Oliver (I'll post a pic!). He got to play with the ducks and then got chased by a dog eating goose! Very comical. It brought back childhood memories of when I got chased by a goose with teeth! Later, we went and got lunch at the best taco place in town called, surf city taco's... yum!

It was nice and relaxing! No agenda, just me and my man (and my dog, Oliver!).

Extremely nervous...

Those follicles took off! I went in Sunday and those six follies were at 21, 19, 19, 18, 17, and 17mm. My RE still didn't want to trigger. He did my blood work and I got a call that my estrogen was at 900! He wanted me to "coast," which means, no injection for the night. I came back Wednesday to check on them, they were at 24, 23, 22, 21, 17mm, and 17mm. Relief! Only four continued to grow. I got my trigger, only they gave me half the amount, 5000 instead of 10,000iu of HCG. This is so the smaller follicles would not release. However, yesterday I went in for my first IUI. Dr. D checked my follicles and they were at 29, 28, 27, 26, 22, and 21mm! They all grew and are HUGE! I have six mature eggs! I was sure Dr. D was going to cancel this cycle and not go through with the IUI! Instead he says, "There is no reason that you should not be pregnant this cycle." He continued, "If for some reason it doesn't work, we need to sit down and discuss other options." Other options! It has only been 2 months! This is the second time I've ever ovulated (that I know of!)! I thought that most RE's would do 3-4 cycles of injectables + IUI!? Am I mistaken?

Well, I guess I have to look at the brighter side... he's pretty confident that I will be pregnant this month!! I'm just nervous about having a litter!!! I swear, when I first started this Dr. D told me that they like to see 2 or 3 follicles, not 6 and they cancel with more than 4. I have been praying that God guides the RE's decisions that they make the right choices for DH and I. science does a lot, but God allows things to happen as well. Please Lord, allow us to be pregnant... with the amount you know we can handle!

I went in for the IUI, which the nurse performs. DH and I were shocked to find out that his post wash sperm count was much lower that the previous time. It came in at 37 million with 89% motility. Last time we abstained 1 day. This time we abstained 2 days! It didn't make sense. I am guessing that today will be higher... maybe he does better when BD ever day! ha ha ha! I was worried at first, but I know of women getting PG with a much lower sperm count and much lower motility level than we had.

Last night I woke up at 2:30am with the worst pain on my right side. I have four eggs on that side, and I know I was ovulating. Why is my left ovary so lazy? I didn't produce any eggs last month on my left and only 2 this time? Anyways, I am still really crampy and bloated. I guess the high estrogen levels make you that way.

I am leaving for my second IUI in 30 min. We have drop off at 8 and IUI at 9. I decided to take a day off so DH and I can BD and then I can relax and take it easy. Yesterday I was so rushed. Gotta take care of my mental health as well :)

CD 11

I thought I would be getting my trigger today, but my bodies not reacting like it did last month. Last month I started my shots on Friday then did the trigger the following Saturday with two big follicals at 22mm. For them to be considered mature, they need to be at 18mm or above. I went in for my ultrasound and blood work yesterday. On my right ovary I had follies at 16mm, 14mm, 11mm and on my left ovary I had follies at 14mm, 12mm, and 11mm... it was something like that anyways. I have been taking 100iu of follistim since Monday and then Dr. D lowered my dosage back down to 75iu for last night and tonight. I go back for another u/s and b/w tomorrow. I am guessing that I will trigger either tomorrow or Monday and will do my b2b IUI's either Monday/Tuesday or Tuesday/Wednesday. But we'll see.

I love the fact this process goes so quick... especially because it DOES take over your life! You can't go out of town(meds need to be refrigerated and too many RE appointments), you have to be home at certain times during the evening (take shots same time every night!), once your in you 2WW, you can't workout, etc. I can't wait until I'm Pregnant so that I can have my life back! That sounds so crazy, but its true!

Last night my DH and I wanted to go on a date. We ended up going to dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant and having a good time, sans the wine. I really wanted to go see the movie Love Happens, but I had to come home to take my shot! Tonight is my 10 year high school reunion. I originally thought it was last week and I FOR SURE was not going to go because I was still grieving over not getting PG. I really didn't want to see people when I was so down. However, its tonight at 7. I usually take my shots at 8. Now, when am I going to do it? I have no idea yet! TBD. We decided to stay at my parents since we live an hour away from where I grew up. Tomorrow is another RE appointment, which means we have to wake up early to make it back out here! Its craziness... but hopefully it will be well worth it!

Here we go again...

I had my CD3 appointment on Friday. I almost didn't make it due to the WORST cramps of my life. I was literally crawling from the shower to my husband to ask him to get me 800mg of ibuprofen down stairs. From what I read on forums and blogs was that periods were lighter on injectable meds.... NOT FOR ME! Once the ibuprofen kicked in, I barely made it to my 6:45am appointment. I asked Dr. D. why it was so bad and he replied that they got my lining so thick that it causes a heavier period. I wish I knew that before! There is a lot I didn't know... I am finding out.

So this cycle I have a new attitude and I feel much more prepared (physically and emotionally). I began injections on Friday night of 75iu again. Dr. D. said he wanted to continue me on the same schedule as last month because it "was a good cycle."

Here is what I use to do the injections every night:

Follistim Pen, needle, alcohol wipe, gauze pad, needle disposal container, and follistim pen case

I didn't think I would...

cry. I didn't. I didn't think I would be so upset and grieving over the loss of my baby that may never be. It didn't come as soon as I heard the words, "Sara... I'm sorry. It didn't happen this month." When the nurse called to give me my results of the Beta, I knew immediately that the news was not good. But I didn't cry then.

My husband knows me so well. So he had my parents come over to either celebrate with us or support us for when we got the bad news. I am very blessed to have great relationships with my parents. Luckily it was a holiday and we all had it off (thank you Labor Day!). I didn't have to feel the repercussions of the bad news yet. I just enjoyed my day with a glass of wine and played some card games and went swimming. At least the whole day wasn't ruined.

When I was getting ready for bed, I checked my phone. I had my first comment on this blog! I was excited to read it, because I didn't even know anyone was reading my blog! My husband wanted to know what it said, as soon as I began reading the comment to him I started crying. It wasn't the comment that made me cry, however I just needed to cry. The comment helped. I was truly devastated that I was not pregnant.

I cried and my husband held me. We both were disappointed and hurt and don't understand what went wrong. It all seemed so perfect. Everything was right... 2 eggs, good size, good lining, great sperm, etc. It doesn't make sense. The last month I had put my hopes and dreams and envisioned my future family with my husband. I just thought maybe I would be that lucky girl who didn't need multiple cycles of fertility meds. I guess not.

Nothing in this life has come easy for me. I am not lucky. I have jumped through so many hoops to get where I am today. I don't know why I thought this one might be different. Its not. I do have hope though. I hope and pray that all this is worth it in the end and I will have my baby.

Shi* Shi* and Shi*!!!

It didn't work. I am literally shocked. I was so positive! The stupid progesterone gave me so many side effects I was certain. I feel horrible. Back to the ole drawing board...

Why do we suffer?

Church was very good today. I really needed it. It reminded me to rely more on God and less on Google. Google does not have my best interest at heart, God does. Google will not answer my problems, God will. Google will not comfort me through the storms of my life (infertility), God can. So why do we suffer?

To develop faith
To reveal our true character (Job 23:10)
To expose hidden or hurtful sin (Psalm 139:23-24)
To learn obedience (Hebrews 5:8)
To keep down pride
To Glorify GOD

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

Through this message, I received great comfort, to know that God ALWAYS has my best interest in mind.

Another quote that I love is this:

"Instead of telling God how big your mountain is, try telling your mountain how big your God is."

The dreaded 2ww...

Its horrible! Not only have I felt horrible, but its horrible that I don't know whats really going on in there. I am now currently 5 dpo. Its Saturday. Its been officially one week since I got my HCG trigger, 6 days since my first IUI and 5 since my second. Here is what my week has been like:

Monday: IUI, cramps all day, nap, laid around, watched TV, Eat, Bed.
Tuesday: Cramps all day, laid around, watched TV, eat, Laid around, watch tv, took the dog on a very leiserly walk with DH, watch TV, Stayed at my parents with DH.
Wednesday: Cramps all day, went on a walk with mom and dogs, rested, went shopping, rested, read book, ate dinner, went home, bed.
Thursday: Cramps on an off all day, went swimming, picked up house, have a little more energy, rested, made dinner, TV, Bed.
Friday: Cramps on and off all day, did laundry, internet, went to beach, went to dinner with DH's bosses, Sleep.
Saturday: Woke up with AF like cramps, feel tired.

So here I am tired again and still with cramps. I don't get it. I feel like I'm going to start my period, but I know that's not possible. I keep having moments where I think I'm pregnant (I have to be!) and moments where I just know I'm going to get another BIG FAT NEGATIVE! I will be heart broken. I can't wait til the 2ww is o-v-e-r. Its dreadful.

Things changed...

Quick! Saturday I went in for my next u/s and my follies grew from 18 and 17 to 22mm each! The NP did the HCG trigger on the spot. My DH and I were very shocked, nervous, and excited. We weren't really ready for that since we both had mentally prepared for sunday trigger.

I had my first IUI on Sunday. We had an appt. for a drop off at 10 for the semen wash, then IUI at 11. Dr. D checked to see if I had ovulated and I hadn't yet, so I had 76 million strong swimmers waiting for my lil eggs to release. Dr. D was impressed with my DH's #'s because we had only abstained for technically 1 1/2 days (we though IUI was Monday). He said he likes to see more than 10 million, so that was great!

I do NOT like how they do the IUI. They use metal, not plastic, tool to open your vag up, no KY, only H2O. It is not the most comfortable procedure. Then the nurse inserts a catheder into your cervix and immediately your uterus contracts, then continues to contract while she inserts the semen. I was crampy the entire day following, but did fine with some tylenol.

Today I went in for IUI#2. This time at 7 and 8. EARLY! My DH had to work though, so we had to go that early. U/S showed that I had ovulated, which I knew I did (I'm very in tuned with my body... I feel everything!), and BOTH eggs released!!!

Once home, I continued to feel crampy and so I layed down and took a nap. Plus I was extremely tired from the lack of sleep due to being excited about all thats going on :)

So here are my current stats summed up:

Follistim Cycle #1
8/14: 75iu
8/17: u/s lots of follies 10mm b/w E2: 80
8/19: u/s one at 15mm one at 14mm, b/w E2:91
low E2 upped dosage 100iu
8/21: u/s one at 18mm one at 17, lots of smaller.
b/w E2: 220; maintaining 100iu
8/22: u/s two mature at 22mm!! HCG trigger!
8/23: IUI #1 74 million strong swimmers!
8/24: IUI #2 40 million strong swimmers!
8/24: starting progesterone suppositories am/pm
8/31: progesterone blood test
9/7: test date!!!

Update...

Just got home from another appointment with Dr. D. My two follies have grown, one at 18 and one at 17! Today is day 8 on follistim and CD11. I am responding great! I asked Dr. D about my estrogen since it didn't rise much on Wednesday. He says "if it continues to stay low then we will just continue to up my dosage, possibly up to 150, but that is unlikely." So its no problem. I now have to go every day till IUI day. He thinks I will get my HCG shot Sunday and IUI monday and tuesday! I am very excited.

"in ALL things God works for the good"

I was reading my Bible last night and I read that verse. It was a reminder (I need a lot of those) that no matter what we go through in this life that He is there and has our best interest in mind. It got me thinking about my situation. God has been using this time to prepare my husband and I for whatever he has in store for us. Of course I am praying that it includes a baby of our own, but it may not.

When I began this blog not too long ago I wrote a post titled "I'm not that girl," but it seems like the more I write and the more I am going through this process, I am becoming the girl that truly wants to become mother. No, not that it is the end all if I don't or I can't be happy for ANOTHER pregnant friend, but that the Lord is preparing me fully to be a mother. Maybe I need this extra time to contemplate motherhood? All I know is that one day I will be able to look back and have that "aha!" moment and see what God was up to and the reasons I am going through what I am. And then, I can be thankful.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

uggghhh....

I feel horrible today! Yesterday I woke up with knots in my stomach! No, its not from the meds, I got food poisoning! The worst part is, is that it was from leftovers in my fridge... my cooking!!! Horrible! I usually love leftovers! Eeewww.... makes me sick thinking about it. I made spaghetti squash with grilled chicken and pesto. I swear I made it over the weekend, but my husband said that it was from a week and a half ago! SICK!!! At least I ONLY have stomach cramping and no vomiting.

On a different note, I did have a good day yesterday. I went to see my mom and go shopping. It was so much fun! I love it when I have a REALLY good shopping day! I had just finished painting our entry way and living room and needed to get some decor to spruce up the room! I got a lot of amazing things for a great deal! It was a really good shopping day! I was planning on decorating today, but I feel so sick! We'll see.

While shopping, I got a call from Dr. D. He had my lab results. They weren't as good as I hoped. My estrogen only went from 80 to 91, so he upped my dosage of follistim from 75iu to 100iu. I go in again tomorrow for my u/s and b/w. Hopefully we'll see change for the better! I'm praying!

Grow Follies...

GROW!!! I just had my second appointment with Dr. D post shots. I am so excited! I have two dominant follies on my left ovary and a bunch of other little ones. One is measured at 14mm and the other is at 15mm. I know they need to be between 18-22 to do the HCG shot (to make me ovulate). Hopefully we have twins!!! I can't wait till Friday to see how they are doing!!

Yesterday...

was our second anniversary! Which is why I'm blogging today. I was very busy yesterday... for good reasons.

My first appointment post shots was also yesterday. I went in for my u/s, Dr. D checked my ovaries and they are responding. I have a ton of eggs on each ovary measuring 10mm, which is good after three days of shots. I did my blood work and Dr. D called later in the afternoon to tell me that my estrogen level was at 80 (I guess that's good!). I am responding to the VERY low dose of 75. He is keeping me at this level for the next two days. I go in again tomorrow for more blood work and u/s.

I asked a couple more questions this time because I forget every other time I go in. I asked, "what are my chances of multiples?" Dr. D replied that "every couple using injectables has a 20- 25% chance of having multiples, however because you have so many follicles, you have a higher chance." hmmm.... made me think.... he continued, "I am keeping you at a low does so we don't have too many eggs and then have to shut down the 'operation.'" I asked, "how many eggs is too many?" He replied, "I really don't want to have more than three, we don't want you on the cover of People." There it was again!!! Another dig at all the moms with 4+ babies. Geeze... I don't want that either!!

Anyways, I am excited that the Follistim is working and I get to stay on such a low dose! I'm still on the first vile :)

For our lovely anniversary, we went and got massages together, then went to Balboa Island and went to a cute lil Italian Restaraunt called Amalia's ... Very Yummy! I have not been drinking any wine, but did have a glass... It was our anniversary!!

I LOVE YOU BABY! THANK YOU FOR THE BEST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE!

I got shot last night...

in the leg! It took me over 20 minutes to build up the courage. I was literally sweating and having a anxiety attack. What was wrong with me!?! I was told that it hurt less to inject in the stomach, but there is something about shooting it there... I could not do it! My DH is of course afraid of needles, so he could not do it. I was begging him to do it. I felt like I was on top of a high dive and every time he would count down (from the OTHER ROOM!) "3 - 2 - 1" I would yell "WAIT!! I can't do it!!" I had to pray to the Lord to give me the strength and courage to give myself the freakin shot! So finally he said do it in the leg. I did it. There was still some hesitation, but when I did it, I could not believe that was all it was. I literally did not even feel the shot go in! Pretty pathetic.

Here's the thing, when I was younger I had asthma so I got allergy shots in my arms twice a week for a couple of years. I have had so many piercings, and I just go my nose done (for the 3rd time!) in June. What was my problem?!? I guess I could not get over the fact of giving MYSELF the shot. It was scary and I have to say, humbling. But the Lord is good, he is ALWAYS good.

No Easter Hunt Needed Here...

I am on CD 3 and I had my appointment with Dr. D this morning. I was very excited.. especially because my DH came with me.

When I called a few days ago to let them know I started my period (which only took exactly 1 week from the time I received my progesterone shot!), they warned me that they have to do an ultrasound to ensure my ovaries have no cysts on them(THANK YOU PCOS!!!). So the last few days I was so worried that I would have a giant cyst or something and wouldn't be able to begin my injections tonight. But again I had to remind myself (as well as, my mother had to remind me), that it is in God's hands.

Once we arrived to Dr. D's, I got undressed for the u/s. We were both a little nervous about what he might say. I knew I had a lot of follicles, but I wasn't prepared for his comment. First he showed me and DH my NEW AND IMPROVED uterus... then my ovaries and said, "Wow you have a ton of eggs!" I replied, "well that's a good thing, right?" Dr. D continued, "Yes, but we don't want you to be the next OCTOMOM." My husband interjected, " Ya we definately don't want to be the next Chris and Sara plus eight either!" We all kinda laughed. But, its the reality, and its scary!

After I got dressed we went into the other room and went over instructions on how to inject myself (DH is too scared of needles to help me). He is starting me on the lowest dose, of 75, over the weekend to see how my EGGS and ovaries respond. My appointments for next week will be on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and possible every day following Friday. Then he said they want to do two IUI's, possibly starting the following Monday, depending on how my egg's do. HOW EXCITING!!! I COULD BE PREGNANT IN 2 WEEKS!! Please pray for me and my husband if you read this!

No sign yet...

of my period. I have to say I am a little disappointed. I know its only been six days post shot, but I want it to start! I'm not sure how long it is going to take (maybe I should google it!), but I'm very ready. Every time I open the fridge I see my Follistim staring at me in the face. I hate waiting. Everything with baby makin is a waiting game. Sometimes I am so impatient.

My DH and I are celebrating our 2nd anniversary next Monday on the 17th. He is DEFINITELY hoping I start so that I will not be on my period on that day... for obvious reasons ;-) We did celebrate our anniversary in Italy this summer, but this is the official, so of course we are celebrating again.

Currently I am detoxing from coffee and wine. I have not drank wine since the No Doubt concert on August 2. I have to say I am VERY proud of myself. I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I love to enjoy a glass with dinner or friends. Coffee is my other vice. I drink a cup EVERY morning. I started drinking black coffee a year ago from that french vanilla coffeemate creamer. I try to eat a clean diet as much as possible. However, this was VERY difficult. I have not quit coffee but have switched to decaf... slowly. Every few days I use one less scoup of regular and one more scoupe of decaf. Today was my first day of all decaf! Wooo hooo! I want to be the healthiest for my baby, so my baby has a good home for nine months. Plus, I know it increases fertility :)

Wow, wow, and wow...

I am shocked scared and excited all at the same time. On Wednesday I went in to Dr. D's office and saw the NP (Nurse Practitioner) to get a progesterone shot (ouch!) on my bum to start my period. I'm only on CD 21 and with my cycles the way they are, I would've been waiting a while to get this baby makin show on the road. The shot itself didn't hurt too bad, but it now has a bruise and is pretty sore. I even feel it when I go running, which is weird. I guess its the pounding from the pavement.

After the shot I asked the NP what the next steps were. Dr. D gave a couple options a while ago, but never said anything definitively. I new it was either Clomid + IUI or Injectables +IUI. "Dr. D wants to put you on injectables." OMG, really? I wasn't really prepared for that. I just assumed since I haven't tried anything else that I would try Clomid first. The NP explained that with my ovaries the way they were with the "classic string of pearls" and 30-50 follicals on each ovary, they didn't want me to HAVE A LITTER! I replied "I don't either!"

Its kinda been a joke with my DH and I with our close friends and family that we didn't want to me the next Octomom or Jon and Kate. Speaking of Kate, she actually came to our church this year to promote her book an talk about how she and Jon are Christians and are so happily married (but the show cuts that part out), and then a week later Kate and Jon were separating and possible divorcing. I was thinking hmmmm... thats interesting. What she saying and doing are in two separate categories. Anyways I guess thats a topic for another blog.

According to the NP Injectables are safer because they can better gauge how well my ovaries (and follies) are taking the meds and then they are able to adjust the meds accordingly. This is so they don't over stimulate my ovaries. Whereas with Clomid, a pill is a pill, you can't take more or less one day to the next. The outcome is what it is. Hence the need for some women to have to up the dosage the next cycle.

I have to say. I am very excited! Today my order showed up and I received all my meds. I will be taking Follistim AQ (300 unit, 1 vile), Progesterone suppositories, and HCG. I have no idea how to use this stuff yet, but will find out as soon as I start my period! The follistim cam in a ice pack and I had to put it in the fridge right away. There was also two vile's of meds for other shots, and the "pen" for the follistim. I can see how Dr. D will be able to monitor the dosage by the twist of the top of the pen, more or less meds come out in the shot. I showed my DH and he got faint. What is up with men? I don't get it. Anyways he told me he will not be able to give me any shots or he'll pass out! (Another topic for another blog!)

I'm an avid googler. When I don't know something or want to know something, I look it up. Therefore, as soon as I got home I jumped on my comp and I looked up info. and the schedule for Injectables. It states:

Injectables are usually done in conjunction with IUI to get a better success rate, but can also be done with timed intercourse.

Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
1 Menstrual period starts	2	3 Baseline blood and ultrasound Day 1 of stimulation Start FSH shots ("injectables")	4 Day 2 of stimulation FSH shot	5 Day 3 of stimulation FSH shot	6 Day 4 of stimulation FSH shot	7 Blood and ultrasound Day 5 of stimulation FSH shot
8 Day 6 of stimulation FSH shot	9 Blood and ultrasound Day 7 of stimulation FSH shot	10 Stimulation is done - HCG "trigger" shot given in evening Day 8 of stimulation	11	12 Insemination, IUI - (or timed intercourse) in morning	13	14

To inseminate or not to inseminate...

Last night over turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes, my DH (Dear Husband) and I were discussing the possibilities of insemination (I mean what else do you talk about over dinner?). Like most men, this is the worst thing possible. It was hell trying to get him to give a semen sample to Dr. D, and now this (Even though he has a VERY good count 270 million and 60 % mobility)? He thought he was done with that. I had to remind him that the good thing about his sample is that he didn't have to produce it in Dr. D's office because we don't live very far. And that I wasn't working at the moment (teacher... off for the summer!) so I was able to help him out in that dept. I mean how sexy is to to ejaculate in a PLASTIC CUP! Anyways, he still was not convinced.

This morning I was doing a little research on Clomid + IUI. The results are outstanding:
The results DOUBLE!! I told my DH that he needed to go with me to my next appt. with Dr. D. I don't make DH go to all of them because I feel like its a waste of time and I would rather him be bringin home the bacon!

I'm not that girl...

I'm not! I'm not one who is completely obsessed with having kids. I can go to a baby shower and be fine. I can listen to friend after friend tell me that she is pregnant, and be HAPPY for her. Do I want a baby? Yes! But it is not the complete and utter focus of my life. No, there is MUCH more to life than just being a mama. Will I be thrilled if I do become pregnant? ABSOLUTELY! I do want a baby belly. I think it is one of the most beautiful things. I think women are so lucky that we (or most of us) can carry a child... and yes... give birth!

However, for obvious reasons, my DH and I have discussed not having kids. The what if... and actually at this point, we would be okay... sad, but okay.

What would we do if we were not able to conceive? No, not adopt. That is not only for the infertile. It is not our obligation. We talked about doing the following:

-Save money and retire early
-Spend more time with our nieces and nephews
-Travel more
-Retire in an exotic location
-Be able to do what we want and when we want
-Create and keep up hobbies
-Get more involved in ministry/church
-Go on mission trips around the world (have already been to Thailand, Cambodia, and Mexico)

Maybe that isn't the ideal. We both LOVE family. But, we have to have a back up plan. Right? All I know is that God only gives us what we can handle. I have to remind myself of that often. I am praying for Gods will in our lives. I am praying not just for a baby, but I am praying that the Lord will bless us with a baby if it is in His will for our lives.

It has officially been 1 year...

Of trying to conceive! I know I know, most people don't even begin the battle of infertility until now. In some ways my husband and I are extremely lucky! But, this past year we have been through so much (which I will get to). Many ups and downs, hopeful and the shot down.

It was the last week of July, 2008. We had almost been married for one year. We were camping down in San Onfre, CA for the weekend. I was just being silly and told him that my BC were just about finished and maybe we shouldn't get another pack. He agreed!! WHAT!?! I got giddy. That was the last week I took my BC.

August came we celebrated our first anniversary in Hawaii. It was very romantic, just like we had planned. August past and no period. I thought, "Could I be pregnant?" After very pregnant like symptoms (which I learned from Google), pelvic pain, sore breasts, fatigue, etc, no period (!), I took a pregnancy test (or 3) and got my first BFN! I was confused. I know my body I know when I am feeling something... different. FINALLY, September 19 I got my period 54 day cycle! My first red flag!

Although, I have always had irregular periods I thought maybe it would be different now that I'm an adult, a grown woman. I remember a doctor telling me once that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant b/c my cycles were so irregular. At the time I didn't think much of it. I had been on and off b/c since I was 19. It was the only thing that helped my acne which I have always struggled with.

Anyway, I continued to have occasional pelvic pain. I knew something was not right. I made an appointment with my obgyn, she sent me in to have an ultrasound done. When my results came in I could not believe my results. I was diagnosed with a bicornuate uterus (2 uteri). My dr. actually took out a piece of paper and drew what my uterus looked like in comparison to a "normal" uterus. I am abnormal. She said I am unique.

October, I was sent in to have an HSG test. This is where they put a dye in a cathetor and put it through your cervix shoot it into your uterus to make sure there are no blockages in the fallopian tubes and that my uteri are both functioning.

After getting over the shock and coming to the realization that I would most likely end up on bedrest and have to have a c-section, if I got pregnant, I realized God made me this way, for whatever reason, and it was time to rely on Him for support.

My obgyn told me that we can try on our own for a while and if we were not pregnant by March to come back and we can try clomid. The next five months we figured that if we got pregnant it was meat to be since I was so irregular and I had two uteri. Well, nothing happened.

I went back to my obhyn in March. At this time she decided to give me a referral to an infertility specialist, Dr. Dourran (I'll call him Dr. D), who had coincidently helped her concieve through IUI. She said she didn't want to waste time with it and "get me pregnant."

Thank goodness I was sent to him because He brought new things to light. Dr. D ended up doing an ultrasound and thought that I may have a septated uterus. He said 9/10 times thats what it is. He didn't know for sure, however. I had to have surgery I was praying that it was septated, because that would mean it would be fixable and I would be able to potentially have a normal pregancy and delivery. Also, during the ultrasound the doctor said I had 30-50 follicals on each ovary and that I have PCOS, which is why I don't have my period very often :(

I had the hysteroscopy/laproscopy on Thursday, April 23. It was an almost 2 hour surgery! He went in through my belly button and through a Tiny incision (about the width of my pinky nail) below my bikini line. He had to take a camera and see if the top of my uterus was flat or if it was the shape of a V. That was the only way to tell if it was septated. If it was septated (meaning there was tissue coming down the middle of my uterus creating two wombs) he was going to remove it. Dr. D did!! It was septated. That was the first thing I asked when I woke up. I was shocked.

Recovery was not too bad. The first two days I was on strict bed rest and was in a lot of pain (Thank goodness for vicodin!). My mom came over and took care of me the second day since my husband had to go back to work. Monday I was back at work, but taking it very easy. I'm a high school teacher so I had my students helping me a lot.

I had to be on estrogen patches for three weeks following surgery. I guess it helped with healing. Once I stopped the patches I had a HORRIBLE period. I woke up soaked in blood and I had a tampon in. I was scared. I didn't realize how bad it was going to be, Dr. D never told me. At my one month follow up, he asked me how my period was and I found out that was normal. My uterus was cleaning itself out from the surgery. Dr. D did a follow up hysteroscopy to make sure there wasn't any scar tissue. There wasn't!

My DH and I wanted to try on our own one last timebecause we were going to Italy in July for our two year anniversary. I decided that I was going to take it very serious and start temping. I wasn't even sure I could ovulate on my own. I did end up ovulating on CD39, one week before we left for Italy and then started my period while we were there, very disappointing. But I still believe everything happens for a reason.

We got home from Italy on July24. I called Dr. D on Monday to tell him what has happened with my, cycle ovulation, etc. I now have an appointment on Wednesday, August 5, which will be CD21, to come in for a progesterone shot to start my period. Once my period starts I will start fertillity treatments which will TBA...

So that is my year summed up into one blog entry. I have been through a lot some good, some bad, and some ugly. But I now know that my DH and I are now emotionally and financially ready to become loving parents. I believe things happen for a reason and I am thankful I have not become pregant yet. Why? Because Dr. D said after my surgery that I would have had miscarraige after miscarraige because of my septated uterus. Everything happens for a reason.